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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and planning - how do you do it?

53 replies

Butnothingsclear · 01/10/2024 17:19

So recently;

I found out DH was away overnight soon through his friends wife mentioning it. Not the first time.

Found out by accident he’d invited relative and her friend for food (he was cooking but I’d already put something in the calendar for us all which I then had to cancel)

Found out he’s got another night/day away soon - only because it accidentally came out.

This morning I suggested doing something tonight, found out he’s got someone coming around.

Same with what he does around the house. Just cracks on with DIY without talking about plans together.

He likes to be spontaneous. I like planning. I like to have things to look forward to. I like to know if he’s away so I can plan my time.

AIBU to ask you how you plan family time? How do you agree if and where to go out/on holiday etc.

OP posts:
Matilda1981 · 01/10/2024 17:23

We discuss things with each other!!! We generally don’t go out a lot, but my husband will check I’ve not got plans and vice versa before we finalise plans with other people, if we’re going to be going out together to a party generally tell him we’ve been invited out and then I’ll sort a sitter etc (we go out together more than we go out separately) but it l’s all about communication and respect for each other!

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 01/10/2024 17:23

We speak to each other.

He's being incredibly disrespectful by not communicating with you.

HildegardeofBingen · 01/10/2024 17:24

We have a house diary where we put down meetings, social arrangements etc for the coming week. This also helps us to decide who has priority with the car we share.

For something that had a particular impact on the other - inviting people round for a meal, going away etc - we'd almost certainly check with the other before making firm commitments.

We also talk at breakfast about what's happening that day, to ensure nothing's been forgotten.

Original poster
Butnothingsclear · 01/10/2024 17:26

Yeah. Sounds so simple doesn’t it. Should be.

So is it acceptable, if you are in a couple to just agree to a trip away without discussing it?

OP posts:
SerenityNowSerenityNow · 01/10/2024 17:30

So is it acceptable, if you are in a couple to just agree to a trip away without discussing it?

No, I don't think it is acceptable.

Especially if you have children as there needs to be discussions around childcare etc.

HildegardeofBingen · 01/10/2024 17:30

I think a lot depends on whether there are dependent children/shared caring responsibilities.

If it's more a relationship of two well-off single people who live together but who like to do their own thing a lot, regular, detailed communication is less crucial.

But it's still important to make time to talk to the other person.

Mandylovescandy · 01/10/2024 17:31

It can be really tricky if you like planning and they do not. We have calendar but it doesn't help if DP doesn't look at it. I am afraid I don't have a solution

Original poster
Butnothingsclear · 01/10/2024 17:34

Have DC. So when he goes away I’m in charge of parenting.

OP posts:
Maraudingmarauders · 01/10/2024 17:36

Our rule is, whatever is in the calendar has priority. You book something, but don't check the calendar? Sorry. It gets cancelled if its can't be worked around.
You book something and don't put it in the calendar and then the other books something after, and does - that gets priority as you failed to put yours in.

It can feel a bit cut throat but got us both in the habit of using it quickly!

Hatty65 · 01/10/2024 17:37

He's incredibly self centred.

Re the meal with relative and friend - I'd have gone out to what I'd already got in the diary, Fuck him. He could have explained to them that he had not bothered check with me, and I already had plans.

Re the night away - what would happen if you looked at him and said, 'You can't go. I'm away that night. I didn't bother mention it - like you didn't - because apparently that's how we live our lives. You'll have to stay home and have the kids because it's your turn',

He's a dick, OP.

Original poster
Butnothingsclear · 01/10/2024 17:38

Hatty65 · 01/10/2024 17:37

He's incredibly self centred.

Re the meal with relative and friend - I'd have gone out to what I'd already got in the diary, Fuck him. He could have explained to them that he had not bothered check with me, and I already had plans.

Re the night away - what would happen if you looked at him and said, 'You can't go. I'm away that night. I didn't bother mention it - like you didn't - because apparently that's how we live our lives. You'll have to stay home and have the kids because it's your turn',

He's a dick, OP.

It did cross my mind to do that!

Yes. He is a BOAT! I’m losing patience tbh.

