To think I could be autistic or ADHD?

[onehundredredroses]

Hi everyone.

Posting on here for traffic.
I'm a 30F and I'm looking for some advice on whether I should seek a private diagnosis or test for ADHD / Autism. I have been quite scared to speak out, as I know there is a bit of a stigma on the subject as a lot of people self diagnose with ND.

Back story:
All my life I have felt a bit different, but it never occurred to me that it could be ND. When I was at school, there was only 1 other pupil diagnosed that I knew of, it was never spoken about in my childhood. It's only since having DD and I see similar traits in her that got me thinking. For background, I have had a lot of harrowing trauma in my life. From childhood up until the last few years. A serious of very unfortunate events to say the absolute least, and I don't know if I am the way I am due to the traumas I've been through, or if there is neurodivergence.

Here are some of my quirks or 'symptoms' for want of a better word:

Hyper fixate on a random food and will have that for breakfast lunch and dinner for weeks on end.
I don't like being touched too much, in relationships, with DD. I give plenty of affection and I love snuggling with DD, but I can very abruptly become touched out.
I feel emotions very irrationally sometimes. I go from one extreme to another, for example I can be fine when hugging someone but the next minute I want to be left alone.
I pick my skin until it bleeds and pick my hairs on my head and eyebrows. I have to wear acrylic nails to stop me.
Impulsive buying and purchases (I've controlled this better now)
I think everyone else's life looks so much more put together and organised than mine.

VERY poor time management - but this is never the case at work. I excel at work.
I struggle to sit still.
I can never get into a TV series as I get bored, I really struggle to watch telly.
Poor sleep.
I (hate to admit this) have lack of empathy. It's not that I don't recognise situations are sad or upsetting, and I offer comfort. But my brain can't compute how to feel sad for that person. But that may be due to my trauma maybe?
Cannot multitask at all and get very overwhelmed very easily unless I have a specific plan to overcome the tasks.
A lot of simple things don't add up to me. For an example, a big part of my job is to answer Inbound calls, I work in a small team. We have a time frame to answer the calls and are on a group teams chat. If the phone is ringing out people will write 'can't get, I'm on the phone' but in my brain, I think 'well duh, obviously you're on the phone otherwise you'd have answered the one coming in' - I can't compute it and think it's a waste of time.

On the outside world nobody would ever think this. I guess this is what masking is?

Perhaps I'm just a bit strange, I don't know. The list above could go on forever but there are some examples. I was put in the additional needs class in infant school for 1 year, but my parents took me out of that class and put me into the other mainstream classes, against the school wishes.

AIBU to think there could be some ND at play here? The strange thing is, I think it has only progressed or got more noticeable to me during adulthood. The examples I've listed above have mainly only been from adulthood. Can you develop ND later on in life?
Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you!

Hi OP, you could be ND but no one on here can diagnose of course. Have you looked at the online tests at all? There's a great one which is quite reliable. It's called the AQ test (Autism Spectrum Quotient test) Give it a go and depending on your score you could enquire with your GP or go to a private provider if you can afford it. There's a long wait though. I'm a big believer that it is very important to know yourself and a diagnosis can help you to fully understand who you are.

Thank you, I'll do the test today once DD is in bed and I can concentrate - will be interested to see the answers.

I'm so much kinder to myself now I know I'm not just shit at life. It's explained so much and my confidence and self esteem are so much higher. Meds reduce my anxiety and help me focus. I'm got reasonable adjustments in place at work that out me on a level playing field with my peers.

You don't actually need a diagnosis to get adjustments, and you don't have to declare any diagnoses, you just need to have support needs. You can also apply to access to work for funding for these adjustments.

Your first sentence really resonates. I most of the time feel like I'm shit at life. Everyone looks so much more put together than me, organised.. I just feel like I'm floating a lot of the time. Work are great to me, and I do excel at work but I do have to put on a big front at work. It's a huge office with 500+ in and I really hate being around so many people but they do want me back in the office more. Without being outing, one of my most resent 'events' happened with links to work, with a certain member of staff (who is not coming back after such events) but I feel so overwhelmed with big places at is is. I just can't bring myself to go in and now I've got used to my routine of being home I'm really struggling to get out of it. It's not a case of I can't be bothered or don't want to, it's something more than that and I feel jittery and weird, on high alert almost.

