To be irritated by people who constantly discuss their MH struggles without seeking help?

[HangryDenimBird]

While I appreciate that mental health is important, I find it frustrating when people continually share their struggles but don’t take steps to seek help or improve their situation. AIBU to feel this way?

I ended a relationship with a guy who clearly had mental health issues but refused to seek help. I had to draw a line under being his counsellor, therapist and sounding board cos it was sucking the life out of me.

On the flip side, I have a friend who has MH problems and refuses to seek help (or admit it!) but she's mu friend and I'm sticking by her. She doesn't drain me too much though!

When people say there's no help out there, they mean their GP.

In fact there is tons of help. There are thousands of private therapists in the UK and there are a lot of people accessing them. Ten sessions with an excellent, highly qualified therapist costs the same as an average citibreak all-in. There are also many of them that offer concessionary places. There are low cost counselling services. There are lots of charities/organisations that provide helplines and face to face counselling for specific issues. There is the Samaritans, Calm or Shout. Many LA provide well being services offering things like group support, mindfulness etc.

Getting out in nature, exercise or volunteering are all known to be excellent ways to tackle mild to moderate depression. We are not talking about people with serious clinical depression necessarily.

I know someone who is going through medical treatment and continually complains about their mental health but won't go and see a therapist even though it is being provided by their medical insurance. Because going to see someone would be owning up to the fact that it's possible to do something about their mental health. It would also mean looking at their own behaviour and how they contribute to situations. They don't want to do that because they'd rather be a martyr and blame everyone else.

Punctuation would make your post easier to understand.

Well you're not unreasonable to feel frustrated but it's extremely reductive to think people can just get help. Feeling helpless and not doing things proactively can be a large part of mental health. Some mental health challenges make even the easiest of tasks feel difficult l,.so actually addressing the issues can feel impossible. Similarly Some people worry there is still a stigma and don't necessarily want things showing on their records.

As someone who works in the field, I can attest to fact it isn't easy to access support. The NHS provides a limited range of intervention - many of them of CBT focused. Also, NHS service are change orientated as opposed to just talking to someone. Many people just want someone to talk - for the most part the NHS is going to do that.

That being there are lots of people unwilling to help themselves and get in the cycle of being stuck or feeling victimised.

@ChiffandBipper I so agree with your post. Many trials have found these things to be a more effective treatment for depression than most other options.

Yes OP you are right .
I have a friend who it's hard to be friends with . All she does is post these bloody ' wellbeing ' statements yet does nothing to improve her situation. She can't walk , says she only feels safe at home and seems to be in some weird competition with others who also have mental health issues and gravitates towards those people so she can validate her own issues .
If she didn't wallow at home and interacted with positive people not always decrying their mental health woes she may feel better . And got on top of her huge size and immobility .

They don't have to get help if they don't want but stop going on to other people about it I'd they chose not too

But the NHS is not the only source of support.

This.

The thing about mental health problems is that they can rob people of the ability to do what they need to get better.

It’s surely not hard to understand that people with mental health problems aren’t approaching things with a clear head and calm rationality.

A mental health problem is not ‘feeling a bit sad’, it’s an actual illness that affects people’s functioning.

It’s one of the only free sources of support. Other free sources of support via charities are very limited in their offering.

A long time ago a retired relative of mine did very well following expert advice - she listened and stuck to it, although it was hard initially. Much of it consisted of establishing routines. Walk outside every day. Read and knit a certain amount every day - her main hobbies. Try to arrange something each day - Townswomen guild, church coffee morning, hairdressers etc.

She took medication as well, but she showed that if you take some responsibility you can achieve a lot.

Advice to students follows similar lines - don’t turn to drugs or alcohol stuck in your room . Put your trainers on and walk round the local park . For lower level depression/anxiety it is things like this that can make a big difference. My HV went in for this kind of advice as well - get a shower and get dressed every morning. Make it quick, but baby is fine to cry for a few minutes safe in the cot. Don’t slob around in your dressing gown - if you do, you tend to feel crap. Get out of the house every day, whatever the weather. She made it clear that PND was something else entirely but that many mums can sink into very low mood - but they can get themselves out of it.

You do realise there is no fecking help ?

I went to my GP - I’m already on medication. The only option they had for me was to go on a wait list at least 8 months long.

In the meantime ? Nothing.

I don’t meet the criteria for any of the charities. I am “too complex” for the free 6 week counselling service via my work.

Taking a nice walk a few times an week isn’t going to fix this.

Am trying now to get private therapy for my brother but he’s stalling…We inherited quite a lot from our mum so he can afford it. I agree, severely depressed people can be so ill that they can’t tackle anything. He’s virtually bed-ridden now and rarely leaves the house because he’s terrified of people.
But I can’t fix him (he’s always totally relied on others, partly mum’s fault because she was co-dependent) and my own MH is starting to suffer. I simply can’t allow that to happen as I used to suffer with debilitating anxiety. Am trying to set a course where I can support him but not be dragged down.

