To feel uncomfortable with this man?

[PuzzleMix]

I have a large, rare breed of dog which often gets other dog owners chatting to me and l have made friends with some of these people.

One guy l say hi to (him and his dog) - let's call him Tom. He's a pretty private person but he's opened up a couple of times about being a carer for his sick sister, struggling with his mental health and that his partner has recently split up with him. I have suffered with my mental health too as well as having several family members who struggle so l said if he ever fancied a chat we could go for a dog walk and a coffee.

He's met my DH when we are both with the dog, I'm happily married (as he knows) and meant this as a completely platonic thing.

So we met last week. I met him with my dog outside his house and we started setting off when Tom said he wanted to quickly show me his house and meet his sister. In my head l was thinking 'no' but as l was put on the spot l couldn't think how to politely decline, so l went in. My dog is very large so l didn’t feel scared but l did a feel a little uncomfortable. Anyway, l said hi to his sister and then Tom showed me he had coffee in the house and asked if l wanted to have one there in the kitchen. I said no because l needed to walk the dog and l then had to take a work call, so l didnt have time (which was all true but l also felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to sit in his house when the plan was a dog walk.) It all felt way too familiar and intimate when l really don't know Tom well at all. He said "next time" and l ignored this.

We left and walked the dogs. Stopped for a coffee and had a chat which was ok, he seems like a nice guy. There were a few things Tom said which again l felt a bit weird about - saying he'd have to cook for me one day and l can pay for the coffees next time, and a few times l felt he was looking at me a bit too long but maybe l was imagining it. He also said it was so nice talking to me and he felt a lot better about things, including his partner splitting up with him. Again this could be completely innocent. I made sure to mention my DH as much as possible and my DH knows all about me meeting him.

I told Tom about an activity l was doing the next day, he wished me good luck with it and then we both went our separate ways.

The next day he messaged me at 7am saying good luck with my activity again. I simply said thanks, and got on with my day.

The following day l woke and saw Tom had texted me at 1am(!) asking how the activity had gone. This made me feel weird...why is he thinking about me at that time of the day?! And it wasn't a particularly interesting thing l was doing - he could have just asked me next time we bumped into eachother.

I waited until that afternoon to reply and just said 'fine thanks'.

That was a few days ago but every time I've checked my messages, l have been worried what if there's another one from him. I live in a small place so will bump into Tom at any time and l now feel worried about this whenever l take the dog out. I'm starting to wish l had never suggested going for a coffee and wondering if l am too friendly for my own good! I dont know if l have given him the wrong idea or am l reading far too much into this?!

I agree with the poster who said he sounds lonely and has latched on to your kindness. I also think he hoped you'd come in for coffee as it would save him the money.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but equally I don't think he has either. You offered to go for a walk and a coffee with him and he's just taken you up on it.

I feel for you, OP, it’s so difficult to judge someone’s intentions. On one hand, maybe because he’s so close with his sister and spends a lot of time with her, he is more comfortable around women than men and it is completely platonic. You’ve done absolutely nothing to give him the impression that you’re interested.

But at the same time you shouldn’t carry on spending time with him if it makes you uncomfortable for any reason. And if that pisses him off, he’s not a nice person anyway.

Thank you @EngineEngineNumber9 it is hard to judge and could be completely innocent/platonic. It's annoying as women we have to think like this.

I have lots of dog walking acquaintances/friends who l occasionally go for a coffee with and we all have eachothers numbers, but it doesn't mean we are close friends or anything. We only get in contact to arrange meeting up really, and l saw Tom as another friend like this, and that's the only reason l gave him my number.

The fact he was texting me in the early hours set off a few alarm bells - l feel he has overstepped the line - which means l now feel uncomfortable.

I'm going to distance myself and walk different times/routes or with my DH to give myself a bit of space.

Listen to your gut ❤️

I did specify a cafe and he isn't short of cash. He prefers a different type of coffee which isn't served in regular cafes - more of a coffee snob than a man trying to save money. But l didn't feel comfortable - it felt too intimate. I think even if he had been a woman l wouldn't have had coffee in the flat. Just feels a bit too familiar to me when l don't know someone well.

We are not strangers - have been saying hi with our dogs for about a year.

As for setting him up for a fall, l'm wondering why you say that? l have many dog walking friends who l go for coffee with occasionally, or sometimes l've done it once and then not again. I don't think offering to have a coffee with someone commits you to having a close friendship, or doing it on a regular basis.

The fact that l feel uncomfortable is the gut feeling that l need to listen to.

Oh please, he’s texting her at 1am, it’s completely inappropriate.

OP, don’t listen to all the emotional guilt tripping, yes maybe he’s lonely, or maybe he’s just a creep, they’re hardly rare. Either way he’s a grown man and has made you uncomfortable, you need to put yourself first.

Invest in some big headphones.. Next time tell him you have a podcast on but will catch up another time...

I say lonely too.

Also and dont jump on me the rest of you Sometimes when autistic people make a friend they oversteer a bit as they can't read the boundaries and get a bit suffocating. This is not meant badly. It's just means they like you. My daughter is autistic. She doesn't do this but many of my friends with autistic children do it. It can be a bit scary for those on the receiving end.

Anyway whatever the reason please treat him with kindness but if you feel uncomfortable then step back a little and be more assertive. Doesn't mean you can't see him. But it's upto you to place boundaries.

