This is a mad thing to say isn't it?

[TotalShitTimeOfIt]

I have 2 DS (3 and 4).

If DH says no to one of them (no extra snack, whatever) and one of them starts to cry over something, I might make a "shhh" sound as I give them a cuddle. Nothing crazy I guess it's just habit

Often when DH says no to something he will give quite lengthy explanations as they're crying or getting upset "the reason I said no is because blah blah blah and I refuse to back down because etc"

H just said no to DS watching telly and DS started crying. I was comforting him snd H said angrily snapping at me saying "stop telling me to shhh, it's disrespectful". I ignored him but when DS calmed down, I said to H quietly in the next room

"I'm not asking you to be quiet, I'm comforting the kids"

He said "bollocks"

I said "no really I am. I'm just in that habit of shhh when they're crying"

H has said to me that i shouldn't make that noise anymore as it feels disrespectful to him and they don't need me to comfort them like they're babies anyway

He's being mad isn't he? He doesn't want to talk about it anymore so that's that.

He's unreasonable about the sshhh thing, but does he think you're undermining him? I have similar aged DC and if I said a perfectly reasonable no to something like TV or chocolate I wouldn't be impressed with DH's method of comforting them being cuddles and shushes. In fact he'd probably find himself under the patio.

Are you painting him as the bad guy with your actions if not your words? There's ways of comforting a sad child without undermining the parent who said no.

No, forget the snack example. I just mean if they get upset over something - I will give them a cuddle and sometimes make a shhh sound. H is saying he finds it disrespectful that I comfort DS when he is still talking.

That's kind of the point though. If DH is still explaining why they can't have TV and you're cuddling and shushing I can understand why he's annoyed. You're not presenting a united front.

You're being disrespectful.
You're comforting your children when they've been told no about something.

You and your DH need to work as a team.

@BarbaraHoward hmmm maybe. I'm not undermining him in the sense that I absolutely tell them no too and say "daddy is right. No TV right now" . But if they start to cry - whether it me or him who has said no - I will give them a cuddle sure. Is that OTT?

Yes, this ^^

Are you deliberately trying to undermine him, or are you trying for favourite parent of the year?

But they are not crying crying are they? As in upset, scared injured. They are just crying just they cant have a snack etc. Your behaviour is rewarding their crying. Just ignore, or a breezy ‘ Yes you cant have another biscuit. Now whats on tv?’

I don't think this is the time to be cuddling them tbh - they're crying because they don't like being told 'no' and not because there's actually anything wrong.
You're making yourself look like the good cop and him the bad cop.

Your kids will never be able to deal with the word NO without expecting comfort and a cuddle. I'd be annoyed in your DH's shoes. You're making him look like the bad guy.

@TotalShitTimeOfIt

well yes & no.

It sounds like DH is trying to talk to them like they're much older, it sounds like he needs to learn to say no to them in a more age appropriate way.

it also sounds like they need no means no, no to another snack/tv isn't a cry worthy event, a bit of resiliance is required.

you 'shusssh pat' is OTT for a snack/tv etc.

it would drive me nuts too

Personally the comfort my DC get for tears over being told no is different to the comfort they get for hurting themselves, for example.

In the situation you described I would be staying out of it unless the DC brought me into it in which case I'd be backing DH up. If the tears continued I may well cuddle but I'd be saying "now you know we don't watch TV on a nursery day, why don't you get your Lego/doll/colouring out", not shushing like I do if they're crying over something like being hurt.

Do you mean you are hugging them and saying SHHHHHHH while he is still talking to them?

Yeah, they are crying from frustration from being told no. It's important that they sit with that frustration a little and learn to deal with it.

My thought was that you are soothing them a bit like "shush pat" when they are babies and perhaps at 5 and 7 they could do with learning that you think this disappointment is something fairly ordinary that they can manage, not needing comfort over.

I do think that the mum and dad tend to play two different roles with children and that this is a good thing.

Obv a generalisation but the mum tends to perhaps comfort and reassure more and the dad tends to be the one saying they can manage this and driving towards treating them as more grown up.

I think where there are both roles it's a good thing as there is a balance. It wouldn't have to be a mum and a dad, it could even be two mums, two dads, or even a very skilful single parent who was able to wear both hats.

It looks like you and your Dh are falling quite naturally into these roles.

If you did this to me it would feel like you were undermining me every damn time.
”oh shhhhh,poor baby, mean daddy” is what it’s saying.

No wonder it drives the poor guy crazy.

Yeah I would be annoyed if I were your DH. Making him into the bad guy.

If my dc were upset cos they couldn't have a chocolate I would try to be understanding of their feelings but also firm.

I know you are upset and you want a chocolate. I'd like to eat chocolate too! All day everyday! But it's not good for us and that's why daddy has said no. It's not the end of the world and so dry your tears and let's go and do something else.

Your children need to learn to self soothe after a telling off and you are undermining your husband by comforting them. Part of being told off for being naughty is the feeling shit so you feel remorseful. If you're telling them it's ok daddy didn't mean it shh have a cuddle what is that teaching them?

My father was a bully and my mother never stood up for us. What I am not sure about is whether or not you think that your DH’s telling off is correct but excessive. If he’s right to tell them off but does it excessively then this is something to discuss with him, separately and away from the particular incident.

You should, imv, work as a team and back each other up. Comforting a child when the other parent has told them off suggests that you and your DH aren’t doing that. What is the child supposed to understand from this.?

I'm not sure a 3 and 4 year old need a long winded explanation of why he's said no. They're too busy reacting to the "no" to take in what he says.

I'm with your dh on this one.

"No you can't have any chocolate because it's tea time in 30 minutes and you'll be full"

"Shhhh darling, there, there, it's ok"

It sounds like he's saying no and giving a reason, and you're there soothing them about that.

It's undermining, and not teaching them a great lesson in dealing with emotions and how to react when being told no.

I know it’s not your intention but you’re definitely undermining him and setting the children up to be quite demanding through no fault of their own.

I agree with your DH. No need for cuddles and petting when they burst into tears at being told no; better to distract cheerfully and not dwell on it.

You're undermining your DH while he's over explaining. It sounds like you both need to change your approach and both give short explanations as to why your DC can't have exactly what they want right now, and then distract with them something they can have now. You're not going to raise resiliant insividuals if they are comforted every time they fuss because they can't have something. It's OK to be cross because you can't having something, it's the way you learn to handle it that's important.