To feel uncomfortable with this man?

[PuzzleMix]

I have a large, rare breed of dog which often gets other dog owners chatting to me and l have made friends with some of these people.

One guy l say hi to (him and his dog) - let's call him Tom. He's a pretty private person but he's opened up a couple of times about being a carer for his sick sister, struggling with his mental health and that his partner has recently split up with him. I have suffered with my mental health too as well as having several family members who struggle so l said if he ever fancied a chat we could go for a dog walk and a coffee.

He's met my DH when we are both with the dog, I'm happily married (as he knows) and meant this as a completely platonic thing.

So we met last week. I met him with my dog outside his house and we started setting off when Tom said he wanted to quickly show me his house and meet his sister. In my head l was thinking 'no' but as l was put on the spot l couldn't think how to politely decline, so l went in. My dog is very large so l didn’t feel scared but l did a feel a little uncomfortable. Anyway, l said hi to his sister and then Tom showed me he had coffee in the house and asked if l wanted to have one there in the kitchen. I said no because l needed to walk the dog and l then had to take a work call, so l didnt have time (which was all true but l also felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to sit in his house when the plan was a dog walk.) It all felt way too familiar and intimate when l really don't know Tom well at all. He said "next time" and l ignored this.

We left and walked the dogs. Stopped for a coffee and had a chat which was ok, he seems like a nice guy. There were a few things Tom said which again l felt a bit weird about - saying he'd have to cook for me one day and l can pay for the coffees next time, and a few times l felt he was looking at me a bit too long but maybe l was imagining it. He also said it was so nice talking to me and he felt a lot better about things, including his partner splitting up with him. Again this could be completely innocent. I made sure to mention my DH as much as possible and my DH knows all about me meeting him.

I told Tom about an activity l was doing the next day, he wished me good luck with it and then we both went our separate ways.

The next day he messaged me at 7am saying good luck with my activity again. I simply said thanks, and got on with my day.

The following day l woke and saw Tom had texted me at 1am(!) asking how the activity had gone. This made me feel weird...why is he thinking about me at that time of the day?! And it wasn't a particularly interesting thing l was doing - he could have just asked me next time we bumped into eachother.

I waited until that afternoon to reply and just said 'fine thanks'.

That was a few days ago but every time I've checked my messages, l have been worried what if there's another one from him. I live in a small place so will bump into Tom at any time and l now feel worried about this whenever l take the dog out. I'm starting to wish l had never suggested going for a coffee and wondering if l am too friendly for my own good! I dont know if l have given him the wrong idea or am l reading far too much into this?!

Thanks @pictoosh and @MarkWithaC. Glad there are some normal, rational people around here!

I'm afraid to say but this is exactly why I wont befriend random men. I have done the same as you in the past OP and it has always turned out horribly. I always used to feel sorry for them and despite me having a husband/kids and mentioning them all the time and never saying anything that could be remotely misinterpreted, they always seem to read sexual interest into our platonic conversations and became creepy over time.

This is why it also makes me rage on MN when this scenario happens and people do the "be kind- they're just lonely" garbage. If people are truly lonely then they wont only target women for company but yet this always seems to happen. It's always women they seem to seek out to relieve their "loneliness" and to me that makes it very obvious it's not just platonic company they seek.

Listen to your instincts and shut this down. Dont ever give your phone number out to anyone you dont know very, very well. It always ends badly (as I have experienced- I ended up having to block them).

Couldn't happen if you were more careful with your phone number!

Apologies. No victim blaming I promise - don't mean it to come across that way.

If you didn’t want to become a full on friend (and I understand why you wouldn’t), why on earth did you give him your phone number? As someone else’s advised, start taking your husband with you on these walks and gradually cool with him. You need to be gentle, as you are at least partly responsible for his misunderstanding and given his mental health problems and caring responsibilities. Be kind, but distance yourself a little.

Phone numbers were exchanged to arrange meeting for a coffee. This happened before we met for the coffee (obviously!) and all the weird stuff hadn't happened at this point.

