To think that most people aren’t genuinely nice?

[DreamyPearlPeer]

I often find myself questioning the true nature of people’s kindness. It seems that many acts of kindness are motivated by self-interest or social expectations rather than genuine goodwill. AIBU to think feel that, in general, most people aren’t as nice as they seem?

I think a lot of kindness is for show. My neighbour did a run to raise money for a charity. She got a big cheque made with her donations and posted photos of her and her family handing over the big cheque all over her social media. I guess it's a win win. The charity gets money and she gets a lot of praise.
An older relative used to tell me to be nice to people because I never knew what they could do for me. That always sat wrong with me. I would never be rude to people but I have always felt being genuine is more important than looking out for what I can get. However she has been very successful in life with this attitude, more successful than me.

I'd say most people are a 'standard' nice. As in, good morals, not a dick, kind to friends and family.

As in, just normal.

Lots of women are keen to please, conditioned to be nice/helpful.

I'm a very kind, generous person by nature but I've learned to be very picky with who I give the benefit of that to, if that makes sense.

I agree with you but I still try to be. My best advice is to not join in with other people's unkindness.

I've worked with a lot of volunteers in my time who did incredibly kind things often at great personal cost. Every one of them had their reasons. Whether it was the challenge, sense of achievement, appreciation, they all got something from it. I know this because part of my job was to find out what it was to make sure they got it so would carry on volunteering. However, the fact there was something in it for them made not a jot of difference to the people they helped and the value of their service. It may not be pure altruism, but if you get your satisfaction from helping others it's kinder and more useful than if you get it from purely self serving actions.

But surely that’s the ultimate ‘strings attached’ kindness, performed in the belief that a deity is judging every act?

I think most people do their best most of the time.

I don’t personally place much importance on ‘niceness’, which I don’t think has much necessarily to do with goodness.

Isn’t selflessness difficult to prove?

Yabu op, but only based on my anecdotal evidence that the majority of the people I know are genuinely good, kind people. When my kids are scared of baddies, I always tell them that the vast majority of people in the world are good. I truly believe that, but it's easy to get sucked down by cynicism and negativity because we're surrounded by bad news.

Interesting thread. I think most people are generally decent and law abiding people who just want to live their lives without causing upset to others. But nice, I'm not sure, that's not quite the same. I can be very nice but I can also be the opposite!

Joey thinks so, Phoebe disagrees.

This comment will go down like a lead balloon-MN HATE religion.

However I had this experience too. The vicar at our church is a dear friend and is one of the most gentle and kind people I know. She supported me through the hardest time of my life more than anyone else.

But I have also met plenty of false people who use their beliefs to make themselves look more impressive.

I've been genuinely nice. It got me a lot of people who would take advantage of that, so now I've got rock solid boundaries, which may come across as not being nice sometimes. Being nice was a result of being raised to be a people pleaser. Now I'm nice to me first.

I think most people are more complex than 'nice'. I do believe most people are decent. But we're all flawed aren't we? I think you are bound to be disappointed if you expect people to be one dimensionally 'nice'.

People can be nice, but also be nasty too. Humans are complex creatures, and being nice is just one aspect of many.
I find that the "nice" people tend to reveal themselves more once you get to know them properly. I was introduced to someone who has a "heart of gold"... after getting to know her, she turned out to be a vile gossip.

Oh I agree with this. My experience of church going Christians was that many of them were not very nice people.

I agree with this.

So much in the news about the cruelty of humankind but, actually, my experience has been the opposite. As my username suggests, my dad has dementia and before he went into a home he was prone to wandering (and didn't live in a particularly nice part of London) but so many people came to his aid and showed nothing but kindness. It has restored my faith in humanity tbh.

I think it is a virtuous circle - I definitely look out for people more now and want to pay it forward.

Most people are too busy to do endless amounts of selfless deeds. It’s totally reasonable to want something in return for being helpful, helping each other out is what communities are about.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

’There are many reasons why people help or do 'something nice'. What really matters is the helping, not any underlying psychology of the act.’

’By their deeds, you will know them’

I’ve met kind people from every culture and religion.

Something is seriously wrong if you have only countered it from one group.

I think to be truly kind you also have to be a doormat, so most people end up further along the spectrum.

I think most people are capable of being nice, kind and decent but also at times thoughtless, selfish and unkind. We've all probably done things we're ashamed of and things we're proud of. Human beings are complex and most people are not all good or all bad.

Nobody is perfect, I don't think it's black and white. I've met people who seem ever so kind who turn out to be anything but. There's the kindness you see on social media as kind people stick cameras in the faces of homeless people while waving a fiver at them etc. I know people who do kind things so they have a way to big themselves up at the dinner table.

But I've also met genuinely kind people with pure hearts. Not many, but some.

But this is how the world works.

For what reason do you believe yourself worthy of sacrifice by others? Or are you constantly putting yourself out to help other people, getting nothing back? If so, this is self-harming behaviour and you should probably interrogate the reasons behind it.

‘But now really, do not you think Udolpho the nicest book in the world?’
‘The nicest; – by which I suppose you mean the neatest. That must depend upon the binding.’
‘Henry,’ said Miss Tilney, ‘you are very impertinent. Miss Morland, he is treating you exactly as he does his sister. He is for ever finding fault with me, for some incorrectness of language, and now he is taking the same liberty with you. The word “nicest,” as you used it, did not suit him; and you had better change it as soon as you can, or we shall be overpowered with Johnson and Blair all the rest of the way.’
‘I am sure,’ cried Catherine, ‘I did not mean to say anything wrong; but it is a nice book, and why should not I call it so?’
‘Very true,’ said Henry, ‘and this is a very nice day, and we are taking a very nice walk, and you are two very nice young ladies. Oh! it is a very nice word indeed! – It does for everything. Originally perhaps it was applied only to express neatness, propriety, delicacy, or refinement; – people were nice in their dress, in their sentiments, or their choice. But now every commendation on every subject is comprised in that one word.’
‘While, in fact,’ cried his sister, ‘it ought only to be applied to you, without any commendation at all. You are more nice than wise. Come, Miss Morland, let us leave him to meditate over our faults in the utmost propriety of diction, while we praise Udolpho in whatever terms we like best.’

Northanger Abbey

I think that, on the whole, people are ok.

Lots of nice people about, but more not so nice ones.

I'm friendly with somone I thought was nice, very generous and kind.
Except, every kind deed is mentioned over and over again.
She likes the idea of being a good person and wants everyone to know about it.

I regret ever taking a gift from her, something I can't return but she hasn't stopped bleeting since.

I often have the thought most people are good. I know it makes me sound like a child but I think this is why when I find out a seemingly good person does bad it probably affects me and stays with me more than the average person.