I do wonder how much of this is down to maybe high cortisol levels. I want to get that checked.

You say you didn't really have any symptoms as a child? This would make a diagnosis highly unlikely as ND is a pervasive disorder. There has to be childhood symptoms for a diagnosis of ND.

This is really resonates with me. I too have childhood trauma and ongoing MH struggles as an adult. I have very similar symptoms/behaviours as you. I've been told I have PTSD and OCD and have had a lot of therapy. Despite really engaging in it and desperately wanting it to improve things for me, it never really has. I too have wondered about ND but wouldn't know where to start.

Yes you could be but it's hard to know as I think there is more at play than autism and adhd that get a lot of attention when probably there is more of a spectrum and subtlety to it.

I am late 30s and think I'm autistic and possibly ADHD, maybe also ocd. Like you it is only in later life it has become I may be ND even though I have always been different. I am thinking of going for diagnosis too.

Some of my symptoms in case it's useful for you in any way

I struggle with social situations. It almost seems to be a timing thing working out how to get the level right in terms of familiarity. I sometimes don't know when the conversation is over, can be too formal or can overshare. Sometimes I say too much and other times I say little as I'm worried about saying the wrong thing and then can come across as rude. I can be blunt and abrupt. I can be overstimulated by noise, being touched, people being too close to me and strangely smells bother me even cooking smells. Lighthearted conversation feels like something I am only just learning or have learned in the past few years.

I do have empathy for others but struggle to express it and found I was somehow on the outside particularly in whatsapp groups as I often said the wrong thing or didn't engage with certain sorts of message or would focus on the facts rather than reading between the lines and showing empathy the way others do. There is something known as the double empathy problem you may find interesting to look
up.

At home I like things a certain way, have my favourite places to sit, will only use particular bowls and cutlery, and get very stressed by people even DC talking to me while I'm doing something and this also happens at work. I'm really organised in some ways and have a demanding job but in other ways I can be disorganised and struggle not to be late although I hate lateness and am rarely very late.

I can become a bit obsessed with things like if I'm planning a party for the DC or a holiday or buying Christmas gifts it takes over for a few months and I'll go on about it.

At work I do work better alone and don't like being interrupted or called as I like to do things in my own time. I struggle to answer queries sometimes if the sender does not spell out what the situation is and what they need.

Similar to you, despite all the above, I think most people would be surprised and even my DH doesn't believe my autistic.

Sorry this is long - monologuing is also typical of autistic people and now I've looked into it more I notice these traits in others.

I may well have done but I don't really remember. I was put in t!3 additional needs class in year one but moved back at the request of my parents in year two or three

Sounds like you should explore this further. If you are already open to therapy then it might be worth going on BACP and looking for someone with a specialism in ND.

Also charities like ADHD UK (there are others) have lots of Teams seminars on different topics where you can join if you pay £1.

I would do some reading around the subjects and or reach out.

I think you might also have OCD.

@Mill3nnial

Wow your post, I've never related to something so much! I will reply to this properly once I've sorted DD but I just wanted t0 acknowledge it and say I totally hear you on everything you said.

@Manchegos what a horrible, disgusting, judgemental post. You have no idea what that poster or my mental health looks like. I've purposely not included mine as I don't think it's relevant. We are absolutely within our rights to get a medical opinion, that's what they're there for, and that's what I'm going to do.

My Autistic DSs psychologist recommended this site, it has several different tests you can use to see if you're possibly Autistic. https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/
She said the cat-q can be really useful for women who mask well. It's also got the AQ on there and several other tests used to diagnose Autism and ADHD in adults. All my DC are autistic, DS psychologist has raised the idea that it might be worth me looking at, I have a lot of sensory issues, and diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, so I do struggle with social things. I think I probably have ADD, I relate to ADHD a lot, Autism not so much. I got just into the Autistic range on the AQ, but I've been really sick and left an abusive relationship and I've rarely socialised in the last 2 years and I couldn't really answer the cat-q. I've decided I'm going to do what I did for my kids when waiting to get an assessment done and write down things that come to mind that might be causes by being ND and try and approach it as a logic problem.

