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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from grandchildren's life

608 replies

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:09

I'm going to try and keep this short but I have 3 sons, one of them moved abroad many years ago for work, it was meant to be short term but he fell in love with a girl 10 years his junior, married her 9 months later and they had a child a year after that. A couple of years ago this same country that they were living in and she was from ended up in a war, they moved to the UK with their 2 children immediately. They live in London, fairly central, they pay way below market rate in rent as someone he works with owns it but it is a tiny 2 bed and they have 2 children, one who has just turned 5 and the other just turned 3.
We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.
This year we have seen our grandchildren 2 times, we only live an hour away but they don't let us visit, if we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy. If we ask to go up to see them it is always "no the house is too small for guests". My sons is meant to bring them to see us once a month but most times he ends up coming alone with some excuse. We haven't seen his wife since Christmas!
Our son was meant to be bringing them to see us tomorrow, we have spent £100s on birthday gifts for them as they both had birthdays at the very end of August. Today he has messaged saying sorry we can't come the girls will be too tired after a week at school/nursery, we will see you during half term! This happens every time.
We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family, putting them through 24 hours of travel to get there and back! My son never goes with her and I don't think he actually agrees with her but lets her do it anyway. It stresses me out when she takes them to there, I worry for their safety so I have voiced that I don't agree with it. We obviously also got off on the wrong foot with the lack of wedding invite to anyone in our family. We only mention things that concern us out of care but it is always taken as an insult.

AIBU to be really hurt they keep excluding us? The grandchildren have spent several weeks this year with their maternal family and they all live in a war torn country, but barely 2 half days with us who live much closer!

OP posts:
Monkeysatonthewall · 27/09/2024 21:06

Runnerinthenight · 27/09/2024 20:57

Ya think? Pathetic. Pot/kettle much?

Turns out it was highly relevant anyway, so ya boo! 😂

Edited
Show quote history

What? What are you actually trying to say?

It was highly relevant that the OP mentioned the age, you were the one criticising someone for bringing it up and now you're 'shaming' me because it was highly relevant?

Are you drunk?

Runnerinthenight · 27/09/2024 21:08

Devonshiregal · 27/09/2024 20:51

I have family members like you and honestly I can say this to them and they will always think they’re right. So I’ll say it to you, in the hopes SOMEONE actually hears this and can sort their family out.

YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. You are meddlesome. And you ALWAYS think you’re right. If you have an opinion you think it’s fact. If you have an opinion, you think it’s fine for you to air it…because it’s YOUR opinion and therefore it’s deserves airing I guess? Who knows.

what I do know is that in your post you have put yourself in the victim seat at every turn.

youve mentioned her 10 years younger age in a dismissive judgemental way. you’ve said she has no respect for your family but clearly you judged this relationship from the get go.

you talk about how small their house is in a judgemental way. Either help them out financially (generously with no strings) or shut up and tell them their home is lovely (yes, believe it or not, you can tell white lies to make them feel less judged). It’s fucking hard to live now and people are seriously struggling. Not to mention people who come from a country at war!

you bleat on about how you spent 100s of pounds n the grandchildren - they’re your fucking grandchildren! You’re supposed to buy them birthday presents! a) you set your own budget and don’t have to spend that much if you can’t afford to… and b) they didn’t make you! You did it by choice yet you’re lording it over them like you deserve adoration? Strings, strings, strings. Not to mention the fact that as a couple who are struggling probably financially and no doubt emotionally and psychologically (you know, what with her country being torn to shreds and all) so frankly having your parents/in laws swanning in and spending a shit tonne of money on the kids like they’re amazing people coming to the rescue with all their money and time to shop…well let’s just say it probably doesn’t sit well. When people think they’re so amazing because they swoop in and buy your kids love it’s pretty fucking annoying and just ridiculously insensitive.

then you go on about how youuu feel about her taking the kids to a war torn country…. Ok please. Just shut up. Honestly. And I mean that in a literal way. Like be quiet about this topic. Who are you to give your opinion on this? Was your opinion asked?? Do you think they just casually went yeaaah let’s put the kids in danger? I’m sure they went back and forth and agonised over it and she’s scared. Im going to hazard a guess she wants her kids to know her family?

