Husbands drunk on holiday...

[Unknown987]

So DH booked a suprise holiday for 40th to a very romantic destination...
Has a horrible history with alcohol. I don't drink and he knows how much I hate his drink. Don't realise how bad it was until after marriage...

I ignore he drinks with friends/cousins as it's out of my face but drinking with me and kids is a no go.
he has been drinking on holiday and when I have asked him not to he always comes back with I'm a grown adult you can't tell me what to do. Which is true but it's respect for your partner. but today he drank beer after beer and is now soo pissed I don't recognise him I can't reason with him. His eyes are bloodshot, he's changed our evening plans and won't communicate with me as he's not in his full senses. He has left the resort alone and has said he knows not to do nice holidays with me in future and will only stick to family ones.
I have asked him to come to the room and sleep it off at least talk to me but he won't. He's gone for dinner and I said I wish I was at home and he said so do I (wish I wasn't there). So I came back to the room and he left.
im so hurt I'm crying.
what now?

@Staunchlystarling believe me, alcoholics can send texts and 'historically had an issue' isn't a thing if he is an alcoholic and is currently drinking.

Admitting he drank a bottle of whisky a day and his first marriage failed due to his drinking goes beyond letting your hair down and drinking 8 beers once in a while on holiday. He's acting shitty because he has an issue with alcohol and 8 beers in has whetted his appetitie to drink more. I like to binge drink on ocassion, but wouldn't choose to do it on my DH's (who isn't a big drinker) birthday weekend, not because we've ever argued over it, but because the weekend is about him having the best time and not me getting smashed into oblivion.

He's an alcoholic and you need to leave him. You should get yourself to the airport and leave him there. Right now.

Sorry OP, I missed that, makes sense now.

Is he ever drunk around them? I know it's not many times a year but when he is drunk?

So many people suggesting OP 'isn't compatible' with this guy. Who on earth would be except another alcoholic? His previous marriage broke down because of his drinking. Was that the ex-wife's fault too?

You need a short term plan to make sure you are safe tonight and can get home tomorrow (separate room if you think necessary). Personally I’d do what it took to get through the next couple of days, avoid the argument if possible, there’s no point today.
Then when you are home a longer term plan to separate. It’s highly unlikely he’ll change OP. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. He has to want to stop and he clearly doesn’t.

But that’s not what she said. Dial it down.

He drank on our last family holiday together - he was so drunk at the pool where I had left him with the kids that I had to ask the security guards to help me get him to the room. That's is the only time the children have seen him drunk. He swore blind he would never bring it around the children. Today is a reminder and same behaviour that I had to deal with on the last holiday. Same red eyes, same slurs, same giggles just less drink I guess

OP, your husband is an alcoholic. It doesn't matter that he can go for months without a drink before a blow out. Anyone who once drank a bottle of whisky a day and simply can't stop after that first or second drink is an alcoholic. The time gaps don't negate this. When you get home you need to have a very serious chat with him.

Why on earth did you stay with him after that?

Quite a few people posting in this thread seem to have no knowledge of alcoholism. Or what it's like to live with an alcoholic.

OP, the behaviour you describe is that of an alcoholic. For those that have never lived with one, they won’t understand that it’s not to do with frequency, it’s to do with their powerlessness to stop or rein it in after a few pints or whatever.
He won’t stop until he recognises this.
Please get some support, Al-anon is a good resource for family and close friends of alcoholics but also read up on co-dependency and alcoholism. .
Essentially, your husband could leave it six months and not drink but if he does, it escalates because of his alcoholism and will get worse and worse, as will his treatment of you.
It is not your fault. You can’t control his behaviour or reason with him, but you have also not caused it. I can’t emphasise that enough.
When he is drunk, he will say anything to push you, away merely so he can continue drinking.
It’s like a script; in that moment nothing matters but the next drink, because it’s an addiction. Ignore the word salad, it’s hostile rhetoric that is designed to wound and make you back off and leave him ‘in peace’.
I feel for you having your special occasion ruined by his selfishness, but the conversations need to happen when he has not been drinking.
Lay down your boundaries when you’re home, and let him decide whether he wants a future with you and your family, or one where he carries on drinking, but if he doesn’t accept he has a problem, you need to distance yourself and your kids, it doesn’t end well.
Sending a big hug. There is hope, my DP is 2 years sober, but I had to have real resilience to get through the pain of the last few months of alcoholism and make a pact with myself that his choice was that it was me gone or the booze. NB: mine also didn’t drink every day so he could claim he was in control but in the last few month's before he went to AA and got sober it got worse very very quickly. I was so naive that I blamed myself and was doing things like tipping the wine down the sink and trying to talk to him about how upset I was . None of that works: he is miserable right now, but the only way he will see that he’s the agent to that misery is for you to go ans happily as you can about your business and not interfere. Communicate your expectations and then leave him to draw his conclusions. If you are not on his case, he cannot then ‘blame’ you for how rubbish he feels. Maybe then the penny will drop.
I sincerely wish you the best.

