Dubious about a wedding photo

[blushroses6]

Hi, not really sure how to feel and have no one irl to discuss this with so hoping for some thoughts! Will try to keep it short.

DP went to a friends wedding a few weeks back, it was mid week, there were no kids allowed and it was a short plane journey away so I didn’t go as we have a toddler and 6 week old. I knew a girl was going to be there that he had previously spoken to although nothing physical had ever happened apparently. When I was pregnant with our first, a text from her popped up asking if he wanted to play an online game, I thought it was odd but he said they played prior to us meeting and he hadn’t spoken to her while we’d been together. I was a bit dubious that anyone would text so out the blue but accepted it, although had a snoop at her fb/insta and saw that he had liked all of her pics, which were primarily selfies.

Anyway, fast forward to today. The groom shared a post from the photographer who had shared 10 images from the day. I was flicking through them and out of all the people who attended this wedding and all the photos that must have been taken, one of the images shows her and DP dancing. The photo is just of them and while it looks more like regular dancing than slow dancing, he is beaming looking at her, her hand very close to his as if they’d just let go holding hands. Looking at it anyone would think they were a (very happy) couple.

AIBU to not be suspicious if anything further happened and/or to just feel a bit sad?

I agree with this... I've danced with many different people at weddings as my husband doesn't enjoy dancing at all and often you break off in to small groups/couples of dancers. It's never meant anything other than a dance.

I have male friends that I communicate with mostly online. I would be up for an online game, and yea occasionally we don’t contact one another in ages and then something will pop up.

If I met one at a wedding (presumably mutual friends) you would see me animatedly chatting away and looking happy dancing as I would be pleased to see them.

Nothing dodgy going on, just old friends catching up. Men and women can have friendship that don’ go beyond that!

Unless you have other reasons to be worried I think this is the stress of having a newborn and chat to you DH when he gets home how hard it was to be left at this stage. Say the truth, you thought it would be ok but it was really difficult.

No way would I be ok with this or him liking all her selfies. Trust your instincts on this one x

It sounds like he was having fun, there mightn’t be anything more to it but best chat to him and ask.

I think it's ok to feel a bit insecure sometimes and to communicate with him calmly about it. His response and his treatment of you will tell you a lot more than any of the clues you are currently trying to piece together.

I think the wedding photo is neither here nor there, I must have danced with thousands of people over the years including holding hands, grinning happily, etc.

I actually don’t think you’re reading too much into it. When you say “had previously spoken to” her, do you mean that as in pre-dating? Like a “talking stage”? That’s how I read it, and if so, and given the texting, game playing and liking of photos, I would be extremely uncomfortable.

Have you spoken to him about it? Maybe lay off any accusations for now, but make it be known that you’re very uncomfortable with it and gauge his response.

Even if nothing physical has happened between them, he is acting disrespectfully to you. He is being inappropriate

I understand you feeling fragile but the photo may be totally innocent. Look at any photo of people having fun dancing and they’ll be beaming, catch a moment in time of two people moving independently but near eachother and there will be a time that their bodies are close and they’re looking at eachother. They might have even known the photo was being taken and increased the looks of enjoyment for the photo opportunity.

The groom wouldn’t have shared the photo online if there was anything dodgy about it I wouldn’t have thought.

If I were you, I’d have a word with my husband / partner (sorry I can’t remember which it is), and explain that I’m feeling vulnerable and the photo made me feel worried.

Might be innocent, might not be. I totally understand where you are coming from.

This has to be a joke surely. I refuse to accept that people are actually like this?!

I think there are 2 ways of looking at this and this has been demonstrated by the posts on here. There is an almost 'LTB' post on here then 'you are overthinking it'

On the surface It doesn't look like anything serious. Lots of people male and female like each others photos on instagram. Is he the kind of person that likes a lot of peoples (male and female) on instagram or is it reserved for hers?

You presumably were ok with him going to the wedding and he went with your blessing so I don't agree with people that are saying he is BU for going in the first place.

I also agree that people do dance with whoever at weddings and look happy. Were there lots of others around them on the dance floor?

Would anyone really put photos up of a married man flirting heavily or doing anything untoward with someone else on a public platform if there was more to it?

If I am going to be kind and he's a decent hands on parent at home then I would say he just enjoyed letting his hair down / dancing/ having a good time with his friends and a night away from the stress of having a new baby and a toddler. You also deserve the same when the time feels right and would hopefully enjoy the break too.

However I do also think you should sit down and have a proper conversation with him just to clear things and so that you can get some reassurance.

Don't make a passing comment or ask a question when you are both busy doing something else. Just tell him what you have said here and describe how you are feeling about it. You hopefully know him well enough to gauge his reaction and if he can provide the reassurance you need.

I also know how tricky it is to find that time given the DCs ages! I hope you get the reassurance you need.

Thinking about it some more.

It's feasible that the groom shared the photo online to give OP a heads up.

There's also the fact that he said he hadn't been in contact with the OW, but had in fact gone on FB/Insta and liked all the OW selfies while OP was pregnant.