Whats also noteworthy is the fact you don’t talk about missing your son.You don’t talk about how desperate you are to see him. You just want access to the grandkids. How do you think this makes him feel? And how do you think she feels knowing you don’t give a shit about getting to know her, you just want to get to the kids she produced.

id confidently guess you’ve often dispproved of your son and this isn’t the first time you’ve judged him and thought your opinion should have been adhered to because you just can’t be wrong.
either that Or he’s such a wet blanket that you’re used to him being your minion and don’t like that another woman has replaced you.

people don’t cut their families off for no reason.

you have a choice. You apologise profusely and say you’ve seen the error of your ways. And then you tiptoe around to make the relationship better. And get to see your grandkids. OR you continue on thinking you’re the victim and they’re so evil and mean and cut you off from your grandkids. But then you won’t have any relationship with them. So like I said, it’s your choice.

Show quote history

Firstly, this is NOT your family member so the projection is not necessary!

Most loving parents can air their opinions in an appropriate way without causing a rift.

Don't you think normal parents would have their reservations about a relationship where the wife is very young, and considerably younger than their son?

I don't believe the OP was judgemental at all about their small accommodation - she referred to them getting it for a cheap rate. I doubt they are struggling that much financially given their low cost rental, and the fact that they can fly to Ukraine several times a year (which may I point out I have no issue with before anyone starts!)

I think any loving grandparents would be worried about their grandchildren spending time in a wartorn country! They are perfectly entitled to do that, but the OP is perfectly entitled to be worried.

Ah listen I can't be bothered going through the rest of your post because you are projecting so much!

People DO cut their families off for no reason, or at least, a trivial reason.

And I am assuming the OP has a good relationship with her other two sons because she sees them so regularly and minds their children. It must be very hurtful to see that little boy you gave birth to and brought up to be a man, to turn his back on you to this extent.

Runnerinthenight · 27/09/2024 21:08

Monkeysatonthewall · 27/09/2024 21:06

What? What are you actually trying to say?

It was highly relevant that the OP mentioned the age, you were the one criticising someone for bringing it up and now you're 'shaming' me because it was highly relevant?

Are you drunk?

Show quote history

Are you?! 😂😂😂

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 27/09/2024 21:09

Runnerinthenight · 27/09/2024 20:57

Ya think? Pathetic. Pot/kettle much?

Turns out it was highly relevant anyway, so ya boo! 😂

Edited
Show quote history

Wtf is this

Runnerinthenight · 27/09/2024 21:09

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 27/09/2024 21:09

Wtf is this

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Oh you again. Great.

BurbageBrook · 27/09/2024 21:11

YANBU to worry for your GC, it's a highly unwise decision to take them home. But there's sadly not much you can do about it.

Nextdoor55 · 27/09/2024 21:11

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 27/09/2024 13:13

Maybe if you reread your post you will see why they stay away. . Sadly you have voiced opinions you should have kept to yourself. I haven't seen my dgc for 5 years as ds never forgave me for stuff from his childhood. I knew the nc was coming so was mentally prepared.. Sorry you also find yourself without them all. But ultimately your ds can do this.

I agree & I could have written this, I've not seen my dGC for 5 years either. Waiting for them to grow up so I can try and reconcile

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 27/09/2024 21:11

People DO cut their families off for no reason, or at least, a trivial reason.

Yes, that is sometimes true. But OPs posts very clearly show there are a bunch of reasons here. None of which she seems to be able to see.

BurbageBrook · 27/09/2024 21:12

And the OP has pushed it because she is worrying for her grandchildren's actual lives.

