Excluded from grandchildren's life

[GrandmDEA]

I'm going to try and keep this short but I have 3 sons, one of them moved abroad many years ago for work, it was meant to be short term but he fell in love with a girl 10 years his junior, married her 9 months later and they had a child a year after that. A couple of years ago this same country that they were living in and she was from ended up in a war, they moved to the UK with their 2 children immediately. They live in London, fairly central, they pay way below market rate in rent as someone he works with owns it but it is a tiny 2 bed and they have 2 children, one who has just turned 5 and the other just turned 3.
We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.
This year we have seen our grandchildren 2 times, we only live an hour away but they don't let us visit, if we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy. If we ask to go up to see them it is always "no the house is too small for guests". My sons is meant to bring them to see us once a month but most times he ends up coming alone with some excuse. We haven't seen his wife since Christmas!
Our son was meant to be bringing them to see us tomorrow, we have spent £100s on birthday gifts for them as they both had birthdays at the very end of August. Today he has messaged saying sorry we can't come the girls will be too tired after a week at school/nursery, we will see you during half term! This happens every time.
We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family, putting them through 24 hours of travel to get there and back! My son never goes with her and I don't think he actually agrees with her but lets her do it anyway. It stresses me out when she takes them to there, I worry for their safety so I have voiced that I don't agree with it. We obviously also got off on the wrong foot with the lack of wedding invite to anyone in our family. We only mention things that concern us out of care but it is always taken as an insult.

AIBU to be really hurt they keep excluding us? The grandchildren have spent several weeks this year with their maternal family and they all live in a war torn country, but barely 2 half days with us who live much closer!

Any compassion for this poor young mum? Your grandchildren are literally half-Ukrainian, OP. The war affects them directly. They have grandparents over there too! They are enormously lucky to be alive, your DIL will be struggling enormously with constant news reports and 2.5 years of wondering if her family are OK, and all she's got is contempt from her in-laws whose racism is showing.

People re very harsh to the OP. It is extremely hurtful not to be invited to a wedding, and clearly the OP had not done anything to the DIL previously as they had never met. It sounds like your son married a controlling woman and is completely under her thumb.

It's not fair to question, you've stuck your nose in at every single angle.

I'm afraid the gold digger accusation is not really something you get to apologise for and move on from. I think you need to make peace with not seeing your grandchildren and just be grateful for whatever time you are afforded with them.

Let me guess, the presents you’ve got for the children are ones that you’ve picked out. Did you ask your son what the children wanted/needed for their birthdays? Does he know what you’ve got?

You said you’ve spent £££ on birthday gifts, are they large by any chance?

Why didn’t you send them?

clearly the OP had not done anything to the DIL previously

@Greenfinch7 apart from badmouth her to all and sundry you mean?

You are the problem OP,you sound judgemental,selfish and entitled.

How do you know what her type was? She was in her twenties and so was your son.
There are lots of couples with 9 years as an age gap. It's not like your son was in his late 30s. And why does her being very attractive come as a worry? Can only unattractive women fall in love with men a bit older than them?

The misogyny is dripping from your comments, not to mention the racism. You made a huge mistake and while you apologised, you didn't really believe you'd said anything wrong, and you still don't - that's clear.

And that's why they want nothing to do with you.

It is a truly horrible thing to imply that someone your son loves is after him for his money. Even if you think it, you do not say it! Do you not know this???

Apologising doesn't make a difference.

She probably doesn’t want to open herself up to criticism. Why would she?

We expressed concern that the relationship may not be built on honest motives, due to her age and back ground , either of those on their own would not have provoked the same questions.

'Background.'

You mean the racist assumption you made that all attractive Eastern European women are only interested in western men for their money?

Call it what it was, OP. You were racist, xenophobic and anti-slavic.

You reap what you sow. Good on her for not taking your crap.

I would hate it if my 21y daughter married a man ten years older I have to say. But I am not a fan of age gaps like this when the woman is so young still. The power dynamic isn’t right.

I took our children to Australia to see grandparents several times from when they were babies. It took 48 hrs door to door.

You've transferred your anger at your son to his wife and you're surprised that he's doubled down and doesn't want to have much of a relationship with you?!

It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong here. If you want any relationship with your son you need to take a massive step back and make some apologies now. You need to accept their boundaries and stop with the judgement. He's an adult now and he can choose whether or not to have you in his life.

Just in response to this part of your OP

"My sons is meant to bring them to see us once a month but most times he ends up coming alone with some excuse. "

What do you mean by this? Have you complained about the lack of visits and told him that you'd like to see him/them at least monthly leaving him feeling like he had no choice but to aquiesce? And now he keeps failing to keep up with an arrangment which he didn't want to be part of and never agreed to - another black mark against him?

