To think I could be autistic or ADHD?

[onehundredredroses]

Hi everyone.

Posting on here for traffic.
I'm a 30F and I'm looking for some advice on whether I should seek a private diagnosis or test for ADHD / Autism. I have been quite scared to speak out, as I know there is a bit of a stigma on the subject as a lot of people self diagnose with ND.

Back story:
All my life I have felt a bit different, but it never occurred to me that it could be ND. When I was at school, there was only 1 other pupil diagnosed that I knew of, it was never spoken about in my childhood. It's only since having DD and I see similar traits in her that got me thinking. For background, I have had a lot of harrowing trauma in my life. From childhood up until the last few years. A serious of very unfortunate events to say the absolute least, and I don't know if I am the way I am due to the traumas I've been through, or if there is neurodivergence.

Here are some of my quirks or 'symptoms' for want of a better word:

Hyper fixate on a random food and will have that for breakfast lunch and dinner for weeks on end.
I don't like being touched too much, in relationships, with DD. I give plenty of affection and I love snuggling with DD, but I can very abruptly become touched out.
I feel emotions very irrationally sometimes. I go from one extreme to another, for example I can be fine when hugging someone but the next minute I want to be left alone.
I pick my skin until it bleeds and pick my hairs on my head and eyebrows. I have to wear acrylic nails to stop me.
Impulsive buying and purchases (I've controlled this better now)
I think everyone else's life looks so much more put together and organised than mine.

VERY poor time management - but this is never the case at work. I excel at work.
I struggle to sit still.
I can never get into a TV series as I get bored, I really struggle to watch telly.
Poor sleep.
I (hate to admit this) have lack of empathy. It's not that I don't recognise situations are sad or upsetting, and I offer comfort. But my brain can't compute how to feel sad for that person. But that may be due to my trauma maybe?
Cannot multitask at all and get very overwhelmed very easily unless I have a specific plan to overcome the tasks.
A lot of simple things don't add up to me. For an example, a big part of my job is to answer Inbound calls, I work in a small team. We have a time frame to answer the calls and are on a group teams chat. If the phone is ringing out people will write 'can't get, I'm on the phone' but in my brain, I think 'well duh, obviously you're on the phone otherwise you'd have answered the one coming in' - I can't compute it and think it's a waste of time.

On the outside world nobody would ever think this. I guess this is what masking is?

Perhaps I'm just a bit strange, I don't know. The list above could go on forever but there are some examples. I was put in the additional needs class in infant school for 1 year, but my parents took me out of that class and put me into the other mainstream classes, against the school wishes.

AIBU to think there could be some ND at play here? The strange thing is, I think it has only progressed or got more noticeable to me during adulthood. The examples I've listed above have mainly only been from adulthood. Can you develop ND later on in life?
Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you!

My posts aren’t about the OP. They’re all
about @Mill3nnial who posted a list of totally ordinary experiences at 21.27 yesterday.

It does affect me if people like that seek NHS treatment. Of course it does. It affects us all if the people who actually desperately need these services can’t access them because they’re clogged up by all these bored women with highly successful lives who are looking for some kind of validation that they could have been even more successful if they just didn’t have this pesky, interesting little condition.

The OP does actually sound like she has some challenges most people do not, especially given her past trauma and the fact she was in a special needs class. I don’t know if ND but I don’t think she’d be wasting NHS resources in the same way if she were to seek further advice.

I don't think there's any way of knowing from your post. Your list of symptoms just sounds like a person with more insecurities, anxieties and coping mechanisms than some others have but I wouldn't say it sounds abnormal or unusual. Esp with a trauma background. I have taught a few children who appear classically ND but have been told there is no point in them trying to get a diagnosis atm due to xyz trauma (examples being parent death and refugee). Apparently the two things can present so similarly that it takes a couple of years before you can tell if it's trauma or ASD or both.

A lot of what you describe could also be poor mental health. A lot of people think I am neurodiverse. I'm not (at least there's no reason to think so and it's not in my family) but I do have bipolar, social anxiety and an eating disorder. So I share the vast majority of your list but am NT.

You could be ND, struggling with your mental health, both or neither. Only an assessment could tell you. But if your trauma is recent they might say you need to delay assessment.

@onehundredredroses I related to your OP so thought you may relate to mine too and sometimes it's helpful to read others' experiences

@Manchegos You are very judgmental. It is difficult to put in a reasonable length reply what I am experiencing and you have no idea how the symptoms I experience impact on my life.

I second this and I am so glad someone said it (and it hasn’t been deleted!)

This thread makes for sad reading. Why can’t people be kind to themselves without getting a diagnosis for something?
The vast majority of people’s ’symptoms’ I have seen written on this thread sound completely normal to me and either I, or people I am close to display the same traits. Please remember that ‘normal’ is a very wide spectrum.

