WWYD? Friendship turning weird.

[ForLoveOrMoney]

Hi,

I've had a male friend for many years. Over the years he's ranged from an acquaintance to friend and back again but never anything more. Never sexual, intimate, etc. I am 27, he is 42. I am a lone parent who had my DC 8 weeks ago. (NOT HIS DC). We were no contact until about 4 months ago because he gets very aggressive and abusive when he drinks and I got really uncomfortable being dragged into situations where I was being bullied and gaslit.

Anyways, we somehow got back in touch about 4 months ago solely via text. We met up in person again about 6 weeks ago when I had a dip post birth and was feeling really isolated. He offered to take me for a curry and I accepted. Since then we've met a handful of times but things have started to get really uncomfortable again.

For example, he has started referencing my DC as "our DC", he constantly goes on about her dad even though he's not on the scene, has subtly made comments about my parenting and how I'm doing things wrong or I'm smothering my DC with contact naps and not letting them get used to crying by cuddling DC all the time. In conversation he made suggestions about activities for a next meetbut then said things like we'll you can't swim, etc so it will have to be a pretty basic activity day. Over facetime, I was feeding DC who has a slight tongue tie and was shouted at for not knowing how to feed DC because I had to keep repositioning the bottle until she got the suck right.

He's also become a handsy when we meet up which has made me clam up and need to restate my boundaries, last weekend there was brief but obvious touching of my leg, moving really close so he's basically on my lap, etc. I felt really uncomfortable made my excuses and left. I replayed it over and over, then sent a brief text at 2am because I couldn't sleep just saying I appreciate the friendship and that he's been there for me recently but I wanted to make it clear wasn't interested in a relationship or anything if that was somehow his interpretation as the behaviour from him was making me really on edge and uncomfortable. He read the message and didn't reply until today (8 days later) which said "Here man you fucking slag, have you enjoyed taking the fucking piss out of me."

He's now blocked on everything and I'm never going to engage with him again but it's really upset me and I'm scared of any repercussions.

Holy cow, he STALKED YOU?

This is really important advice, OP.

Chilling and disturbing. Any further contact I’d file a report with the police. There are many red flags in all your posts. Concentrate on your baby and stay away from weird online chat sites.

Omg, creep! Please be safe.

Errrrm what? When you say he came into the hairdressers you were in, was that just a by chance thing, as in he walked in for a service and you happened to be in there and recognised eachother? Or did he find out you were there and come in with the intent of forcing a meeting with you?

Only asking because if it’s the latter then I’m afraid it sounds like you have been actively stalked for several years under the guise of friendship and is therefore much more likely to be a dangerous person (opposed to just a weird wanker).

You are correct - just to reiterate what you already know, he has 0 claim over your child, in case you were worried. Even if he had of been involved in the pregnancy or whatever, it's irrelevant what he says or thinks.

Do you have any Children's Centres near you? Please utilise if so, they are amazing. If not, to echo others, meet some mum friends elsewhere. It's much easier to meet new people when you have new babies, as you have a common topic of conversation, and everyone is in the same boat re wanting to make new friends. Your choice isn't to either be alone, or put up with dickheads like this bloke x

I honestly do not know the answer to this. I was already in the hairdressers mid appointment when he walked in and saw me, said hello then told the hairdresser what cut he was after. Its always been perceived as a by chance encounter and it was the type of hairdressers that you could just turn up at and be seen when they could fit you in, so I've never had any evidence to verify if it was a coincidence or something more sinister.

Thankfully I haven't used a chat site or some SM sites since I was 18. I've done alot of work on my self, esteemwise and further to improve my boundaries and stuff is why I feel abit disappointed in my lack of sense recently which led me to re-engage in communication.

It's just sad that it's made me question why I even thought generic conversation and a coffee with someone who bullied me most weekends for years was a good idea. Like, am I really that lonely/isolated that I chose that as a form of independant human interaction?! I'm also annoyed that its led to all these questions and self doubt to creep into my brain, when beforehand I was in the happy, oblivious little baby bubble :(

Could I of done something to provoke this switch up in behaviour?

NO. You did nothing wrong.
His nasty text sounds like he was drunk, and he’s a very nasty drunk.
Block him on everything, don’t be tempted to contact him again. You must protect your child and yourself.
Make some mum friends, ask your HV if there are any mums groups nearby. It can be lonely being with a baby, especially if you’re on your own so mum friends will be good allies.
Stay safe.

Predatory male 🚩

Hi OP, I didn't want to read and run and what you've described in your posts is really alarming. The only advice I would have is:

1. Do not post any details of your locations, groups you go to etc on any social media as he may be able to track you.
2. I'm glad your mum knows, but when you get home, please tell friends and even your immediate neighbours so they can keep an eye out for this man.
3. Please invest in a ring doorbell.
4. Build your support network by joining groups etc.
5. I would also seriously consider going to the police with how you initially met, how he found you at the hairdressers and all of your experience and communication with him. He sounds like a dangerous man.

