To think that most people aren’t genuinely nice?

[DreamyPearlPeer]

I often find myself questioning the true nature of people’s kindness. It seems that many acts of kindness are motivated by self-interest or social expectations rather than genuine goodwill. AIBU to think feel that, in general, most people aren’t as nice as they seem?

Watched a youtube video about 18 months ago where an Asian (far eastern) fella was visiting Israel. He walked in areas which was predominantly Arab and the warmth of the people was amazing. He walked past street vendors and shops and the people couldn't have been more welcoming. I got choked up watching it tbh. And seeing what is happening now is just heartbreaking.

I think humans are generally decent. But being humans we are flawed, and there are times when we are agitated, stressed, tired etc. which is when we say/do things out of character. Of course there are a tiny tiny minority of us who are wicked (I watch alot of true crime videos on youtube)..paedos, or those who get pleasure from inflicting pain on people. They are irredeemable. But 99% plus are decent folk.

I am

That happened with me too. I was having a bad time with my mental health, and she made me up a care package. Was very nice of her, but she told everyone about it, and why.
She would do nice things for people who had confided they were struggling financially or mentally. All got made public.

Speak for yourself

I think you're meeting the wrong people

Agreed. I have met incredibly kind people of every faith and none.

I believe that most people are fundamentally nice. Of course, people will often do things for reasons of self interest etc, but I actually think most people do genuinely enjoy doing nice things for other people. Maybe I'm naive to think this, but it's generally my experience.

Just found the video I was referring to. Wes from east Asia in Palestine. Honestly, I kind of wished I hadn't seen this as it makes what is happening now even worse. It was better being ignorant and not knowing. My heart goes out to them.

4:30 in the video ("people super friendly and sociable"... "people constantly greeted and talked to me")

s

I work for a charity that generally, on a day to day, we see the worst. We offer free, unpaid, voluntary work, and are 9/10 thanked with abuse, rudeness, ridicule, and disdain. These are people who have few options- it's us or nothing and they choose us, but unwillingly and arguably without true "choice". When our help yields good results, we get told we were no help and they could have done it without us. When our help cannot help, we are told it's our fault.

Imo people are kind. Because we all still help because we believe in justice and understand that our clients are victims in many ways.

The one in ten that show gratitude make us feel good, but they aren't common. And often make us feel worse- they shouldn't need us, they needn't be grateful and a decent society wouldn't have put them in a position that leaves them reliant upon us.

So too, when we do fundraisers- standing outside supermarkets with tins for instance- people are generous. They are kind and give what they can, and when they can't they (unnecessarily) apologise. Men dig through their pockets and give whatever they have, women search their handbags, many- a shocking amount!- go back to their car and come back having found change to put 20p or whatever in the tin. These people don't see the outcome of their kind donations, they don't know who they help, and often have no idea what charity they even donated to- they just see a tin and offer what they can. There's no gain for them. They were just kind. Because people are.

I would say I'm pretty nice and always willing to help out. When it comes to motivations though I think it's because it makes me feel good to make other people happy which is selfish I suppose so I guess you're right🤷‍♀️

I really do not think you are correct.
If you treat people with kindness, you will get it back
Even horrid people
You don't know what's going on in their lives.
I'm not Christian but a humanist. If they persist in being horrible, well then...

I think most people recognise that we are all better off if we observe some basic standards of acceptable behaviour, so they generally do this.

I also think that many people would be a bit nicer if they were less stressed, busy or afraid of being taken advantage of.

and two faced

Totally agree

I remember reading a book on human evolution I think, I can’t remember which one but it made the case that the reason why humanity has been so successful was because we are highly cooperative in social groups. So that would involve transactional type relationships in which you hope the person you help might one day help you in your time of need.
Even parents up until recently had children partly as a kind of social welfare system. So children would look after you in old age etc because there wasn’t any thing back then and famines were a regular occurrence.

This is interesting to me because I would see it as her raising more awareness for the charity and also being proud of her accomplishment. I don't see either as a bad thing? Frankly she seems awesome to me. Lol

I have seen the worst of humanity I suppose. Childhood sexual abuse survivor in care, but I am recklessly optimistic.

