To ask for my money back?

[Bitawkwarddilemma]

Bit of an awkward one. I hate talking about money at the best of times!

My elderly neighbour is struggling a little, car is out of action at the moment and she seems a little lonely. So, I offered to run her to the supermarket at the weekend as, although her son takes her shopping, she likes to have a mooch round and get out.

DD and I took her yesterday, got our bits while neighbour got hers, then I gave neighbour a hand at the till and packing etc.

Neighbour is waiting for new bank card to arrive so only had cash, which I knew, but then the bill got rung up, it was £90 ABOVE what she had with her!
I just put the difference on my card as wanted to make it easy for neighbour, then I dropped her home and took her shopping in for her.
She asked for my bank details, which I wrote down for her, and then we said bye.

Money hasn't appeared yet but it's only been a day. If it had been £10 or £20 then I wouldn't have minded and probably written it off, but £90 is more than a weekly food shop for us! We simply can't afford it.

Ugg, I have her son's number but just feel so awkward. I'm starting to realise why he doesn't let her go shopping without him...and why he's quite 'bossy' with her (her words), he seems lovely and very approachable, but still.
have I been an idiot? Should I have offered to help her put some things back? That probably would've been easiest, but in the moment, I just wanted to help and didn't want her to feel embarrassed.
what would you do?

Glad it got sorted. If you use the handheld scanners in bigger supermarkets she can keep an eye on the running total as you go round (if she actually cares how much she spends - sounds like this was mainly due to having to fall back on cash only).

I would have helped her pay for the basics - milk, tea bags, a few ready meals , and biscuits. But not £90 pounds over her budget.

I don't think you made a big thing of it at all. Honestly it's a lot of money. I think you were right to notify her son. Going that much over and not being able to access the money she clearly had, are indications that she isn't quite coping with managing her money. Even if you could easily afford to give her £90 and were happy to, from a care perspective her son needs to know that she is struggling with keeping track of her spending and accessing her money.

I third this. My nan became quite forgetful/cognitvely impaired in her 80s and told me she thought her neighbour had taken stuff from her house (neighbour was lovely and often popped round to see her). She was utterly convinced the neighbour had taken her rings that she used to keep on the mantelpiece.

She almost had me convinced as she was so adamant about it until we found them in the bathroom- she had taken them off and left them in the bathroom cabinet. It would have been utterly horrendous if that had gone any further and the neighbour would have definitely stopped coming round which would have meant she would have lost a social contact. Be careful.

The only way this could be avoided in the future is if you concentrate on what she is putting in her basket / trolly and mentally adding it up as you go along, having asked/checked how much cash she has on her and / or if she has a bank card with her
but the potential problem with just having a bank card is of course there may not be enough in the account ( or she forgets her PIn and the card gets blocked on the 3rd failed attempt ).

Glad you got it sorted OP. We recently got conned out of £30 in similar circumstances. I say conned because the person knew exactly what they were doing and it just sucks. However, I’m laughing now because they’re the trustee of a trust that DH and his siblings are due to benefit from, it’s quite substantial, and it’s going to be paying out in the next couple of weeks. This person isn’t due anything and is going to be so miffed! DH was planning on giving him a bit, don’t thing we’ll bother now.

For reference, it’s not the first time they’ve conned us out of money so we don’t feel bad. I just hope they do their duty as trustee and we don’t have to go down the legal route.

Hi OP,
I'm glad the money was all sorted but if I were you I would send her son a text or give him a call to just let him know what happened. If he helps his mum with banking and sees money transferred to you without knowing the backstory he might jump to the conclusion that you are exploiting his mum. If you let him know at the moment he will see all that shopping and understand how that happened.

You were being very kind and I’m sorry you’ve ended up suffering for it! It sounds as if the neighbour intended to repay you, since she asked for your bank details, but has either forgotten or doesn’t know how to do it.

I would give it another day or two, then remind her. You could ask if she would like your help in transferring the money to your account. There’s no shame in telling her you really need it urgently. She will probably be mortified. Only if then it still doesn’t happen would I contact her son, because that could be very humiliating for her.

Please ask for you money.

@Miffylou @waterygrave I ask this as a genuine question - what do you gain by posting on this thread telling the OP to do something she's already done and posted about?

Do you really only read the first post and assume nothing has changed?

You can read all the OP's updates with a click of a button. If you don't know how I'm happy to explain.

she couldn't read my writing

she couldn't get her online banking to work!

Yea right. I see you have received the money now for which I'm glad. You earlier used the word "ditsy" to describe her.

