To feel uncomfortable with this man?

[PuzzleMix]

I have a large, rare breed of dog which often gets other dog owners chatting to me and l have made friends with some of these people.

One guy l say hi to (him and his dog) - let's call him Tom. He's a pretty private person but he's opened up a couple of times about being a carer for his sick sister, struggling with his mental health and that his partner has recently split up with him. I have suffered with my mental health too as well as having several family members who struggle so l said if he ever fancied a chat we could go for a dog walk and a coffee.

He's met my DH when we are both with the dog, I'm happily married (as he knows) and meant this as a completely platonic thing.

So we met last week. I met him with my dog outside his house and we started setting off when Tom said he wanted to quickly show me his house and meet his sister. In my head l was thinking 'no' but as l was put on the spot l couldn't think how to politely decline, so l went in. My dog is very large so l didn’t feel scared but l did a feel a little uncomfortable. Anyway, l said hi to his sister and then Tom showed me he had coffee in the house and asked if l wanted to have one there in the kitchen. I said no because l needed to walk the dog and l then had to take a work call, so l didnt have time (which was all true but l also felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to sit in his house when the plan was a dog walk.) It all felt way too familiar and intimate when l really don't know Tom well at all. He said "next time" and l ignored this.

We left and walked the dogs. Stopped for a coffee and had a chat which was ok, he seems like a nice guy. There were a few things Tom said which again l felt a bit weird about - saying he'd have to cook for me one day and l can pay for the coffees next time, and a few times l felt he was looking at me a bit too long but maybe l was imagining it. He also said it was so nice talking to me and he felt a lot better about things, including his partner splitting up with him. Again this could be completely innocent. I made sure to mention my DH as much as possible and my DH knows all about me meeting him.

I told Tom about an activity l was doing the next day, he wished me good luck with it and then we both went our separate ways.

The next day he messaged me at 7am saying good luck with my activity again. I simply said thanks, and got on with my day.

The following day l woke and saw Tom had texted me at 1am(!) asking how the activity had gone. This made me feel weird...why is he thinking about me at that time of the day?! And it wasn't a particularly interesting thing l was doing - he could have just asked me next time we bumped into eachother.

I waited until that afternoon to reply and just said 'fine thanks'.

That was a few days ago but every time I've checked my messages, l have been worried what if there's another one from him. I live in a small place so will bump into Tom at any time and l now feel worried about this whenever l take the dog out. I'm starting to wish l had never suggested going for a coffee and wondering if l am too friendly for my own good! I dont know if l have given him the wrong idea or am l reading far too much into this?!

Not everyone is perfect, someone who's isolated with caring responsibilities is likely a little rusty with socialising. I think OP has made many assumptions which are likely untrue. Asking someone in for coffee, and accepting when they decline, is hardly a crime and certainly doesn't mean they fancy her! He knows she has a husband.

She offered friendship and has realised she doesn't want it with this man. That's fine, but I hope she withdraws gently.

You intended a casual acquaintance with this man. Unfortunately he misunderstood your intentions. He really should not have but he did.
Some men cannot view friendship with women in a platonic way.
I guess he was testing your boundaries by inviting you into his house and texting you late at night.
If I were you I would avoid any further contact with him.
In future if someone starts to share very personal information with you at a very early stage in your acquaintance do take care. They made need a lot more than you are prepared to offer. I have only learned this by experience and like you have had my fingers burned on occasion.
However all that being said you sound like you have a kind heart and are very well intentioned. Do not let the negative comments on here upset you. What you intended originally was very well meant. It’s unfortunate the man either accidentally or wilfully misinterpreted them.

I didn't say I thought people had to be perfect Nor did I suggest he was doing anything approaching criminal.

I'll say it again: I think he probably fancies her, but I'm open to the possibility that he doesn't. I will say that for me, from life experience, this sort of behaviour often means a man fancies you. Others on here are saying the same from their ow experience. Either way, there are issues here with boundaries and yes, with socialising/social etiquette.
The OP offered 'friendship' in the sense of a sympathetic ear and some casual company. Not the kind of friendship where he messages her about fairly inconsequential things with frequency and at unsociable hours (and yes I realise that as a carer, or just out of his own personal preference and habit, he might be OK with messaging at those times; but most people realise that they are generally considered unsociable hours).

You seem very keen to criticise the OP for this situation, and are very keen on her taking full responsibility for his feelings (withdrawing gently), but it takes two; this man, whether innocently or not, is causing a situation where she may have to back off a bit, or completely withdraw her offer of a bit of sympathetic company.

Thank you. I'm just a friendly, open person but l am now realising that's not always a good thing.

Thank you for your comments @MarkWithaC l don't know if he fancies me or not - it has crossed my mind though and l don't want to encourage that. The last thing l want is Tom making a move on me or declaring his love for me. This may not happen of course, but sadly we have to consider a man's intentions as women.

Not sure why I'm getting most of the blame. I think a grown man should realise texting a married woman at unsocial hours and saying he could cook for me (with no mention of inviting my DH) is all a bit weird!

