Had a meltdown at son's school. Embarrassed. Practical advice for ADHD needed?

[BrainLife]

My son almost certainly has ADHD. The school have to speak to me every week about his listening, impulsiveness, loudness etc. I'm struggling with his behaviour at home despite being what I would regard as a loving, attentive and patient mother. The school have raised concerns, I had a meeting a few months ago with safeguarding, SENCO was going to contact me, but they never did.

We were at school today and his teacher needed to talk to me about something he had done and he didn't want me to talk to her about it. So kicked me in the leg. He then had a meltdown and I had to literally grab him by the arm and get him out of there before he hurt someone.

It was embarrassing, and I think it all got too much when someone tutted at me. It wasn't helpful.

His teacher came over to help and was lovely, but I couldn't stop the tears and confided that I just didn't know what to do anymore. She was very reassuring and said she's always really impressed by the way I've handled his behaviour (at sports day, school trips etc). She said she has been raising issues with the SENCO and safeguarding but this never filters back to me.

I need to do something. Can anyone please guide me through exactly how I get the proper support for him (and me) so I can start being proactive? I feel like it's all so hard and all we ever do is talk about how he clearly had additional needs, but never actually do anything. I'm really, really tired.

It will effect your son more throughout his life if he isn’t diagnosed because he won’t get the help and adaptions and understanding he needs

I know that's why I'm trying to get help

Have a meeting with the senco. Research things that might help so you can make some suggestions based on what you think might help you child (eg. ear defenders, wobble cushions, movement breaks, resistance bands, fidget toys, chew necklace, coming in and settling 5 minutes earlier than the rest of the class, separate desk, 1-2-1 help, etc...) and what can the senco offer?

Does he have an ehcp?

You say the SENCO never got back to you. I would be chasing them, even if you have to go sit outside there office/classroom as you need support. You need to be the annoying parent who won't go away. They are more likely to priorities you then.

If I was you I’d be turning up at school tomorrow and not leaving till I had a meeting with SENCO and the Head. Make it abundantly clear that currently they are not only failing your son in getting you the help he needs. They’re failing in their duty of care to safe guard him, and safeguard his class mates if his meltdowns are at risk of hurting them.
Also say you’re thinking of moving him to a school where he will get the support and help he needs. (Even if you’re not).

Thank you. I don't even know what an EHCP is.

I cried on more that one teachers shoulder as we were going through pre-diagnosis / diagnosis. This is not their first rodeo.

Ask for a EHCP, you can request directly to the council, you don’t need to go through school.

Ask for a referral into CAMHS - you may get knocked back, but keep going.

Talk to SENCO about strategies .. you know your child and what works for them. There is lots that can be done in school.

Find support groups and join them .. Facebook normally has lots of groups. Look for local support.

Education Heath Care Plan. Schools can apply for one in order to get additional funding for children with special needs.

But you don't need one in order to start getting help or support in school for your child. It just gives the school more funding, they have some funding to support additional needs anyway (although not enough). They also aren't needed for extra exam consecesions. Which can now be assessed in school.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear of what is happening. Its worth getting in touch with Contact - https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/education-start/education-learning/ehc-plans-assessments/what-is-an-ehc-plan/
They are an excellent resource for advice. Sending hugs 🫂 💐

If you can afford it, look at a private diagnosis. Otherwise refer to CAMHS. Waiting lists are huge but you need to get the process started. School will have to complete forms as part of the process (whichever path) so have to be involved. Email or phone school and say you need to meet with the SENCO, don't wait for them to contact you. Before the meeting think about what adaptions etc might help so you have some suggestions.
Read up on supporting ADHD and try things at home you think might help. Some might not work but some might. See if there are any local support groups for both you and him.
And finally don't worry about expressing how you feel at school - if anything it highlights how tough things are and might help get you more support.
Good luck!

The school need to refer your son to CAMHS asap down the ADHD pathway for support.

Sounds like the teacher is hot on getting this sorted so work with the school and CAMHS whilst you have someone on your team.

Once the referral has gone in, chase CAMHS every time he has a bad bout - where he is being unsafe (running off) or people around him are not safe (hitting, kicking etc). Becoming a nuisance to them may well help escalate them. Waitlists are horrific so don't mind pushing where you can, needs must.

Also, tomorrow, phone up the DLA and ask for a paper copy of an application. Your claim starts from the day you phone up and you get about 6-8 weeks to complete the form and post it back. They are taking about 20 weeks to review each claim at the minute, but if accepted - you will receive back-pay for the weeks you were waiting for forms and a decision as well as ongoing financial support.

Could you afford a private diagnosis? About £500. You don't need a diagnosis to claim for DLA but I decided to use pay in advance for a diagnosis so I had supporting evidence, paperwork from the teacher etc that would help pad out the information in my DLA claim. Even if he is assessed and they don't diagnose him with ADHD, you will get a report detailing difficulties etc.

It sounds like you're already doing an amazing job - and working really hard. It's clear just from what the teacher told you! So you are already doing so much to keep him well regulated and happy.