I wonder if it's all an act she's putting on.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone to pay my shopping and if I'd been caught out, i.e. left my bank card behind, I'd reimburse them as soon as I arrived home after putting the shopping away....

* *

@Miffylou @MilesOfCarpetTiles
Happily say it again
Please ask for your money.

@MilesOfCarpetTiles you are that person, aren’t you? Taking MN a bit too seriously, pointing out the shortcomings of others, tut tut and stomp your foot? Sheesh and nuts to you,

If you were to feel sorry for her and take her again I’d make it clear that you haven’t got enough money on you or even in your account to bail her out and that she would have to put things back if she went over.

some people you never get your money back from.
my neighbour came into us years ago in floods of tears saying she didn’t have all the money for the mortgage and that her husband would be extremely angry if he found out.
well pair of muffins that we were lent her £100 which was a lot of money then.
she asked how we’d like it repayed. We said save it until you’ve got the amount instead of giving it in dribs and drabs

well months went by almost a year and DH asked if DN had mentioned the money. I said no she hasn’t actually so he said ask her and see what she says.
next time I saw her I asked how much she had saved. Talk about biting my head off. She went into this angry fit of shouting and said things come up that you don’t plan for and I’ve had to use it. In the end we knew we weren’t ever going to get it back and told her to keep it.

At the end of the day it wasn’t worth falling out and we were comfortably off so didn’t really miss the money.
but where do people get off borrowing what they know they have no intention of paying it back.

Not long after they had the house repossessed. We weren’t surprised because they were terrible with money.
She would do things like buying bras in every colour to match her outfits. Nothing wrong with that if you can afford it.
They had their house coated in this treatment that made it weather proof for 20 years which cost them £15.000 and being an end of terrace must have reflected on the price.
We were sorry to see them go because apart from the money they weren’t bad neighbours.
Anyway I’m glad you’re sorted.
Once bitten twice shy.

Muffins should be muggins. Got love predictive text.

I think you shouldn’t offer again. But why is everyone so keen to involve the son. Unless she has a definite diagnosis of dementia. It’s so ageist. She’s not a child.
How would younger folk feel if they were trying to sort out the money they owed someone but the person phoned their children to let them know about it

I agree, it’s demeaning to involve the son.
people seem to be assuming the worst.

Perhaps she has plenty of money in bank account and welcomed the chance to browse and buy some treats, and didn’t bother checking the cost of items as she shopped.

To be fair, if she has no problems with her memory or cognition then it's a bit odd she went £90 over in her shopping then isnt it?- thats a lot over.

If she's a perfectly capable adult then she can put her stuff back next time rather than expecting OP to sub her the money

... why is everyone so keen to involve the son. Unless she has a definite diagnosis of dementia. It’s so ageist. She’s not a child

On one level I agree, @RunnerDown, but then I remember my own late, exMIL, who's friends had almost completely deserted her by the end for exactly this sort of reason

A pig though he is, my ex would doubtless have been happy to work with them and ease things as far as possible, but because nobody ever said anything he learned nothing of this until she was gone ... a case, really, of being damned if you do and also if you don't

It's difficult, isn't it. Of course it's too much money to write off, but if she's elderly and a bit ditsy as you describe, perhaps she doesn't use internet or telephone banking and may need to go to her bank to arrange a transfer? I think I would give her a few more days before involving her son.

I didn't point anything out other than how to read the OP's posts on a thread.

If you think not doing that is a "shortcoming", well I would agree, but I didn't say so.

I'm not taking it any more seriously than you, I genuinely want to know - when you click on a thread and read the OP, do you not look to see what else they've posted on the thread?

If her son is doing a lot of her admin for her then I would tell him.

My DM was in this situation, DB does do a lot of her banking with/for her. If he saw a payment going out he would be suspicious. DM would easily 'forget' she had been shopping and bought so much. This could then lead to trouble for OP.

I think you're projecting the awkwardness - she asked for your bank details, let her know it hasn't come through and tell her you'll happily take cash.

For all you know she's got spooked by the first payment to new payee fraud warnings and then forgotten about it.

It’s been sorted a few pages back! If you click on ‘see all’ next to the op’s post you can see what happened.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell the son. If it was my DM it would be very likely she'd forgotten (she has early dementia) and even if she hadn't, she can no longer figure out online banking. I now have financial POA for her - for all you know, her son might do too. If anyone told me they had taken DM shopping and she hadn't paid them back, I would transfer it over from her account in two seconds flat. Tell him.

Urgh, sorry, didn't read full thread ...