Had a meltdown at son's school. Embarrassed. Practical advice for ADHD needed?

[BrainLife]

My son almost certainly has ADHD. The school have to speak to me every week about his listening, impulsiveness, loudness etc. I'm struggling with his behaviour at home despite being what I would regard as a loving, attentive and patient mother. The school have raised concerns, I had a meeting a few months ago with safeguarding, SENCO was going to contact me, but they never did.

We were at school today and his teacher needed to talk to me about something he had done and he didn't want me to talk to her about it. So kicked me in the leg. He then had a meltdown and I had to literally grab him by the arm and get him out of there before he hurt someone.

It was embarrassing, and I think it all got too much when someone tutted at me. It wasn't helpful.

His teacher came over to help and was lovely, but I couldn't stop the tears and confided that I just didn't know what to do anymore. She was very reassuring and said she's always really impressed by the way I've handled his behaviour (at sports day, school trips etc). She said she has been raising issues with the SENCO and safeguarding but this never filters back to me.

I need to do something. Can anyone please guide me through exactly how I get the proper support for him (and me) so I can start being proactive? I feel like it's all so hard and all we ever do is talk about how he clearly had additional needs, but never actually do anything. I'm really, really tired.

Don’t beat yourself up, many parents are in the same situation you’re in and also just breakdown at times. I know I have quite a few times. In school as well as other public places. We’re human and it’s bloody hard at times.

I will say you have to be pushy/forthright with professionals sometimes. Not aggressive, but remind them that you/your child exist. Agencies and departments are overwhelmed and underfunded, it’s not personal but it feels it sometimes when you’re at your lowest. Basically if you’ve been told they will contact you and then don’t, contact them, chase them up. Try to get them to commit to a meeting or whatever it is that’s currently needed and/or been planned previously.

Im sure the teacher is also trying but if you have a 2 pronged approach it might get you further. If it’s not your natural instinct to be a bit pushy it can be hard but there isn’t any other way that I know of.

Every single word of this, op. This absolutely reflects our experience (ASD/ ADHD in our case).

Also, if you get DLA backdated, you could use that money to pay for a private assessment and get proper support much sooner than waiting.

Oh OP i just want to give you a hug. I hope you'll find your breakdown today is the best thing that could've happened as you'll now get the support for you and your DC that you should've had all along.
Please post on the SEN board on here as there is a whole community that are going through or have been through what you are dealing with and will be able to tell you exactly what steps to take.
I haven't RTFT but AIBU you will get advice and support but you'll also highly likely (but happy to be proved wrong!) get snide responses and it sounds like that's the last thing you need right now, if you get any just ignore them and focus on the helpful replies.
I'm a single mum of 2 SEN DC and no its not harder but it is challenging in a different way than parenting NT DC and not all posters understand this. The SEN board will be more appropriate to help with advice from parents going through similar issues.
Take some time to yourself once DC is asleep, switch off and do something just for yourself and then tomorrow you face the day and school afresh with your head held high and politely demanding the support you and your DC needs x

Hi op, not sure whereabouts you are but it may be worth looking for your local parent peer group so you too have support. Charlie Waller website has a list of groups throughout the country so is a good starting point.

Awh that sounds so tough OP, I can completely relate. I am in the same boat, except I have 3 DC so it's quite tricky.

Our DS is certainly at least ADHD and possibly on the autism spectrum.

Sorry I have only read your OP, so you may have answered this, but has your school completed a FACT assessment for your DC?

My DC's school have been really good. I raised a question over the summer (as it had been on my mind that he would struggle more and more the further up the year groups he got), about whether they had noticed any issues at school, as at home it was becoming clearer and clearer there was something going on and he has become increasingly difficult to manage. Within a week of year 2, they have sent me a FACT assessment and advised I can take it to the GP, which I did, and they have made a referral to CAMHS.

