to wonder HOW single parents cope

[Neuroticmillenial]

Long story short, I’m thinking of separating from DH as things have gotten toxic.

I keep wondering how single mothers cope as I usually put dinner in when DH gets back from work, have my shower when he’s sat with the kids. I have a toddler and child with Sen. Could really use some tips and pointers? 🙏

I have 4 kids, youngest with Sen. I do a lot when they are in bed, you learn to adapt and I found it much easier to do things on my own than have someone else under my feet tbh. You get into a routine. It can be tough but you’ll get there, don’t put too much pressure on yourself though.

Single mum, 2 kids at home, one at uni. One at specialist school for SEN. Work full time and doing an in person masters.

I have a cleaner. Get hello fresh/gusto.

I'm exhausted but very very happy.

Watching this thread with interest. Heading for seperation and have very little real life support, husband supports with a lot of practical stuff. 2 DC primary school/early secondary school age. Another concern which keeps me where I am.

All I can think of to say is you learn to adapt the best way for your family/household when you’re in the situation itself. I will say that as someone who’s ex was abusive and just a fucking awful co parent, once your home isn’t an unhappy, toxic environment a weight feels like it’s been lifted and you have more energy going forward. I’m not saying it happens straight away and it’s bloody hard on your own at times. But it’s better than staying in a messed up relationship.

I was previously single mum to 2 including a child with SEN and both of my children have suffered trauma from my relationship with their father.

Single parent since DC were 3 and 5, and have always worked full time.
I have been lucky that I could afford good childcare and a cleaner, had parents who could help out in an emergency and could usually rely on my ex to be vaguely helpful. And he did have them every other weekend so I could recharge.

I'd say, regardless of whether you have those things:

• lists and lists and more lists
• learn basic DIY and get a good tool kit
• spend money wisely (meal kits are fine, no one dies if they eat Dominos once a week)
• get the DC who can to do jobs - one of mine did the washing from the age of about 8, the other was in charge of post dinner clean up
• drop your standards when you need to. It really doesn't matter if the World Book Day costume is from Amazon or you don't contribute to the bake sale
• rely on friends selectively and bank favours when you can (I used to offer to do the school run for a neighbour once a week so she could help out in an emergency)
• always have emergency bread, milk and ready meals in the freezer

Oh! Forgot the most important one. You matter too. Make sure you find time to do things for yourself and don't be afraid to be occasionally focused on what you need (even if it is just a cup of coffee and ten minutes or mindless internet scrolling while they eat crisps and argue among themselves).

You cope because you have to.

You can do it. Not easy but always better than being in a toxic relationship.

You cope because you have to.

Life easier without an extra adult dragging you down.

Try to establish good routines and be firm with them if you can.

Remember you can't pour from an empty cup, so nurture yourself.

You don't need to be a perfect parent, just good enough.

Accept help where it is available. There are no prizes for martyrdom.

Believe in yourself. You've got this 💐.

Well
The simple answer is you just do. And though tiring it's always weirdly felt easier for me as I wasn't constantly frustrated, seething, or disappointed that now ex h wasn't pulling his weight and was causing me extra work. It's knackering and it takes planning but freedom from those resentful feelings which took up a more time in my head than I realised, made it much more do able than I feared.

Single parent here too since mine were 4 and 8. I am exhausted but it's so much better than when I was married. If nothing else, I know it's on me so don't feel let down / resentful at anyone else! And, I am happy, that's the main thing. I genuinely love my life.
I work FT from home, with flexible hours. No family or support around at all. I do have a cleaner once a fortnight, do the food shop online, and as PP said, my two are very good at helping out now. I actually am so proud of them!
The only thing I'm not so good at his looking after myself but I'm beginning to realise how very very important this is. Wish I'd realised that sooner!

You will manage OP, you will just get into a whole new routine.

Tbh I found things easier when I knew it's was just me having to plan, organise and get things done. There was never that situation of expecting another person to do XYZ and then they don't do it. Which was the case in my marriage. So I would end up doing everything anyway, but be much angrier about it as ex hadn't stepped up.

I did tend to get much more done in the evening, and then get up slightly earlier, make a cup of coffee and take it back to bed with me. That was/is my morning time to myself when I get my head together and just have quiet time for a bit.

Just because you do things in a certain way now, doesn't mean that it always has to be that way. You do learn to become quite flexible, and for me, I really don't sweat the small stuff.

It's a damn sight easier making dinner with half an ear out for whether the kids are tearing lumps out of one another or the sofa (having a convenient countertop or appliance where you can plonk the littlest to wibble at you about their day as you cook is very handy) than it is having an ear out for the Arsehole shouting at one of them or bitching at you that he's not going to eat That Shit because it's got a slice of tomato that has a curve of skin on it and a couple of lettuce leaves and he wants food for Men, not fucking rabbits, complaining that you've not put his washing away or that you're not putting out three times a week plus Sunday morning and all the other fuckery that comes with a shit relationship.

Showers just happen when the kids are most likely to be asleep - whether that's nighttime or 5am doesn't really matter. Everything else is either done as soon as you catch a brief opportunity, such as when small child is wibbling, you put in a washload and switch it on before you start cooking, or when they're watching something on TV if they like it.

I was a single parent from the get go really and I coped because I had to. I juggled everything. My DS, working and my degree.

I tried to keep on top of things and get everything ready the night before. But I was as flexible as I could be on the weekends outside of grocery shopping. I was younger so that made it easier but sometimes I would be so tired.

