WWYD? Friendship turning weird.

[ForLoveOrMoney]

Hi,

I've had a male friend for many years. Over the years he's ranged from an acquaintance to friend and back again but never anything more. Never sexual, intimate, etc. I am 27, he is 42. I am a lone parent who had my DC 8 weeks ago. (NOT HIS DC). We were no contact until about 4 months ago because he gets very aggressive and abusive when he drinks and I got really uncomfortable being dragged into situations where I was being bullied and gaslit.

Anyways, we somehow got back in touch about 4 months ago solely via text. We met up in person again about 6 weeks ago when I had a dip post birth and was feeling really isolated. He offered to take me for a curry and I accepted. Since then we've met a handful of times but things have started to get really uncomfortable again.

For example, he has started referencing my DC as "our DC", he constantly goes on about her dad even though he's not on the scene, has subtly made comments about my parenting and how I'm doing things wrong or I'm smothering my DC with contact naps and not letting them get used to crying by cuddling DC all the time. In conversation he made suggestions about activities for a next meetbut then said things like we'll you can't swim, etc so it will have to be a pretty basic activity day. Over facetime, I was feeding DC who has a slight tongue tie and was shouted at for not knowing how to feed DC because I had to keep repositioning the bottle until she got the suck right.

He's also become a handsy when we meet up which has made me clam up and need to restate my boundaries, last weekend there was brief but obvious touching of my leg, moving really close so he's basically on my lap, etc. I felt really uncomfortable made my excuses and left. I replayed it over and over, then sent a brief text at 2am because I couldn't sleep just saying I appreciate the friendship and that he's been there for me recently but I wanted to make it clear wasn't interested in a relationship or anything if that was somehow his interpretation as the behaviour from him was making me really on edge and uncomfortable. He read the message and didn't reply until today (8 days later) which said "Here man you fucking slag, have you enjoyed taking the fucking piss out of me."

He's now blocked on everything and I'm never going to engage with him again but it's really upset me and I'm scared of any repercussions.

Don't blame yourself. I believe you when you say you normally have good boundaries. He caught you at a vulnerable time and exploited that. So glad you have wised up to it. Onwards and upwards 🙂

The change is you’ve had a child. Him calling your child his is extreme chilling red flags.

You know how a lot of male partners "change" when their female partner is pregnant/gives birth? This is like that. They know this is a vulnerable time to push your boundaries and he probably thought you wouldn't stick up for yourself.

OP, what’s alarming me here is that you seem to be trying to think of ways in which this man’s appalling, predatory behaviour are your fault, or your baby’s! That’s insane. You sound very vulnerable. Please seek support elsewhere.

It’s not worth the risk finding out. He’s nasty, leave it at that and don’t ignore those niggling thoughts if he ever tries to get in contact again. There are men who prey on vulnerable single mums to get access to the child.

I don't want to freak you out but that guy has the potential to be dangerous.

He's not co tired s crime as yet so no police involving would be require. Yet.

But please tell someone like your mum or whomever about this guy and what's happened.

Be aware of who is at the door before you answer it with the chain on. Don't let him in.

And be aware who is around when you're out and about during the day.

That guy sounds mental.
Just stay safe. Dodged a bullet with him. Creep.

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby. ❤️

Please don't blame yourself! It's human nature to reach out to others when you are lonely and going through difficult emotional situations. I'm so sorry for your loss. You didn't have anything that would have warned you about his change in behaviour. I suspect he was attracted to the idea of a "ready made family", if we are thinking of him in generous terms or thinking of you as being vulnerable and therefore easier to control. The worst possible thought is that he might have wanted to gain your trust in order to get close to your baby.😱

I would try to go to some mum and baby groups and try to grow your friendship circle, so you have some support and people who don't judge you. I don't know if it's your first child, but even if not, every child is different and it takes time to discover what works best for you and them. It's not the "critic" who's getting up in the night and dealing with everything that comes with looking after a newborn. It's especially tough doing it by yourself, so be kind to yourself.

I would be concerned about the message and this guy's behaviour. If you get any more contact from him of this nature I'd consider reporting him. Hopefully he'll just disappear forever.

This exactly. Ugh he is really, really creepy.

OP, you've done the right thing with the blocking. It sounds like you might need some support and friendship elsewhere. I feel like you're NE based from your writing, if so, I can recommend a lovely baby group where you will find some new mams and get a new circle. This man sounds utterly disgusting. Listen to your instincts which are right! Good luck and congratulations on your little one xx

He’s a nasty manipulative man who’s sensed you’re vulnerable now you have a new baby. His interest has peaked because he’s seen you’re in need of support and friendship. Don’t waste your energy even thinking about him.

Time to invest energy in meeting new mum friends for support. There are some good apps out there for meeting local mums.