@Staunchlystarling You're suggesting he can't be that drunk/have a problem with drink because he is texting and I am telling you that in my bitter experience that is absolute nonsense. And alcoholics don't have 'historical issues'. Their issues are there for life and it is always one day at a time.

Because I didn't know what I'm doing? I have dealt with a lot of issues in life but never surrounding alcohol. I am niave when it comes to this. Never have drunk or been around those who drink. Just whatever soaps show. I have learned what I am sharing through my husbands exposure. I don't know what half the things meant until I saw it first hand. I dnt know what to do. Walk away with 3 children and have a failed second marriage is hard when I don't understand alcohol and how it captures people

I think you either have to accept he will always be a problem drinker or leave him.

His first marriage split. He didn't learn his lesson.

Youve asked him not to. That didn't work even on your birthday weekend which should be all about you and not his selfish ass.
So I doubt he ever will.

So accept the drinking or leave him once you get home. Id choose the latter.

There is no point in paying for flights or separate rooms or anything when you are coming home tomorrow anyway unless he is violent. Is he?

I'd suggest you don't try and talk or confront him. If he is reasonably coherent id be all 'I've had a nice afternoon by the pool and ate pizza, shame it's the last day' and not discuss anything or get him angry til you're home.

Then id leave him as I can't stand alcoholics. They change into assholes once drunk but they don't see it. Id rather be single tbh.

If he has history with drinking a bottle of whisky a day, that entirely changes everything about this situation. He's a selfish prick and he hasn't cared less about ruining your holiday. Time to think about leaving him.

If he has history with drinking a bottle of whisky a day, that entirely changes everything about this situation. He's a selfish prick and he hasn't cared less about ruining your holiday. Time to think about leaving him.

This is 100% spot on.

Oh and PS you're not being boring. If he had stopped at two vodka and cokes he'd have been fine company and you'd be quite happy. But he didn't stop. This is on him. Not on you.

I have alcoholics in my family. Dated and lived with one. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Never again. It's an awful affliction. I'd never ever date a drinker. I don't count two alcoholic drinks as a drinker btw. That's not going to turn someone into an arse the way ten pints would.

I've left my children at home for this special
birthday. I feel purely stupid to think he may chose me. He won't. And with him I will lose all his family who are my support network. I feel so lost.

Maybe quietly record him. He may not be aware how bad he is

Please don’t feel bad that you have stayed with him so far. Many, many women on Mumsnet ( including me ) have stayed long after we should have left. For the sake lf the children , not having anywhere to go, not wanting another failed marriage, religious or family reasons. It’s never easy.

Which I agree with everyone that you need to think really hard about what you want to do with your life. My advice is that when you get back to the UK, you go to some Al Anon meetings . You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, you can just sit and listen.

You will find people there from all different backgrounds. Please don’t fall for the myth that the only people who have a drink problem are those who are lying in the gutter, it’s not like that at all. There are people who are dependent on alcohol who are doctors, judges, politicians, head teachers - those from all walks of life.

You’re not making any decisions by just go to meeting, so please try. It can really help to speak to other people who understand what it’s like and who won’t judge you. And no one will tell you (unlike some here ) that there’s something wrong with YOU because you are not happy with this situation.

Do you feel safe?

No point saying should have this and should have that..
You're on holiday for one last night, he will eventually sober up. You need to get to the airport and travel back together. Try to make this as smooth as possible.

You know you have lots to think about and actions to take at home.
Get through this part first.

If you're able to, don't talk about anything deep with him until home.
I wouldn't even adress what happened today when he sobers up. I'd play it very "ah you were drunk, I got over it , was too tired for dinner, what time we leaving for the airport?"

Just try to keep things as smooth as possible till you're home and can start addressing things and making decisions.

As others have said, I would have a shower, get ready and go out , try some food or a drink. Soak in the view.
You cannot control him but you can control how you react. Unless you are planning to meet him for dinner, try not to spend every second thinking about him this evening. Distract yourself with nice things.

How long have you been there?