I hate sudden loud noises (that’s normal) and being in crowds and strangers being too close to me (also normal) sometimes I feel peopled out and want to be on my own. Some days I can’t concentrate very well… I mean, I could list every single one of my little quirks and try and go get diagnosed with something but it shouldn’t be like that. Life is tough sometimes, we don’t all fit in to the same mould. Some people are our people and some aren’t. I’m holding down a job, I have friends and I am a good mother. I think I am doing fine.

There is a paragraph at the start of the DSM (diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders) that literally applies to every single condition in that book and it is this:

“A mental disorder is a syndrome characterised by clinically significant disturbance in an individual’s cognition, emotion regulation, or behaviour that reflects a dysfunction in the psychological, biological, or developmental processes underlying mental functioning. Mental disorders are usually associated with significant distress or disability in social, occupational, or other important activities. An expectable or culturally approved response to a common stressor or loss, such as the death of a loved one, is not a mental disorder. Socially deviant behaviour (e.g. political, religious or sexual) and conflicts that are primarily between the individual and society are not mental disorders unless the deviance or conflict results from a dysfunction in the individual, as described above”

I do not believe that my needing to have a couple of days of downtime after a big social event counts as a clinically significant disturbance, nor does it cause me significant distress.

Sometimes, we just need to accept that we are what we are. Work on what we can, forgive what we can’t and find our tribe.

Sorry, this is what I meant to quote above

The OP has asked opinions about whether she could or could not be ND. We’ve had several people on here already ‘diagnose’ her with something based on four fifths of fuck all.
Some people have answered her question by suggesting she speaks to a professional about it (fine)
and some people are saying she sounds normal (also fine)

But the OP seems to be in direct opposition of anyone telling her that’s she is probably normal. I would have thought that would be a relief? OP wants to be told by us all that she is ND. Some of us don’t think she is (granted, also based on four fifths of fuck all)

OP, you want a range of opinions then you’ve got them.

You put this sentiment much more kindly and thoughtfully than me! But yes it’s clear from reading this thread, and others like it, that among women with genuine challenges there are also many who put themselves in the ND category because they see only their own perceived weaknesses, and don’t recognise those same weaknesses in others.

It almost seems like a product of low self esteem to me (which isn’t a mental disorder and again, is a perfectly normal human experience)

As you say, they think everyone around them is smashing it and that’s rarely the case. It’s very difficult to have open and honest conversations about it because people often get so defensive as it’s so emotive. For some people who genuinely need it, I’m sure seeking a diagnosis would help. And I have no idea whether the OP actually needs one, or anyone else on this thread for that matter (because even if I was a mental health professional, you couldn’t tell much by a few posts on MN) but what I do believe is that we have people obtaining and using diagnoses as comfort blankets in SOME instances. It’s self-limiting.

And while I am at it, the DSM definition of trauma:

“Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways: Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s). Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend.”

That's interesting: it doesn't include physical abuse or neglect, nor relational trauma.

I guess physical abuse could come under serious injury, maybe?
It does seem rather a stunted definition, I would argue. Serious childhood neglect would surely be classed as traumatic? Although I am not an expert!
I think I wanted to show the actual definition of trauma vs the ‘modern’ definition of it. And not as a pop at anyone on this thread, of course, I don’t know anyone’s backgrounds as nobody has shared what their trauma was. It’s just another word that does get thrown around a lot.

You mention you have had a lot of therapy - have any of the therapists indicated you might be ND with ADHD or Autism ?

This is a really good thread with lots of thoughtful responses. I'm on the waiting list with psychiatry-UK for an adhd assessment and sometimes I do feel bad for clogging up waiting lists because generally day to day I get by. But I got kicked out of school, have been sacked from a job, and am about to be disqualified from driving, so I am affected by my symptoms in a big way, just not that frequently. I often doubt that I have adhd but my impulsive behaviour gets me into trouble.

I think those who say "these sound like normal symptoms" don't understand that the impact may be different from you than it is for someone who is autistic. It is one thing to set out a list of symptoms that sound mild but this doesn't give the full picture of everything experienced and the extent. It's possible I am not autistic but I know these things cause me difficulty every day and get in the way of my relationships and my work. I'm entitled to seek diagnosis or help with this and related issues I have. I'm not asking you what you've taken from the nhs so I can tell you whether you were entitled or not!

It makes me sad that people come on to these threads to make others feel bad or minimise their experiences.

The nhs website says:

Common signs of autism in adults include:

• finding it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling
• getting very anxious about social situations
• finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on your own
• seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to
• finding it hard to say how you feel
• taking things very literally – for example, you may not understand sarcasm or phrases like "break a leg"
• having the same routine every day and getting very anxious if it changes

You may also have other signs, like:

• not understanding social "rules", such as not talking over people
• avoiding eye contact
• getting too close to other people, or getting very upset if someone touches or gets too close to you
• noticing small details, patterns, smells or sounds that others do not
• having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities
• liking to plan things carefully before doing them

Lots of these things sound like normal things too and lots of them apply to me. Those of you who think you're entitled to diagnose another person or dictate when they should and should not seek help on the nhs should ask yourselves why you think this.

