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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with this man?

133 replies

PuzzleMix · 28/09/2024 22:11

I have a large, rare breed of dog which often gets other dog owners chatting to me and l have made friends with some of these people.

One guy l say hi to (him and his dog) - let's call him Tom. He's a pretty private person but he's opened up a couple of times about being a carer for his sick sister, struggling with his mental health and that his partner has recently split up with him. I have suffered with my mental health too as well as having several family members who struggle so l said if he ever fancied a chat we could go for a dog walk and a coffee.

He's met my DH when we are both with the dog, I'm happily married (as he knows) and meant this as a completely platonic thing.

So we met last week. I met him with my dog outside his house and we started setting off when Tom said he wanted to quickly show me his house and meet his sister. In my head l was thinking 'no' but as l was put on the spot l couldn't think how to politely decline, so l went in. My dog is very large so l didn’t feel scared but l did a feel a little uncomfortable. Anyway, l said hi to his sister and then Tom showed me he had coffee in the house and asked if l wanted to have one there in the kitchen. I said no because l needed to walk the dog and l then had to take a work call, so l didnt have time (which was all true but l also felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to sit in his house when the plan was a dog walk.) It all felt way too familiar and intimate when l really don't know Tom well at all. He said "next time" and l ignored this.

We left and walked the dogs. Stopped for a coffee and had a chat which was ok, he seems like a nice guy. There were a few things Tom said which again l felt a bit weird about - saying he'd have to cook for me one day and l can pay for the coffees next time, and a few times l felt he was looking at me a bit too long but maybe l was imagining it. He also said it was so nice talking to me and he felt a lot better about things, including his partner splitting up with him. Again this could be completely innocent. I made sure to mention my DH as much as possible and my DH knows all about me meeting him.

I told Tom about an activity l was doing the next day, he wished me good luck with it and then we both went our separate ways.

The next day he messaged me at 7am saying good luck with my activity again. I simply said thanks, and got on with my day.

The following day l woke and saw Tom had texted me at 1am(!) asking how the activity had gone. This made me feel weird...why is he thinking about me at that time of the day?! And it wasn't a particularly interesting thing l was doing - he could have just asked me next time we bumped into eachother.

I waited until that afternoon to reply and just said 'fine thanks'.

That was a few days ago but every time I've checked my messages, l have been worried what if there's another one from him. I live in a small place so will bump into Tom at any time and l now feel worried about this whenever l take the dog out. I'm starting to wish l had never suggested going for a coffee and wondering if l am too friendly for my own good! I dont know if l have given him the wrong idea or am l reading far too much into this?!

OP posts:
Bananamanlovesyou · 03/10/2024 06:39

This is exactly why I avoid engaging strangers 😂. It was really kind of you to befriend him but personally I think if you don’t reverse pretty quickly you are going to be stuck with him

Dubuem · 03/10/2024 07:05

As he is a carer for his sick sister he likely doesn't follow the same regular 24hour routine of most of us so 1am/7am texting is thoughtless, but not partucularly creepy.
You seem quite trigger happy sharing your number with people you say are just acquaintances so maybe stop this.
His loneliness has meant this friendship means a lot to him. Keep it going but ease off. Dog walk amongst other people if poss and less as one to one. Take hubby along as much as possible.

SGANDRUE · 03/10/2024 07:46

I hate it when you've made plans with someone and they make you do something else at the last minute. It's controlling.
You can't fix broken, lonely people, even if you wanted to. I've tried and it's always gone badly. Why hasn't he found his own support groups or hobbies or meet up group etc?? It's all there waiting for him if can be bothered to look. The texting is a massive red flag. He fancies you. Avoid as much as you can.

Cece54 · 03/10/2024 08:05

Hmmmm... hard to tell with this one. I certainly wouldn't go back into his house though. For any reason. Even with the dog. Yes he's being friendly and he's undoubtedly lonely, but the night texts are overstepping. Sad to say but too many women have had experience of just being friendly taken as much more. And this guy is a prime candidate for this. His circumstances are sad, but they're not your problem. Definitely pull back. You're uncomfortable.... that's enough. I hope you don't dog walk in anywhere secluded either. What does your hubby think of it all ? Does he think it's iffy ??

aurynne · 03/10/2024 08:44

Over tens of thousands of years, women have perfectioned an instinct that warns them when a male could be dangerous, or bring trouble.

Please listen to it.

Wesel85 · 03/10/2024 09:45

The only thing I would not be happy about is the 1am texting and would have to say something regarding this, but as a carer for my late mum most people don't understand how very isolating it can be your social skills take a nose drive and you struggle to open up to people, just making friends with another person seems difficult these days.

If your uncomfortable with how he is coming across just because he is a man then be honesty and tell him, he maybe shocked by how you have reacted as he seems like he just wants a friend he can talk to which you offered....but now your withdrawing that offer without being honest with
Him

HectorPlasm · 03/10/2024 10:22

Why would you give a random your number?