Because YOU reached out a hand of friendship with a random stranger. Recognising someone from dog walking does not make a friend.

He prefers the coffee he makes so asked you in, that's not weird, he probably didn't think anything of it.

If you don't want him to be a friend, that's absolutely fine, but then don't start asking him for coffee and a chat. You're sending mixed messages. Just go back to a polite wave and think more carefully before offering friendship again.

It doesn't really matter that he might be lonely etc, he's overstepped a boundary. What matters is that you feel uncomfortable. Listen to that and act accordingly.

I don’t think he is creepy (just read your first message) he’s just lonely. He probably feels that as you’re married that you’re safe to be friends with as his intentions won’t be misconstrued. Poor guy. You’re totally ok to let him know your boundaries in the friendship

This

I think he's lonely and probably lacking in social skills a bit.

You were meeting for coffee and a chat. That's exactly what he offered. I wouldn't read anything in to offering coffee at his home.

Did he pay for the coffees you had? You mentioned he said you could pay for the coffees next time. I think you should have each bought your own but if he paid I'd say he's trying to keep things platonic by saying you can take turns paying going forward.

Does he work? Being a carer is pretty lonely at times. Being up at 1am when you care for someone with health issues is sadly pretty normal in a lot if cases. It's also a pretty lonely time to be wide awake.

It's upto you what you do but I don't see that he's done anything wrong other than grabbed at a friendship opportunity quite keenly. There's no reason not to keep chatting to him or going for coffee now and then. Just make sure you're not always available so that it stays as an occasional thing not a weekly event, if you don't want it to become a routine.

It seems clear that he has misinterpreted your intentions. Asking him for coffee was probably a big thing for him bearing in mind his personal circumstances. You need to pull back and draw new boundaries.

Oh dear. I have a friend like this, she's very empathetic and smiley, and all sorts of waifs and strays are attracted to her. It starts off with 'oh she's lonely so I said let's go for a bike ride' then it ends with 'omg I'm so drained by this person and now they want me to go on a day trip to East Kilbride but I'm sooo busy'.

Rinse and repeat, year after year. It's tough because you don't want to turn your back on a needy person but the problem is... they're needy.

No good deeds go unpunished.. He made you feel uncomfortable- listen to your gut instinct. He is pushing your boundaries.

I'd feel a bit cornered as well.

He isn’t your problem, your own boundaries are your problem.

Any gut feeling needs to be listened to. It’s a shame he is lonely, what’s happening would not be great if it was a woman either but there is the added issue he is a male.

The fact that you’re married means nothing, plenty of people have affairs, sadly, so he won’t necessarily be thinking it’s purely platonic just because he knows you’re married.

IME a certain type of man would only talk to you, help you, hold the door for you etc if they fancy you. Women they don’t find attractive are literally invisible to them. If someone pays them attention or gives them the slightest bit of attention they can only interpret it as being because the woman fancies them. They can’t imagine a world in which you pay them any attention or help them in any way unless you want to shag them.

I’d wager that this is what’s happened here. He’s taken your gesture of kindness as a come on.

You mentioned that he’s a coffee snob - it might just be that he doesn’t want to spend £3 on a shit coffee if he has good stuff at home. But equally the rest of it does just sound like he’s got a crush and is happy to have the flutters of a new burgeoning relationship (in his mind) to distract from his break up.
Lesson learned, being kind to men is not the same as being kind to women.

Note to add: not all men etc

Did he pay for the coffees you had? You mentioned he said you could pay for the coffees next time. I think you should have each bought your own but if he paid I'd say he's trying to keep things platonic by saying you can take turns paying going forward..

nope, that’s classic “pin down the next date” behaviour!

Whatever coffee he prefers, the OP's already said she specified a cafe
She didn't 'ask him for coffee and a chat', she offered it if he wanted to, as a bit of friendly support.

I think he is lonely and probably fancies you, OP, and has poor boundaries/judgement partially because of this. And I'd feel weird about it even if he were a woman, TBH (I have had a similar thing with a woman, who didn't fancy me but was clearly lonely and needy).

I don't think you need to avoid walking the dog or change routes or anything. If you want to, I think you could still say yes to the occasional coffee and chat out in public if he asks, and be friendly when you see him, but be firm in staying a little bit removed.

She may well have said cafe, but he probably didn't think anything of asking her in for a coffee, and it isn't like he was alone, his sister was present too 🤨🤨

She said no, he accepted it. No harm done.

There's no indication he fancies her at all. More that he lacks social etiquette with the texting at all hours.

He isn't a random stranger - we have said hello, chatted about our dogs, the weather, small snippets about our lives over the last year or so when bumping into eachother on dog walks.

I class a 'random stranger' as someone l have never seen in my life before.

Anyone who has a dog knows how lots of people get chatting to you if they also have a dog.

He was trying it on inviting her in for coffee when they'd agreed a cafe. And sister present or not, being in someone's house is not the same as being out.

I said he 'probably' fancies her, but I'm open to the possibility that he doesn't. Yes, I agree, he lacks a feeling for social etiquette. But texting with such solicitude about something they could have talked about casually when they next bumped into each other is not just about etiquette; it's a lack of awareness of boundaries and the extent and nature of their relationship.

Lots of men see ordinary friendliness as a come on. I wouldn't bother spending any more time with him.