@Aligirlbear

My therapist has said that I do show some autistic and ADHD tenancies, specifically around masking. But she did also say that it's very closely alike to trauma response.

I'll give a bit of background to my 'trauma' - I'm not throwing the word around, these are real life traumas that I have gone through.

Born very premature at just under 27 weeks.
My twin sister died.
Sexually abused at 7 via penetration.
Horrific bullying at school.
Seriously sexually assaulted at 19 with a non guilty verdict at court due to lack of evidence
Dx with incurable cancer at 23. I am NED, but it will come back at some point.
Went into heart failure at 27, my life turned upside down and my world came to a stop for 16 months. I was in ICU for 5 months.
Had 2 miscarriages.
Last year, STBX husbands affair came out - 2.5 years of affair with a friend / colleague. Including taking our very young daughter with him to see OW.
Abusive marriage with said husband with police involvement and IDVA worker.

There's more, and I'm not here for a pitty party. I am not against anyone's opinion of telling me they don't think I'm ND, I haven't pushed back on anyone who has said this and I think that's an unfair accusation.

I was but in SEN class at school, I have shown traits my whole life, I had global developmental delays until I was 6. But the traits and effects have affected me more now I'm an adult. I've always pushed the suggestion away and put it down to my trauma but there have been signs there my whole life.

I will ask that this be moved to 30daysonly as this information is very outing and I'd rather it not be on MN forever.

@onehundredredroses

So sorry to read about the awful events you have experienced, so much more than many will be able to contemplate, and very brave of you to provide so much detail for pp.

I was curious about what the therapists had said as sometimes trauma can mask Autism / ADHD traits and sometimes Autism / ADHD can mask trauma traits. I suspect yours will be a complex diagnosis to understand the contribution of the three elements and therefore identify the best tools to help. Wishing you well and hopefully you can get to a definitive diagnosis and any additional support you need.

Your post got deleted for breaking talk guidelines FFS. As far as I can tell, it didn’t break any!! You just disagreed with someone on something.
Is this what this has come to now? Someone gets offended that you don’t agree with them and so report your post to get it deleted? Shutting down any opposing points of view is now the norm is it?

I don't ask or request any deletion, and I haven't disagreed or pushed back on anyone suggesting it's not ND btw..

I believe you - it’s a shame that someone has though.

After reading your latest updates, I’m sorry for what you have been through and really hope you get the help that you need. I wasn’t really aiming my comments at you because I obviously don’t know you or your story.

Hey OP

I'm sorry for all you've been through and if you seek diagnosis I hope it works out

I wasn’t really aiming my comments at you because I obviously don’t know you or your story.

I wonder if there's anyone on here whose story you do know whom you were aiming your comments at.

I don't mind people not agreeing with me and in fact it's helpful to hear others views as to whether something sounds like ASD or not and there is a constructive way to do this but it is not for others on here to minimise the views of those who share their experiences or dictate who has a right to go to the NHS with their struggles. I know for me and many others it is actually a big step to seek diagnosis as a result of worrying what others think or feeling silly for making something of nothing but I'm sure most who seek help are doing so because it is absolutely not nothing.

I totally agree with this. I didn't get diagnosis till I was 40, it didn't mean I wasn't adhder before then it was I internalised all my traits as something wrong with me and not just things I do because I have different neurological condition. Its very easy to assume we r just lazy and quirky when we could definitely be Neurodiverse and especially with the lack of women research and lack of understanding around adhd /autism in women. What I would hope is people on here say, we don't know for certain of course but u should go to a doctor if you belive u could be, not shame or basically discourge anyone from seeking out diagnosis because of our own projection on what we belive about Neurodiversity and beliefs about the vaildness of it.

I'm 40 now too and thinking of going for diagnosis @chicken2015 Did find it helpful to get your diagnosis? I must admit I have felt embarrassed about going to the gp but I am working my way up to it feeling more and more like I need to

hope you're okay @onehundredredroses

I think it definitely sounds like it would be worthwhile asking your GP for referral for an assessment for ASD and ADHD.

One thing though- Neurodiversities (ADHD and ASD) are by definition developmental disorders so they are always present from infancy so if you think your symptoms have come on more recently then it's less like you have either condition. However it sounds like your school might have recognised difficulties years ago?

If the symptoms started in adulthood then it's not very likely to be autism or ADHD. However, C-PTSD can present in very similar ways to ADHD, and given your history of trauma, that is far more likely, or it could be mild ADHD made worse by trauma.

I have many of the characteristics OP describes and have been wondering a lot lately about seeking a diagnosis. Several siblings plus one or both parents autistic.
Knowing for sure wouldn't change my life visibly. But it would help me come to terms with who I am and why I struggle so much with things others seem to find so easy. I've always thought I was just different and not very good at life, which has had a massive impact on my self esteem and mental health.