DH and planning - how do you do it?

[Butnothingsclear]

So recently;

I found out DH was away overnight soon through his friends wife mentioning it. Not the first time.

Found out by accident he’d invited relative and her friend for food (he was cooking but I’d already put something in the calendar for us all which I then had to cancel)

Found out he’s got another night/day away soon - only because it accidentally came out.

This morning I suggested doing something tonight, found out he’s got someone coming around.

Same with what he does around the house. Just cracks on with DIY without talking about plans together.

He likes to be spontaneous. I like planning. I like to have things to look forward to. I like to know if he’s away so I can plan my time.

AIBU to ask you how you plan family time? How do you agree if and where to go out/on holiday etc.

Recent one, we were going somewhere together to meet friends. Had tickets. I assumed we would be heading out and meeting just before (hour or so) the event for a drink. He didn’t tell me he wanted to meet friends 3 hours earlier than that. He told me the he night before. So I suddenly had 3 hours less than I had accounted for and had other things booked in so as relying on that time.

I stuck to doing the things I had planned and just said ‘sorry, if I’d known we were meeting earlier I’d have organised myself accordingly’. I need to do more of this!!

@Butnothingsclear my dh and I are pretty laid back, last minute people. If he plans to go away or I book an evening out that’s fine, we just send each other a calendar invite. The difference is we don’t have any children so have no responsibilities other than being courteous to each other by keeping each other informed. What your DH is doing is somewhat irritating as adults without children but with children it’s downright disrespectful and selfish.

We just talk about our plans. I generally run by him if what I'm planning is going to impact him like having people round or being away a few days etc and he does the same.

I just wouldn't pander to him in all honesty. He can entertain his relative and you can do whatever you wanted to do. Until he has to deal with the inconvenience he's probably unlikely to change.

My DH was single for over 20 years of his adult life before he met me.

He is better with telling me his plans now, but I had to explain many times why it was important to let me know.

He will often plan (only in his own head) to do things with his family members, which then come to nothing as he doesn’t tell them, so they go ahead with plans of their own……. I stay out of that, as long as he’s telling me things that affect the both of us, I’m happy with that.

I basically make plans and then let dh know and vice versa.
We make plans together too but then everything else just gets added to a joint calendar by whoever is making the plans - it’s everyone’s responsibility to check that there’s nothing on there that conflicts before they book something.
Our kids are older now so there’s less need to be so prescriptive. And we are both pretty spontaneous and both hate planning stuff months in advance unless really necessary.
We are both busy, sometimes like ships passing in the night so the calendar works well for us until we have a proper catch up.

He's living the single life, with zero responsibilites, whilst you get to do the boring drudge of making sure the kids are fed and looked after. Does he spontaneously clean the house too?

It’s time for a proper discussion, even if that discussion is only about seeking marriage counselling for communication problems. He's selfish and it won't get better than this unless you are serious about change.

A trip away for just the person agreeing is fine for them to agree with themsleves if you don’t have dependants. If you’re expecting the other person to go or you have dependants then you need to talk about it first.

When there is a lack of communication why are you the one who is having to change plans? The lack of communication here was on both of you.

He's not being spontaneous, he's being selfish and expecting everyone around him to fit in with his plans without even giving them the courtesy of informing them.

No.

I would start a discussion about it and put things in a shared calendar.

This works for us, but if it didn't I would be starting a bigger and bigger argument every time until we were right at ultimatum stage.

I would not accept this behaviour.

Not much to add to what pp have already said. Insist on using the calender, dont cancel plans to accommodate his last minute guests, let him explain.
If he continues then next time you hear 2nd hand about his plans I'd be tempted to pop something in the calender & greet him at the door with your packed bag & leave for the weekend, go to a lovely hotel/spa for a treat & let him see how it feels.

We do this too. It mostly works. We follow those rules for social engagements but occassionally I need to be flexible if DH has work stuff come up. Given that he significantly out-earns me, we do need to prioritise his work/our income.

We just use a shared calendar. No excuse to double book then. It can be accessed on both our phones

What everyone says- this is not cool. He is telling you your time doesn’t matter. Every time he books something that means you have to look after the kids, he’s telling you he gets to allocate your time. I totally agree I wouldn’t cancel anything for something spontaneous of his, and if he springs an overnight I like the idea of saying actually I already booked a night away that night since we don’t have to check with each other, I am heading off in 20 minutes. You’ll have to look after the kids.

I second the Family Wall app 👏
In fact, I just had to chase up DH today to update it as it's totally unfair to keep me in the dark or expect me to memorise all his dates. We have two small DC and my time matters too.
We have been through the whole "if it's not in the calendar then it's not happening" thing. Ultimately, before we sorted it out, he was crowding me out of my own life, merrily making his own plans amd expecting me to fall in line and pick up his slack. I won't live like that for him or anyone.
Time to be strict.

😂😂😂 I’m laughing at that idea. I may well do that!

My partner does this and it drives me mad. It's always just a given that I will just be fine with his plans and be here for our little one, never a discussion. I get told usually last minute that something is booked or he's going to do x,y,z. If I say anything I'm accused of being controlling and not letting him do his own thing. We have a shared calendar, he rarely adds to it. I give up!

It sounds like he plans a lot, he just doesn’t bother telling you about the plans he makes!

Spontaneous would be “Hey Butnothingsclear I’ve seen there is a new cafe/museum open in town, shall we go with the kids this afternoon?” Or “I’ve been speaking to my brother, is it convenient for you if I go round to see him tonight?”

We dont book anything in that will effect the children or each other without talking first. Its that simple. Its about respect. I just got back from a short trip abroad with a friend, but I didnt just say the week before, 'Oh by the way DH I'm off to X next week!' We discussed it and agreed before it was booked, and I arranged childcare and help for DH for things he couldnt do alone without me. He runs all work events passed me and they go on a calendar.

Why wouldn't you do that?!

At the very least I'd be swanning out the door this evening for an extended coffee somewhere with a book. You have "plans with friends". He doesn't need to know that these particular friends are fictional

My now DH and I have always discussed plans, right from being together a few months. It's not in a "can I" asking for permission kind of way, but a "would it cause disruption if I..." Kind of way. Because it works both ways, we tend to do a lot to accommodate each other plans if we can. Mutual respect

Also, it doesn't mean you can't be spontaneous. I (and he) still occasionally go away for the weekend with a few days notice, but it's always discussed before I agree to the trip

We try to have a weekly planning meeting over coffee while the kids are watching TV on a Saturday morning. Diaries are the most important thing we check going over at least the next week but also other important dates especially those which have childcare implications. We might also talk about finances, holiday plans, family routines, life goals, etc.

Ah you are controlling too. Welcome to my club. 🙄 ‘You are controlling’ = ‘I just want to do what I want when I want but I also want the status, comfort and security that comes from having a family’ IMHO.

We both use Outlook for work so we find it easiest to keep all diary items (both work and personal) there. We have access to the app on our phones.

Generally it’s whoever gets in first although an urgent work event might take priority.

We have 1 DC so a last-minute event would be subject to the other person being willing and available - the other would absolutely have power of veto. If DP went away for a trip without mentioning it in advance I would lose my shit! And I’m sure he would if I did the same. As others have said it’s so disrespectful and a massive piss take

You are allowing him to behave badly with no consequences. He tells you he’s invited friends to dinner? He cracks on with that while you go out to cinema/whatever. I would go alone if necessary.

He doesn’t give a toss about inconvenience he causes you.