WIBU to speak with my daughter's friend?

[inmyera]

My daughter has just started year 5, she has been friends with one of the girls in class since nursery. This girl has always had a bit of a superiority complex which I have never mentioned to my daughter (or anyone else), I've just noticed it.

Over the summer my daughter said 'I'll not be going to the same secondary school as xx because I'm not on her level'. Now these are words that aren't my daughter's, somebody else has said this to her (and I'm fairly sure I know who).

This year, my daughter is sat on the same table as xx and multiple times, including today, she has taken my daughter's ideas from a group discussion and shared them as her own to the teacher/class/facilitator and happily taken all credit. She also went up to the teacher today to tell them that my daughter had made a spelling mistake and then laughed.

I've suggested to my daughter that she spend some time with the other children in her class who are kind but she has said that if she steps away from this girl then she will cry, go to the teacher to tell on her and that everyone loves this girl and thinks that she can't do wrong.

I've said that I'll speak with this girl (I'm giving her a lift this evening) but my daughter has begged me not to.

So...WIBU to say something to her? I was thinking "So xx, how was your day today? yy was a bit upset when you took her idea again and shared it with the class."

I want to put an end to this but also don't want my daughter to not be able to trust me and stop sharing what's going on with me.

As others have said (and as you've acknowledged) - far better to speak to the teacher.

I would not be at all surprised if she already has at least a degree of awareness that this girl is something of a queen bee type.

I would just be careful about how you word an email/structure your conversation with the teacher though (speaking as someone who works in a school and sees how very differently parents can handle this sort of thing!).

So, far better to say something along the lines of

'I appreciate that X is a very confident, popular girl, but recently I've just been a bit concerned about the friendship dynamic between her and DD and I'm not sure it's entirely positive/kind/healthy'

rather than something like

'right, I'm fuming. You need to sort out X. She's being a right unkind little madam to my DD and the problem is everyone thinks the sun shines out of X so she gets away with it'

for example.

Approach A is far more likely to yield a positive discussion than approach B. Apologies if this seems like stating the blindingly obvious but believe me many parents do seem to default straight to B!

Hope you can help improve the situation for your DD, OP, it's horrible when they are upset with friendships

Can your dd move classes ? This girl is an emotional bully and your dd is better off away from her altogether.

Unfortunately not, it's a small school, one form entry.

Thanks everyone. She came back upset again yesterday so I've sent the email. I don't know why I feel so bad for doing so.

OP, please note this. I’d be astounded if a teacher thinks a child who reports another child’s spelling mistakes is an angel.

The teacher is aware. Wouldn't do anything ekse than sort my own kid.

If the girl cries and tells then your daughter simply needs to say that she was unkind to her lots of times and that she doesn't want friends who think they're better than everyone else. In front of the girl if necessary. It's a hard lesson but needs to be learnt.

I might have a friendly general chat with the girl and see what comes up, definitely not confrontational, that would be bad on so many levels.

Find an outlet or hobby they enjoy out of school perhaps because there will always be children of different confidence levels

You certainly won’t be able to control a smooth path at secondary school so give her skills to navigate tricky friendships now and alternative outlets to shine .

If you can, get your daughter involved in Public Speaking or Drama classes out side of school. Don't mention anything to either this girl or her mother.
Both of those outside interests will help build her confidence and that can't be a bad thing, right?

You're definitely right to involve the school - it looks like the type of thing that will be hard for them to manage especially with a 1 form entry but at the very least they should be aware and could move them to separate tables.

Also, keep talking to your DD and reassuring her it's fine to not be friends with someone and especially when they're not being kind. I'd also make an excuse not to give the girl a lift in future or host play dates. Just drop the rope and don't facilitate the friendship at all. It'll be confusing for your DD if you're saying "you don't need to be friends with xxx" then you're being really kind to her and her mum and helping them out with lifts etc. Try and model the civil but distanced approach that your DD could take.

If the teacher is any good they will already be aware of this child's personality. Your DDs perception that everyone loves this girl probably isn't accurate either.
Definitely voice your concerns. If your DD is having a hard time then she needs to think about what a friend actually is and that her own feelings matter. In year 5-6 friendships often change anyway as the children are maturing.

It awful to hear that your child is having a hard time at school. I feel for you OP.

