This is a mad thing to say isn't it?

[TotalShitTimeOfIt]

I have 2 DS (3 and 4).

If DH says no to one of them (no extra snack, whatever) and one of them starts to cry over something, I might make a "shhh" sound as I give them a cuddle. Nothing crazy I guess it's just habit

Often when DH says no to something he will give quite lengthy explanations as they're crying or getting upset "the reason I said no is because blah blah blah and I refuse to back down because etc"

H just said no to DS watching telly and DS started crying. I was comforting him snd H said angrily snapping at me saying "stop telling me to shhh, it's disrespectful". I ignored him but when DS calmed down, I said to H quietly in the next room

"I'm not asking you to be quiet, I'm comforting the kids"

He said "bollocks"

I said "no really I am. I'm just in that habit of shhh when they're crying"

H has said to me that i shouldn't make that noise anymore as it feels disrespectful to him and they don't need me to comfort them like they're babies anyway

He's being mad isn't he? He doesn't want to talk about it anymore so that's that.

I do think he lectures them. They're crying and he's stood over them lecturing a 3 year old about why TV isn't allowed on during the day. Just my instinct to comfort a crying kid. but I can tell from all your messages that I'm getting it wrong. I just heard H tell me off for giving my kid a cuddle which seems mad to me but clearly I've got it wrong.

Yeah but he's got it wrong too. A breezy 'no, sweetheart, no TV/sweets right now' then direct them to something else, rather than a fraught situation where child is wailing, dad is overexplaining, mum is fussing and both adults are pissed off with each other.

I think your husband is actually doing it by the book and not just saying no, but explaining why. I think you need to let the message sink in a little, rather than interfere and make shushing noises. There is nothing wrong in telling your child no and explaining why. If your child if. Is crying because they can’t have a treat, that’s something they need learn - they can’t get what they want all the time and it’s irresponsible of parents to let them. By jumping in and making shushing noises, it reinforces their thoughts that they’ve been ‘wronged’, when they haven’t and parents are doing things for their own good.

There is obviously nothing wrong with cuddling and you are sounding a bit manipulative with your false naivety that the take home message is people think you shouldn’t cuddle a child. You know that’s not the issue here.

Did all this take place in front of the kids? Him telling you not to undermine him etc? If it did he sounds quite horrible. I'm interested why it wasn't ok for the kids to watch tv, although if he was offering to play a game with them or go on a walk or do a fun activity then fair enough enough but I would be very surprised if this was the case. Frankly if he did "tell you off" in front of the children for giving them a cuddle then that's the least of your worries. Lecturing a little one is beyond boring. No wonder they were crying and needing comfort.

Dad says no tv. He does the right thing and explains the logic behind the decision. You undermine him by giving the children cuddles.

you need to join team dad. No, dad is right, you have had enough screen time today. Should we do a puzzle or read a book?… if they don’t pick,and are still crying, grab a book and start reading. You are still providing comfort, but you are modeling moving on from disappointment instead of reinforcing that dad was the bad guy and you need mom cuddles now.

God he sounds domineering and tiresome

I didn't say that though. I said that when H told me off for cuddling the kid, I thought he was being ridiculous but I didn't interpret it as undermining him. If I had understood or seen I was undermining him - why would have I posted? He thinks I'm being disrespectful, I think he sounds ridiculous, so I posted here and have got almost unanimous agreement that I am indeed disrespecting his parenting style - so I've said I'm gonna change or reflect on that

Isn't that the point of this forum? To find out if you're being unreasonable or not?

When you put the kids to bed tonight have a chat and agree on a plan moving forward. Sounds like you both are just doing what you think is best and maybe just need to agree on a compromise. All the best xxx

You are definitely undermining him. The issue is that you have not sat down as parents and agreed what your parenting priorities are - when you shhhh/hug the children you are communicating that you are on their side and disagree with DH. This is wrong. You sit quietly, steaming if necessary, and without the children you discuss the fact you (clearly) disagree with his rationale, you discuss this and work out how you move forward.

There may be times when he is right that they don’t need a snack or whatever is the issue, there may be times when he is being a bit over-strict. I often disagree with DH’s position, but I never undermine him to call him out in front of my kids. I discuss this without the kids present and we hammer out our differences in private.

I will try to talk with him tonight. He is not the compromising type but I will say to him that I get that me comforting the kids is undermining him and I won't do it again and maybe he might listen to me when I say that I think sometimes he keeps going and going on when they're honestly too upset to hear what's he saying anyway and that maybe he could keep the explanation less angry and lengthy, especially for the 3 year old.

I completely get what you mean @TotalShitTimeOfIt (also two DS here, 3 & 5). My DP will often go on a long monologue of why this and why not that etc etc, the excessive waffle bores me let alone the kids. It's also fairly laughable that he's shut down a conversation with you, about him feeling shut down by you. Maybe the irony of that will sink in a little later for him...