Grey125 · 03/10/2024 11:26

It maybe that late night he got time to himself after looking after sister, forgot time and just assumed everyone has their phone on do not disturb setting at night. He sounds lonely which could make him a little over keen with having contact with someone. I would set out your boundaries though and say if you rather not use for chatting and only as contact about walks if late/not going etc.

Was his sister able to chat when you saw her as it maybe that he was trying to also give her some social contact. I can imagine if at home it's quite easy to fall into offering coffee while there and then dog walk. Men don't have the same worries about risks that women do so I doubt he even thought it maybe weird.

If you know a few dog walking people perhaps try to meet up with others in future and he can gain other friends. I think his reaction to this will also be telling. I do agree that sadly just being friendly to some men can be misread as potential interested even when there is no flirting and partnered.

wwjalme · 03/10/2024 11:31

Put a stop to this straightaway.

Even though we like to believe women can be platonic friends with men and that it can and does happen, I suspect most of the time men think that women starting a friendship with them like you have is because they are romantically interested. My platonic male friends are all people I have known since university or gay men.

Secondly, I think we really need to stop feeling sorry for lonely men with mental health issues and a sob story (in this case splitting with partner and the caring responsibilities). We are not there to fix men. You have to protect yourself in cases like this and very often this sort of thing leads to men latching on and becoming emotionally attached making it all the more difficult to end the "friendship" if the man oversteps the boundaries. (This would also apply to women too, it's not just a man thing).

If that sounds harsh, so be it. I've had too much experience of this sort of thing during my life and it's only in the last 8 years or so that I've woken up to the fact that I was regularly trying to help and rescue people at enormous cost to myself and having to extricate myself from difficult situations.

There's another thread at the moment about a man who latched onto the OP and quickly became a nuisance. OP doubting herself about blocking him and so on.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5179099-what-to-do-about-this-man?page=1

What to do about this man? | Mumsnet

Background: I have a long term partner, very happy with him. A few weeks ago I bumped into a man I last met many years ago. He remembered me but I d...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5179099-what-to-do-about-this-man?page=1

Original poster
PuzzleMix · 03/10/2024 13:12

wwjalme · 03/10/2024 11:31

Put a stop to this straightaway.

Even though we like to believe women can be platonic friends with men and that it can and does happen, I suspect most of the time men think that women starting a friendship with them like you have is because they are romantically interested. My platonic male friends are all people I have known since university or gay men.

Secondly, I think we really need to stop feeling sorry for lonely men with mental health issues and a sob story (in this case splitting with partner and the caring responsibilities). We are not there to fix men. You have to protect yourself in cases like this and very often this sort of thing leads to men latching on and becoming emotionally attached making it all the more difficult to end the "friendship" if the man oversteps the boundaries. (This would also apply to women too, it's not just a man thing).

If that sounds harsh, so be it. I've had too much experience of this sort of thing during my life and it's only in the last 8 years or so that I've woken up to the fact that I was regularly trying to help and rescue people at enormous cost to myself and having to extricate myself from difficult situations.

There's another thread at the moment about a man who latched onto the OP and quickly became a nuisance. OP doubting herself about blocking him and so on.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5179099-what-to-do-about-this-man?page=1

Wow, I've just read this other thread and this is EXACTLY what I don't want to happen. Scary!

OP posts:
Original poster
PuzzleMix · 03/10/2024 13:17

Cece54 · 03/10/2024 08:05

Hmmmm... hard to tell with this one. I certainly wouldn't go back into his house though. For any reason. Even with the dog. Yes he's being friendly and he's undoubtedly lonely, but the night texts are overstepping. Sad to say but too many women have had experience of just being friendly taken as much more. And this guy is a prime candidate for this. His circumstances are sad, but they're not your problem. Definitely pull back. You're uncomfortable.... that's enough. I hope you don't dog walk in anywhere secluded either. What does your hubby think of it all ? Does he think it's iffy ??

My DH is pretty easy going. He thinks I'm right to be wary but doesn't necessarily see it as weird as I do, though he thinks the 1am text was odd. He also thinks I'm worrying a bit too much about it. He has been doing dog walks with me when he can. The rest of the time I have been going out with a baseball cap and dark sunglasses on and walking routes that I know Tom doesn't go to, so that says all you need to know about how I'm feeling about it all!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PuzzleMix · 03/10/2024 13:23

HectorPlasm · 03/10/2024 10:22

Why would you give a random your number?

If you read all my responses you will see he is not a random stranger – I class that as somebody I have never seen before in my life. We have been saying hi for around a year and having small talk about our dogs. We exchanged numbers to arrange meeting for a coffee.

There's a hint of victim blaming to your question, and I'm not here for it!

The good thing is that he hasn't contacted me since, and I am hoping it stays that way. If we bump into each other I will be friendly, but if he pushes to meet up again I am going to be busy for the forseeable. I do genuinely have a lot going on in my life so it's not even a lie.