The main difficulties were lack of money and I was the only one carrying the emotional load. Oh and people thinking they knew better!

I muddle through. Even after 15yrs it's hard as I have no support. The one thing that did help was being able to stay part time all these years. But I know I'm lucky being able to do this.
I've been out 5 times in a decade. Work and gym had to be my priority.

I can see you already have some good advice. I can assure you single life has its cohabit always the better choice than an unhappy relationship.

I have 4 kids 2 that are autistic and manage because I have no choice, ex doesn’t see them so I don’t even get any days off like other single parents, you just manage because there is no other option

You just have to. It's hard, and utterly exhausting at times, but it's far, far better than being in a toxic relationship.

You have to shower (quickly) when they are in bed. iPads/tv/drawing when you are making food.
Plan food shops so you never run out of milk, bread or whatever as you. You can't just pop out.
Always keep stock of cupboard essentials in like pasta, sauce etc.

You will get used to sacrificing 'you' time.

I have lone patented on and off for 21 years. Here's my advice:
1 - Set firm boundaries with your ex about everything immediately. Communication, child arrangements, who pays for what when, how etc. I would highly recommend setting up an email just for this and only access it when ready and keep everything.

2 - Try see you and the DC as a team now. Teach them consistently and early to take responsibility for themselves as age appropriate. Share the load as much as possible between everyone.

3 - Be very very very disciplined in how you speak about their paternal family. Just the basics, offer no opinion, stick to facts.

4 - Don't underestimate how much your DC will lift your spirits. It's hard, relentless and overwhelming at times. When it is bring them closer, spend time with them. It really works to think of parenting as your life's work when it becomes a lot. It's a long game.

5 - Always remember that the DC didn't ask to live with parents who live separately. They didn't choose. They feel and see everything even if you think they aren't picking up on it. Mitigate the hell out of this by strengthening and centering your relationship with them. Try not to change too much, too swiftly.

Last but not least, do not use unhealthy crutches if you are struggling post break up e.g. booze or wild nights out or lots of internet dating. Long term you will look back and cringe.

I learnt the hard way unfortunately!

I've only been lone parenting for 4 months so I'm sure there's others with better advice than me but I find I just need to make good use of my evenings when ds is in bed. That's when I clean the house and I prioritise laundry (including folding and putting away) and dishes first because those are the two areas most likely to get out of control quickly. Then every night is just a quick tidy round everywhere, wipe down the kitchen and I sweep daily and spot clean the floors as needed. I batch cook in my slow cooker overnight or at the weekend and then portion it out and label so during the week I don't need to start cooking. My slow cooker pot can come out and go on the hob too which I love because it really reduces the amount of dishes. I get my shopping either delivered when I'm pushed or click and collect and I plan my meals so I know what I'm eating. You learn to be really organised and especially with things like milk, medicine and toilet roll! I try to have a plan for the weekend so I know exactly what me and ds will be doing to fill the time and I try to arrange playdates with friends so I can catch up with them while ds is there.

If you'd asked me before how I'd manage without stbxh I'd have said I wouldn't know how but others are right - you survive because you have to and your kids need you to. You will absolutely surprise yourself.

Great advice, I was going to offer similar especially around making sure your ex takes his turn with contact and sticks to plans. That was time for me to be an adult again. It also gave me valuable time to spend on my work and to get on top of jobs in the house.

Developing children who are independent is good too. From being quite little the kids and I named Thursday evening as ‘cleaning night!’ ( to stop me from being grumpy at the weekend, because of an untidy house). We used to ‘draw jobs’ from a hat…😂 and spend, an hour, music on, all of us cleaning!

As they grew my early teens ironed their own school shirts, could make a simple tea and made me cry when one Boxing Day they prepared me a surprise sharing platter - “because you always work so hard for us mammy”!

Like several pp have already said, in a lot of ways it's easier. I'm running the show and there's nobody sabotaging me or making mess while I'm asleep. You do get into a rhythm.

I batch cook flask lunches and freeze them - just double up recipes so it's no bother and then have lots of portions of food that can be microwaved. These can serve as dinners too if you're stuck. DS has to get his own clothes and schoolbag ready the night before to minimise shouting from me in the morning. School is only a 20min walk away and I WFH so work through lunch (I do eat as I work) and do the after school run as a late lunch break some days, then he does homework followed by telly while I finish work. Other days I pay for afterschool care. In the evening I let him watch TV or play X box while I have a bath or shower so I don't need to in the morning. He helps with chores now. I love it just being the two of us.

I'm married but I'm basically a single mother.

I think it's all about getting into routines. Make it so that you automatically strip the beds every Monday etc. You'll be amazed how much you can get done in an hour or so after bed time too if you don't get distracted.

"Try see you and the DC as a team now. Teach them consistently and early to take responsibility for themselves as age appropriate. Share the load as much as possible between everyone*

Absolutely this. In fact everything in @IhateSPSS post.

But I have always referred to the DC and me as our team. As at times we have had to muddle through together. I think it's very okay for them to see you cannot do everything alone, and so my dc have been brought up on a 'we all all chip in' basis. In doing that it also helped with independence that now as young adults, is quite noticeable when they are around friends/partners of their own age. They just seem more sensible somehow too.

I find it tough but at my lowest points I remind myself that I don't have to live with ex anymore.

As a single parent - from your OP-

Batch cook dinner when kids are asleep then just reheat when they are with you

shower and hour before they get up or when they are in bed