It sounds like you've come such a long way in terms of setting boundaries etc. He has taken advantage at such a vulnerable time. I would stay with your mum for as long as is feasible. Maybe even mention this to your Health Visitor during your next appointment.

Please be kind to yourself @ForLoveOrMoney - you're certainly not "stupid" or "pathetic", and don't need to be "disappointed" in yourself at all. You made an error in judgement, as we all do from time to time, and actually one that's very understandable - you took someone who claimed to be your friend, up on an offer of a curry. Hardly crime of the century! And now you've identified the problem and are rectifying it. There's no shame in feeling lonely - and you can address that issue too. Lots and lots of women do feel lonely at first, which is why baby groups were set up in the first place. It isn't a failing, and it isn't something insurmountable. Lots of women are also at a more vulnerable emotional ebb too, when they've just given birth (or suffered a bereavement), and some preditory, toerag men hone in on this. You have done well to swerve him and keep yourself and your baby safe!! He is nothing. Don't let this wanker take away from your happiness, or the achievement you have made in having and looking after your baby x

Please take this extremely seriously, OP.

This is a dangerous man. File a police report, for the purposes of a paper trail. If he does anything else, you want there to be something on record already. Tell real people in your life what's been happening. This man found you by stalking in the first place. This whole "friendship" started off by a violation of boundaries and criminal behaviour.

Let this be a watershed moment. DO NOT engage with him further in any way whatsoever. Make sure people in your life know about this. Keep safe. Don't let this slip into "oh I'm sure it wasn't that bad actually, I probably did something to provoke him". This is severely concerning.

All the best to you and baby.

This is well documented in the DV research.

This is what this predator has done here - he has ramped up his control / abuse / pushed boundaries because he knows women are vulnerable post birth.

Good for you for working so hard on yourself. That has stood you in good stead because you have been aware and listened to the alarm bells and taken action.

Dont doubt yourself. Be very proud that you have taken actions to protect yourself.

If he does make contact another way (doorsteps you, sends a gift etc) tell him you want zero contact (keep a record) and know that if he makes 2 attempts of contact after being told no - this constitutes harrasment so call the police.

Dont underestimate how dangerous this character is.

Congrats on your baby - focus on having a wonderful, calm, peaceful and joyous motherhood.

I'm just honestly kicking myself
this man is a predator, he preyed on your weaknesses, it's not your fault. But now you know, there's no ambiguity he is vile, very bad news. You have to protect yourself.

ALL? Rubbish.

Total radgie creep! Keep him blocked on absolutely everything, don't engage, if he shows up as at your house call the police. Keep yourself and your little one safe.

Cut contact with this man, op, for your and your baby's sake. He is predatory now that you are vulnerable see and sounds very unpleasant. He may not have been like that with you previously but you don't know what he was like with other women.

It's sad when what one perceived as a friendship turns in this way but it happens. Just don't see him any more.

I hope you feel better soon, in fact I am sure you will, and don't look back.

Sounds like dangerous man….. he has never sounded or acted like a friend

BECAREFUL! the internet is full of scary people

Give yourself a break, OP. Having a newborn is so tough. You’re doing great. Don’t be disappointed in yourself, just learn and move on. It’s ok to have felt lonely, and hope that a friend has stopped being strange. He hasn’t, so you are going to join baby groups to help with feeling lonely now. Don’t overthink it!

Be very careful op. This dangerous creep isn’t going to give up easily.
As others have said, file a police report, and get a ring camera if you don’t already have one.
Make sure all your friends and family know about him.
Do you have anyone who could stay with you for a while or maybe stay longer at your mums.
Please do everything you can to protect yourself and your baby from this vile person.

No you did nothing at all to provoke this behavior. This man has never been your friend, he has always wanted more, but he just waited until you were at a vulnerable point where he felt you may be more receptive. Unfortunately what women often perceive as chatting and having a coffee with a friend, having a laugh etc,men can interpret very differently especially if they fancy you. I'm concerned that you're worried about repercussions, just stay away from him completely.

This is alarming and I feel worried for you. Please consider a women’s service local to you where you may have a 1:1 support worker if any contact from
him continues. Do consider informing the police. Ring doorbell, yes. Let close family & friends know.

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

the freedom project may also be of benefit to you in the future. It sounds like you need some further support with boundaries, recognising red flags 🚩 and assertiveness. If feeling lonely, reach out to family or join some local mum & baby groups like others have suggested. This man is not your friend. It does sound like he’s preying on you, and showing signs of coercive and controlling behaviour. It’s not your fault, but we need to get you some support

Also what is your relationship like with the father of your child? Do you think subconsciously you were looking for something romantic? Again nothing wrong with that but would concentrate on you & baby for now. Stay safe x

This.
Do call the Police if he tries to contact you again. You are right to block him from knowing you and your child.
Make a report - he might have form for pervy behaviour.