Trying not to blow up at my mother

[MoMhathair]

This is largely a rant, but advice is very welcome.

My mother is very emotionally immature and in my 20s/early 30s I didn't speak to her much. More recently (I'm in my 40s) I decided to accept her as she is, she's mellowed out a lot and we've manage to build a pretty good relationship. We don't live in the same country but we chat fairly often and see each other a few times a year.

She has a big birthday coming up next year, so I've been talking to my sister (who lives in the same country as I) about organising something for that. I've spoken to my mother and asked her if she'd like a party in her town, or if she'd like everyone in the immediate family to go away on a trip. Response was 'oh I don't want a party,' and she was keen a trip, so, trip it is.

The problem is that at a previous significant birthday we were told no parties, then my other sister (who is a horrible being) organised a party without telling me and my (not horrible) sister. There is a 'lovely' photo from that party of all the extended family with me and my sister and our husbands/children excluded. As you can imagine, neither of us was happy about this. My mother said nothing about it because she ignores my horrible sister's behaviour due to aforementioned emotional immaturity.

I can see my horrible sister doing the same thing again - there has already been talk of 'something small' being organised. Or if she doesn't do it, I can see one of my mother's sisters (who are genuinely nice people) organising something low-key and last-minute which means my sister and I won't be invited.

So I have a few options - lovely sister and I organise a party, even though my mother says she doesn't want one, to short-circuit a situation where my horrible sister organises something without us.

Let go of the whole party thing and just do the trip and accept that there will be another extended family photo without me and my lovely sister and our families.

Try to talk to my mother about this. This is the worst option as she is incapable of discussing anything.

I know there's probably no good way out of this. It's surprising me how much it's upsetting me - I think years of accepting low-level crappy behaviour are coming back to haunt me. Thankfully my (not horrible) sister is an angel - without her I'd probably lose my shit entirely.

Arrange the trip. Tell your nice aunts you’d love to be invited to any party, “it might not be possible to come but let me and nice sister know and we’ll do our best”

But your mum ignoring bad behaviour is to be expected As you’ve said, she emotionally immature. I’d try to make peace with the situation. There are some positives - your mum’s improved a bit and you have one lovely sister.

Organise and book a big surprise party, no doubt horrid sister will find out and spoil the surprise but just overlook that.

You can do a trip away with your Mum as well whilst you are there visiting?

Don't invite horrible sister on the trip if you are doing all the organising.

Does your mum favour the horrible sister? Would she refuse to go on the trip if your horrible sister isn't invited?

You are right, I know. My sister is a genuine, solid-gold angel. She's so upset about this whole malarkey, that's a big part of what's driving me nuts.

She doesn't favour her as such, she's just afraid of her I think. She does all sort of horrible things and my mother says nothing, but if lovely sister and I put a foot wrong we're terrible and awful and all sorts.

Looks like you are looking for a fantasy version of your family even though you know it doesn't exist. (Doesmt exist for most families) Your relationships are fractured ,your mother has issues. You can't keep trying to make you all one big happy family for photos. We've got some weird dynamics going on, people have their own issues, we just accept and do our own thing and what we can. That's all we can do.

Why I'm earth would there be any danger of you 'blowing up' at your mother? From what you've said the woman is minding her own business while her daughters variously organise things for her, scheme and compete about who's thing will be best and who to exclude. In all honesty she isn't the one who's coming across as emotionally immature in your post. You have agreed with her to do a trip so do your trip. If someone else decides to do a party there's nothing you can do about it. If they decide not to ask you, then it's them you should speak to (if you must blow up!) I can quite understand why your mother would go along with it for a quiet life.... You're adults and the days when she should get between your squabbles should really be behind her.

Definitely let you extended family know. Something like, "The party looked great. Sis and I would have loved to have been invited". That way they know it's not on you that you weren't there.

Grey rock horrible sister. Ice her out of conversations with your other sister. Don't give her the big reaction she's hoping for

I know you're right and I've managed to do this for a while but it feels like actually accepting it I've just been tolerating it IYSWIM and now it's all avalanched down in a heap of anger and resentment. I can't keep ignoring my feelings or my sister's feelings (tbh it's my sister's feelings that bother me more) but there's no good way out of it beyond just pretending we don't feel massively fucked off by the whole thing.

