To be irritated by people who constantly discuss their MH struggles without seeking help?

[HangryDenimBird]

While I appreciate that mental health is important, I find it frustrating when people continually share their struggles but don’t take steps to seek help or improve their situation. AIBU to feel this way?

YANBU. I am an advocate for speaking out about MH and think more people should be able to be open about it, but simply telling everyone you “suffer from anxiety” doesn’t mean anything if you haven’t sought a diagnosis or any support at all. This is where I can understand the cynics’ “badge of honour” argument.

It can be difficult to be the listener and it can be frustrating if they seem like they are stuck in the same cycle or not seeking support.
For many support is not accessible or readily available, it might not be suitable for them or they might not be ready.

Maybe they can't afford help? Going to the doctor is harder these days, even to get an appointment. Maybe they are too depressed to do anything about it right now and that's hard to understand if you've not been through it.

I’m not sure

I don’t discuss it except here 😂

I have been 30+ years with crippling depression and anxiety but I reached a stage where medication wasn’t helping

so I am no longer technically in treatment but I do tell mum occasionally if I am struggling to do her stuff because of it. Luckily she understands my reluctance to do the whole “treatment” exercise again

but I don’t bore on about it. It’s more a case of keeping her informed so she doesn’t drive me even more nuts.

people who you think aren’t seeking help - maybe they’ve tried and it didn’t help, which is where a lot of us end up if it’s clinical.

i always feel obliged to explain that 30 years ago a diagnosis was hard to obtain and something to be ashamed of. I’m not a person saying “I am anxious about this particular thing”. Alas, whoever made me did not allocate me a properly working brain so there’s really something wrong and I know now it can’t be fixed.

They may not know they need or would benefit from professional help.

For the most part, help isn't there anyway.

Believe me, I've tried. The NHS don't give a monkey's testicle.

Yes my husband does this and we can afford therapy or whatever he needs. So I find it hugely frustrating.

YABU. Have a go at having poor MH. See how quickly you proactively sort it out.

YANBU. But it’s incredibly difficult to get meaningful help on the NHS. Mental health services are spread so thin that people like my brother, who has crippling depression, can’t get the help they really need. They’re good in a crisis or if you need short-term CBT or medication but if it’s long-term psychotherapy that’s needed, forget it.
It is worth trying though. It’s incredibly hard to listen to a depressed person who keeps talking about it, especially when they don’t try to help themselves. I’ve stopped asking my brother how he is because our conversations leave me feeling drained and helpless.
All I can suggest is that you try and set boundaries; listen as much as you can bear but then kindly remove yourself.

Yes, I knew someone like this. Would dump his issues on all his friends, call at silly hours, post photos of booze and pills on FB.... yet was offered therapy via NHS. He would not do it... "too hard". So blamed the NHS for being "shit", and wanted his friends to scoop him up instead. I could not do it anymore.
He just wanted people to listen and validate his issues but he was so settled into that routine, he would not accept the help for the core reasons he was doing that.
We were all just enabling him. I wished him well, but I have my own MH issues and he was sucking the life out of me.

I agree with you OP, but I think we all have a tendency to do this. I saw a meme on Facebook not so long ago which summed it up well which was along the lines of someone saying "ugh, I just feel so down, I don't know why" and the other person saying "have you been eating well?"
"No"
"Have you been exercising?"
"No"
"Have you been spending quality time with friends and family?"
"No"
"Have you been spending much time on social media?"
"Yes"
"Have you been binge watching tv show repeats?"
"Yes"
"Have you been putting off the things you should be getting done?"
"Yes"
"Have you been mindlessly scrolling on your phone?"
"Yes... I just don't know why I'm feeling so down"

I think we all know what we should be doing, but sometimes we lack the energy or strength to put things into action.

I have a friend who I'll message general chit chat too who regularly IMO trauma dumps on me and I find it really overwhelming - obviously I know the crisis the NHS is under and mental health is spiralling but there's only so much you can be a listening ear too, I suggest catching up over a walk nah but they are happy to get stoned with other friends

I agree with you, but it would help massively if there was actually ‘help’ available for people. I know that people say they are there for others etc, but in reality we know nobody wants to be trauma dumped on or moaned at, they say it because it’s the right thing to say. This is why a lot of depressed people just withdraw instead of talking about it. Issues are often too complex to be understood and it’s exhausting trying to explain anyway, so withdrawing is infinitely easier. Then we get moaned at for withdrawing. Can’t win 🤣

It's like people that constantly complain about how sad they are about their weight whilst shoving a cream bun down their throat! 🤬

Why does that annoy you so much? It’s a cycle, they are depressed about their weight but feel out of control of it, so will eat as a comfort. Yes, I know it’s contradictory, but human logic doesn’t always make sense. Food gives them a dopamine rush. I doubt anybody actively chooses to be fat.

I don’t know why it annoys you so much to the point of angry swearing if it doesn’t affect you 🤣. It’s one thing not wanting to be burdened by other people’s issues and that’s fine, but to be totally ignorant about the reasons these things happen is another.

This x 100.

When your mental health is poor it can be very difficult to seek help. Add to that the fact that there is precious little help available anyway. Also include the attitudes of some folk who like to judge those with mental illness, and like to speculate on why they don't just get some help.

I would never have a go at someone with poor MH however I disagree the awareness of MH has never been so high and there is support out you and yes it's tough but the individual suffering from poor MH usually has to seek it out

When you're very down part of the illness is not being able to see a way out, which is why people kill themselves.

It depends. Is someone dumping on you daily but you see no positive action, maybe in that case.

Reality is that there's not any support and you have to fight to change things - which may not actually help and is a difficult task if you're depressed.

I've seen people treated appallingly at hospital after suicide attempts then just sent home. I've known people begging for help but there isn't any and a mental health institution if you can find one is no picnic I imagine. If people are aware of all this or experience it, theyre less inclined to feel anyone could help them.

Yeah, this.

I wonder if OP is confusing people with poor mental health with people who are basically OK but just like to moan a lot.

@Teanbiscuits33
There's help there is it's really wanted!
Don't come in the form of a magic wand tho!
Will take hard work and the right mind frame.
Eating another cream bun won't help for sure!

Of course eating unhealthy food won’t help if you’re wanting to lose weight, but as I’ve said it’s not as simple as just stopping eating junk. It’s very hard to get the motivation when you feel shitty, and food can be a comfort when you feel bad about yourself.

There’s very little help out there for people, and even when there is it’s not always simple to go and seek it. I keep seeing and hearing people saying ‘there’s help out there’ as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. It isn’t.

If someone’s moaning at you about weight and you don’t want to hear it, just say something generic like, ‘aww, i understand it must be hard! You’d do great at anything you put your mind to!’ And change the subject. You don’t have to be subjected to a long conversation about it.

What is a cream bun? I can only think of a cream doughnut. Or does it just mean any sort of cream cake?

This is very true. It is hard on the person listening and who fells tremendous guilt if they don't listen. But listening for hours on end to someone who has mental health issues is, obviously, very difficult for the other person too. I don't know what the answer is if there are no NHS services but it's definitely helpful to share the listening pressure with someone if possible.