Agree with pp that saying anything to the child probably isn’t the right way to deal with it (however tempting!). I’d stop giving the child lifts for a start and I wouldn’t bother making up a reason to tell her mum, I’d just say I’m unable to give her a lift now. Who cares if she’s upset or feels let down? 🤷‍♀️

Could you try a bit of role play with your daughter? Strategies for phrases she can have up her sleeve for next time an idea is appropriated/she is undermined? It’ll stand her in good stead for her adult life and for feeling out of her depth as she progresses through her teenage years.

Ywbvvvu don't do this! Let the teacher sort it!
Plus you're only hearing one side of the story, imagine if xx then turned around and said I'm sorry yy was upset today but yesterday she did abc to me and that really upset me.
You'd then have to chastise your DD too. Regardless of whether or not you thought it was true because you've got exactly the same amount of evidence - the word of a child!
Teachers are there in the moment and can watch out for these things.

This. Also, you're only getting your dds version of events. I remember my brother lying and saying he scored a goal at football when he hadn't for eg. Maybe your dd is a little jealous too? Definitely tine for her to broaden her friendship circle though sp she realises everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Have you asked your daughter what she means by the comment they won't be going to the same school because they are not on the same level? I would be inclined to keep asking questions to show her how to constructively take in information and process it. Keep challenging her on the why and hopefully she will build the confidence to do the same to the girl. In the meantime raise with the school you have concerns your daughter confidence is being knocked and her ideas are being presented by this friend

Please just talk to the teacher

Imagine it your kids lying and you accuse her friend of stealing her ideas

Absolutely not! These children are only 9/10. I’d be livid if a parent spoke to my child like that. You need to approach the school and let them deal with it.

This kind of thing is hard but it’s a golden opportunity for you and your daughter to talk about difficulties in relationships. It’s great that she confides in you,, don’t spoil this by intervening. You could talk about the pros and cons of saying for example’that was my idea’ and how your DD feels when her friend cries. Then she’ll be ready when similar things happen in the adult world.

Don’t speak to the child! We had a similar issue with our daughter only hanging round with one girl, she was top in everything, private tutors in the evening etc. she moved schools as everyone else was the issue. Lo and behold new school same issues and the parents will not realise that she is the issue. My daughter stayed friends with her until the girl realised that she was friends with someone her mum wasn’t keen on because they were “common” . So the mum decided they couldn’t be friends anymore. since that day we’ve had no drama at all and daughter is happy!
Id guess the school already know what she’s like so try and build your daughters confidence as people like that won’t change!

No. You are the adult and have " all the power". You could make her feel bullied and also, you don't have all the facts, just your daughter's view.

If it was my child and you said something to her I would go absolutely mad and report you to the school probably.

Much better to speak to the teacher, although if your daughters friends makes a comment while in the car, I would ask some questions.
"Why do you think that?" Etc...

Why are you giving this girl a lift anywhere, she’s upsetting your daughter on a regular basis. I would stop that, in one breath you are telling DD to go play with others and then next you have both in the car together. If this is a regular lift then you need to support your DD and stop it, come up with an excuse. I’m glad you haven’t said anything to this girl, your DD would be mortified and fast tracked to her not confiding in you anymore, correct channels are through the school/teachers. I have a teenage DD, some girls can be brutal, We’ve supported ours through bullying/changing schools, fortunately she’s at college now and has come out of it pretty much unscathed and she still talks to me, she knows I have her back without embarrassing her.

My daughter had something similar at the age. This girl would copy her work and pretend it was her idea. My daughter wrote her answers wrong deliberately and when this girl copied my daughter changed hers correctly so the other girls handed her work in wrong. When it comes to tests your daughter will have the ideas on paper and this girl will have to think of her own and won’t be able to use your daughters. Things will be seen as they get older and I bet this other girl is putting your daughter down because she’s jealous and feels threatened.
I would mention it to the teacher and it maybe they can move them apart when they do their next seating plans etc.
Try some other play dates too if possible just encouraging more friendships, your daughter can then work out that there are better friendships out there :-)

The teacher will already be aware of the friendship dynamics in her class. I work in Y5 and this sort of thing is an ongoing process for the staff to manage.

The thing is, children this age are just learning the way relationships work- it's never plain sailing and these small incidents are what help them to form their boundaries and make future decisions about the kind of people they want to be friends with, who they can trust, how to make character judgements etc. Adults can help guide them but it's a natural phase of human development for kids to squabble, work out the social hierarchy, break and make friendship groups, compete for recognition and work out where they sit in society. It's life.

Unless it's targeted bullying and needs intervention then leave it alone and let your DD develop some resilience and sort it out herself- it certainly won't be the last time she has to deal with someone who is not 100% nice to her.