Trying not to blow up at my mother

[MoMhathair]

This is largely a rant, but advice is very welcome.

My mother is very emotionally immature and in my 20s/early 30s I didn't speak to her much. More recently (I'm in my 40s) I decided to accept her as she is, she's mellowed out a lot and we've manage to build a pretty good relationship. We don't live in the same country but we chat fairly often and see each other a few times a year.

She has a big birthday coming up next year, so I've been talking to my sister (who lives in the same country as I) about organising something for that. I've spoken to my mother and asked her if she'd like a party in her town, or if she'd like everyone in the immediate family to go away on a trip. Response was 'oh I don't want a party,' and she was keen a trip, so, trip it is.

The problem is that at a previous significant birthday we were told no parties, then my other sister (who is a horrible being) organised a party without telling me and my (not horrible) sister. There is a 'lovely' photo from that party of all the extended family with me and my sister and our husbands/children excluded. As you can imagine, neither of us was happy about this. My mother said nothing about it because she ignores my horrible sister's behaviour due to aforementioned emotional immaturity.

I can see my horrible sister doing the same thing again - there has already been talk of 'something small' being organised. Or if she doesn't do it, I can see one of my mother's sisters (who are genuinely nice people) organising something low-key and last-minute which means my sister and I won't be invited.

So I have a few options - lovely sister and I organise a party, even though my mother says she doesn't want one, to short-circuit a situation where my horrible sister organises something without us.

Let go of the whole party thing and just do the trip and accept that there will be another extended family photo without me and my lovely sister and our families.

Try to talk to my mother about this. This is the worst option as she is incapable of discussing anything.

I know there's probably no good way out of this. It's surprising me how much it's upsetting me - I think years of accepting low-level crappy behaviour are coming back to haunt me. Thankfully my (not horrible) sister is an angel - without her I'd probably lose my shit entirely.

This is ridiculous.

Contact the wider family, say you are organising a slightly belated birthday party for the whole extended family on X date as you were disappointed to not be invited last time.

Ask the Aunts if they could help by arranging xyz.

Take mother for trip as well.

I wouldn't care if my DS lived a thousand miles away - I'd expect my DD to at least invite him. I can't imagine having a big family celebration and basically acting like my DS doesn't exist.

She doesn't want to discuss my sister's behaviour. She knows it's horrendous, but she can't deal with it so she doesn't. TBH the person she's let down the most is my horrible sister - she is extraordinarily dysfunctional, partly because my parents never dealt with her behaviour.

Your DM is emotionally immature?
You are in your mid 40s witting about nice sister/horrible sister.
You don't get that someone might say they don't want a fuss or a party, they might mean it, but if a surprise party is organised, they might actually enjoy it, or at the very least go along with it with good grace?
You've decided to move overseas, but still expect every family gathering to revolve around you?
I think it's probably you that needs to grow up

You are in your mid 40s witting about nice sister/horrible sister.
Because I can't use their names and this way of speaking about them is relevant to what I'm talking about. As I said, horrible sister is abusive. I don't know how else to express it but maybe you think I'm lying for some reason?
You don't get that someone might say they don't want a fuss or a party, they might mean it, but if a surprise party is organised, they might actually enjoy it, or at the very least go along with it with good grace?
I don't know why you think I don't get this. Maybe it was something I said?

You've decided to move overseas, but still expect every family gathering to revolve around you?
No, I don't. I hope that changes your mind on that one.

I think it's probably you that needs to grow up
I don't generally talk to people like this and I don't usually take advice from people who speak like this. Sorry if this advice was well meant and I'm focusing too much on the tone/words.

This for me is a key factor, along with the fact the two of you live abroad. I would organise a party, frame it as a family party for everyone to get together as the wider family never all get together. Then have a cake for your Mum you can bring out.

You know your Sister will do a party and exclude you so preempt her.

You will never get a date that suits everyone. Tbh if a family member has a big birthday coming up I generally ask if there are any plans, any dates I need to keep clear and so on. Especially if there is travel involved.

That's what I would do - I'd say it's pretty standard. I know dates can't suit everyone, but trying to plan so family members can make it is fairly normal I would say. Not even telling people a party is happening is the whole other end of the scale.

Organise your trip and go on that - enjoy it and let them organise a party if they see fit.

That way, you're still getting to celebrate with your mum.

With all due respect, and please don't take this as a dig cos it genuinely isn't (and your sister sounds like a dickhead), they also have no duty to arrange around you and nice sister as it's your mums birthday. You have a trip planned, and can either make the party, or you can't, it's surplus as you're already celebrating.

Get a picture on your trip, fuck their party and leave them to it.

Your mum doesn’t seem too bothered by parties - she has chosen a trip over a party with you.
Maybe to her it’s simply no big deal? You live in a different country, so you have chosen to distance yourself geographically from your family. It’s completely normal that they get on with life while you’re not there. What seems to you as a BIG celebration was perhaps to them a thrown together gathering of those who live locally? Lovely that so many could make it, nice photos etc, but nothing to do with the children who live abroad.

Honestly, you’re giving this too much thought. You are celebrating with your mum the way you and she have chosen to. Let the rest of your family in their country of residence do what they like. It’s nothing to do with you.

You acknowledge that your sister is irrational and you don’t like her, yet you are considering having a party for your mum, to one up your disliked sister?

ask yourself why you are making such decisions. What is the purpose of this celebration? Your mum? Or to stick the finger up at your sister?

I would hope that the intention is to celebrate your mother and if that’s by having a trip, then do that. You then need to manage your feelings of jealousy and exclusion. If your relations are celebrating in a different country, then that’s just a product of your distance, maybe. That should be OK.