Had a meltdown at son's school. Embarrassed. Practical advice for ADHD needed?

[BrainLife]

My son almost certainly has ADHD. The school have to speak to me every week about his listening, impulsiveness, loudness etc. I'm struggling with his behaviour at home despite being what I would regard as a loving, attentive and patient mother. The school have raised concerns, I had a meeting a few months ago with safeguarding, SENCO was going to contact me, but they never did.

We were at school today and his teacher needed to talk to me about something he had done and he didn't want me to talk to her about it. So kicked me in the leg. He then had a meltdown and I had to literally grab him by the arm and get him out of there before he hurt someone.

It was embarrassing, and I think it all got too much when someone tutted at me. It wasn't helpful.

His teacher came over to help and was lovely, but I couldn't stop the tears and confided that I just didn't know what to do anymore. She was very reassuring and said she's always really impressed by the way I've handled his behaviour (at sports day, school trips etc). She said she has been raising issues with the SENCO and safeguarding but this never filters back to me.

I need to do something. Can anyone please guide me through exactly how I get the proper support for him (and me) so I can start being proactive? I feel like it's all so hard and all we ever do is talk about how he clearly had additional needs, but never actually do anything. I'm really, really tired.

If you want to get a free diagnosis more quickly than on the NHS, try Right to Choose. We were able to get my son's ADHD diagnosis within 2 months of GP referral, for free, via that system and it has opened doors for him. Posters are right that a diagnosis is not required to attain support, but it does help as it contributes towards evidence. My son now has DLA and an EHCP on top of his diagnosis, which enables us to get support for him; all of this has been done within the last 12 months.

I've had an email from the sendco and the safeguarding lead had a chat this morning (she's so lovely) so I think things are moving in the right direction. I might keep this thread going for support. Thank you so much all for every bit of advice so far. I feel like I need a bulletpointed list of everything that I need to do and in order because there's so much!

One step at a time so glad you’ve made progress with the school!

Good foot forward op.

I’m sorry you’re going through this by the sounds of it with little support. If you can arrange a meeting with the SENCO take with you a list of ALL the things you are worried about. Does your child have trouble focusing, impulsive, have an aversion to loud noises etc? Write them all down. Talk to your child and ask him what he wants to happen- what he wants to help him at school. My daughter wanted earbuds to mute outside noises, she also felt “ heard” when we went down the referral path. Tell the school which “reasonable adjustments “ your child needs and the school should facilitate them. Also download and fill in a Connors questionnaire with your child if he’s old enough and show that to the school at the meeting. Hope this helps xx

It’s so hard to get help, push and push harder, the older he gets, he will slip through the net.
demand an urgent meeting next week, insist he’s tested, you would like an assessment for EHCP, if you get that it will cover him through school and further education
unfortunately you need to be really pushy, if you don’t hear back email school governors
I ended up going to the education minister, but through being a pain in their ass I got what my daughter needed
good luck

I know they sounded lovely, do keep on at them, before you know it’s half term

Threatening to leave a school will not bother anyone in school management. Why do you think it would?

This.

But I wouldn't say you're thinking of moving him because thst gives them no incentive to do their job.

Tell them instead that he'll be more and more of a problem for everyone if he doesn't get the support he needs.

Well done OP for getting the ball rolling. It can be overwhelming but you'll get used to the acronyms and form filling and all the rest. And soon after a period of stress you will start to feel a huge sense of relief because now you have support. You won't second guess yourself and wonder if your parenting is the issue because you will be given strategies. Some will work and some won't. You will get more confident and your DS hopefully will learn to self regulate a bit better. You will be fine, it won't be easy but you'll be OK and your DS will be too.

Deleted as posted wrong link

Hi,
I’m a mother of a child with ADHD and an ADHD ambassador trained through ADHD Embrace. I would make an appointment with your gp to start the referral process. It is long as there is a huge pressure on services. If you can go private do but research reputable places.
I would advise booking an advice clinic session with ADHD Embrace. They really know their stuff and are so supportive. Here is a link
https://adhdembrace.org/register-for-a-family-support-session/

Contact the school for an urgent meeting with SENCO and class teacher. There is a reasonable adjustment list.
https://adhdembrace.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/Reasonable-Adjustments-for-ADHD-September-2021.docx
Go through this with your son and see what you think will help and ask school for them to be implemented.

Please don’t give up hope. It’s hard work but it does get easier. My child has come on so much since diagnosis, support and medication. Early intervention is shown to have great results so the fact he is so young and you’ve started to look for help is going to really help him.

With support people with ADHD can achieve amazing things. If you have any further questions I’m happy to try to help.

I feel you on this one, currently started the neurodiverse battle to be diagnosed for my daughter. Are there any mental health organisations by you where you can self refer? I did a mental health self referral..... they came back after an assessment and said psychological help is offered in the first instance, and a second letter saying symptomatic of adhd.
A book I am also finding helpful is how not to murder your adhd kid. It is written by a councillor who has ADHD herself and also a child with ADHD. I am finding it informative, easy to follow and also helpful. There is a kindle download that is half the price than the actual book.
The waiting lists for these referrals is extremely long, i know where i am it is 2-3 years for an actual assessment, but keep talking to his teacher, they sound like they can see it and are also on your side. This will be helpful when it comes to assessment time as thry send out parent and education setting questionnares.
And harrass the SENCO and dont feel bad about it, it is their job and if they are not listening to you or his teacher keep continuously giving them a kick up the ass to actually do their job! Massive good luck, you are not alone i promise amzn.eu/d/ePmKCvZ

I don't think anyone has actually said....

