Husbands drunk on holiday...

[Unknown987]

So DH booked a suprise holiday for 40th to a very romantic destination...
Has a horrible history with alcohol. I don't drink and he knows how much I hate his drink. Don't realise how bad it was until after marriage...

I ignore he drinks with friends/cousins as it's out of my face but drinking with me and kids is a no go.
he has been drinking on holiday and when I have asked him not to he always comes back with I'm a grown adult you can't tell me what to do. Which is true but it's respect for your partner. but today he drank beer after beer and is now soo pissed I don't recognise him I can't reason with him. His eyes are bloodshot, he's changed our evening plans and won't communicate with me as he's not in his full senses. He has left the resort alone and has said he knows not to do nice holidays with me in future and will only stick to family ones.
I have asked him to come to the room and sleep it off at least talk to me but he won't. He's gone for dinner and I said I wish I was at home and he said so do I (wish I wasn't there). So I came back to the room and he left.
im so hurt I'm crying.
what now?

OP has only just drip-fed that piece of information.

He's from the same religion.
I think my issue is everyone who knew him pre me talks about his poor relationship with alcohol. He denies.
ive seen it. He denies.
He drinks and I please just the one, he ignores and drinks bottle after bottle and than gradually turns into this person I don't recognise and cannot communicate with him nor do I like what I see.
this happens about 2-3 times a year?

but every time it does I think never again. And yet here I am...

@sunsetsandboardwalks her opening paragraph states “he has a horrible history with alcohol”. Did you think she meant he drinks a couple of shandies at Christmas?

You’re not in the wrong or out of order here OP - I’ve been exactly where you are and it’s quite scary when you are on a foreign country, have no idea if they are safe (like he might walk back from the restaurant a way you don’t know, get lost, etc). It’s also incredibly disappointing when it’s a holiday you’ve no doubt looked forwards to.

dont engage with him tonight and try to get another room to sleep in then when you get home and he sobers up tell him it’s the booze or you and stick to your guns

He told me after marriage he used to drink a bottle
of whisky a day, including the day before we got married.
I laid down the rules then about not bringing drink into our home.
drinking is forbidden in the religion and culture and yes it is something if I had known before I would not have married him.

If you would not have married him had you known beforehand regarding his drinking then your only choice now is to divorce him now you know.

He is aware of how his drinking affects you and he does not care, he does not have respect for you.

Stop trying to have a conversation with him, there is no reasoning with a drunk and he is prioritising his need/enjoyment of alcohol above you, like all alcoholics.

You are not boring, @Unknown987 the boring ones are those that cannot enjoy themselves or function unless they have alcohol.

When you are home get to a solicitor and file for divorce, his first wife had a gut full of it, he didn't learn from that and hid it from you which is a betrayal of trust.

This is the behavior of an alcoholic. My mother is married to a recovering alcoholic so I can sympathise with a lot of what you have written . There is some good advice here. I would also suggest you contact Al Anon which is a support service for family of alcoholics. I'm sure they will be able to help. Most of all you need to remember that he is not your responsibility and you cannot change somebody's behaviour. Best of luck to you.

8 drinks over the course of a day on holiday isn't that much, really. Lots of people on holiday drink that and wouldn't even be all that drunk, especially if we're talking small European beers. But as others have said, the issue is that he likes to have a few drinks and let his hair down, and you absolutely hate that/have cultural issues with it. It is definitely a shame he decided to get pissed on the holiday with just the two of you, as that obviously was going to go down like a cup of cold sick, but he doesn't sound like an alcoholic or even a massively problematic drinker to me (not based on just that, anyway). It just sounds like you have an incompatibility in this respect. I don't think it's insurmountable either, but you do need to sit down and have a grown up conversation about how you're both going to compromise over this. It does need to be both people compromising to make it work as well. If he wants the odd drink, or to get pissed occasionally (which is completely normal for a lot of people), and your red lines are 'you can never ever drink' then the marriage is just not going to work.

