to wonder HOW single parents cope

[Neuroticmillenial]

Long story short, I’m thinking of separating from DH as things have gotten toxic.

I keep wondering how single mothers cope as I usually put dinner in when DH gets back from work, have my shower when he’s sat with the kids. I have a toddler and child with Sen. Could really use some tips and pointers? 🙏

You just manage because you have to. It is hard. There isn’t anyone else to take out the bins, watch the kids, drop one off at football whilst the other does something else. It’s all on you. But do you know what, that builds resilience, self confidence and leaves you feeling empowered.

i was in a low place post divorce and then an abusive relationship but I pay for my house, bills, car by myself, I don’t rely on anyone and I’ve bought my kids up to help me with household jobs, and I have full control of how money is spent so can treat them or myself when I want to.

it gets easier, it’s always easier when you aren’t miserable and downtrodden and you can have a happy and fulfilled life single

Sounds like you’ve got this. @parrotsinparadise

we’ll be better off although I do need to speak to CAB as he’s the lead tenant and will insist I leave !

Making a couple of dinners on a Sunday is handy too.

No. No you're "basically" not. You have no idea!

It's called not having a choice. As the only parent they can rely on, I don't get to walk away - and most of the time I wouldn't want to, 'cause they're great kids.

My DC have SpLd, as do both their parents. Their Dad was abusive to all of us, so we are much better off with him out of our home. We have struggled as the house is full of bad memories, which doesn't help our PTSD.

My DC and I support each other (they give the best hugs).

I was a SAHM. It was a big change going into f/t work, negotiating schools and buses (I didn't drive). Luckily, I found a fab childminder for youngest before/after school, but they were only term-time. If on a low income, Universal Credit will top it up - this was a big help - I could not have worked f/t otherwise.

It is hard, being the only one they have and not having another adult to share it all with. BUT, when their Dad lived here, he did nothing - other than abuse us. Friends have been shocked when I've been honest about his behaviour- as he appears to be a naice m/c mild man.

There are really hard bits like at times you are exhausted and would just love another adult to say don’t worry about that, I will take the bins out/run child to school etc.

But the upsides are great!! If you decide you are going to X on your holidays, then you go. If you decide to spend the day at home in your pyjamas, you can. No liaison. Just full autonomy. And no man-child dragging down you or your finances.

The older I get the more I appreciate how tough it must have been for my mother, widowed young, to raise 5 children with no family around to help. I honestly don't think I could do it. Eldest was 10, youngest 3 (there are twins in there too). She remained single for 10 years.

I have 3 ND kids, who also have trauma from their dad, my XH. I'm disabled and very sick. Honestly you find a way because there aren't any other choices, I know that isn't very helpful or reassuring, but it is true. I have a couple of friends in very similar situations, abusive ex, sick, kids with SEN and they'd say the same, you find a way because you have to. None of them regret splitting, including the one that does it completely on her own. My ex is a small part of the kids lives, I manage extra curriculars and a raft of kida therapies on my own. It is harder in some ways and easier in some ways and much much better than where I was 2 years ago.

Routine helps, simplify your house, everything needs a place it can be put away. An air fryer has been really good for the kind of food my DC like. Small extra freezer so I can keep easy things on hand for days I need a bit of a break. Some things like always stack the dishwasher and wipe down benches before going to bed can help. Do a load of washing everyday so it doesn't build up. Put everything into a calendar app as soon as you you know about an appointment/party/play date/other thing. Put recurring things in so you can see what's on specific days, its easy to forget or double book, at least for me it is. It might feel impossible now, but you will find a way through and you will work it out.

I agree with this. Widowed parent of 4 here, 1 with diagnosed SEN and it looks as if 2 others have SEN as well. No family support really, it’s very hard, mine are a bit older now but it’s been extremely tough and I wish that I could have enjoyed their childhood days more. I often felt like I was just juggling to just get through the day but I did it.

I've just read @Temporaryname158. Their post reminded me I now can treat my DC, without being made to feel guilty or punished.

Ex was horrendous with money, but we still went away regularly - I am a Budget Queen. I'm hoping to save enough for a week away next Summer. Kids and I love going away together. It is rare now (Ex earns 5x what I do) but it is relaxed - no more grumpy sulking man glooming over everything. I wish I'd given up sooner (over 20yrs wasted on him).

The peace we now have is worth much more than having him around.

I was a single mum of four, the first three with just three years between them. (They are all grown up now with their own children).

