WIBU to speak with my daughter's friend?

[inmyera]

My daughter has just started year 5, she has been friends with one of the girls in class since nursery. This girl has always had a bit of a superiority complex which I have never mentioned to my daughter (or anyone else), I've just noticed it.

Over the summer my daughter said 'I'll not be going to the same secondary school as xx because I'm not on her level'. Now these are words that aren't my daughter's, somebody else has said this to her (and I'm fairly sure I know who).

This year, my daughter is sat on the same table as xx and multiple times, including today, she has taken my daughter's ideas from a group discussion and shared them as her own to the teacher/class/facilitator and happily taken all credit. She also went up to the teacher today to tell them that my daughter had made a spelling mistake and then laughed.

I've suggested to my daughter that she spend some time with the other children in her class who are kind but she has said that if she steps away from this girl then she will cry, go to the teacher to tell on her and that everyone loves this girl and thinks that she can't do wrong.

I've said that I'll speak with this girl (I'm giving her a lift this evening) but my daughter has begged me not to.

So...WIBU to say something to her? I was thinking "So xx, how was your day today? yy was a bit upset when you took her idea again and shared it with the class."

I want to put an end to this but also don't want my daughter to not be able to trust me and stop sharing what's going on with me.

Speak to the teacher tell them what is going on, tell them that your daughter is no longer to sit by them and can they keep an eye and try and not have then together. And if they are not receptive then mention they have a duty of care and yiyr daughters mental health is yiur priority.

@inmyera - very good idea, as some PPs have suggested, to get your DD involved in some non-school activities, if you haven’t done so already (perhaps you have).

Some children sail through primary and secondary school without friendship issues, but most have a bit of a bumpy ride. Most adults I speak to had some tricky times at school. I know I did.

There will be ups and downs and hurt feelings. You can’t talk to the children who are causing these hurt feelings - and they aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong anyway; they are allowed to not want to be friends with our children - but you can help your DC to feel good about themselves and give them outlets outside school so that they have other social opportunities if things are bumpy at school.

I would encourage your daughter to play with other children as well. And discuss how she can consider her own feelings and not feel obliged to always do whatever the other girl says.

Looking at more long term possibilities, my daughter had a difficult friend during primary who would fall out with her one day then make up the next. I didn't interfere but by secondary school my daughter had developed a good sense of who can be trusted and how to maintain healthy relationships. If it's possible for your daughter to navigate this herself it might help her confidence.

No I wouldn’t say that to the girl when you give her a lift.
But I would be chatting with her nicely without any accusations, about how she is enjoying school this term, what she looks forward to most and maybe about which school she is going to for year 7. If she happens to tell you which level she thinks she is on compared to the level she thinks your DD is on, then yes, you can kindly challenge that there and then.
It helps children to get input from parents other than their own. Helps them become a bit more open to different ideas and viewpoints so that they can question, adjust and become more discerning. Seems this is exactly what this little girl needs.

At the same time, talk to your own daughter as much as she is comfortable, about this problem with her school mate. Do all you can to help her with her confidence and model the words she could she could use in different scenarios where she is timid about standing up for herself. Eg…Hey! That was my idea not yours!

Year5 friendships are such a tight rope for girls. My daughters BF since reception ditched her for the more 'popular' girls. Never been so proud as when she stood up for herself. Teach your daughter to manage her owns situations and you will be setting her up for life

Definitely don't speak to the 9/10year old child. If i had another parent approach my kid in this manner I wouldn't be best pleased and a complaint of an adult harassing my child would be getting logged with the school. I get the frustration but no. I've actually had to complain to school as a parent made my 7 year old cry on the way to school accusing her of wrecking her daughter's apparently expensive coat(I spoke with school and it turned out my daughter didn't do it the mums kid dropped it herself and didn't want to be truthful with her mum when the coat came back marked and dirty) since I've complained the mums bitchy with me and so is the kids nan who happens to live next door to us.

Speak to the parent or teacher to a primary school aged child

Speak with the parent and speak with the teachers. Protect your daughter from this skullfuckery. Who cares if it's uncool to snitch!? It's uncool to be a spineless parent for the sake of "Looking cool amongst the school kids and parents." We are in an age where we need to teach our children it is not OK to be meek little doormats whom are walked all over and have no confidence to stand up for themselves! Just look at all the posts from adults incapable of protecting themselves in shitty work places because they have no confidence!

Nope don’t do that.
regardless of your feelings towards her or your diagnosis that she has a superiority complex…. She is a child, in year 5. You are the adult in this situation.

You might need to have a word with the teacher about YOUR child. She's the one that matters here. There will always be people like this friend. Explain that you hate to see your child being bullied and undermined in this way.

I truly hope your child gets into Grammar School or look at bursary funded or scholarship places for private schools.

Children start undergoing the next stage of development in Y5 and Y6 so a great many friendships will go up in the air and settle in a different pattern. It does take a great deal of energy to shrug off friends like this though. Telling your DD that she's just as good as her friend - as intelligent and far more likeable will give her the air she needs to not be the underdog to this horrible girl.

Thanks for your reply. I've spent time with the girls together (and in a group setting with others) so know that this child is very condescending. And not just to my daughter. But my daughter seems to the one that has been 'stuck' with her.

Thank you, I have. I've also heard this girl say that she's going to have a 'premium education' . so I know where it's come from.

So glad your daughter is happy and confident now! I'm half tempted to take mine out of school to get away from it!

Thank you she is much better. But you shouldn’t have to take her out of school for it to be dealt with! Keep pushing for it to be sorted x

Thanks for your advice everyone. They're no longer sitting together. They had a heart to heart though and seem to be hanging around together again. I think it will be much better now that it's not constant. She seems to be able to handle it well, just not when it's criticism of her work and taking the credit for her ideas. Fingers crossed. Appreciate all of the comments.