Once you kick these balls in motion and learn more you can start to push the school SENCO to put support in place for his needs.

OK, I've just emailed his SENCO whose email I found on the website. I will have a look further into the EHCP when he's in bed. Will look at DLA - is it likely to be granted without a diagnosis and for ADHD? I can't afford a probate diagnosis so am a bit worried about waiting lists but I will just have to suck this up!

DLA is based on need, not diagnosis. Cerebra have model forms to help you fill it in (it's a horrible form). Good luck.

Can I suggest as an immediate action that you tell the class teacher that you don’t want to discuss issues at pick up/drop off anymore. Tell she is welcome to email or phone you. I find that once there are concerns raised about adhd/asd well meaning teachers have a tendency to feedback EVERY issue big or small in the name of communicating and working together and it’s really not helpful to hear something negative every day.

there will be plenty of children in class who are NT who have been little sods that day and unless it’s very serious I doubt their parents will be told every day about every misdemeanour!

I expect that’s why the OP is trying to get that support and diagnosis.

Not strictly true. SEN support is based on need, not diagnosis. If the SENCo at his school tells you otherwise they are wrong!
1 - tell the SENCo you want a referral to whichever service in your LA deals with ADHD assessments.
2 - ask what support can be put in place now, he needs an IEP at least.
3 - ask his teacher to email you about any issues that crop up in the day so that your DS doesn’t react in the same way.

It so hard. In my experience my son’s sencos were useless. All of them. I had to fight, fight then fight some more. If your son does have ADHD then getting a formal diagnosis is v important as he grows to get him the support he needs. Also choosing the right school is very important. The support my son got through DSA at uni has been amazing- he wouldn’t have got it without formal diagnosis.
You have to be ‘one of those parents’ to get the support, it’s not nice but it’s needed.
And don’t worry about having a meltdown, we have all been there, it just shows you care and how hard you are trying

They're usually relatively major issues. Things like taking all his clothes off. Today he was trying to lock other children in a room apparently. He had a meltdown when she told me so I didn't get the full story.

Aww op! You’re doing an amazing job so please be kind to you

so first things first, set up a meeting with your SENCO team at the school because they can look at what support if offered, the concerns and together you can make a plan.

please speak to your GP too and get a referral for him to be seen. Yes the waiting’s list are long but make sure you ask for the right to choose as this could make it less.

you can apply for DLA for your child even if you don’t have a diagnosis. This could pay for special classes for him or toys which may help.
once again the waiting lists are long but get it done now.

once the school have a plan and evidence, your school can put together an EHCP plan ( if you do it before, there a high chance it will get rejected)

its so hard because you do have to fight for help and it shouldn’t be like this! Just remember you’re doing an amazing job.
some places have special groups for children with ADHD so these are great because no one will judge you.
in the meantime please be kind to yourself xx

Are there any local support groups/Facebook groups for ADHD/Autism? Can be very useful for finding out local pathways to diagnosis. Where we live schools don’t refer, you need to go via GP or direct to CAMHS. Some children are referred to Child Development Centre and some to CAMHS. Pathways vary from area to area.

Look up your local CAMHS service. They may have a pre diagnosis helpline/drop in service for advice and support.

DLA is based on needs not diagnosis, although diagnosis documentation provides evidence. You will need to evidence support needs significantly different to a typical child of the same age. You may have a local disability advice service with advisors to help you complete the form.

How old is he?

Perhaps a communication book then? That way she can pass on the information and you can respond without your DS having to hear it at pick up time. You can then talk to your ds about it at home when he’s calm. Also if you have it recorded in a book then you can build evidence for diagnosis and additional support.

My eldest is on the assessment pathway.

End of school is such a trigger for us, it’s like taking the lid off a shaken bottle of coke.

Over time I’ve read up on and used ADHD parenting strategies. It’s not a quick fix, but there’s been useful tips that have worked for us over time.

Start recording incidents, it will be so useful for form-filling. The referral forms at our school were very short — so I supplied supplementary info to go with it.

Find out if your council has SEN support you can access without a formal diagnosis. It’s been really helpful for us.

We (eventually) decided against a private diagnosis, because ADHD shares diagnostic criteria with a number of other things, and a private diagnosis will only screen for ADHD. But, it’s such an individual decision, and we were very torn as to what to do.

Ignore idiots who tut. It says much more about them than you x

How old is he? What year is he in at school?

You don’t need a diagnosis to have reasonable adjustments made to support him in class for ADHD, but you do need one to access medication, if that is something you would consider further down the line. It is very helpful for some children.

Unfortunately there is a (very) long wait for the nhs and private assessment comes at a cost, but that’s how it is right now. Your gp may be able to help you get started. It’s not always clear what to do so don’t feel bad about that.

There is good advice and information through ADHD charities like ADHD UK or ADHD Embrace.

https://adhdrichmond.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/101-reasonable-adjustments-for-adhd.pdf