To buy an engagement ring to NOT propose

[Blahblahgoat]

Let’s say you found your engagement ring. Then let’s say you found out your engagement ring was bought years ago (as in SIX years ago). You have been together 11 years, live together, have pets together and a kid together. He knows you want to get married.

Is it normal to keep hold of a ring for years and then propose? Or is holding onto a ring to just put off using it a huge red flag?

My head is spinning

Also, as you already have a life together it probably just seemed less important to him as the years went on. If you still want to get married I would tell him you found the ring and let him know it’s still something that’s important to you. It probably just fell way down his list of priorities after family life.

Is it a small diamond or a traditional ring and then not long after buying it he heard you say that if you ever received an engagement ring you would want a large diamond and something modern?

Then he felt he couldn't give it to you?

No it's not normal. Being given an heirloom for the right woman - perhaps you'd hold on to it but if you aren't the right woman in 11 years what's the point?
Buying it and holding on to it for the perfect moment for a year, perhaps.
But not buying it and stashing it in a drawer for half a decade.

This. He’s keeping his options open.

I’m not a fan of the ‘waiting for the man to propose’ scenario. Discuss it and decide together. I think you need to have a conversation about getting married, because at this point you’re just always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Are you sure the ring hasn't been there since before he knew you?

I found an old engagement ring amongst papers and photos while trying to find my husband's birth certificate. I asked him about it, and it was the one he had given the person he was engaged to in his early 20's.

Easily sorted, he gave it back to his mother who had given it to him in the first place because he was young and poor.

Unfortunately she then started wearing it! I did ask her not to, but can't remember whether she did or not, but I was so used to his family's shenanigans by then it didn't bother me.

The obvious answer to this is unfortunately that not committing to marriage keeps things separate to a point. It means if/when you split, the house you bought is straightforward 50/50 , it means you’re not entitled to any of his savings or money, it means you’re not entitled to any of his pension. Ultimately it protects him financially if he’s not sure it’s forever because put simply if he was sure it was forever there’s no reason he wouldn’t have proposed for years.

Sorry OP

He's "forgotten" about proposing to the love of his life and mother of his child? After he bought her an engagement ring....???

This.
I never would have bought a house without a marriage contract in place. My husband knew it was a deal breaker and that I would not be just a girlfriend to anyone.
If you're not happy having zero legal protections and being just a girlfriend, time for a decade long overdue talk. Unless you're a homeowner and financially secure, outearning the man, in which case, stay single 😁

Did he definitely buy it 6 years ago? Is it possible that he bought it recently second hand and the receipt was included as proof of provenance?
If it was him, I think it's as simple as if he wanted to he would. He's keeping his options open and that would be unforgivable for me. Though I wouldn't have stayed unmarried that long in the first place.

Sorry no, this is not normal. There are some very creative excuses and reasons on here but ultimately, he doesn't want to ask you to marry him (for whatever reason only he knows).

Also, please do NOT take the advice of posters who say "just start wearing the ring" 🙄That is as depressing as fuck. So a work colleague or friend sees it and gets all excited and asks how he proposed. And you have to admit that he hasn't....? And that you just found the ring hidden away and started wearing it? No.

I would broach it with him but would absolutely not force the issue. Just say you found it and ask what's going on. His reaction and response should tell you what you need to know.

Maybe he's nervous ? I like to give him the bebefit of a doubt here.. please ask him and tell us OP!

Age old story.
It's easy, it's nice playing house, it nice to have meals cooked, laundry done, the bed warmed. But is great to be able to keep the back door open when someone better comes along. But heck it's veryyyy convenient to play house with you. Not good enough to marry but def good enough to be around and play house with

Yes, this is a different thing to the usual why hasn't he/when will he propose threads. I'm usually a big advocate of women taking responsibility and raising the issue themselves, as there's no sense passively waiting when you're a decade, a kid and a property purchase in already. But him buying a ring several years ago is a big complicating factor!

Is there anything big going on in life op? I'm just wondering if he's been waiting for "the right" time which could easily be affected by finances or illness or arguments or other things. Would you financially be in a position to get married if he did propose? Do you argue? What does he say when you tell him you want to get married? I think you need to have a really direct conversation about your future and what you each see that looking like and what goals you both have and the time frames for those goals? Is the ring still in his possession? Is it possible he bought it and something happened to it and he can't afford to buy another?