And that he should have been at home with his 6 week old baby, wife and toddler.

And that his wife, who knows him quite well, said he was beaming at the OW and they looked like a very happy couple in the photograph.

I think the best case scenario is that he flirted with her and made you (as another poster said) an object of gossip and pity.

You refuse to accept that some people may think or feel differently from you? You’ve lived a very sheltered existence haven’t you? The OP is upset. By all means, have your own opinion but it’s not for you to invalidate her feelings just because you wouldn’t feel the same.

I went to an event once with a sort-of friend, knew each other from a group but not that well, and he needed someone to take to make up numbers. We had got increasingly annoyed with each other by the end of the event, and were getting through the end of it with slightly gritted teeth.

There was a photographer there ,and one of the photos of us ended up in a national newspaper to accompany an article, because it looked like a lovely photo of a happy couple looking at each other adoringly about to have a kiss. It became a bit of a stock photo for this event for future years as well as a result. We were not a couple, not about to kiss, and not happy - I was royally pissed off with him by that point and he may have felt similar about me

Yes, he could have been flirting with her, but lots else could have been going on as well. I wouldn't take one photo as proof of anything. If there are other reasons to distrust him, by all means have a conversation. If you didn't want him to go in the first place and he went anyway, have a conversation. But people can read so so much into photos that are actually nothing like people think. You see news articles where people make up entire stories about someone's body language or expressions captured at a single moment, and they really don't know what is happening in reality. It might be something, but it could also be just how the photo turned out.

If surrounded by people who know he’s married I would think that would be a check on any dodgy behaviour. So I’d be surprised if anything really happened. But agree with others he should be home looking after his family.

Assuming that neither of you were in a relationship and it didn’t cause any problems, this actually sounds quite funny.

How did you feel seeing the photos afterwards?

Absolutely this.
Word for word.

I'm sure nothing actually happened or you wouldn't know about the photo.

But I've experienced this feeling. Not only is it the stab to the heart that he's looking at another woman like that, it's how it makes you feel about yourself- at home weepy, milky and pathetic (in your mind, not reality). Not nice at all.

Your feelings really matter and the only way to feel better about this is to talk to him. Tell him the picture made you feel sad and take it from there.

He went away for the weekend when you have a 6 week old and a toddler?

this is very selfish indeed of him

The camera never lies - but the camera also never catches context. At all. For example, there’s a photo of me at my own wedding. I’m dancing with the son of a family friend who had stepped in at the last minute to bring his mum as his dad had been taken ill the day before. I made a point of asking him to dance as I wanted him to feel welcome; it was really nice of him to step in and bring his mum and I didn’t want him to feel at all unwelcome (if you see what I mean). And, totally by chance, the photographer, whose brief was to take natural, reportage style snaps, got a shot of the two of us. Mid dance. Holding hands. A stranger could have looked at that photo and thought “looking into each others eyes and smiling - he looks like the groom”. But that snap was a split second out of a completely different interaction….. Could easily be the same in your case. Try not to jump to too many conclusions based on what you’ve seen in a photo. You too have seen a split second, out of context. Maybe she’d asked him to dance and he didn’t want to appear rude by refusing. Maybe there was a much wider dancing group. And so on and so on. At most, I’d have a light hearted conversation about it (“ooh - look at you dancing!”) and see what he says.

I went to a wedding in June, OP. The photographer took hundreds and hundreds of pix and so did lots of people attending. Several people sent me photos the following week of me dancing and laughing with total strangers, smiling at them warmly, being twirled round on the dance floor looking thrilled... In one case someone wrongly identified me as one man's wife on SM and when I pointed out the mistake said 'Oh, the way you were looking at him I assumed you were his partner.' I'm not aware of having looked at him in any particular way: I was just listening to what he was saying.

I'm not saying you have no reason to be suspicious. I don't think he behaved well leaving you at home to cope with a newborn and a toddler while he had fun. But I really wouldn't go reading too much into a photo.

Understand that this has left you feeling insecure. You have a new baby and a lot of changes and feelings come with that, it's a vulnerable time.

I don't think your husband has done anything wrong. He knows her, he likes her...he might even fancy her a little bit...but none of that indicates any wrongdoing on his part. They danced at a wedding and that is all. Enjoying yourself and connecting with people at a wedding is par for the course. As is dancing.

It's not a hill to die on but do talk to him. Not about what he 'did' but how you are feeling. You will feel better for it.

Also, the camera does lie...it absolutely lies. As others have pointed out, a snapshot isn't representative of anything.

Tbh I cannot believe your DP went to a friend’s wedding overseas when you had a six week old and a toddler. My DH wouldn’t have even gone for a night at the pub in this situation.

I don’t think this is “proof” of anything, but with the selfies etc, I’d be keeping my eyes and ears open for anything inappropriate in the future.

Trust is so important in a relationship. Trust it’s all above board, until you have reason not to. Have a non accusing conversation about how it’s made you feel and what it looks like. See what he says.