Trying not to blow up at my mother

[MoMhathair]

This is largely a rant, but advice is very welcome.

My mother is very emotionally immature and in my 20s/early 30s I didn't speak to her much. More recently (I'm in my 40s) I decided to accept her as she is, she's mellowed out a lot and we've manage to build a pretty good relationship. We don't live in the same country but we chat fairly often and see each other a few times a year.

She has a big birthday coming up next year, so I've been talking to my sister (who lives in the same country as I) about organising something for that. I've spoken to my mother and asked her if she'd like a party in her town, or if she'd like everyone in the immediate family to go away on a trip. Response was 'oh I don't want a party,' and she was keen a trip, so, trip it is.

The problem is that at a previous significant birthday we were told no parties, then my other sister (who is a horrible being) organised a party without telling me and my (not horrible) sister. There is a 'lovely' photo from that party of all the extended family with me and my sister and our husbands/children excluded. As you can imagine, neither of us was happy about this. My mother said nothing about it because she ignores my horrible sister's behaviour due to aforementioned emotional immaturity.

I can see my horrible sister doing the same thing again - there has already been talk of 'something small' being organised. Or if she doesn't do it, I can see one of my mother's sisters (who are genuinely nice people) organising something low-key and last-minute which means my sister and I won't be invited.

So I have a few options - lovely sister and I organise a party, even though my mother says she doesn't want one, to short-circuit a situation where my horrible sister organises something without us.

Let go of the whole party thing and just do the trip and accept that there will be another extended family photo without me and my lovely sister and our families.

Try to talk to my mother about this. This is the worst option as she is incapable of discussing anything.

I know there's probably no good way out of this. It's surprising me how much it's upsetting me - I think years of accepting low-level crappy behaviour are coming back to haunt me. Thankfully my (not horrible) sister is an angel - without her I'd probably lose my shit entirely.

I would do this and arrive at the party and surprise your mum. Once you have the information you could be a bit vague about coming or would at least one aunt keep your coming a secret and keep you updated if any changes. It would certainly take the wind out of your sisters sails.

But I assume your children are still under 18?
I wouldn’t let me 12 year old Dd exclude her 9 year old brother but it’s a different matter when they are adults. At 18 she can’t take her 15 year old brother down the pub to celebrate.
It gets even more ridiculous if you say you are in your 40’s. At what age do you stop expecting mummy to sort out your disagreements?

Bloody hell! Don’t go with horrible sister

yes I agree with this. Your mother's being put in the middle.

Genuine question - say you were turning 60 and your DD threw you a party with all your siblings, nieces nephews etc and you asked where your DS was and she said she didn't invite him - would you be fine with that?

i would organise the trip and tell the naughty sister you want to be invited in advance in case she throws a party so you make travel arrangements. no further discussion, just calmly make her aware.. anything past that is our of your control really.

To clarify I would never expect to be invited to a party my sister was throwing for herself - we don't even speak to each other. I'm not expecting my mummy to sort my disagreements, but I do want to be invited to a celebration of a big birthday of hers. I think it's normal for someone's children to be invited to their significant birthdays.

If it's important to you then do the party. Your mum will be happy and so will you. The vile sister not so much but that's just a bonus.

Well if my DS lived in a different country and I already had plans to see him on a lovely trip I would assume he didn’t have enough leave/money to make two trips.
I don’t expect my children to arrange their lives around me. I’m not like these bridezillas who want guests to travel across the world for their wedding and a separate hen party.
Sorry if your mum will kick off at you not attending any party along with your trip.

Great idea. You can meet your mum at home before the trip and use as an excuse to see family. Even if your kids aren’t there it means your horrible sister doesn’t get to exclude you.

You don't live in the same country. You can't expect to be invited to low key last minute things. Do your trip and accept that other things will happen without you. It's the price of living in different countries.

I think most normal people would be upset at that. And in most families it just wouldn’t happen!

Fair enough - I wouldn't be happy if my DD organised a big birthday party for me and didn't tell my DS about it. I'd consider it very mean.

You want to be part of a big family party so organise one.

You’re not answering the question though. “You’d assume he didn’t have leave/money to come to both events”. But what if he wasn’t even given the option to attend the family gathering? Thats rude, right?

In the situation I'm talking about I wasn't even told the party was happening - I only knew when I saw the photos afterwards.

Well I wouldn't be happy if one child even an adult one hadn't been invited but other than saying that isn't very nice to exclude your sister X what would you want your
Mum to do. Walk out of the party. Say sorry rest of extended family who have all made arrangements to come to my celebration but I am not going?
And tbh if the last party for your Mum was a big birthday then presumably you have been harbouring these feelings for 9 years. Or maybe 4 if you celebrate 65. Just let it go. You can't control your sisters actions but you can control your response to them. See your Mum and extended family at different times

You've asked, and you mom's agreed to a trip. What happens if you find out there is a party being organised?

Do you cancel the trip that she actually wants, to attend a party she says she doesn't want?

There's no blowing up necessary here. You've decided to accept her for who she is so you can have a relationship with her. You cannot, however, make your horrible sister or lovely aunt plan a party in advance and give you notice - those are outside your control.

FOMO is something you have to manage when you live away from the rest of your family as well.

I'd expect her to acknowledge my sister's behaviour at the very least, but I know she can't do that, so I'm stuck with what I've got. Which I know I can't change, but that doesn't mean I feel ok with it.

but if your mums birthday, therefore party is in school time, you wouldn't be able to go anyway.

What does your mum say to you about it all?
I would be letting the Aunties know that you knew nothing about the party and didnt get an invite.

It wouldn't be hard to find a date when we could go - it doesn't have to be on her exact birthday.

My mother has said not one word about the previous party - if I mentioned it to her she would probably change the subject or try to imply I'm being stupid.

It doesn't have to be her exact birthday but most people celebrate with a big party on the weekend either before or after their birthday. Surely if that doesn't work because you are in a different country you do something special when you can get together. I really wouldn't be expecting all the family to wait for a time suitable for 2 members. I would however expect them to be invited so they can make the choice of whether that date works for them.

You would go ahead and have a big family birthday party without your adult children because they can't make the weekend before or after your birthday? What if others couldn't make those weekends? Would you just go ahead and have it regardless of who could attend? (Sorry about all the questions - I'm interested because generally I plan parties around the people I would like to have there, not around specific dates).

But you all live in the same country?

Just make sure you have lovely photos from the trip

Because she doesn't want the row?