I agree, it all seems to be considered your fault/responsibility.
And even if he is acting in all innocence, for whatever reasons of health/circumstances, it's still not your job by default to manage the whole thing.

He fancies you OP. He doesn’t care that you’re married and probably hoped you didn’t care either. Sounds like he has stopped texting you now though so maybe he has got the hint.

I think @MmedeGouge has summed it up perfectly. You were being kind offering the hand of friendship but he's obviously taken it as meaning something totally different. This is where you have to be so very careful, don't offer to go for coffee with men you hardly know, especially men who have disclosed mental health problems to you and definitely don't give them your phone number, why did he even need it? Unfortunately, he's obviously taken that as encouragement. Sadly, you are leaving yourself wide open to this kind of behaviour. I am not criticising you in any way, you sound like a lovely caring person, it's other people who can misinterpret your actions. When my sister was younger, she had a Saturday job in a little gift shop. Every week a man used to call in, buy small items and eventually started to chat to her. He disclosed he had severe depression and mental health issues and she felt sorry for him as he seemed very lonely. He was a lot older than her and she never imagined he was viewing her friendliness in another way. It got to the stage where she'd make him a coffee and have a chat (it was a very relaxed "Hippy Boho" type shop). However, one day, when the shop was empty, he came behind the counter and attacked her, he said later that he thought she'd fancied him as she was so friendly. You have to distance yourself from this man, keep it to a brief hello if you see him, don't stop and chat and block him on your phone, the fact that he's messaging you so late at night is very worrying.

YOu need to read the book the Gift of Fear

People here minimise your instincts - it's absolutely vital that anything that happened that 'rang slightly odd' with you you listen to.

and yep no grown man should text a woman at 1am who he is not in a relationship with. Absolutely nothing to do with the OP 'showing signs of friendliness'. Just inappropriate and boundary crossing.

To the poster above I'm so sorry your sister was attacked - obvoiusly that had nothing to do with her being friendly - he was just a vile abusive piece of shit. He could have attacked someone who was unfriendly too.

Your poor sister. Hope she is OK now.

This reminds me of an incident when l was in my 20s of a man thinking something l thought was innocent was some sort of come on. On a coach journey, l was reading a newspaper. When l finished l asked the man sitting next to me if he wanted to read it (l was only going to throw it in the bin) He took it and thanked me...Next thing l know, he's got his hand on my thigh. I totally froze, couldnt believe what was happening, it was awful. I was so young and didn't know what to do. Wanted to shout but l was frozen. Can't even remember how l got out of it but he didnt do anything further and l practically ran home when l left the coach.

Some men are pigs

It's sad, that as women we have to be so careful that something as innocent (and kind) as offering a friendly, listening ear to a man who has disclosed his mental health struggles and loneliness, can be misinterpreted and lead to a situation where you now feel so uncomfortable on your dog walks. You have done nothing "wrong" and have nothing to feel guilty about, you didn't lead him on in any way. It's him that has got this situation totally wrong and is now testing your boundaries. I really hope he gets the message soon and you can enjoy your walks again, it's so damned annoying that you tried to do a nice thing and now your life has been made difficult.

NEVER question your gut when it's about a man. YANBU. You don't have to question the reasonability of a man making you unconfortable: no need for that. ALWAYS follow your gut. If you need to ask questions, do it after, never in lieu of following your gut.

@PuzzleMix My sister is OK now thanks, although she has never quite got over it and finds it hard to trust people. She is now very reserved, whereas I'll talk to anyone and she looks at me like I'm crazy if I talk to strangers in shops etc She is my older sister (10 years), yet I am very protective towards her and it's almost as if the roles are reversed and I'm the older one. That is absolutely awful about the man touching you after you offered him the paper. I hope you are OK, these things tend to affect you forever. Why do these men assume a simple act of kindness from a woman is a "come on"? I know it's not all men, but it's a sad world where you even have to think twice about smiling at a man, in case he takes it the wrong way!

So many men only bother conversing with women they find attractive. They therefore assume any woman who even passes the time of day with them must be interested in them romantically.... basically they judge women by their own standards. I used to experience this when I was younger at work...you'd say good morning and have a brief chat with a guy in the office and next thing you knew he'd be asking you out

He's probably lonely and socially awkward. Being a carer is very isolating, it's a bit like living in a parallel universe where the real world carries on without you and you are on the periphery looking in.

I'm sure being a carer is very isolating.

But isn't it funny how so many lonely men seem to want to form friendships with women rather than men? I mean he could have arranged to meet with the ops dh instead couldn't he?

He is a very private person but is able to open up to you. Ew. And offering to cook for you. I'd run a mile. He's taking advantage of your kindness.

Very good point.

Not sure why I'm getting most of the blame.

Because putting the boot in and finding blame with the OP whenever possible is the specialty of AIBU posters.

It is a good point. Tom has said hello a few times to my DH when he walks the dog but interestingly they have never had a conversation...

This nails it. They judge women by their own standards.

Ugh...this is depressing. I'd better stop talking to most men then! 😂

This ^
Trust your instincts they are there to protect you.