A medical opinion for being a bit socially awkward? A medical opinion for liking to sit in a particular place? A medical opinion for being disorganised (yet functioning well at work?).

None of this stuff is affecting that poster’s life in any serious way and if they feel it is they need to get some perspective. If they have other mental health issues they should seek help for those, but there is absolutely no need for them to be taking up valuable specialist time for the list of absolutely normal behaviours in their post.

It's not the behaviours I themselves that cause the problems, it's the drive and compulsion behind them and the way it dominates thinking and impacts on living a normal life. It's a disadvantage to be ND in a neurotypical world.
But yes a a GP isn't the best starting point, trained specialists are needed.

GP can refer to specialists though, not everyone has £2-3k available to go private.

EVERYONE could dig into their lives and find examples of funny little rituals or quirks like that posters. Everyone except a very small minority of phenomenally confident extroverts has to put in effort into social interactions, often says the wrong thing or misunderstands. Often feels exhausted afterwards. And so on.

What I am saying is that the world is actually designed by and for people like that poster describes, i.e. people with a totally normal range of personality traits. Should everyone see a doctor about it?

I think there is this sense from people who have self-diagnosed ND based on very minimal evidence that everyone else is out there fitting in perfectly their entire lives and breezing through every social situation and being perfectly on top of everything all the time. It’s not the case. Those people are actually a tiny minority.

Also, that poster does seem to be “living a normal life”. In what way is she not?

If she comes back and says she has an uncontrollable meltdown if she can’t use her favourite bowl then we can talk. Otherwise she’s just a person with preferences, like all of us.

The poster who said she could relate so much to that list of traits/behaviours - well of course she could. So could many or even most people! It’s all normal.

I know for whatever reason it is important to some people to hear that they are NOT normal. That they are special and unique and have an experience only other special and unique people can understand. But that is an indulgence and should be at their own expense.

Actually, neurodivergence isn't the tiny minority you think it is. Around 20-25% of the population are. Not sure why you're being so against the possibility of this including the op.

@onehundredredroses there are a couple of things that have really helped me in work, and the main one is active noise cancelling headphones. They make being in the office more bearable. I would have a chat with your manager in your next 121 about your difficulties and ask for a referral to occupational health. You don't need a diagnosis for this.

Some of my adjustment are:

Headphones as above - Bluetooth so I can move around
Working from home as much as possible
Advanced warning of meetings and what they're about
Follow up emails for tasks that are clear, concise and bullet pointed
Weekly check ins with line manager
If manager wants to speak to me, they message first with what it's about (stops me catastrophising that I've fucked up and an going to be sacked)
Extra breaks when I lose focus so I can move my body and get rid of the jitters in my legs
Overall, crystal clear communication so I know exactly what's expected of me
I use my calender religiously, and have reminders of my breaks and lunch to cut into when I'm hyperfocusing as I forget to eat or drink.

With the above, it's actually less work for my manager, as I'm supported, know what I'm doing and not anxious that I'm getting things wrong. Because he's now aware of the areas I excel in, I actually lead my team in tasks. I do have to remind him occasionally that I need these things in place and generally get a huge apology!

There's other things that can help with access to work funding, such as work coaches and software.

I did not say ND was a tiny minority. I said people who have always felt like they fit in perfectly and are socially confident at all times and have their shit together are a tiny minority.

Not being in that tiny minority doesn’t necessarily make you ND. It just makes you normal.

Hi OP, yes you sound like one of us ND people. I wouldn't be surprised if you are autistic and have ADHD.

I apologise, I misread. However, I still don't understand why you're so against the possibility of the op being Nd and exploring it when it doesn't personally impact you.

I forgot to say, I'm in my 50s and a lot of people can't understand why I bothered with an autism assessment but I have found it a massive relief and very validating. I understand myself better and when others comment on my behaviour, I am able to explain that it is an autistic trait, rather than me trying to be awkward or rude or some other undesirable thing .