To ask for my money back?

[Bitawkwarddilemma]

Bit of an awkward one. I hate talking about money at the best of times!

My elderly neighbour is struggling a little, car is out of action at the moment and she seems a little lonely. So, I offered to run her to the supermarket at the weekend as, although her son takes her shopping, she likes to have a mooch round and get out.

DD and I took her yesterday, got our bits while neighbour got hers, then I gave neighbour a hand at the till and packing etc.

Neighbour is waiting for new bank card to arrive so only had cash, which I knew, but then the bill got rung up, it was £90 ABOVE what she had with her!
I just put the difference on my card as wanted to make it easy for neighbour, then I dropped her home and took her shopping in for her.
She asked for my bank details, which I wrote down for her, and then we said bye.

Money hasn't appeared yet but it's only been a day. If it had been £10 or £20 then I wouldn't have minded and probably written it off, but £90 is more than a weekly food shop for us! We simply can't afford it.

Ugg, I have her son's number but just feel so awkward. I'm starting to realise why he doesn't let her go shopping without him...and why he's quite 'bossy' with her (her words), he seems lovely and very approachable, but still.
have I been an idiot? Should I have offered to help her put some things back? That probably would've been easiest, but in the moment, I just wanted to help and didn't want her to feel embarrassed.
what would you do?

I'd say the lesson is don't lend what you can't afford to lose. She went way over what she had to spend and it wasn't essential so she should have put it back. You can take her shopping with you but just don't pay for anything again.

Thanks Ricki, it's simple really. I guess in the moment my judgement went awry..

Only offer what you can afford to lose, maybe £10, then it’s not a big deal

Glad it got sorted in the end but you shouldn’t have been made to feel bad for asking. We’ve recently lost been conned out of £30 by a relative, after we did them a favour, and they’re refusing point blank to pay us back. They’re making us feel bad for daring to ask for our money! Why do some people have that dubious talent??

Yeah, however lovely you want to be to others less fortunate than yourself, it never serves to lend anything that you cannot afford to loose.

What would you do differently @Bitawkwarddilemma if you had your time again?

I'm glad it's all sorted now but what on earth did she buy that meant she went £90 OVER budget?!!! That's some shop!

Thanks all.

if I had my time again (and if it was £90!) I'd probably say 'oh no, I haven't got that much at the moment, sorry, let me help you put a few things back'.
Like an earlier poster said, if it was £10 over,
I wouldn't be bothered..

Total shop was £195, as bulk buying to do batch cooking, plus lots of luxury bits, so - thinking about it- I wouldn't feel bad offering to help put bits back...

I never lend money, always awkward getting it back! A few "friends" have asked my husband for loans, luckily he always asks me and I say no as I know we will never see the money again! One friend later declared herself bankrupt so I was definetely never seeing that money if we had loaned it. Unfortuntaley I think your neighbour saw you comng and was hoping that you wouldnt ask for the money back! But brilliant that it did come back to you as a stressful situation to be in.

No way would I call her son - she is an adult and that would be humiliating for her

I’d probably call the son and let him know that you’d taken her, that she overspent, you’d paid and that she’s since paid you back. Be completely non accusatory and ask how the family would like you to handle in future. They may be suspicious of bank transfers to you if they don’t know the full circumstances.

I wouldn’t let it stop you taking her in future, she probably had a lovely time and enjoyed being non-reliant on her family and it was so kind of you to do it.

I agree. £90 is a lot for one person. I saw your update. I wouldn't pay again though I might take her. Then you can say before she leaves have you got your card. Have you got enough cash. If she can't pay at the till stuff will need to be put back.

Is there any chance she didn't intend to spend so much, if she's a little quirky (and given that prices have soared in recent months!!)? So you may have been doing a favour helping put bits back, if she only wanted to spend the cash she had with her.
If your supermarket has those scanner things that could be an option, helps you tot it up as you go (I think, haven't actually used one!)

Just pop round and say the money hasn't arrived in the account yet and can you check you gave her the correct account details

Call my cynical, but I'd have a strong suspicion she did this deliberately.

Don’t think it’s that awkward?

No need to involve the son. That turns it into a thing, which it isn’t.

Just say, “oh btw neighbour please could you transfer me the £90 today?”

If she doesn’t, remind her again in a couple of days.

After that, yeah, contact the son I guess.

Me too. Unless she has cognitive impairment how the heck can you go £90 over your budget and not realise??- thats not just one or two items.

I wouldnt take her shopping again- this is likely to happen again and she already has her son to take her shopping.

I'd be sticking to popping round for a cup of tea now and then if you enjoy chatting to her. But I absolutely wouldnt get involved in anything in future that involves money being spent. You arent a cash machine.

Most definitely ask for the money back, it's a lot of money.

OP- dont lend her money again. Not to freak you out but I'd be quite careful with money matters and the elderly. If she starts to get confused or forgets later on and tells people you've been asking her for money it could look quite bad on you.

I've seen people get burnt like this before when all they were doing was trying to help. Best to keep completely out of money matters for everyone's sake.

Lesson learned I guess - but what is that lesson? To not offer? And to help her put bits back or to not go at all?

Glad it's sorted for now, OP
You could take her again if you wanted to, but I'd make sure to ask whether she has enough cash on her and keep an eye on what she's spending with an occasional "reminder" if necessary

You could even take cash yourself for once, and explain you only have £x to hand. If she's genuinely confused she may go for the "high end items" again and have to put them back, but if something else is going on this might flush it out

Be careful, an elderly neighbour in our street accused another neighbour (who had been kindness itself to her) of stealing from her home.
It led to a police investigation. 😞

So you have got the money back?

im torn on this one - I used to know someone who looked after her gran like the son does. Friend took her shopping and always stopped her buying expensive stuff, managed the bills etc which seemed nice. Except when gran died there was a Lot of money to inherit. The gran could have been buying whatever the fuck she wanted . She didn’t really understand technology/online banking, frequently forgot cards or had no money with her, but that was just an age-related organisational issue. Not an affordability one

Obvs doesn’t mean she should rely on you tho!

As she’s paid the money back, I would definitely help her again if needed. Maybe she enjoyed getting the luxury items as her son doesn’t let her go overboard? She probably really enjoyed being out with someone other than her son, would have made a lovely change for her.

Not to freak you out but I'd be quite careful with money matters and the elderly. If she starts to get confused or forgets later on and tells people you've been asking her for money it could look quite bad on you

A worthwhile reminder, @watertable, and an excellent reason not to get involved more than necessary where money's concerned

Maybe she enjoyed getting the luxury items as her son doesn’t let her go overboard?

Edited to add perhaaps he doesn't, @Surprise50, but there may be historical reasons for that, and if this kind of choice is unusual it only needs her to say "Ooooo OP thought it was lovely" for suspicions to start

She didn't ask, the OP offered to take her shopping.

I also second this. My DM(85) is showing a sudden cognitive decline. Her short-term memory is shot. She has also become very suspicious.

She could easily be the neighbour in this situation. She could forget she had been shopping and then be quite accusatory if payment was requested.