This is different to meeting up, feeling uncomfortable, having a chat with Tom, and then saying, "Hey, here's my number." Which l do agree looks more of an invitation to be friends.

Just wanted to say I think you tried to do a kind thing and this man has completely overstepped. For people saying that he's just lonely it's strange that these men never carry on the same way with other men. You feel uncomfortable and that's all that matters. His feelings are not your responsibility. I personally wouldn't even slow fade now as that's still engaging with him and giving him some level of interest. I'd seriously just stick to good morning and keep on walking. Also block his number.

I had a similar situation with a female neighbor where I started helping with her dog. She became an absolute pest texting and phoning constantly and I couldn't leave my house without her running out to talk to me. Long story short I don't even look at her now. Yes that may seem hard or cruel but I get to come home from work and go straight into my house without having to stand and listen to absolute shite for 20 minutes first.

Hope you work it out😊

I get it. I wouldn’t exchange numbers under those circumstances though. For me, that’s too familiar and I think that’s where the misunderstanding came from. Also why meet an acquaintance for a coffee, rather than simply in the park at an approximate time for the dog walk. I’m long in the tooth though, so maybe what I’d do now and what I might have done in my 20s are different. I’m not certain.

Phone numbers were exchanged to arrange meeting for a coffee. This happened before we met for the coffee (obviously!) and all the weird stuff hadn't happened at this point

I also get it- you were being friendly and had no clue this would happen. I was the same but its experiences like this that have made me super careful now and I expect this will make you much more wary going forward.

Its a shame because you should be able to give people your number without them becoming weird or texting you at 1am (which is absolutely inappropriate- it doesnt matter if he's a carer or up at night, he surely has the sense to realise that most people are asleep at that time, you dont have to be a scientist to work that one out!). It's way too much for someone you know as a mere casual acquaintance.

When my sister was younger, she had a Saturday job in a little gift shop. Every week a man used to call in, buy small items and eventually started to chat to her. He disclosed he had severe depression and mental health issues and she felt sorry for him as he seemed very lonely. He was a lot older than her and she never imagined he was viewing her friendliness in another way. It got to the stage where she'd make him a coffee and have a chat (it was a very relaxed "Hippy Boho" type shop). However, one day, when the shop was empty, he came behind the counter and attacked her

A similar thing happened to me. I wasnt attacked thankfully, but I was working in a convenience store when I was 19 and a student. A man in his late 40s used to come in to get shopping, started making conversation with me and told me all about his mental health issues. I was polite and friendly but never did or said anything to make him think I was interested.TBH it never even crossed my mind as he was old enough to be my dad so it never even occurred to me he'd think anything of it. I felt sorry for him because he seemed lonely and we would talk about psychology (which is what I was studying). Then he started inviting me to his house for a meal to "discuss psychology" and I politely declined. Then he started hanging around the shop every time I was on shift trying to talk to me (but not buying anything).

It started making me super uncomfortable so they took me off the till and on the shelves but then he would still come in and try to talk to me whilst I was working. One night in the winter when it was dark, I had finished my shift and was leaving the shop (about 10pm) and he waiting for me outside. It terrified the life out of me and he kept coming really close to me, touching my arm and saying "how about that meal now? I only live round the corner, we can discuss your course". Thankfully my dad arrived to pick me up in the car but it seriously freaked me out and I was really quite scared. My dad is a big guy and asked him what the heck he was doing approaching me. I never saw him ever again.

That incident stayed with me and it has made me extremely cautious about ever trying to #bekind to men because you simply never know how people are going to interpret it. No matter how platonically you act, some men will always just see what they want to see.

I get that he’s a carer and he’s lonely.
But he’s also recently had a romantic partner so he’s not wet behind the ears.
I am sorry but as I get older I’m far more measured. As women we are conditioned to be nice, friendly and polite.
(Apologies to anyone who hasn’t been conditioned to be like that but in my age group that was the norm!)
At 1 am he knows you are in bed sleeping next to your husband.
He is out of order and being creepy.
I would return to the previous state of being friendly in public. You don’t have to give an explanation.
A lot of these situations come to no harm but I have now reached a stage where too many timex over the years, when talking to friends, these situations end up where the woman involved ends up feeling in danger.
It is really sad for him he had behaved in this way but I think he’s pushing his luck.
Call me cynical…..