I was initially hopeful that a diagnosis would help, but I am worried about how over run the service is, and had read some posts on here about them essentially diagnosing and discharging.

It is really difficult with children like this, we had a meltdown this morning and they are so hard to deal with. My son is currently nervous of school seeing his meltdowns, despite my reassurance that they are just there to help, like we are, so we haven't had too much bleed through there yet, but just after school is a nightmare. We resort to taking him out most evenings as to make matters worse, we live in a flat so I can't just send him out into the garden, and he disrupts his other siblings.

It is so hard, I've been in tears many times over how difficult it is, but you are doing so well and I really hope the school can help you pursue diagnosis.

One thing I will say is that I am surprised no safeguarding info has filtered down to you, as you put it. I thought schools needed to tell you about stuff like this.

Also, are the school putting any measures in place yet? They don't need to wait until official diagnosis, and my son has been a lot happier at school since his problems were noted by his teacher. He gets to have a fidget toy and special jobs to help him keep focused and on track. It's also helped us emotionally, as there have certainly been times to be honest, where I've just thought I am a shit parent.

Much solidarity to you

I might also recommend meeting with gp?

In order to get an EHCP, first you apply for an EHCNA, which is an asses ent that may lead to an EHCP. The assessment will look at the child, strengths, weaknesses and what support is needed to help him achieve and progress in school. If an EHCP is granted, it comes with additional funding which is used to put in place what is quantified in the document.

I think you need to speak to the SENCo and see what can be put in place initially and whether things like PPs have suggested are helpful and help him regulate. As a parent, you can apply for an EHCP, but it’s always good to work in collaboration with the school if you can. There are organisations called SOSSEN and IPSEA, which can help with letters and forms.

It’s very hard for you and you’re doing your best, but people who don’t know the difficulties will judge, sadly.

OK make an appointment to meet with the sendco. Do not let then cancel or rearrange it. Keep a log of all behaviour , any big incidents that happen and log all strategies you are trying at home. List what works and when etc. Make sure you have a clear , structured routine for your child at home and make a tick list / timeliness of what is happening and when it will happen. This will help your child be prepared for change nad the need to switch activity etc. Make sure you say ' in 5 mins we are doing this...'. If you have a child that doesn't want to sit rigidly in a chair to eat dinner but will half sit half stand don't pick the battle. Let then half stand to eat. Have a selection of simple fiddle toys to hand st all times as a distraction. Allow about 20 mins calm time after school at home to allow your child to simply decompress from all the routine of school. A quite activity that they can do to unwind. After that time start your evening routine to include some quality time talking about their day.
It does get easier but be prepared to have to fight a broken system. If you wait for a local authority assessment appointment you may well wait a year or more! If after talking to the sendco and the class teacher it is likely there is a need for a diagnosis and if you alcan afford it get the assessment privately using an Ed Psych who is experienced in the assessment but crucially experienced in writing reports for EHCP assessments and EHCP tribunal reports ( it will save time and money in the long run). Most importantly you must advocate for your child and it will be a fight to get support for your child but when you get that support you will rediscover the amazing child that you have. You will discover new things about them that now make sense with a diagnosis.
Good luck - I have fought the battle and won ! I am a parent to 4 beurodivergent children all of whom are amazing people !

This is bewildering that the school clearly sees the issues and mentions help and never promotes any. What is so hard for having a meeting, sending the relevant application and whatever happens, happens - is it easier for them to keep ignoring distressed young man disrupting the class by doing nothing or is it easier for them to get some assistance and methods in place that will calm him down and engage a bit?!

I was in exactly your position with my eldest many years ago, and I’ve been through it with my younger two as well and I know it’s an awful feeling to arrive at school everyday wondering what you’re going to have to deal with. It’s soul destroying and it starts to negatively effect your relationship with your child, they’re no longer happy to see you at the end of the day because they don’t want to hear you being told how horrible they are. It’s toxic to your relationship with your child and your child’s relationship with their teacher so it has to stop.