DON'T beat yourself up about your meltdown. It might actually help to grease the wheels a bit. Sounds to me as if you are doing brilliantly (and coping with a steep learning curve about services, among other things).x

Thisisa very proactive fb group : https://www.facebook.com/groups/2248314252100341
ADHD Parents Support Group

I have a teenager with diagnosed ADHD (DS1) and a 6yo (DS2) who I suspect has both.

They are fairly similar behaviour wise but the difference is:

DS2 has always been intensely interested in spinning, especially wheels. Since he was a toddler he's had a sort of comfort behaviour where he will lie on the floor and watch a toy train or other vehicle's wheels move. He still does this occasionally.

More interested in machines than people a lot of the time. All of his first words were things like tractor/wheel/all done whereas DS1's was Look. DS1 always wanted me to look at him, watch him, share things with me, DS2 is more separate (though not entirely. He does like to share sometimes).

DS2 has quite a robotic way of speaking and often speaks in a non literal way where if you took him literally then you'd get it wrong because he means something else. He also memorises huge chunks of text and repeats it perfectly (delayed echolalia).

DS1 coped very well with nursery/school and the clear rules there. DS2 often gets overwhelmed and has had huge trouble at nursery because of this.

They were both a combination of sensory avoidant and sensory seeking. They both have meltdowns which get worse if you try to approach it as a disciplinary thing. (The teenager grew out of this). They both get hyperactive. They both talk your ear off about Minecraft.

Just had a full morning of tantrums. Wanted to bike to school but it's too slippery so I had to say no (we have lots of steep downhills), refused to eat breakfast, 40 mins to get dressed. Got to school, crying and won't go in. Sendco saw us and helped, took his hand and walked him in crying his eyes out. It was the best thing but I hate leaving him like that. It's every day. I'm exhausted sat in the car in the school car park trying to hold it all together. I dread my child and his reactions and hate feeling like that. Constantly stepping on eggshells trying to avoid a meltdown.

I’m so sorry to read this, it’s awful when you’re going through these times where every day is so full of upset for both of you.

do you have to time to yourself during the day? Have you had time to process this morning before you have to do pick up soon?

having been in this position before I know that the guilt at leaving them when they’re upset and the feeling that somehow this is all your fault makes it all so much harder to deal with. It’s important to remember that you are doing your best, and getting him to school everyday is an impressive job 🙂

As hard as it is you need to try and see each day, and each drop off and pick up, as a separate event and try to approach each one fresh, or at least to seem like you are to your child.

Can pick him up tonight with a hug and a smile, tell him you’re so happy to see him and you’re proud of him for going to school all day? I don’t know how big he is but could you pick him up and give him a real squeeze hug? Almost like you’re taking the weight of him. Can you have an evening where he can just curl up somewhere with you close by, with very few expectations on him? Or if he likes to be cuddled can you sit with him for a bit and cuddle and watch cartoons or something?

I know life is busy, and everyone has different routines and things that need doing but I know that when I went through this with all three of my children increasing the physical connection between me and them, and reducing demands on them outside of school, while I worked with school on providing proper support in school, helped to calm things down.

once he’s calm with you, if you can sympathise with him about his difficulties in school, ask him what he finds hard and tell him you’re proud of how he keeps going every day it will help to keep your bond with him strong even though you have to make him go to school every day. opening up the discussion will also help you fully understand exactly what he’s needing so that you know what to ask for from he SEN team.

you are doing an amazing job with your son in very difficult circumstances and you need to remember that through this difficult period, because with your obvious commitment to helping him succeed you will make your way out the other side of this current situation, with a son who is properly supported and happy to go to school I’m sure.

I feel for you OP, I've been there - diagnosed with ADHD myself last year, and my DS had an ASC diagnosis three years ago. I find everything overwhelming, I feel like I'm doing a bad job parenting, I think the staff see that the overwhelm comes from a place of wanting the best for our kids. Referral depends on your area, I'm in Staffordshire and it's very much that the school refer and the GP backs it up. Make notes of all the things you see affecting him as school won't see everything. I've had some good SENCOs and one awful one who just blocked us basically, but it sounds like they will help you. Also look for groups on social media, there is one called "Children And ADHD" on Facebook by ADHD UK.

Bless you, I can really relate to this.

I have had to really focus recently on not giving a shit about the judgement of others, including family. For my boy, I need to do right by him and pick my battles. If he wants to make dens outside when the weather is not great, a relative might fuss about that, but who is he really harming?

I've also recently had success in really looking at the basics, including sleep and diet. We had a bit screaming meltdown late Wednesday night, but we had deviated from routine for various reasons, and he had found some sweets (which we have recently cut out and seen some astounding improvement). But on the whole, things are much calmer and I found myself cleaning the kitchen without interruption in the evening and literally feeling awestruck. I'm sure you can relate, but it honestly takes so much to manage a child like this, that I'm genuinely surprised when I find us functioning like a normal family sometimes.

Meeting with sendco today. Any tips would be much appreciated as I'm making a list

There is a long list of reasonable adjustments that schools can / do put in place on the Girls Autism Network website, have a look through those and see if there are any which might help.

I would ask about the local offer for some 1-2-1
Can he have movement breaks
Possible for him to go in slightly earlier than the rest
Any fidget/sensory toys

So, meeting was very productive. They've done something called an EHAP. They're going to get him some fidget toys and a wobble cushion and allow him to go to the sensory room when things are getting a bit much. He's also going to be given a sage space in the classroom. They've referred me to a local group for parents that is referral only. They're also arranging for a family practitioner to spend 6 weeks with him, at school and at home, to give advice around how to help at school, and also home. They can advise on things like routine, if his bedroom is overstimulating etc. They said if things continue they can look into EHCP, however they want to see if they want to see if they improve with thr EHAP first which I'm happy with. I think this is good!

Sounds a great start to everything op. I'm pleased for you both