By far the biggest headache was homework. By the time they were all at grammar school there were mountains of it and one very exhausted parent trying her best to make sure it all got done. I longed for the chance just to relax with them in the evenings and build a relaxed, carefree happy home life but it wasn’t really possible with all the pressure of so much homework.

I have been a single parent to 2DC and am now a parent with a new DP and another DC.

I left my very toxic relationship of 9 years, 3 of them years I stayed out of fear of how I’d cope and once I was out I regretted that I spent 3 years too scared to make the choice. It was a weight lifted, my mind was clear. I was a better parent, everything ran smoother and one thing I will say about being the only parent is that unbelievably everything is easier! You adapt, you only work off your own schedule and clock. Create a routine that will help you a lot, the kids will eventually get use to the routine. Some days are tough and you feel worn out, I had no other support, it was just myself and children. But I was much happier that way than being in such a toxic environment. Some nights when the kids were in bed if I needed to tidy I’d set a timer and whatever wasn’t done before the timer went off could wait until the next day so I could take some time for myself. Self care is very important whether that be relaxing in the bath, watching your favourite shows in bed, or just doing something for yourself. So make sure you take the time.

Adopted as a single parent. It works, because you make it work and adapt.

Batch cook, one pot meals. Whatever.

Be there for their emotional needs. Let go of unrelated housework standards.

You learn to manage on very little sleep and money. You just cope because you have to. 3DC with additional needs here.

I do exactly this with bolognaise mince. It's like our version of the MN chicken. 😀

We have nachos one of the days, and on a really bad day a portion would just get mixed into pasta ala one pot style.

OP one of the big things for me, was I had to learn to ask for help. I don't have any family around and I admit to being up there with stubbornness. I used to think asking for help was a weakness somehow.
And then came the situation of logistics of getting around when my car was in for a service. As you don't just have another driver to drive with you. This was pre Uber times.
And the time my ds chopped the top of his finger off in a door. The very same day we just got a brand new puppy. So before whipping ds to hospital I was stood at my neighbours door with my then 6 year old other child and a brand new puppy, asking them to look after them for a while.
I honestly think the not asking for help, 'I can do this' stems from always just having to do everthing anyway.
This was quite a major shift for me, just accepting I'm not always as independent as I thought I was.

So if you recognize some of this, start now to try shift your thinking, and that is really is alright if you can't do everything yourself at times. I found that actually, people don't mind helping me. And if I do ask, they know it's beacause I've no other choice.

And you become master of juggling. You can't be too rigid in things. There is nothing wrong with beans on toast for your dinner some days.

You just do, and relish the fact you don't have to put up with the Ex asshole around all the time.

I could give you lots of tips but there has been lots of good ones already. I leave chores like washing etc until the weekend. I have a cleaner. I don't cook elaborate food, only stuff that takes ten minutes.

You genuinely just get on with it. I was a single mother and my baby had his leg amputated in that time (I'm now with an amazing partner) but god, looking back I don't know how I did. I don't think I slept or showered for days on end (no family support either). I think if you can afford to outsource for things like a cleaner etc it may help but you do just adapt to the new normal.

I dont mean to sound like that niave mum, but im considering very heavily my options as a disabled woman with 2 under 4 years, one just starting school and not a set of pennies to rub together because of my husband. He earns very well. We eat. He pays the bills. But hes not there emotionally, and I cannot work so he lords it over me that I have nothing.

I really am genuinely interested in your comment. I want to know, if you could tell me please, examples of when its been solo crisis, or such. Are we talking things like break ins, washing machines packing up, sickness bugs with no village? Because Im expecting all of that already really. I have epilepsy and luckily i havent had a seizure ina while but the main reason I stay is because i dont think i would ever be ok to live alone with such little children. I dont think i could depend on my health..

I guess what im trying to do is prep myself with the gritty stories of how hard youve had it on your own to try and help prepare myself because i cant go on in this relationship for any longer than i must.

Hope that makes sense, sorry for the length.. Its not a poke at you, i really just want to know more. Best x

I hope you dont mind me asking, but I have disabilities and in a toxic relationship, 2 little ones. Im petrified. He has made me beleive that i need him to function...that without him my disabilities would take over.

How did you feel when you started out on your own? Its hard being a mum, harder being a single mum, but harder still with health needs so I would be so interested to know how you managed. I know you just do but how. Massive respect and hugs

Easily, when there’s suddenly no demanding manchild to manage!