Wow this is awful! Glad you are ok and thank god for your Dad!

When l was in my late teens l worked on a supermarket checkout and one of my customers said he was a photographer and would "love to take some photos of me". He was in his 50s.

@PuzzleMix

Thank you- I dont think he would have got violent (but then, I just dont know) but it does illustrate how you can be behaving perfectly politely with no agenda and someone will wilfully misinterpret it.

I think someone may have suggested the book "the gift of fear" already but it's a great book about listening to your instincts (eg you said your instinct said no to going to his house). NEVER ignore that inner voice x

Thanks to all who said this would make me more cautious in future - definitely. I'm not that young - in my mid forties - this probably made me think he wouldn't be interested in me romantically. He's probably a bit older, late 40s early 50s.

Anyway, lesson learned! Also haven't heard anything from Tom so l think he has got the message.

I won't ever do that again. Don't know what the hell l was thinking but guess l felt safer as my dog was with me.

NEVER again!

@lightrage So sorry this happened to you, you must have been absolutely terrified. Thank goodness your dad appeared. Also, OP, I know you've been criticised for giving him your number (I think I even said you shouldn't have given it to him on an earlier post) but, thinking about it, if he'd been a woman, no one would have criticised you for it. I often see threads on here where people ask how you can make friends in later life and how on earth would you, if you never trusted anyone you meet? I think the main thing it boils down to is that he's a man and sadly, some men will read a lot more into a situation where a woman is just being kind/friendly towards them.

This thread reminds me of when I was 19...I used to have a temp job and get the bus there every day. A very elderly man used to sit next to me and talk to me. I was always very polite and didn't want to be rude to him. He used to constantly tell me he was lonely and wanted to be my friend. I remember feeling really really guilty that I didn't want to be friends with him. Looking back I think wtf, why on earth didn't he sit and chat to one of the other elderly men on the bus if he wanted to make friends with someone. Why choose a teenage girl.

Looking back I think wtf, why on earth didn't he sit and chat to one of the other elderly men on the bus if he wanted to make friends with someone. Why choose a teenage girl

Bingo! It's not about loneliness at all. There were men in their 20s and 40s who also worked in the shop I mentioned above. That guy never once tried to start a convo with any of them. Not even once.

Loneliness is just an excuse to perv on younger women.

A big dog is a great bodyguard. I have one too. How does your dog react to him. They have good instincts.

Malcolm Gladwell writes about this is one of his books (can't remember which one of the top of my head). He makes the point that our dogs are in fact picking up on our own behavior and how we react to someone/something. So if we are warm and friendly with someone our dogs read our behavior as this person is fine there is nothing to worry about. But if we are unsure about someone, even if it's that little voice in the back of our head or the visceral feeling we can't explain our dogs can sense this much better than we can and that's what they're reacting to.

*Doesn't explain my 12 year old terrier going mental at the Amazon man but I definitely think there's something in it.

Fascinating that all these lonely men with poor mental health never find other blokes to latch onto isn’t it?

Not really if you take into consideration toxic masculinity, the reluctance to talk about feelings, appearing weak, less than , less of a man etc.

Can't say men are exactly renowned for their caring, supportive attitudes and abilities.

I think that will be right, but my experiences over the years lead me to believe that they also react to ‘a wrong un’! I was walking along with my current girl and a pleasant looking couple was coming toward us on the path. I thought nothing of them at all, but my Weimaraner really didn’t like the guy at all. She barked at him in ‘a meaningful’ way. I actually apologised to him, saying it was out of character. I thought about it later, realising that since it was out of character, she was probably on to something!

Then why not talk to women their own ages? are you really suggesting the only option for company for a 50-80 year old men is a 19 year old woman?

There are plenty of elderly lonely women or widows etc - why not talk to them? The fact that so many of these encounters turn into sexual expectations with much younger women is pretty obvious that its not just their "feelings" they want to expose.....

The OP is in her 40s