Get yourself food, see if there’s another room you can go to, make your way to the airport and get home as planned tomorrow. I’m hoping your seats aren’t together. Work out what you want once you’re back, just focus on getting home first. Ruining your holiday is atrocious behaviour, I can see his second marriage failing due to the drink too. I don’t think this will work. Does he not drink on family holidays? He clearly has a huge problem to go this much off piste.

It actually doesn't matter if it's 8 pints a day or a year, his drinking is upsetting you. You have the right to a peaceful happy life. I would leave x

This sounds quite familiar to a relationship I had with an ex. I don't think things will change unless he's at rock bottom and wants to do something about it, which from what you've said he isn't. You have to decide if you're prepared to live like this or not. It took me a long time and a few false starts and threats before I realised I wasn't. I haven't looked back but it took a lot of courage to make that call and go through with it.

Given that she doesn't drink and clearly can't stand it then it could mean absolutely anything tbf.

Given that she doesn't drink and clearly can't stand it then it could mean absolutely anything tbf.

Not sure if you mean the holiday or the marriage, but for me it would be the marriage as soon as I was able to.
Can't stand drinkers

Alcohol is banned in his religion and culture.
His drinking ended his first marriage.
The OP wouldn't have married him if she knew he sometimes drank a bottle of whisky a day.
He probably knew the OP's attitude to alcohol before they married.

I know who I think is being unreasonable and abusive.

Yes, but in fairness to most of the responses here, none of that information was in her opening post.

This sounds very familiar to me. I left an ex on holiday. Packed my stuff, moved room, got early flight home. He arrived back some time later - pulled all the won't do it again, I'm i hell without you cards. But for me that was the end.

For some couples 8 beers on holiday is fine but with his history and the boundaries you've tried to put in place for your marriage, his behaviour is disrespectful and unkind. This was meant to be a romantic break. It's not romantic if you do something you know your partner hates. I suspect when he's sober he doesn't want to disrespect you, but that the problem with problem drinking.

Take care of yourself and lean on your friends and family. It sounds like people know his history so this probably won't come as a surprise to some.

New room, supper, call home?

It's absolutely no fun being with a drunk person who isn't making sense and thinks they're the voice of reason. Bollocks to that. Especially as he is an alcoholic, you've asked him not to drink but he's gone ahead anyway and ruined your holiday.

So I think it's safe to say it's not you OP, it's him.

I agree with PPs, if you can, get your own room for tonight and look after yourself, make sure you get home okay and leave the 'adult who can have a drink if he wants to' to his own devices.

@AnonymousBleep you think having a history of drinking a bottle of whiskey per day is OK?

Even if a lot wouldn't find his relationship with alcohol a problem, Op does.

I rarely drink, neither does my husband.

What others do is of no consequence as we're happy with each other!

To be fair, he is texting or normally, able to take a pic, add it to text etc, that’s not usually the sign of someone off their face. And if he can tolerate a bottle of whisky , 8 beers over as many hours isn’t going to touch the sides.

whilst I fully agree he historically had an issue. I am struggling to see how those texts are from a man who is so drunk he can’t see straight

The key word here is history. She says he goes out with family and gets drunk 2-3 times a year, past thay doesn’t touch it.

I loath being around drunks, especially aggressive ones. Too much experience of that growing up around them.

I don't understand what he and you mean by 'family holidays' though, if neither of you have children?

His first marriage broke up, it wasn't important enough for him to stop drinking like this - and he's doing it again. I would call it a day and let him find another drunk if he's so in need of a partner. You'll never be happy with him like this and he doesn't care enough to stop it. I wouldn't waste any more time on him or the marriage because he's been there before and nothing has changed.

Don't wait for him, get yourself to the airport in the morning and get home.

We have children.

Just how pissed is he if he’s gone to the restaurant you booked and is taking photos and sending coherent texts?

Sounds like you’re wildly incompatible and he’s not going to change as he doesn’t think he has a problem.

He knew what your feelings were and did this anyway. He's not going to change OP. Don't let him blight your life or your kid's lives for another second.