Same ring as late wife

[Anon22224]

My Fiancé is a widow, I just accidentally came across his late wife’s engagement ring and I realised it is exactly the same as the one that DF proposed with.

Would you be upset? I feel really hurt

I wouldn’t be remotely upset if I liked it. It’s not as if it’s the same ring.

If it's a diamond solitaire - no, as that's the standard, although it shows a lack of imagination.

If it's more distinctive then yes, I would be a bit upset.

Is it a recent engagement? Could the ring be returned?

It has a distinctive pattern, not just plain band with diamond

Is it the same ring? As in her actual ring?

Not recent, over a year ago

I do like it but I don’t absolutely love it, it’s probably not what I would have chosen myself but I loved the fact he chose it specially for me. I think this is what hurts

If he thought it was the most stunning ring in the world, perfect for the love if his life who sadly left him, then makes sense that he'd pick the perfect ring for you too. Or yours would be second best if he didn't like it as much

Men can lack imagination. When my late husband and I got engaged, he suggested that we get a vintage ring with a garnet - he liked garnets, he told me. He then added that that was what he got when he married his ex.

I told him that that wouldn't be happening.

No no, I have my own ring it just looks the same

My husband was a widow - I honestly don’t think men ( mine was widowed young and didn’t meet meet me til he was 50) don’t pay much attention to the design etc of rings
If you love it don’t be hurt, I’m sure he didn’t choose an identical one deliberately, he probably just thought “ diamond engagement ring” are all very similar

I would be upset.

Is this against a backdrop of him being a lovely partner in all other ways, or being generally quite self-involved and not overly bothered about your feelings/opinions?

I wouldn't like that at all (I'm in a relationship with a widower). You're a different person to his late wife, so I'd be really offended in your shoes.

I'm unlikely to marry my chap, but I do know what his late wife's engagement ring looked like, and nothing about it is to my taste at all. Which is normal! So I'd have to say something if he suddenly produced a ring like hers! (He doesn't quite get that I don't care for diamonds ...)

No he’s amazing, very supportive

@Anon22224 i wouldn’t be pleased either.

just sounds like a lack of imagination though. I’m guessing his wife loved her ring and he wanted you to have something you loved too.
I would probably take it to a good jewellers and have some bespoke changes made.
it’s not expensive to get a new band or add a halo etc. There’s loads you can do to make it look completely yours without having to get a whole new ring.

I'd be upset, too.

My husband and I were both formerly widowed.

It's perfectly possible to honour their memory while also respecting your current relationship and its differences.

The fact he's bought you the same ring is disconcerting. I would feel like I was just a replacement wife figure.

In that case, I'd probably talk to him x

@Anon22224
If it was the perfect for his wife who sadly passed away, then he wants you to also bave a perfect ring. It s not like they got divorced.
passed the first emotion of upset - so I understand where you are coming from - I would actually feel honored.
you re the love of his life and so was she but she passed and he found you.
wishing you a great life together.

It is more than likely that people (including his late wife) said what a beautiful and classic design it was. He simply lacks imagination. I cannot see what is offensive about it and am astounded at the (very few) people who would be offended and want to end the relationship because of it.

He's probably bought you loads of things the same, not just that. He's replaced his wife, he's replacing everything else too. Men don't see it any differently to rebuying things after a flood or fire.

This, I would not be ok with it.

Yowzer, vicious stuff above.

If it bothers you - it would bother me - there’s only one way to fix it. Ask him.

Be greatful that you have a guy wanting yo marry you that you love seriously loads of us would have loved in their life to have found a man that wanted to marry them I am 44 never happened and prob never gonna happen so you know what what does it matter maybe uts a lack of imagination or maybe he actually likes the design

He’s probably just not very good at choosing jewellery - probably out of his depth and automatically went with what for him was a safe option - very unimaginative of course.

Yep, lack of imagination and knowing something went down well the first time around, so it’s easier than taking a chance on doing it differently.

My sister and I have been utterly astonished (and hurt and baffled) at the number of items my dad has bought his girlfriend that were worn and loved by our late mum - even down to the perfume she wore all her life and a special item of jewellery. It took us a while to realise he’s not trying to turn her into mum, it’s just stuff he knows women like and it obviously has much less emotional significance to him than to us!

My husband bought me a particular book of poems with a romantic poem highlighted in it when we were first dating. Years later I found another copy that he’d given to his ex wife and it had accidentally made it into his stuff after they divorced. He was very embarrassed when I told him I found it. Embarrassed to the point of upset. I went on and on about it and gave him quite a hard time. I think some men are just quite unimaginative and if it worked the first time they will do it again.