WWYD? Friendship turning weird.

[ForLoveOrMoney]

Hi,

I've had a male friend for many years. Over the years he's ranged from an acquaintance to friend and back again but never anything more. Never sexual, intimate, etc. I am 27, he is 42. I am a lone parent who had my DC 8 weeks ago. (NOT HIS DC). We were no contact until about 4 months ago because he gets very aggressive and abusive when he drinks and I got really uncomfortable being dragged into situations where I was being bullied and gaslit.

Anyways, we somehow got back in touch about 4 months ago solely via text. We met up in person again about 6 weeks ago when I had a dip post birth and was feeling really isolated. He offered to take me for a curry and I accepted. Since then we've met a handful of times but things have started to get really uncomfortable again.

For example, he has started referencing my DC as "our DC", he constantly goes on about her dad even though he's not on the scene, has subtly made comments about my parenting and how I'm doing things wrong or I'm smothering my DC with contact naps and not letting them get used to crying by cuddling DC all the time. In conversation he made suggestions about activities for a next meetbut then said things like we'll you can't swim, etc so it will have to be a pretty basic activity day. Over facetime, I was feeding DC who has a slight tongue tie and was shouted at for not knowing how to feed DC because I had to keep repositioning the bottle until she got the suck right.

He's also become a handsy when we meet up which has made me clam up and need to restate my boundaries, last weekend there was brief but obvious touching of my leg, moving really close so he's basically on my lap, etc. I felt really uncomfortable made my excuses and left. I replayed it over and over, then sent a brief text at 2am because I couldn't sleep just saying I appreciate the friendship and that he's been there for me recently but I wanted to make it clear wasn't interested in a relationship or anything if that was somehow his interpretation as the behaviour from him was making me really on edge and uncomfortable. He read the message and didn't reply until today (8 days later) which said "Here man you fucking slag, have you enjoyed taking the fucking piss out of me."

He's now blocked on everything and I'm never going to engage with him again but it's really upset me and I'm scared of any repercussions.

Run. Stay Safe.

That's very worrying, make sure people know that he sent that message and his other behaviour. Never be afraid to look daft that you are feeling frightened, your instincts are telling you something is wrong.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. If you were using the chat sites you met him on for a few years until you were 18, and there is an age gap of 15 years between the two of you, then you were a child and he was very much a GROWN man the entire time he was talking to you on there. You may now be an adult but this sounds like someone who is very dodgy and has been for a long time. With all this accounted for, the sudden interest he had in getting back into contact with you upon realising you were pregnant/a new mum is alarming.

Do not blame yourself. You are a victim of what sounds like grooming who has now realised that this man is not your friend, and he hasn’t met baby so no harm has been caused there. Keep him blocked and consider some of the advice on this thread r.e reporting

There are so many alarm bells ringing about how this man met, makes contact, speaks to you and the vibes he gives off.

https://www.sarsas.org.uk/resources/online-abuse/

Please read up on Sarah’s Law @ForLoveOrMoney and the help pages linked to there. Familiarise yourself with online abuse etc and grow your confidence to take the right steps.

Op I've read all your updates and I would do a Claire's law check on him. (Where you ask the police to let you know if he's an already known dangerous man to them.) Google it and see if you think it would help you.

And please do go to the baby groups and put yourself out there. I had a baby at 23 so I know how lonely it can be. You've done nothing wrong.x

I think it was something you wrote. It just sounded geordie! I've sent you a PM just now with some details of a lovely supportive group. As PPs have suggested, it does sound like you're being stalked/harassed. I think you should speak to the police to get it on file. Think you can do it online with northumbria police. Do you have a ring doorbell? Might be a good idea. Good luck. Hope you stay safe x x

My relationship with my baby's dad is pretty much non existent, we split as soon as I found out I was pregnant and he's barely been in contact since (nothing since birth) as he doesn't want anything to do with DC. The split was motivated by me.

I definitely wasn't and am not interested in anything romantic at all with anyone, which is actually also referenced in my message to this guy last week when he made me uncomfortable with his handsyness. I'm very independent and it takes alot for me to get into the head space to develop a relationship sort of connection with someone, so it definitely wasn't that.

It sounds silly but the interaction was simply because I was lonely and was happy to have a bit of general chit chat with someone. At the time he got back in touch, my family were dealing with grief from my uncles death and friends were off doing their own thing as I was heavily pregnant, so felt I couldn't really add to that by being selfish saying I felt abit isolated and wanted to do a normal thing like just make small talk over lunch for once. Obviously a man like that, or even a man in general, was probably a stupid choice for me to do something I perceived as normal friendly things to do with. There was definitely nothing else in it for me and I didn't get the impression there was for him either until I had my baby then something changed more than just the offhand put downs.

Get your social media locked right down. Delete and block him on any and all platforms you were connected on. Also any mutual acquaintances. No more posting locations or plans.
He is a stalker, not a friend. He never was.

Christ I hate men a lot of the time, they really have NO IDEA the amount of pain and suffering they cause because they are so self-centred they don't stop to consider anyone but themselves. You had more than enough going on, all you wanted was a friend. And he took advantage of you when you were at your lowest and most vulnerable, only a maggot would do that. Then, he turns around gaslights you, and calls you a 'slag'. How dare he? He was using you and trying to get a leg over, he didn't once stop to think how his criticisms of your parenting affected you, or how touching you inappropriately affected you, he did it because he could. And couldn't give a shit. He took advantage of you at your lowest point instead of being there for you. That's what I call a predator. And the worst thing? They have us women gaslit and wondering if we are to blame for their behaviour! You can guarantee he feels no sense of guilt or shame or remorse, whatsoever. It wouldn't even occur to him to feel empathy or remorse. Keep the maggot blocked forever on all things, and never allow him back into your life ever again.

Don't be afraid to ring the police if he turns up at your home or anywhere and you feel unsafe....

Pet, block him, if he tries to get in touch, ignore. Look after yourself and your child.

That’s completely understandable. I’m sorry that he turned out to be like this. I am also really glad that you felt able to turn to this site to get it off your chest and get some support. Definitely never contact this person again as his behaviour is deeply concerning. I’d log it with police so it’s on record at the very least. Don’t share your location or things on social media, and maybe even consider changing your number.

Older men like this tend to prey on young women because they perceive them as being easier to control and manipulate. He’s certainly giving off all the warning signs and giving predatory vibes. Just yuck.