You've had a really unfair pasting here OP just because you have had the temerity to be a MIL with a (sensible) opinion. And I say that as a thirty something who normally sees the DIL perspective.

Jingleballs2 · 27/09/2024 21:17

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:17

Yes and it Is 24 hours from leaving London to arriving in Kyiv. They fly to Krakow, then get a train to a town on the border then a 12 hour overnight train to Kyiv. Absolutely 24 hours and not fair on the children at all!

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But they probably actually have a relationship with theor family in Ukraine. Where as they clearly don't with you since you've met them twice.. I'm not surprised you don't see them with the way you talk about your son and his wife

Gagaandgag · 27/09/2024 21:21

Calliopespa · 27/09/2024 15:04

But op those words will offend. They may even be true, but they will still offend.

When you say things that offend, you often get cut out. You may have said them out of love or concern, but there’s still a risk of fallout, and that’s the price you pay for taking that risk. It’s just being disingenuous to expect the DIL to think “fair enough: I am actually a gold digger and only marrying him for x reason so I owe it to the parents to just ignore it.” Humans just don’t work like that. You’ve accused - perhaps rightly - and this is the result.

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I agree with this op.
Sorry you are getting a hard time I can see both sides. Have his brothers not been able to forge a stronger relationship with them?

MikeRafone · 27/09/2024 21:26

We never explicitly called her anything. We expressed concern that the relationship may not be built on honest motives, due to her age and back ground

You think they are stupid and didn't realise what you meant, then you don't get an invite to the wedding, you think they didn't notice because you didn't spell it out? Come on you've made comments since and then wonder why they won't come and visit?

You've made your son and DIL feel uncomfortable, you've made unsolicited remarks and they don't want to hear that type of stuff. You probably don't even realise how much you do make these comments.

In all honesty they probably are wary of having the children around you incase you say things without realising.

with the best will int he world you are going to have to let this go, your son has made a different life for himself. Stop pressuring him to visit, leave him alone - make sure he knows the door is always open to all of them. You need to accept that you don't have the relationship with him that you have with your other sons. You can love them all but not have the same relationship with them all.

The more you push the more damage you will do. Just let him know you are there should any of them need you.

Runnerinthenight · 27/09/2024 21:30

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 27/09/2024 21:11

People DO cut their families off for no reason, or at least, a trivial reason.

Yes, that is sometimes true. But OPs posts very clearly show there are a bunch of reasons here. None of which she seems to be able to see.

I think as much of the blame for that lies with the son! He could have acknowledged his parents' real concerns and not gone running telling tales out of school to his then-partner. He could have made sure his parents met his gf before they got married to reassure them. He could have invited his family to his wedding - and remember he didn't invite his brothers either - and he could have avoided causing a whole family rift.

HolyPeaches · 27/09/2024 21:30

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 14:56

We never explicitly called her anything. We expressed concern that the relationship may not be built on honest motives, due to her age and back ground , either of those on their own would not have provoked the same questions.
Obviously if a very attractive much younger woman is showing an interest in someone who would generally not be seen as their type or who is clearly much better off financially it is fair to question. We apologised when we were told we were wrong.

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Sounds like the damage was already done.

All you can do OP, is slowly, and genuinely try to build bridges.

Don’t dictate what is and is not safe for your grandchildren. Their mother is fine with taking them to Kyiv. So you should respect that.

Don’t turn up to their home unannounced and uninvited.

Instead, try and arrange a half-way meet up point as a family. Tell your son you would like to see your grandchildren and offer to arrange a day out.

Cedricsmum · 27/09/2024 21:41

As a grandparent it would break my heart not being able to see my grandchildren. However, although my grandchildren live less than 10 minutes from me, I would never visit uninvited. I didn’t appreciate this when my children were small and their grandparents did it to me. Maybe it’s just me but I accept that it’s not just about my needs and wants.

samarrange · 27/09/2024 21:45

C152 · 27/09/2024 19:34

Are you the OP's best mate?