As for the cuddle - if my children are crying, I will always offer comfort. It doesn't mean negotiations are reopening or that a decision will be overturned. In the same way I wouldn't pretend I couldn't see my partner crying and just carry on with my day. Doesn't mean I can or will fix the issue itself.

I believe children should be taught ‘no’ and they have to learn to self soothe.
I think you want to comfort your children, you have the very best of intentions, but the children will always run to you for a different outcome, or that Daddy is being mean.
I believe a ‘lecture’ of why something is inappropriate or wrong makes the little ones ‘zone out’ and at their age they can’t take in what is being said.
So. I do think your husband is correct, certainly not mad, and I can understand his frustration.
I don’t think you mean to undermine him, and it’s less confusing for the children when you and your husband present a united front.

Tbh the kids don’t need a massive explanation about why no telly, snacks or whatever but they do need a short explanation. I’d usually say ‘I understand you’re upset/frustrated/angry but …’ They don’t need comforting with cuddles imo, I think that sends the message that DH is in the wrong.

He is angry in his explanations!? To a three and four year old? When the topic is the TV?? Not hitting or spitting in people's faces. Is he aggressive in his manner? No and a reason why, sure, but it should be a) short and b) calm. If he's angry and going on and on then no wonder they cry and you want to comfort them.

Sounds like you are being disrespectful. They should be listening to their dad not having a tantrum and a cuddle 🙄.
You are completely undermining his message.
Him saying no should be a completely non issue - you make it an issue by validating that it’s ok to get upset about something daft like turning off the telly or not having a snack. (A bit like when mothers rush over to a perfectly fine child that has fallen over in the park to cuddle them - funnily enough the kids without the helicopter mum don’t cry over the smallest thing and get in with having fun).

I know you are doing it with the best of intentions, but I can completely understand why your DH feels undermined. You are treating them like babies (because they ARE your babies), whereas your DH is trying to reason with them - two completely different approaches. To comfort your kids whilst he is speaking and attempting to explain something to them says, "there there, don't listen to mean old daddy, mummy's here, it's ok". I know you probably don't mean it like that but you should be aware of how that could come across.

He thinks you are undermining him. There should be a united front. Daddy says no TV or snacks, that’s end of discussion. Them crying is because they are frustrated so you comforting them makes them think that you agree with them that Daddy is mean.
You should really be trying to offer a “daddy said no TV/snack, so how about we do this activity instead…”. Then you are showing a united font, but not pandering to their crocodile tears.

If I was parenting my child and they were upset about it and my husband breenged in to comfort them like I'm the bad guy... I'd lose the heid completely.

Sounds utterly insufferable.

I just heard H tell me off for giving my kid a cuddle which seems mad to me but clearly I've got it wrong

Is he their father OP?
If not, ignore me - but if he is, referring the the DC as "my" kid says a lot

Otherwise I agree with most PPs; rather than playing good cop/bad cop, discuss this between yourselves and agree an approach you can both stick to

Yes because the message you are giving them is that they don’t need to listen to your DH and it’s ok to ignore him / disrespect him as you immediately step in with attention and affirmation that crying is ok because they get positive attention from you.

Your DC are at the age where their development is to learn about cause / effect and consequences. At the moment they are learning if i get daddy to tell me off mummy steps in immediately with a positive behaviour so actually it’s ok to ignore / wind daddy up because I get rewarded with a cuddle.

It might be that your DH is going a bit OTT with very detailed explanations about why it’s a no but that is a separate conversation for you to have with your DH.

It is disrespectful in this instance. He is talking to the child and you are talking over him.

You are both wrong.

Dh needs to give short explanations (crying kids aren’t listening because they can’t) and you need to encourage your kids to self soothe so that when they are upset away from you eg at school, they can emotionally regulate without cuddles.

It’s not bad for kids cry. 2/3 is the age where kids learn how to deal with their emotions and crying when denied a snack is normal. Just because they are crying, it doesn’t mean that they need immediate cuddles and smoothing. Your h is making things into a bigger deal with lengthy explanations but you hugging and soothing is sending the message that daddy is wrong.

It must be undermining for your DH to see you comforting the children right after he's refused them something, as if he has been cruel rather than setting a boundary. If they are still crying fifteen minutes later you might give them a hug then and say that Mum and Dad love them but they can't always have exactly what they want.

Agree with the majority.

You may not be meaning to, but you are undermining him.

And you are also not really giving them the opportunity to learn to deal with being told no in a sensible manner. They are going to hear "no" at school and no-one is going to be comforting them.

You are both messing this up. How utterly confusing for little kids, one lecturing one cuddling and saying shhh as they are talking.

you don’t need to always agree with your husband nor him you, but you shouldn’t undermine each other.

he is right, explaining why it’s a no is good. But not in a lecture style. Crying because they don’t get their own way isn’t a positive.

i think I’m on your husbands side here. If I was explaining to my child why they couldn’t habe something and my husband was cuddling and going shhh. I’d be furious.