I don't think there is kind and unkind. I think we've all hurt people. Some more than others but we're all human.

I think even the people who abused me were hurting people .To be so sick stems from some trauma. I don't forgive, but I have a broader stance of their own complexity.

I tend to expect nothing from anyone and the world constantly surprises me.

I think most of us want to be good people, and seeing that intention in each other makes for kinder people.

I try to be a kind person and mostly succeed 😀
A little kindness in the world can only be a good thing.
Kindness to me is thinking of other people which could be buying a cup of tea for a homeless person, complementing someone, offers to help when you see a person who needs it or buying dd her favourite item in the food shop😀
Any act that may make a persons day just a little bit brighter.
Most people I meet are kind.
I do dislike selfishness especially when coupled with those transactional favours. I have a friend who does this, you can see they are thinking "if I do x for you then I can get y because they will owe me"
I do think society has become more selfish but I think the government has had a hand in that. Demonising the disabled, unemployed, single mothers and the homeless, making us less compassionate and kind to others.
Mn still shocks me sometimes. The advice to or for the op can be so unkind. On others it can warm my heart

I think I am a fake sometimes. I like to think I am very kind, but I then wonder if it is because I have trained myself to be. I have selfish instincts all the time that I have to keep under control. If it doesn’t come completely naturally though, surely it’s better to be disingenuously kind than not kind at all!

I think most people are very selfish.. I don’t think people are ‘mean’ or evil - I think that’s quite rare, but I do think most people do what suits them the best and often have an underlying motive to their decisions which is nearly always about what they want from something. Maybe I am cynical. I don’t trust people much - I’m ok with that and don’t like to rely on others. Family I feel is different though and more genuine.

@Mummadeze honestly I think that’s normal. As pp said, one of the reasons humans have been so successful is that we can be highly cooperative but on a somewhat transactional level ( ie bit of selfishness/ self preservation thrown into the mix- Stone Age man was highly alert to cheeky fuckery 🤣).

On that wider topic, I don’t think anticipating return of favours makes someone “not nice”. You have to strike a balance between kindness and not being taken advantage of. The best relationships are somewhat reciprocal.

obviously different if you’re doing a role where you accept it’s one way traffic from the off, such as volunteering to work with disadvantaged people.

Some quote up thread about whether people are intrinsically selfish or intrinsically nice. Research with little kids shows they most often have a strong sense of fairness such that they prefer to share a set of stickers equally rather than I get all or you get all.

So if you take fairness as your starting point for understanding human nature, then a lot of things make sense. I worked hard for a charity, it's fair that I should get praise. I do a favour for you today, it's fair that you owe me a favour next time.

And when most people stick to this with a bit of generosity, it is enough niceness to make society work.

I think you’re statement is about yourself. You consider that your own acts of kindness are possibly motivated by self-interest or social expectations rather than genuine goodwill. You think you aren’t as nice as you seem.

I assume lots of people are genuinely kind unless proven otherwise. For me kindness is linked to nurturing, caring, empathy, solid relationships, compassion, love, a state of mind. There are people who manipulate others and use kindness as a tactic intentionally or unintentionally.

I think I’ve met a lot of people in my life, family, friends, work colleagues etc. but can only count on one hand the amount of what I call “decent” people I know. By that I mean kind, compassionate, generous and genuine.

Most people put themselves first, have no sense of community, and are just not very nice people.

I just keep myself to myself now. I conduct myself in a way that is true to myself and my conscience and everyone else can get on with it. I try to be self sufficient so I don’t have to rely on anyone.

True kindness is doing something with no expectation at all. I wonder how often this is the case. Anything other than this is just manipulation.

Have you never met those rare folk who just ooze warmth and kindness and genuinely connect with everyone around them?

I have and I keep them close, some of my best friends are these folk.

Its a part of me that I am forever grateful for, no idea where it came from, how I got it but I can sniff good, genuine kind people out within minutes of talking to someone.
They are rare, but there are lots of them.