To be irritated by people who constantly discuss their MH struggles without seeking help?

[HangryDenimBird]

While I appreciate that mental health is important, I find it frustrating when people continually share their struggles but don’t take steps to seek help or improve their situation. AIBU to feel this way?

I don't discuss MH with anyone. I am actually not very well at all. I won't go into details because it could be a bit triggering. Anyhow, I reached out to the mental health service in my area. I wasn't particularly upfront about the extent on my condition. I was just dipping my toe in the water and asking for a bit of support. I thought talking to someone would help even if get didn't have the full picture. Well aren't I glad because at the end of the assessment I was told that the HV will be informed because I have children under 5. I will absolutely not be pursuing further support.

I can understand that was very alarming. It was probably down to their NHS protocols and doesn't necessarily mean that the HV would take any further action.

Have you got a Home Start service close to you? They may be able to provide some practical support that could help to improve your MH issues.

What was alarming for me was the lack of transparency. Had they told me in advance I wouldn't have engaged at all. I wouldn't have consented to the assessment. So now I don't even trust to ask for support with MH.

I don't need practical support. I'm not struggling with parenting or keeping a home. My home is clean and well kept as are my children. You'd have no idea. Even my parents and husband have no idea. My issues specifically relate to my MH. I'm very good at functioning without anyone really knowing what's going on internally.

I can imagine that was difficult when they didn't tell you what might happen.

Do you think your parents/husband wouldn't be understanding or would overreact?

If you can't talk to your loved ones could you talk to a telephone line? Calm have a very good helpline that I prefer to the Samaritans as they engage more in my experience. CALM Helpline: There's… | Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) (thecalmzone.net). It's very hard to be holding all of that inside without sharing with anyone at all.

Thanks, that's helpful.

My parents would absolutely worry and they would try and help with advice, doing stuff and getting overly involved. I really don't need my mum on my case. My H well realistically he doesn't have a great track record of being supportive. I just really wanted to talk through stuff and hash it out. I think maybe if I said the words out loud they are wouldn't have such a strong physical impact.

I can see why you don't want to talk with either of those options Mam. You still need your space when you're wrestling with problems and you definitely don't need someone telling you what to do. But you do need someone who is supportive and listens.

I imagine it would all seem clearer in your head and less overwhelming if you said it out loud to a caring person.

Yeah that physical jolt in your body of carrying around painful thoughts. I'm sorry it's been so hard.

I do think though that there's an outlet somewhere for you. Sending you hugs.

They have a duty of care to children

yanbu- this is my mother, woe is me to anyone who will listen for the last 35 years, flatly refuses any help, because ‘it won’t work’ ‘mine is too severe there’s no point’ - I think it’s so much part of her identity now. It greatly affected my child hood/ why couldn’t she get help for my sakes. I decided I would never be that person, my kids wouldn’t suffer from me not accessing support. I guess it’s a postcode lottery - I’ve been very fortunate to receive some really good support through the nhs (Home Counties) that has been invaluable. I understand it’s a huge challenge and hard to access in other areas. But if someone had a physical issue/illness and refused to have treatment/take medication but complain that’s very frustrating for those around

I understand a duty of care. However, I don't think it's fair to refer someone to the HV because they are seeking support. I wonder if the refer men with children under 5 to the HV or even if they ask if they have children at home. They put a barrier to accessing support in my way. So I haven't had support in 6 months and have held these feelings.

I actually have a GP appointment booked. Having done some research I have realised I'm probably peri menopausal which would actually account for all of my symptoms.

I had a similar situation with a childhood friend going out having fun with others but clearly seeing me as the therapist friend who she could trauma dump on a near daily basis too via long voice notes and WhatsApp messages.

And this friend actually got at least a years worth of NHS weekly counselling. So it’s not as if she wasn’t receiving help ,but her trauma dumping became worse during that period actually.

She used to unpack everything she spoke about with her therapist to me as if she was having an overflow therapy session.

I eventually had to end the friendship after repeated attempts to let her know that I wasn’t doing that great myself were ignored and the trauma dumps continued. She would literally giggle and say “oh no but you’re so strong and handle everything better” and I’d be like no I’m telling you this from my bed at 3pm on a Saturday and haven’t left my house this week please find someone else to unload to.

But despite her having a partner, other close friends and a sister she still persisted in insisting that i should be the one to listen to all heavy stuff.

This was how she seen me and how she perceived my worth to her.

it was a weight of my shoulder when I decided to just stop responding to her.

not unreasonable at all. My mum had major MH issues when i was a child, and whilst I appreciate it wasn't like now where people feel much more able to seek her, she didnt seek enough help, and it affected her DC an awful lot. One excuse for not seeing a psychiatrist was he wanted to speak to my dad too, so she never went again. She’s always taken anti depressant’s but nothing else. We went through a lot as kids, and I don’t think my mum did enough to seek help.

Agreed. Like most people, I’ve had my own struggles with MH at various points and understand you can’t just fix it. But there are a few people I know who really could do very simple things to make a small start at helping themselves.
One guy I know regularly discusses why his MH problems are effecting his ability to perform his job roles for example. Yet he will get through 4/5 cans of Monster energy drink every day and smoke weed daily - suspected sometimes sneaking off at break times to do it.
Ramming all that shit into your body isn’t exactly conducive of improvement in any part of your health. I do find I lose sympathy in these situations.

Maybe an unpopular opinion but alot of people who claim to have “anxiety” nowadays don’t really suffer from it to the level where it’s a mental disorder … they just get nervous or apprehensive when meeting new people or starting a new job etc. Then when it’s time to go on holiday or to a festival this anxiety magically gets better. Convenient.

This is true. However, it one of the few free resources of support. There limited in support in third sector, which is mainly given by trainees. I think a lot of support available in the private sector but that around £60-120 an hour. Not everyone can access.

If I won the lottery the first thing I would do is book in with a top psychotherapist and get to the root of my depression. In reality , I take antidepressants to cover up my problems and will be doing that until I die. There is no real help for people like me on the NHS. I have unresolved trauma and 6 free sessions of cbt did nothing for me, despite my GP insisting I go back and try it again and again.

i agree

Ditto here

Doesn't mean you want to hear it over and over though

While I appreciate that mental health is important

No you don't. You'd be more compassionate if you did.