I live in a family with a dynamic like this - were the only 'right' thing to do is to tow the PIL's line and not following their schedules and rules is immediately met with coldness, sulking and comments about how 'difficult' we are being and how difficult DH has always been.

But op those words will offend. They may even be true, but they will still offend.

When you say things that offend, you often get cut out. You may have said them out of love or concern, but there’s still a risk of fallout, and that’s the price you pay for taking that risk. It’s just being disingenuous to expect the DIL to think “fair enough: I am actually a gold digger and only marrying him for x reason so I owe it to the parents to just ignore it.” Humans just don’t work like that. You’ve accused - perhaps rightly - and this is the result.

You seem to struggle with the idea that it is not your right to tell your adult child how to live his life, who to marry and how to raise his children.

If you have a close, supportive relationship, having an open discussion with your adult child about their life choices is fine and can even be helpful to them. But it's a discussion - not you telling them your view. You listen to them, ask open ended questions, show interest in their views, gently raise alternative views etc. You don't start by telling him his wife is only with him for the money. It's never going to go well.

Can't grandparents worry about their grandchildren's safety? Sure. But that doesn't mean you need to share your worries with them. Do you really think they are unaware there is a war in Ukraine?

And you clearly do not have the sort of relationship with them where any sort of comment is going to go down well so my suggestion is that you stop making any. Just stop. If the kid is about to be hit by a bus, you can shout to warn them but otherwise just don't express an opinion on how they should be doing things.

One day, if you rebuilt a good relationship with them, they might be open to discussions on parenting choices but you have a long way to go first

You seem to blame your DIL for all of this, you say she has no respect, but you lay absolutely no blame at the feet of your son. It's his job, not hers to ensure his children have a relationship with his family, she goes to lots of effort to ensure her children have a relationship with her family!

It's quite clear that you just dislike her, they have picked up on it and your son has decided to protect his wife from his parents who make her feel really shit when she visits. You don't see your DIL because of you and your actions, you don't see your grandchildren because of your son! None of this is your DILs fault.

Wow you are far far too involved. Expressing concerns that the relationship might not be build on honest motives on her part??? Due to her age and background?

I wouldn’t speak to you again either.

Being Eastern European doesn’t make someone automatically dishonest?? You sound severely racist. Your son’s probably lucky to have her. WOW

Also who are you to guess what anyone’s type is?

I'm a Grandmother too and was ready to empathise OP but I can't. You are getting way too involved in your son's life, choice of partner and their DCs. It's not up to you to pass judgement on any of these things you have mentioned here. Your son chose his partner. It's none of your business if you think she isn't his type!
Obviously if a very attractive much younger woman is showing an interest in someone who would generally not be seen as their type or who is clearly much better off financially it is fair to question. We apologised when we were told we were wrong.
Not fair to question at all. He is a grown man fgs.
Even if you did apologise, the damage was done.
If she wants to take her children to see her family then that is up to her too. I very much doubt she would put her own children into a serious dangerous situation so she obviously feels comfortable with going to her home town.

Seriously, you need to stop passing judgement. Maybe then they might let you back into their lives but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.
You only have yourself to blame.

We never explicitly called her anything. We expressed concern that the relationship may not be built on honest motives, due to her age and back ground , either of those on their own would not have provoked the same questions

Wow. That's shocking.

Obviously if a very attractive much younger woman is showing an interest in someone who would generally not be seen as their type or who is clearly much better off financially it is fair to question

Double wow.

And there we have it.

No wonder the woman cannot abide you. You're a racist, classist person. And I expect your husband is just as bad.

You're a misogynist, too. You commented that your son "lets" his wife take their children abroad. She doesn't need his permission.

Oh dear. You implied that your DIL was after your son for reasons other than love. Your continued disapproval of her and they way she parents her children are just nails in this coffin.

Very hard to come back from that.

At the very least you need to understand and own your sizeable part in this, then you need to sincerely express your apologies to your son, and if you get any further , to his wife.

You dont seem to be able to grasp the concept of being how to be a grandparent. Your role is not to judge and make life difficult. It is to stand by, be supportive and to enjoy your grandchildren.

Your son and his wife have made it very clear they do not appreciate your involvement in family decisions and it has gotten to the point where it is easier for them to cut you out rather than put up with it.

If you want a relationship with your grandchildren my only advice would be to apologise to your son. Assure him you no longer have an opinion on his own families decisions and ask that you be allowed some time with your grandchildren.

You have shown that you are divisive in nature. Your son may not agree with his wife taking his sons to her homeland. BUT it is the kind of decision a family unit has to make sometimes. Its difficult enough for your son and a grandmother has no place encouraging her son to take sides. His only side is with his wife.

Step back, try to apologise and build trust.