This is a mad thing to say isn't it?

[TotalShitTimeOfIt]

I have 2 DS (3 and 4).

If DH says no to one of them (no extra snack, whatever) and one of them starts to cry over something, I might make a "shhh" sound as I give them a cuddle. Nothing crazy I guess it's just habit

Often when DH says no to something he will give quite lengthy explanations as they're crying or getting upset "the reason I said no is because blah blah blah and I refuse to back down because etc"

H just said no to DS watching telly and DS started crying. I was comforting him snd H said angrily snapping at me saying "stop telling me to shhh, it's disrespectful". I ignored him but when DS calmed down, I said to H quietly in the next room

"I'm not asking you to be quiet, I'm comforting the kids"

He said "bollocks"

I said "no really I am. I'm just in that habit of shhh when they're crying"

H has said to me that i shouldn't make that noise anymore as it feels disrespectful to him and they don't need me to comfort them like they're babies anyway

He's being mad isn't he? He doesn't want to talk about it anymore so that's that.

Could be be doing it as he’s faced with fhe kids playing uo and you undermining him?

OP, I don't think it's ever wrong to comfort a crying child. They are a child. They are full of emotions that they can't regulate or understand, which is developmental and I don't believe can be taught by being harsh to kids.

What I try to do is hold a boundary (e.g. no tv right now, no snack) but if they get upset (which I find reasonable tbh) I will sympathise and say I know its hard and you're sad you can't have xyz, give them a cuddle and help them work through their feelings but do not give in. Then maybe offer a distraction. I find my kids do tend to get over things quicker because they have processed the feelings. Not saying I get this right all the time, definitely not!

Maybe this is sort of what you are doing but your DH doesn't see it like that currently.

One shouting while the other comforts sends very confusing and unhelpful messages. You need to agree with your H how your DC will be told no, in a way you're both comfortable with. So he gets to be firm and not undermined, you get assurance he will not raise his voice or be intimidating. If DC get upset when the agreed tactics are used, then the person who used them needs to follow that up, with explanation and hugs as appropriate. The other stays out of it.

I believe in always explaining the ‘why’. It should be age appropriate and done calmly.

sometimes the why can be meaningful, like dinner is in 10 minutes so we aren’t eating snack, sometimes the why can just be honest, because mommy is too tired to go to the park. Your children can quickly learn to recognize that there is an entire world revolving around their whims. They will still be guided by those whims at 2 and 4, but by giving a quick explanation, you give them context for why their demands aren’t always met and help them slowly grasp the idea that others have needs too.

For what it's worth, OP, I don't think you're wrong. Affection and comfort should never be used as rewards for good behaviour, and nor should the withholding of them ever be used as a punishment. If you were giving in to their demands as soon as they started to cry, that would absolutely be undermining, but you're not doing that - you're holding your husband's line while still sympathising with their upset.

Ideally it would be your husband offering the comfort, but it sounds like he's too busy on his soapbox to do that.

They're very young.

So he is telling them off and u r comforting them, no wonder he is annoyed, sound like u want them to become brats.

Funnily enough, unlike your username, it is not the appropriate adult thing to do to cuddle and calm a child by sshhhing them, while their other parent is giving them a row about something.

It's patronising to the other parent ("oh you big bully you, here's mummy to save the day again"), and it sends mixed messages to the kids, pitting the adults against each other in their eyes ("shh shh, there there, you're safe from daddy with mummy, it's ok")

It can all be fixed by OP and her husband communicating better about parenting styles and showing a united front to the children.

You are undermining his parenting and confusing the children and setting them up to view him as the "bad' parent and you as the "good" parent - but he is also being unreasonable giving such young children long rationales for his saying no.

You are Team Parent and you need to forge a joint approach. Unless things are going badly wrong you need to let the other parent do their thing their way and if you disagree talk about it later.

Well I am glad I'm not the kid of most of the parents on this thread!
I don't see any undermining going on, she's comforting her crying children, not overturning her DH's decisions or giving in to the kids demands.
Why should she leave her kids crying alone while they're getting a completely age inappropriate shouty lecture from their dad?
I wouldn't shush a crying kid though, it's not like you're cuddling a crying baby to sleep, kids need to be able to express their upset, not be shushed.
It's totally normal for a three year old to cry when they can't get what they want. Giving them a cuddle and saying "I can see you're upset by this, it's frustrating when we can't do/have what we want" helps them to learn to deal with their feelings in a healthy way

You shouldn't be comforting your child for crying when you've just said no, Esoecially if it's your partner that has said it. You are undermining him.

He also shouldn't be launching into lengthy explanations after telling a child no while they are crying. He is making them more upset and stops them from being able to regulate themselves. He's haranguing them. And it's not helping their understanding so completely pointless. It's also getting into the territory of arguing with your child which is never helpful. "No you can't have a biscuit because you are about to eat dinner" is enough. No further explanation is required or needs to be given.

I think a lot of the responses are failing to read the age of your kids. At 3 and even at 4 their brains aren't capable of reasoning whilst they are upset so most psychologists say you need to help them learn to calm themselves down when they lose it - I have a younger boy but i find I can tell quite clearly the difference between a "winge" where he is upset about the boundary (I wouldn't raise my voice ever at him but i would be more focused on the boundary and distraction) and when its escalated to the point where they don't remember what upset them, they are just spiralling (at which point the advice tends to be help them calm down by supporting your connection and validating their feelings - it doesn't mean giving up the boundary but they don't hear the "explanation" when they are that upset so there is no point being so over the top with reinforcing it). Once they've calmed down remind them of the boundary and redirect them.