OP posts:
JackieGoodman · 03/10/2024 13:26

DSis is that you? Grin just kidding, pretty sure she doesn't use MN
But, this sort of thing happens to her too (and she has a dog). She is a friendly, confident woman, definitely sees the best in people and has had men occasionally misconstrue her friendliness as a come on.

"Tom" might not be doing that, but I strongly suspect he was.

Devon23 · 03/10/2024 14:29

No you're not being unreasonable trust your gut - dont meet again or take your hubby next time, make sure he gets the message.

beanii · 03/10/2024 14:29

This would freak me out too.

He's definitely treating it as though you're both single, which obviously you're not.

Walking the dogs together is totally different to meeting his sister and having a coffee at his house.

If I were you I'd completely cut contact, sounds harsh but if you see him I'd just carry on walking and say 'sorry, can't stop'. I'd also block his number - no reason he needs it.

All these people feeling sorry for him don't have to deal with him - if he's giving you freaky vibes - please listen to your gut instincts.

GingerPirate · 03/10/2024 14:55

somethinggotmestarted · 29/09/2024 08:15

Texting at 1am is not ok. Your phone was on silent, but what if it wasn't and he'd woken you and your husband?

I understand he's lonely, but this has the hallmarks of turning into something problematic. Take the advice others have offered and nip this in the bud.

This.
Being lonely is one thing, weird time texting and offloading too much is another.

MrsGtotheMax · 03/10/2024 17:25

DatingDinosaur · 28/09/2024 23:44

"I dont know if l have given him the wrong idea or am l reading far too much into this?!"

I don't think you've given him the wrong idea but I think he's latched on to your kindness and maybe developed a crush on you because of it.

Seeing as you'll see him around, if he suggests any one to one meetings, you could always say your DH was a bit uncomfortable with the last time when you told him about it so it would be best to keep it to group settings only.

This, absolutely.

1mabon · 03/10/2024 19:03

If you are uncomfortable, block him from your phone and change the direction of your walks, easy peasy.

PassingStranger · 03/10/2024 20:25

Stop.giving your phone number out, then nobody can text you at 1am in the morning.

Original poster
PuzzleMix · 03/10/2024 20:30

PassingStranger · 03/10/2024 20:25

Stop.giving your phone number out, then nobody can text you at 1am in the morning.

Yes it's all my fault 🙄

OP posts:
DinosaurMunch · 03/10/2024 20:45

He's coming on way too strong too soon and acting like you were on a date or something.
If you asked him for a walk and coffee it should have been just walk and coffee. Plus maybe one follow up text.
Inviting someone in, repeatedly texting at odd times, making remarks about cooking for you etc is too much. He's probably just desperate rather than dangerous, but you can't know for sure and anyway you can't give him what he wants.
I think you need to be fairly blunt with him if he does anything further - explicitly state what the limits are.

namechangetheworld · 03/10/2024 20:53

PuzzleMix · 03/10/2024 13:23

If you read all my responses you will see he is not a random stranger – I class that as somebody I have never seen before in my life. We have been saying hi for around a year and having small talk about our dogs. We exchanged numbers to arrange meeting for a coffee.

There's a hint of victim blaming to your question, and I'm not here for it!

The good thing is that he hasn't contacted me since, and I am hoping it stays that way. If we bump into each other I will be friendly, but if he pushes to meet up again I am going to be busy for the forseeable. I do genuinely have a lot going on in my life so it's not even a lie.

Show quote history

What exactly have you been a 'victim' of? A man offering to make you a coffee in his kitchen?

Original poster
PuzzleMix · 04/10/2024 02:42

namechangetheworld · 03/10/2024 20:53

What exactly have you been a 'victim' of? A man offering to make you a coffee in his kitchen?

Show quote history

😂l haven't been a victim, l just couldn't think of a better way of saying it!

But it is blaming me - woman exchanges numbers with man solely to arrange dog walk/coffee, woman then gets blamed for receiving a text at 1am, but man doesn't get blamed for being weird and inappropriate.

Yes, it's a very minor incident, but you could exchange for 'woman wears short skirt and walks home alone at midnight, woman gets assaulted, woman then gets blamed for being attacked because of her attire.'

I am not to blame just because l gave him my number.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 04/10/2024 06:38

I do agree with you on that OP. I read that post and thought it had an accusatory tone.
"Stop giving your number out"

What? Stop having normal exchanges with other people? What??

MarkWithaC · 04/10/2024 09:31

PuzzleMix · 04/10/2024 02:42

😂l haven't been a victim, l just couldn't think of a better way of saying it!

But it is blaming me - woman exchanges numbers with man solely to arrange dog walk/coffee, woman then gets blamed for receiving a text at 1am, but man doesn't get blamed for being weird and inappropriate.

Yes, it's a very minor incident, but you could exchange for 'woman wears short skirt and walks home alone at midnight, woman gets assaulted, woman then gets blamed for being attacked because of her attire.'

I am not to blame just because l gave him my number.

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more, OP.
namechangetheworld, I can only assume you're being disingenuous and that you do in fact know what the OP means in this context by 'victim blaming'.