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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to speak with my daughter's friend?

65 replies

inmyera · 30/09/2024 16:38

My daughter has just started year 5, she has been friends with one of the girls in class since nursery. This girl has always had a bit of a superiority complex which I have never mentioned to my daughter (or anyone else), I've just noticed it.

Over the summer my daughter said 'I'll not be going to the same secondary school as xx because I'm not on her level'. Now these are words that aren't my daughter's, somebody else has said this to her (and I'm fairly sure I know who).

This year, my daughter is sat on the same table as xx and multiple times, including today, she has taken my daughter's ideas from a group discussion and shared them as her own to the teacher/class/facilitator and happily taken all credit. She also went up to the teacher today to tell them that my daughter had made a spelling mistake and then laughed.

I've suggested to my daughter that she spend some time with the other children in her class who are kind but she has said that if she steps away from this girl then she will cry, go to the teacher to tell on her and that everyone loves this girl and thinks that she can't do wrong.

I've said that I'll speak with this girl (I'm giving her a lift this evening) but my daughter has begged me not to.

So...WIBU to say something to her? I was thinking "So xx, how was your day today? yy was a bit upset when you took her idea again and shared it with the class."

I want to put an end to this but also don't want my daughter to not be able to trust me and stop sharing what's going on with me.

OP posts:
allinthetrailer · 30/09/2024 16:39

Honestly never do this. I get wanting to protect your child but always get the teachers to sort it.

goodboystepup · 30/09/2024 16:40

No, absolutely don't do this.

Speak to the teacher.

Pallisers · 30/09/2024 16:40

oh god don't do that.

ARichtGoodDram · 30/09/2024 16:41

Never speak to another child.

Speak to the teacher and work on building your daughter's confidence.

Approaching another child is just likely to lead to trouble

RosieFlamingo · 30/09/2024 16:41

Do not do this, speak to the teacher.

saveforthat · 30/09/2024 16:41

Of course you would be unreasonable your daughter would be mortified. Try to encourage your daughter to speak up for herself.

Kizuy · 30/09/2024 16:41

Don't do this.

An adult, isolating a child in a car and chastising them isn't right. It's just weird.

Contact the school if you feel there is bullying happening.

ELMhouse · 30/09/2024 16:42

I would suggest having a private conversation with the class teacher first to share what you have done here.

CowboyJoanna · 30/09/2024 16:42

YWBVU to do this. All this would do is embarrass her.

DD's "friend" sounds like a snooty girl who thinks shes better than everyone else bc shes smarter. You getting involved with her will only give her more ammunition to lord it over your DD with. Just reassure DD that there are other down-to-earth girls and she doesn't have to be friends with "friend" just because shes smart, kindness is more important

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/09/2024 16:42

Please please don't do this. Talk to your daughter about ignoring the guilt tripping, and that friends don't act in the way this girl is.

Talk to the teacher about the girls behaviour.

But don't talk to the girl about it, you'll break your daughters trust and make the girls behaviour towards her even worse.

Noed · 30/09/2024 16:42

I wouldn't, especially if your DD has said not to. I would send an email to the teacher and let them know.

CowboyJoanna · 30/09/2024 16:43

And before you ask, dont talk to the snooty girl's parents either. The apple never falls far from the tree

Original poster
inmyera · 30/09/2024 16:43

CowboyJoanna · 30/09/2024 16:43

And before you ask, dont talk to the snooty girl's parents either. The apple never falls far from the tree

her mother is exactly the same!

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 30/09/2024 16:44

Completely agree with the above.

Sadly your DD needs to learn that this girl is not trustworthy.

Just let her cry and threaten to go to the teacher. How can she even ‘tell on’ your DD anyway? DD is still better off with kind friends.

CowboyJoanna · 30/09/2024 16:45

inmyera · 30/09/2024 16:43

her mother is exactly the same!

Show quote history

Quelle surprise Grin

Well DD wont have to worry about going to high school with her at least, knowing their type she'll most likely end up at some hoity toity private grammar school

Original poster
inmyera · 30/09/2024 16:46

Thanks everyone. I will speak to the teacher. Part of the problem is that everyone thinks the sun shines out of this girl's arse.
I've tried so hard to suggest that she play with others but she's worried about hurting the girl's feelings. Last week my daughter came home crying one day, asking if it was awful to stop being friends with someone you've been friends with since nursery.
Another girl left the school because she felt so belittled by this girl.
I just feel so helpless and so desperate to help my daughter find her confidence again.
I know you're all right, I can't speak to the girl. I will email the teacher when I have calmed down!

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/09/2024 16:49

she's worried about hurting the girl's feelings

This is where you point out that this girl is hurting your daughters feelings, and doesn't seem all that bothered by it. We had a similar situation with DD and it was pointing out that friends support each other and really try not to hurt each other, that it got through to her that this girl wasn't really a friend to her.

olivepoems · 30/09/2024 16:55

omg glad you've realised you can't approach the friend - an actual CHILD. good lord. teach your daughter to stand up for herself and that you don't have to stay friends with people just because you have known them a long time.

her mum might have a superiority complex that she's passed on to her child, but maybe you have people pleasing tendencies that you've passed on to yours.

Original poster
inmyera · 30/09/2024 16:58

olivepoems · 30/09/2024 16:55

omg glad you've realised you can't approach the friend - an actual CHILD. good lord. teach your daughter to stand up for herself and that you don't have to stay friends with people just because you have known them a long time.

her mum might have a superiority complex that she's passed on to her child, but maybe you have people pleasing tendencies that you've passed on to yours.

correct on both counts. Thanks for being so nice about it.

OP posts:
birdling · 30/09/2024 17:34

As a teacher, if a child came up to me to report on another child's spelling mistake I would not look kindly on that child. So I suspect that the teacher might already have an inkling that the girl is not all sunshine and flowers.

Maria1979 · 01/10/2024 11:03

Get your daughter away from this girl asap. You can tell your daughter YOU are the one forbidding them to play together. That way your daughter can't be blamed and you can go ahead and tell the mother why if she asks.

Bestyearever2024 · 01/10/2024 11:06

inmyera · 30/09/2024 16:46

Thanks everyone. I will speak to the teacher. Part of the problem is that everyone thinks the sun shines out of this girl's arse.
I've tried so hard to suggest that she play with others but she's worried about hurting the girl's feelings. Last week my daughter came home crying one day, asking if it was awful to stop being friends with someone you've been friends with since nursery.
Another girl left the school because she felt so belittled by this girl.
I just feel so helpless and so desperate to help my daughter find her confidence again.
I know you're all right, I can't speak to the girl. I will email the teacher when I have calmed down!

Definitely speak to the teacher

And (i say this with kindness) find ways to help your daughter build her confidence, self esteem and self worth

Member984815 · 01/10/2024 11:07

Speak to the teacher , but I'd bet she knows the dynamic already.

Coconutter24 · 01/10/2024 11:10

Never speak to a child about issues especially without their parent there. The child could say something to their parent and it get totally blown up into something it isn’t. As others have said speak to the teacher. A teacher who spends all day with their pupils tends to know the kids personality and what they are like.

Edingril · 01/10/2024 11:10

Do not speak to this child, the idea is appalling