I'm not sure I agree with the others saying you're miss for now not forever- you don't buy a house and have children unless you're committed to some degree, those things tie you in more than a marriage certificate. My thinking is that this is maybe about his own views of marriage, maybe feeling its not "needed" or that he can't justify the money you'd spend on it or a fear that marriage will "ruin" what you have irrationally.

You need to talk to him. Personally, at this point I'd be telling him that you found the receipt and you're curious why he went to the effort of buying it when he's not used it and you want to understand what the thought process behind that was as it seemed strange to you.

Guess you will only ever know If ask him

Where was he hidden ? Did you go searching ?

Have you discussed marriage recently ?

Well, the flip side is why would you choose to do all of those things without the protection and security of marriage?

Maybe he no longer sees the point of getting married now that he has all the benefits (house, kids, partner) without the financial risks 🤷‍♀️

@Lavender14 'those things tie you in more than a marriage certificate'

This is completely false. Having a kid is just a commitment to the child, a mortgage is a commitment to the bank. Look up citizens advice website for all the differences between marriage and legally single people sharing a house.

Well, why have you stayed with him for years, bought a house with him and had kids with him, but never committed to marrying him? I hate all the stupid 'romance' around proposals, it shouldn't be romantic, it's a financial discussion. Sit down and tell him you think you should get married, you don't want a big flashy wedding, you just want to be married to provide financial stability for your child. Have the discussion and if he produces the ring then start planning a wedding to happen within the next year. If he implies he doesn't want to get married in the next year by coming up with excuses or reasons to delay then there's your answer. Then you can decide what you want to do with full knowledge.

Maybe he just changed his mind.

If someone had asked me a year ago if I’d marry my partner I would have said yes. When the conversation became more serious I looked into the legal and financial ramifications of it all and realised I’d lose our big time if it went wrong.

We don’t own any joint property or have any DC together so as much as I love the man I’m looking out for my own financial interests.

Perhaps he is doing the same.

Obviously your situation is completely different in that you jointly own property and have a child.

Does he have DC from a previous relationship who’s financial interests he wants to protect?

Does he own a greater share of equity in the house?

Have there been problems in your relationship and he wants to ‘watch and wait’?

you don't buy a house and have children unless you're committed to some degree, those things tie you in more than a marriage certificate

That's really not the case - not legally anyway. An unmarried man can walk away, sell the house and just pay child support. They're not restricted by marriage and don't have to potentially lose their home to their partner.

Marriage is a massive legal commitment and I do think more men are becoming aware of that and what it means for them if the relationship ends. Being legally single is much less complicated and makes relationships a hell of a lot easier to end.

“Marriage is a massive legal commitment and I do think more men are becoming aware of that and what it means for them if the relationship ends”

Yes, and women. Basically the one that comes in with the least benefits the most in the event of divorce.

Marriage is an additional legal commitment on top of the ones they've already made. While it's possible to be married and have fewer commitments than an unmarried couple who own property and have DC together, that's not the case here. He's choosing to be less committed to OP than he would be if they were married.

pets are far better

I've been with my partner for the same amount of time and at one point I wanted to get married. I even bought a wedding dress (which now hangs in my sister's garage, and has for the last five years...). I don't want to marry now because financially I'd be much worse off if we split up and sadly I don't think this relationship will last my lifetime. In fairness, DP has not communicated that he wants to get married either, although in his case it's because he can't be bothered to organise a wedding. He did propose and I have a ring, but he never wanted to discuss organising it or set a date. I think if I did it all and paid for it all, he'd turn up.

Now, I'd have big moral qualms about this if DP really wanted to get married, or if the reason I outearn him was due to a joint decision (for example, if he had taken a career break to raise our DC). In those circumstances I think that avoiding the legal stuff for your own benefit is poor form.

So OP, you need to work out what's going on. Is it that he just can't be bothered, or is he looking to protect his assets? If the latter, are you ok with this, or would it unfairly disadvantage you given the time you've poured into the family? Have you told him you want to get married?

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

This is most men's attitudes.