Where did you get 30hrs from? Even the OP said total travel time was 24hrs, and I'm really not placing a lot of faith in that estimate.

How is it selfish for a mother to take her children to their native country and see their grandparents and other family???

And "third world"????!!!

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Where did you get 30hrs from? Even the OP said total travel time was 24hrs, and I'm really not placing a lot of faith in that estimate.

30 hours was mentioned by @SJM1988 for her own planned trip to Australia. And for what it's worth, London to Kyiv is not far short of 24 hours at the moment, with a long slow trip from the Polish border by train.

(Other than that I'm with you 100%.)

InterIgnis · 27/09/2024 21:54

Runnerinthenight · 27/09/2024 21:30

I think as much of the blame for that lies with the son! He could have acknowledged his parents' real concerns and not gone running telling tales out of school to his then-partner. He could have made sure his parents met his gf before they got married to reassure them. He could have invited his family to his wedding - and remember he didn't invite his brothers either - and he could have avoided causing a whole family rift.

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A family rift doesn’t seem an undesirable state of affairs for OP’s son, given that the way for there not to be a rift is seemingly for them to shut and do what they’re told.

OP may not have got off to a good start with his wife, but even aside from their obviously being history with her son not wanting her to meet his then-girlfriend or attend him the wedding, she’s got form for arguing with them about their decisions as if she gets a say in them. She doesn’t. She’s giving her opinions where they’re not wanted. She may not like the ones they’re making, but she doesn’t have to! They’re not her decisions to make.

OP is obviously free to share her opinions and argue the point if she wants, but then she has to accept the consequences of doing so is further estrangement.

GoldenLegend · 27/09/2024 21:56

viques · 27/09/2024 19:58

I use them because they measure the right amount of cat biscuits.

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same!

Dweetfidilove · 27/09/2024 21:57

InterIgnis · 27/09/2024 19:42

Who says he’s weak willed? This could be, in fact likely is given that he had distanced himself from
OP before he even met his wife, HIS will.

Not being controlled by his mother doesn’t mean he’s controlled by his wife.

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You may be correct, actually.

LBFseBrom · 27/09/2024 21:57

Grandm :

"We expressed concern that the relationship may not be built on honest motives, due to her age and back ground "

I 'get' the age bit but what is it about her background that made you uneasy, apart from being Ukrainian? I mean, was she a student, or working, educated?

LovePoppy · 27/09/2024 22:13

Greenfinch7 · 27/09/2024 14:59

People re very harsh to the OP. It is extremely hurtful not to be invited to a wedding, and clearly the OP had not done anything to the DIL previously as they had never met. It sounds like your son married a controlling woman and is completely under her thumb.

You think questioning her motives and implying she’s a gold digger is not doing anything?

Daschund · 27/09/2024 22:14

DH hasn't 'let' me do anything since we met. If my MIL alao had that opinion, I'd be VLC too. Your contempt for your DIL is palpable. I can't imagine you hide it much better IRL either.
Read your OP back from your DIL's viewpoint.

TwinklyNight · 27/09/2024 22:14

OP, if it were me, and those were my grandchildren, I would go to the postboffice and mail the birthday presents.
Do you have any video chats with them?

Learn to speak your dil's language if you can't converse with her or the kids in it.

Runnerinthenight · 27/09/2024 22:18

LovePoppy · 27/09/2024 22:13

You think questioning her motives and implying she’s a gold digger is not doing anything?

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It was a valid concern in the circumstances.

Greenfinch7 · 27/09/2024 22:21

LovePoppy · 27/09/2024 22:13

You think questioning her motives and implying she’s a gold digger is not doing anything?

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I think if my 30 year old son were marrying a 21 year old I had never met, I might voice some worries to him privately, and apologise for them later, as the OP did. It is very very upsetting and worrying to be so completely excluded from one's adult kids' life, and in my fairly extensive experience (I have quite a few close friends with adult children), it is not always the fault of the older generation.

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