To be really really pissed off with my Son's Bus drivers and the parent?

[PinkChaires]

Background- DS is 10 and is profoundly disabled- autistic with global developmental delay, never a word spoken, understanding of maybe an 18 -24 month old. Is violent towards himself but never others. Makes stimming 'Ahhhhhh' sounds which are yes very loud.

He has a new bus this year to get to school and the driver and the lady who helps have been really disrespectful. They constantly complain about his noises but honestly what do they expect with special needs kids? His special interest and the thing that calms his is being in a car/bus so the long bus ride is really enjoyable for him. He didn't want to get off one day and on the bus ride home both the driver and the lady were being quite rude going on and on about how they were late to get home/ to second job. But again I believe this should be expected when taking a job which involves special needs? Also, when i collect him from the bus they always say 'hurry hurry hurry'- i come literally the second they honk the horn!

Separate issue- school is divided into different sections for kids who are high functioning/low functioning. DS has violent loud tantrum where he hits himself. A parent whos child is high functioning has messaged me on class dojo complaining that ' my son move to this school so that he could get away from the busyness and noises of mainstream but yours is ruining it for him' im really annoyed- i think she should have expected there would be kids with a higher need than her sons?

That doesn't mean he wants to spend his off the clock time dealing with a child that isn't his. Does he have to have the bus back at a certain time? I do have some sympathy for the bus driver but he still has to be respectful to your son and work with the school for a solution.

This is really worth exploring.

Same here.

OP, you mentioned that "on the bus ride home both the driver and the lady were being quite rude going on and on about how they were late to get home/ to second job." I am curious why you know this, given that your child can't have told you and you weren't on the bus?

To what extent are the driver and assistant realistically expected to cajole a non responsive child from the bus. If the bus, or school for that matter, cater to other special needs children. At what point are their needs not being met, or their problems exacerbated by your childs behaviour.

I'd suggest a look at how to meet the needs of the many should be considered alongside the best way of dealing with your son and his issues. Perhaps travelling by bus or group teaching isn't suitable.

You need to speak to school so they can help with him getting off bus if needed.
I would complain to school in writing and loop them in about the rude parent

Op I am sorry this is happening to you and your son. I would speak to the school about all of these issues. The very fact that it is a bus for SEN children should mean more time is allowed for collection and drop offs. It can't be your son that is the only child that causes a delay. I work at a SEN school and witness delays daily, could be a medical reason, meltdown, anything but this is factored into the time the driver and PA are contracted for.

The other parent should not have messaged you directly. Please show the message to the school. The school also need to work with your son on getting him off the bus. I would arrange a meeting to discuss all of these issues. None of these are yours or your sons fault.

Maybe the other mother is just a mother at the end of her tether. Who has struggled for so long to get her child the help they need and has watched her child self destruct in mainstream. She finally thinks she has got a solution but it's not and her child is still suffering because of the behaviour of others. It's not OK to blame the OP's boy as he cannot help it but people in despair do silly things, it doesn't make her terrible.

Given that your command of English is debatable given how difficult this post was to understand, should we also assume your emotional intelligence is low?

Foreign (or even native) language skills and emotional intelligence have no correlation. Check your xenophobia.

This is why my husband who has been an SEN teacher all his life is thinking of starting a transport business. He says parents and children are being let down. He saw is so much when teaching.

My friend is a driver for a very similar group of children, his contract is paid by the council at a significantly higher rate than a standard mini bus fair, it's to account for the fact that nobody is expecting times to run smoothly.

They don't sound like they are fit for the job.

I'd probably speak to the school about them all, as for the other mum, that sounds like an abuse of the dojo system to me.

All 3 people are being utter dicks. I would complain to transport and school about the attitude of the driver and escort as they frankly need to have far more patience for the children under their care.

The other parent.., wow what a twat. Block them if you can- I have class dojo and had no idea parents could message each other on there, thought it was just between staff and parents but surely must be possible to block. But also let your child’s teacher know this parent has sent this very hurtful, unnecessary message. My son is at a special school and I don’t think any of the staff would be ok with one parent harassing another like that. Completely unacceptable.

It was awful of the other mother to contact OP. If her DS's needs aren't being met then she needs to speak to the school. What exactly does she think OP can do about it? That after 10 years a mean message from another parent will be the thing that means OP can suddenly stop her child self harming? You would hope that parents of other DC at a special school would have empathy for the various difficulties the children face.

So many posts along these lines on this thread that seem to come down to "OP, tell your son not to be autistic for ten minutes every day as he's inconveniencing the bus driver". 🙄

Sorry i meant when he got home and they dropped him off to my house

No, but as the parent of autistic children, I know that sometimes arrangements need to be looked at so they work for everyone, with some give and take. I certainly don't expect anyone to work for free because of our needs, and never have. The bus driver has a life to consider too.

There has been no problems until now with bus travel, i know some of the other kids on the bus and they also sometimes may not get off the bus according to parents, they all have a similar need to DS. Also, its the teachers trying to get him down as they are the ones trained to deal with him but apparently driver and lady cannot go until all kids get off.

Ds is not taught with this child, child would be in a completely different section of school. But obviously he has his loud stimming noises and occasionally violent tantrums that im guessing the child may have heard/seem on the corridor.

Oh gosh, OP. This sounds really difficult and you've had some unsympathetic responses on here.

The other parent - block and report to the school. It probably did come from a place of frustration but they were completely inappropriate to message you directly. They need to speak to the school about their concerns that it doesn't meet his needs. Which is not the fault of your son.

The bus - has your son always taken a long time to get off? If so, and you've worked with the school to try and improve this but not been successful, then the drivers need to incorporate it into their route time. Just as they would if his physical needs meant he needed more time with getting on and off. If you haven't, however, then you do need to try and explore how this could be changed with the support of his school staff / the therapy team.
Regarding the noises, yes I would expect this in special needs transport. The driver needs to speak with the school or his manager about why it's a problem for him. Maybe it just isn't the right job for him.

Good luck!

The 10 minutes happens occasionally maybe once every two weeks if he's having a bad run or if hes had a long period off school. But sometimes he can go months without refusing to get off

It's going to be so difficult with children with such different needs but it's on the school to manage this. Either a separate bus for those who can't handle the stimming noises, definitely any extra time to get kids off the bus should be built into the contract of the driver. There are going to be kids having meltdowns so the school has to find a way to accommodate those who become stressed by it. Are they not doing this well? Is it a funding issue?

This time needs to be built into the driver's contract so it's not a pressure for him to move on. If he's then grumpy about it he can be spoken to since it's time on the clock for him.

It's whoever arranges the transport needs to pay them for a longer amount of time, if they're paid hourly and finish at x time I personally don't believe they should just be content to work for free because they know it happens with SEN children; of course similarly it does happen- the fault it with the provider who doesn't account for this.

The child isnt on my sons bus , in fact i cant really see where the two would meet but im guessing because ds ( and the people in his class) is very loud they hear on the corridors or the sound travels

This issue is really the school's to manage though. Don't take on more than is yours. Refer the other mother to the school and try to put it aside (not easy, I know). She wasn't realistic if she thought her son was going to have a quiet environment without other children making noise at times.