I think this is a fair comment. The way I feel about it, my mother knows what my sister does is awful but she does nothing about it, which makes me feels she doesn't give a shit about me and my other sister. If one of my children organised a birthday party without inviting the other I'd be so pissed at them - in fact they wouldn't do it because they'd know how much it would bother me. But my mother just ignores it. If I blew up at her it wouldn't really be about the party, it'd be about never addressing anything. I know it'd do no good, which is why I'm trying to avoid it.

It's her birthday, not yours.

Do the trip she wants and make it special and let everyone else crack on

Is 'horrible' sister coming on the trip?

And it's ok for your mum to have more than one celebration.

I think this post is very good. Blunt but sometimes home truths have to be. Your mother does not need to call out your sister. There can be multiple celebrations. Accept that you and your dsis do not get on and as grown adults, this is fine.

You are very quick to call your own mother “emotionally immature” and your own sister “horrible” and “not right in the head”. It would be interesting to know what your aunts think about the whole situation.

I am one of 3 sisters and the relationships are complicated for all sorts of reasons. But as grown women, we keep mum out of it as much as possible. I suggest that you do the same.

Horrible sister will come on the trip unfortunately. If we left her out we'd get it in the neck.

If you live in another country, regardless of all the baggage and other issues, you have to accept that they will do things you can’t attend.

Let it go.

My sister is objectively horrible. She has abused multiple partners, she bullied my other sister relentlessly even though she was nearly ten years older than her (think 12 year old taunting and goading a 3 year old into hysterics, daily, while my parents pretend nothing is happening) and she treats my mother like shit.

I am being immature about this, I agree, because this is my mom and I only have one. Wanting to celebrate with her isn't too much to expect. I have accepted she doesn't care about me to a certain extent but it's hard to keep going with that indefinitely. Sometimes I just feel really upset about it.

Why did your mother allow your 12 year old sister to goad and taunt a 3 year old? That is such poor parenting. It seems as though that dynamic has continued to adulthood and I would pull back from your mother if possible as she will never treat you and your younger sister fairly.

You can't keep doing this to yourself, large family get together are fraught and stressful at the best of times, you cant bend over backwards like this only to be feel let down and rejected. . If you want to see your mum, visit the country , take her for a quiet meal or something. The effort of that is enough. See the aunts and cousins you get on with separately if you want. Reduce contact with the other people. Take control of what you want.

Because she didn't know how to deal with it, so she just ignored it. My dad barely noticed (he's another issues entirely!). I have pulled back from her to a certain extent (I moved country originally to help with pulling away) but I have tried to build some sort of relationship with her. It's hard to just cut her off completely - regardless of how poor her parenting skills are she's still my mom. But really this a continuation of the same dynamic, you're right.

I do try to be the bigger person and rise above and all that but I am human and at times it gets really exhausting.

So let her? Just assume you’re not going and let it go. It’s too toxic.

But you ARE celebrating with her

And as horrible sister is a bully who you are all afraid of, why expect your elderly mother to be any different?

Bring this out into the open then. Say to your aunts and other relatives 'if Horrible Sister invites you to a party for mum this time, could you pass on the details? Last time she didn't tell us and when we found out it was too late to arrange childcare to come'. Make what's going on clear to others, rather than worrying that they'll think the worst of you because they don't know.

If your sister hadn’t organised the party, as originally planned, these pictures wouldn’t exist. I’m not criticising, I’m just wondering if reframing this part of the upset might help.

Could you and your sister organise a family picture to mark her birthday in addition to the trip? Then you all come away with something to be treasured.

This -

Let go of the whole party thing and just do the trip and accept that there will be another extended family photo without me and my lovely sister and our families.

Don't organise something your mum said she doesn’t want. You can’t control things around your other sister’s behaviour. Better to choose to let it go than contrive to get in there earlier with an unwanted party. Don’t get roped in to mad behaviour.