There’s a balance to be had here. It is VERY difficult to access MH support unless you have money so it isn’t as simple as “seek help”.

And I do think we get mixed messages on this because people are always being encouraged to open up about their mental health and yet when they do they are often stonewalled.

I do agree though that there is a responsibility if you have mental health problems not to reflexively offload onto your support network all the time, to respect their needs and to not use it as a crutch to avoid doing the things you need to do to tackle it.

One of the cruelest byproducts of depression and one of its bitterest ironies is is that it tends to make people very self centred and solipsistic at a time when they desperately need to look outwards and see the big picture. I have supported a few loved ones through major depression and honestly people in this situation are hard to be around.

Its a balance between listening, support and tough love sometimes.

I don't talk much about it in RL, but I have PTSD and depression from being bullied at work.

When I first went on sick leave I applied for typing therapy. I didn't want to talk and thought that would be better. It helped, and I finished the 6 week course I got on the NHS. But I realised typing had it's limitations.
About 8 weeks ago I had a bad patch, and knew I needed more, but felt I'd benefit from talking rather than typing.
It took me 2-3 weeks to work up the energy/courage to phone the GP. I left a message saying roughly the above, and emphasising that I didn't want typing therapy this time. I also said I had a medical issue I needed to discuss
All I got from the GP was a text saying I needed to refer myself back to the group that I'd done typing therapy with. I did feel very dismissed by the response
I thought that they probably did both, so I referred myself back. They're a pretty good group.
But they then said they only did typing therapy, so told me to go back to the GP.

I haven't worked up enough energy to go back to the GP yet.

Now I'm not that bad. I have bad patches but I'm functioning. But it's still that hurdle to climb over that I just can't reach currently. Having done it once, it feels so much to do it again.

Exactly I've been to counsellors psychologists psychiatrist doctors groups you name it I've been

I've also probably tested every antidepressant and sleeping tablets so OP if someone is speaking if theory mental please don't be ignorant and say they won't do nothing about it they have probably tried above their means and felt comfortable talking to you but look where that's got them your moaning on mumsnet about it

@Thepeopleversuswork that’s very useful advice and so true.

Exactly.

Add to this the fact that if you tell someone what you're going through people make it all about them by complaining that you've upset their hard-earned emotional equilibrium with your negativity or that (if they're more honest and self-aware) you've frustrated their need to fix people and pricked their ego by not accepting their suggestions...

When what most people need is someone to listen to and validate their experiences, no wonder they feel despair.

I get it but also it's hard to get help. We don't have the metaphorical village previous generations were more likely to have.

With pressure on NHS, high COL and tech shift, there are challenges even for physically and financially healthy people. I also think it is far harder to be the average parent or student today than just 15 years ago.

I wouldn't dismiss anyone who just wants to safely rant, vent or seek a empathetic ear either in real life or online. Maybe i don't know anyone in real life who openly admits to poor MH but everyone I know has their own problems and frustrations.

Not everyone who has MH issues and offloads on their friends has no resources to pay for low cost counselling. That aside, one local to me offers sessions for £15 an hour for those on a low wage/benefits, less than the cost of a takeaway, and that's in London. There are therapists that offer very low fees or even completely free for concessionary places.

Anxiety today charges £20 an hour for some sessions.

Samaritans and Calm both offer free phonelines. At least those people are trained and have the skillset to listen to people with anxiety and/or depression. The internet has tons of free resources including lots of advice on YouTube about dealing with depression and/or anxiety.

I feel for people whose mental health is so bad that they cannot access any services but that is by no means all of those people who complain to their friends about their problems.

Not everyone with MH problems doesn't receive support because they can't afford it.

It's one of those things where I do try to be kind but it can be hard with some people. I do appreciate that it's hard though, I think a lot of the help you can try to get works better for those whose mental health isn't that bad and they can put advice into practice. If it's serious then there doesn't seem to be much available.

I think the issue is, with more awareness comes more unscrupulous people seeing an 'angle' with mental health issues.

They see an opportunity to duck out of doing things they don't particularly want to do.

They see an opportunity to not go to school or work

They see a chance to try and claim some benefits or advantages

I think now being open about being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or stress related condition can lead to other people rolling their eyes in a ' here we go, another one' way.

We will go back to people not disclosing mental health conditions as they don't want to be met with cynicism or with people thinking they are on some kind of grift.

Almost like a boy who cried wolf effect.

I think the issue is, with more awareness comes more unscrupulous people seeing an 'angle' with mental health issues…….They see a chance to try and claim some benefits or advantages.I think now being open about being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or stress related condition can lead to other people rolling their eyes in a ' here we go, another one' way

So very true