@blitzen I am NE based yes, what gave it away lol. The baby group recommendation would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Also for everyone else, we were already staying at my mums this weekend when the message from him came through so as a precautionary safety measure we may stay a couple of extra days just incase there is any underlying threat behind that reaction of his. Although he briefly attended my address outside once about 4 years ago which I'm hoping he forgot, I will be mindful though for when we are back home or out and about, as this erratic abusive behaviour used to be regular as clockwork every weekend before I went NC.

You've known him for many years, which means that you were very young when you first met. As others have said he is not a good man, but you are very strong and he has not been able to groom you. Trust that you have good instincts, make sure your friends know about his behaviour so that you are not alone with this.

I totally agree with this. Please be kind to yourself, 8 weeks post birth you’re still all over the place.

Your right to recognise that his behaviour is wrong, it is, he’s not not been respectful, crossed boundaries and is referencing your child as his - this is all very strange and worrying behaviour and I would echo advice to speak to family or a close friend so someone knows what’s happened.

Youve recognised that this is very strange and worrying and know that you need to cut contact. You could worry yourself to death about all the reasons why he may behave like this! Just be reassured that you are doing the right thing by not seeing him again.

Don't dwell on it. Use it as a lesson: keep your boundaries strict and instantly dump people who cross them.

He is a predator - as someone else has already said.

Make sure you not only tell your mum and family but also your friends.

I am sorry to worry you but he will have remembered where you live despite it being a few years since he was there.

Please see if you can get a ring doorbell fitted asap.

What a weirdo. It’s not your fault, it never would be your fault but at what 2 weeks postpartum(??) you are extremely vulnerable and of course wanted to feel some normality by having a catch up with a friend. He exploited that and is a bad man. Please keep yourself and your baby safe.

Have you got a ring doorbell or similar just in case he shows up in person? I'd join some baby groups and make friends with mothers with babies of a similar age and stage for when you want some human contact over coffee.

I would get a camera or a ring doorbell or similar if you don't already have one just in case.

This man is nothing short of a predator who has groomed you I am so sorry you have found yourself in this position and he has abused and manipulated a place in your life and has sought you out when you are the most vulnerable. None of this is remotely your fault. The pathetic one is him. He is an abuser of the highest order and is reacting to you rightfully asserting boundaries.

I also had a platonic (from my side) friendship with a man for over a decade where he also manipulated huge vulnerabilities in my life including the break down of an abusive relationship and the death of my mother and used these times to his full advantage to exploit my mental health. He was controlling, obsessive, would always criticise me and tell me how I wasn’t capable of doing anything. These people need you to need them because they are pathetic low-lives with no morals. These people don’t hold values with people who behave like good friends who can be trusted. I finally after about four attempts cut this man out of my life for good about three years ago and have thrived without his negativity and poison dripping in my ear. Sometimes I think about the good times and happy memories but then I catch myself and remember how he is a compulsive liar and this “friendship” was based upon his manipulation.

Be free of this man, you will grow so much without him. Good luck OP.

This man sounds awful! Where did you meet him? Honestly, take the advice of the other posters and do not engage with him at all. I hope you have a ring doorbell.

Yep as PP has said sounds like he liked the idea of a ready made family and thought your vulnerability post birth was his ‘in’. Thought you were gonna be so wow-ed by his apparent vast knowledge of baby rearing that you’d think of him as the hero that swooped in and saved the “damsel in distress” on her own with a new baby.

The fact that you have knocked him back and he has turned nasty opposed to apologising or explaining that you’d got the wrong end of the stick says it all. Thank god you are nowhere near as vulnerable as he was hoping, as if he’ll give you that nasty of a reaction from a text message, I dread to think what a relationship would be like.

I agree it sounds like he could be predatory towards your DC. That could well be his motivation for suddenly seeming to push a romantic/sexual relationship with you. Extremely alarming. Do everything in your power to keep this man out of your life and away from your DC. The criticism is just trying to weaken you and undermine your confidence. Absolute bollocks, it sounds like you're doing amazingly.

Do not blame your self or second guess yourself. You mummy istincts were activated and you blocked this weirdo. Rightly so.

I originally met him on some weird online chat site many years ago, chatted on and off for a long time as I didn't feel comfortable meeting. Saw sense and deleted the account then one day I was at the hairdressers and he came in, tracked me down on Facebook after and since then its just been a rinse and repeat of personality switch ups and then the most recent years of NC until recently. Over the years, I've often wished it rained or something that day so I didn't go and get my hair cut that day insert uncomfortable half-joke laugh

Saw sense and deleted the account then one day I was at the hairdressers and he came in, tracked me down on Facebook after and since then its just been a rinse and repeat of personality switch ups and then the most recent years of NC until recently.

uuughhhhh what? How was he ever your friend? God I'm so glad you can see him for what he is now, just never speak to him again. In fact be wary of him 'tracking you down' again.
Congrats on your baby! Please try and get support from other friends/mums!