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 01/10/2024 17:41

We have a shared Google Calendar. It don't go in the calendar, it ain't happening. If there is a clash, whoever booked the time in the calendar first wins. Neither of us commits the other to care for our shared children for a day/evening/weekend without asking first.

Original poster
Butnothingsclear · 01/10/2024 17:42

Thank you all. Sounds like IANBU to think that running possible plans past your partner, especially if you have kids, is the norm and just planning things unilaterally is not acceptable.

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 01/10/2024 17:43

Oh. And don't let him give you any bullshit about spontaneity. You say goodbye to solovspontaneity when you choose to have DC, because your 'spontaneous' is the other person's 'being expected to be available for childcare 24/7 without any appreciation or respect'.

Original poster
Butnothingsclear · 01/10/2024 17:45

DreadPirateRobots · 01/10/2024 17:43

Oh. And don't let him give you any bullshit about spontaneity. You say goodbye to solovspontaneity when you choose to have DC, because your 'spontaneous' is the other person's 'being expected to be available for childcare 24/7 without any appreciation or respect'.

So true.

OP posts:
LouH5 · 01/10/2024 17:46

My boyfriend and I use the “Family Wall” app, I can really recommend it.
There is a calendar section where you can colour code things- so I have one colour for my events, he has another colour for his events, and we have a third colour for shared events.
It also has a shopping list feature which is handy!

I get where you’re coming from OP, as my boyfriend can sometimes be a bit rubbish and I’ll say “shall we do something nice on Sunday?” and he’ll reply with “oh I’ve got basketball Sunday with the lads” and I’ll have to question why it isn’t in the calendar. But MOST of the time he’s okay with putting things in, and we do generally just discuss things as well.

Didimum · 01/10/2024 17:47

You don’t get to ‘just be spontaneous’ if it repeatedly affects your family.

Tiswa · 01/10/2024 17:48

he cannot just make unilateral decisions that involve you

if you just decided to go and leave him with the kids would be?

GatherlyGal · 01/10/2024 17:50

This would drive me up the wall. It's so discourteous to just make arrangements without consulting you.

Agree with PP its not about being "spontaneous" its about being either selfish or too lazy to bother talking to you before making arrangements.

We have a shared calendar which helps but you both have to make an effort to consult and update it!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/10/2024 17:54

I take it he is NEVER on the receiving end of your spontaneity ? Time to change that I think

Pixiewombat · 01/10/2024 17:55

You're default adult/childminder/parent.

It's rude.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 01/10/2024 17:56

Given that you have children, I personally think it's just completely unacceptable. I have no issue with DH going away (he has a stag do next month for example) but I'd have a huge issue if this was just never even mentioned, let alone discussed with me. It's so disrespectful to just assume "ah well, my partner can just pick up everything anytime I want and I don't even need to check".
It also relies on him being the only person who is able to do this. He can talk about the benefits of being spontaneous all he wants but the only reason he can be is because he knows you aren't. If you both were, you could accidentally both book trips away at the same time.

Iceache · 01/10/2024 17:57

Butnothingsclear · 01/10/2024 17:26

Yeah. Sounds so simple doesn’t it. Should be.

So is it acceptable, if you are in a couple to just agree to a trip away without discussing it?

My husband will always ask me first! I never ever object (I love a little night with just me and the kids) but it’s a courtesy between us - more of a do you mind if and a dialogue of how the other will manage things like school pick ups / football matches etc if the other is away.

I rarely go anywhere but could if I wanted to. He’s away more frequently due to work but still tells me well in advance!

Knotaknitter · 01/10/2024 17:59

We had a paper calendar in the kitchen. If it wasn't on the calendar then it wasn't happening. We'd had decades of double booking and forgotten events but once we had a baby to consider and we couldn't both go out separately then we had to be more organised. There's a difference between being spontaneous and assuming that the other partner will automatically cover your absence. Someone has to be responsible for the children.

Doggymummar · 01/10/2024 18:01

We don't have kids. Just a dog and we have a calendar. Only I seem to use. For example I am away on Friday which is on the calendar and I heard OH telling his sister see you Friday. The dog has separation anxiety and can't be left and also can't go on the train to see his sister. And she can't come to the hotel with me. I've left it with him to arrange a solution

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