To buy an engagement ring to NOT propose

[Blahblahgoat]

Let’s say you found your engagement ring. Then let’s say you found out your engagement ring was bought years ago (as in SIX years ago). You have been together 11 years, live together, have pets together and a kid together. He knows you want to get married.

Is it normal to keep hold of a ring for years and then propose? Or is holding onto a ring to just put off using it a huge red flag?

My head is spinning

Could it be a financial thing? Weddings can be expensive (they don't have to be, but maybe he has preconceptions about the price tag). Maybe he bought the ring intending to propose, but then your DC came along, and he thought better to wait until you could afford your dream wedding / honeymoon? No idea of your financial circumstances of course, just a thought.

Not the point but when I read your list I didn't expect kid to be on there after pets.

Well surely you can answer why do women?

I disagree,we got married after 13 years and are together 21 now...

However,I would not know what to think if I found out the engagement ring was bought years prior.Its very strange and not something you would forget you bought.Id have to ask,I couldn't hold it in!

No I don't think that's normal. Either he's changed his mind or was on the fence when he bought it. What explanation has he given?

Most people don't do that these days.

A bit?? Who goes to the effort of buying an engagement ring then doesn't propose. It's literally just throwing money.

Gosh OP, he'd come home to find the ring on the kitchen table and me sitting there looking confused

Could it be an engagement ring he'd bought for someone before you got together?

They’ve got the house got the kids. They don’t need to propose. The ship has sailed I suspect. We eloped when I was pregnant rather than face a wedding that might be endlessly put off. It’s so easy to put these ideas off when you’re in the thick of nappies etc.

Assume there was a receipt in the box that you looked at?

That would be even more hurtful, surely!

women have agency. The problem is few will take the initiative out of sone deluded idea of romance. Get the ring out and ask him OP!

I am planning on staying with dp not having kids (I have 2) and not getting married.

It is slightly different. Women’s careers are likely to be harmed just by having children, so therefore their earning potential is harmed.

But I am happy to build a life with dp, but I don’t want to legally linked to another adult. Financially, it would be a bad move for me. But even if dp had more money or assets than me I still wouldn’t marry him. I don’t want that legal link. It’s not easy to undo.

I would say in this situation. At some point, he felt he should propose. But doesn’t actually want to do has never done it.

You say he knows you want to be married. Has he ever hinted he doesn’t? Told you out right? It’s something I have always been open about and I do think people should be honest.

If he has misled you, that’s not ok. He clearly doesn’t want to get married. So if he has being saying he does, that’s a shitty thing to do.

But, as women are more vulnerable (financially) when they have kids, I don’t understand women who say marriage is important but move in together and have kids, without that thing that’s really important to them. Even if the man is saying they do want to get married one day. If marriage is really important to you, it should be the step before kids.

Is it normal to hold a ring that long - no

Is it a red flag - for most people yes

He doesn't want to be married to you
Maybe he's protecting his finances
Maybe he's waiting for a better offer

Are you going to ask him?

My now husband commissioned my ring from our jeweller friend 12 years before he asked me. We had been together 3 years when we started talking about marriage - we had bought our house and he was working away from home), so I bought him a Tag Heuer watch on the condition he didn’t have it until I had my ring. Both were sat in respective safes for 12 years and I honestly never thought we’d marry (we spent 7 of those years trying unsuccessfully for a child incl 7 rounds of IVF which just made us stronger together) until he proposed out of the blue after 15 years. We’ve now been married 18 months and are stronger than ever. I know several people who got engaged after 15-20+ years, and many others who have been together longer with no engagement.

No it’s not normal. But he has everything he wants now so he’s changed his mind. I think - sorry - the ring is a last resort/holding position if you give him an ultimatum. If you continue to go on about marriage or threaten things if he won’t commit. He can then give you the ring and be all lovey dovey for a short time to put you back in your box, while continuing not to marry you…

This is genius.

I was writing things in the order we did them sorry

Yeah, I know exactly when it was bought because of the receipt. I don’t think it’s for someone else, he works from home and only goes out if it’s with me/family.

I think posters are suggesting that you ask. Because really that's the only way you'll get an answer if he was ever planning to marry you. A bunch of strangers on the internet can't read your partner's mind unfortunately.

Sadly this. You could force the issue by proposing to him. If he refuses do you still want to be with him?

This must be really painful OP

tbh I would get it out and start wearing it. When your partner notices it say I found my engagement ring, let’s start planning the wedding for next summer!! Play him at his own game, kick start the discussion.

i did something similar, my partner asked my dads permission and then told me a few weeks later. I waited for months - Xmas, v day, holiday and 6 months later no proposal. I outright asked him and he said he would get round to it. I said I’ve been ring shopping I am a size K, I can buy my own ring if you can’t decide. He got really offended and bought the ring that weekend. It wasn’t romantic and it pissed me off but I got the result in the end

Something similar time wise here, but probably different circumstances.
Three decades age difference between us, both have our own assets and no kids together.
😊

My first thought is that he was planning to propose then something else happened- pregnancy, bereavement, house move,- that meant the moment wasn’t right. And maybe he’s forgotten about it or not sure if when to raise it.

I would have thought he planned to and still plans to but “never found the right time” between moving in and starting a family etc. and then not being able to afford a wedding or the time to plan one.

You know why. You’ve been together 11 years, he knows you want to get married yet he hasn’t made the commitment.

You KNOW why. I’m sorry, he doesn’t want to marry you. Your Miss For Now not Mrs Forever.