You need a communication book, where the teacher can put things you need to know, good and bad, and you need to make it clear that you aren’t going to discuss things at the door at pick up.

make it very clear that you want a meeting with the SENDco, and that you know there are difficulties with your child in school, but until they organise that meeting, and offer the support and referrals your child needs, you aren’t going to have your child badmouthed in front of him at pick up.

all too often, as a parent of a SEN child, it’s easy to take all the blame but when a child is in school the school is responsible for making the adjustments and referrals necessary to support needs and if they aren’t arranging the meetings, and aren’t getting back to you when they say they will, it is perfectly appropriate to be ‘that parent’ and keep nagging until they action the SEN processes.

it’s hard, I know, but if it gives you any hope at all, I can tell you that my eldest is now at sixth form doing 4 a-levels and looking at top level universities something I would never have believed possible when I was where you are now with no SEN support or diagnoses.

Meds have been a game changer for me and my son.

Join this fb group and pick a RTC provider Psicon is the only only one that will accept children and prescribe meds via shared care. Go on the website follow their RTC instructions and take the completed paperwork to GP and ask for a referral. It will take 6/7 months not 2/3 years via nhs.

This

I’m shocked the senco has done nothing given the behaviour you’ve described. That doesn’t sound easy OP and you need some support. EHCP is impossible without a diagnosis you and are looking at years ahead. My advice go to your GP for a referral to pediatrics as well as from the school. It’s probably a 2 year wait if not more, phone them every day asking for cancellations. You are going to have to fight to get help sadly the way things are but don’t afraid to be annoying.

EHCP is impossible without a diagnosis

This is absolutely not true. You do not need a diagnosis in order to get an EHCP.

True, I worded that badly but EHCP’s are so hard to get currently they are using any excuse and I know people who’ve been turned down without a diagnoses so trying to get one is advantageous.

You aren’t alone OP. There should be a carers resource in your area , support group for children with sen - join them , parent power really helps .
They can point you in the right direction
Have you seen your gp about your son ! If he hasn’t got a paediatrician he needs one asap
Have a look at www.ipsea.org.uk
They will take you through process of echp and help empower you
Its very hard but you are your chikds greatest support, professionals pass in and out of our kids lives but we are the only constant

Then those parents can and should appeal because it is not the legal test.

A diagnosis is important for many reasons but it is not needed to get an EHCP.

From my experience the only thing that really makes a difference is meds, mainly because you take the people out of the process. 3 weeks from first phone call to meds via BUPA. Life changing for my charmingly sweet chaotic boy.

Also read recently that ADHD noise can obscure the Autism traits and this was the case for us.

You can request an assessment of needs yourself. Here is a link from IPSEA with various model template letters. https://www.ipsea.org.uk/template-letters

Haven’t RTFT so I don’t know if anyone has already suggested this but this is my favourite resource: https://www.additudemag.com/category/parenting-adhd-kids

Many standard techniques don’t work with ND kids and you need a whole new toolkit. Understanding ADHD is the first step to learning how to better support your child.

Good luck OP, it’s tough, I know.

Do you mind me asking if you could briefly elaborate on this?

My son is only just at the very beginning of this process, and we have always thought he had ADHD but the more I watch him grow and see what he struggles with, the more I think he may have autism.

Do you know what the signs are that it may be autism and not/not just ADHD?

I have had similar with my son. He gets easily frustrated and dysregulated, and lashes out when he does. He has hit other kids and teachers at school.
We went private to get him assessed and he has been diagnosed with ASD.
We are moving school as his current place is not very supportive of neurodivergence.
There is a lot of support on here, and in various groups. There are also some really good books around - I started with The Explosive Child, and am currently enjoying The Out of Sync Child for the insights they give me into him.

Diagnosis is easier said than done nowadays. In our local area its gone from an 18 month wait, to now being a year until the first telephone consultation followed by around a further 2.5 year wait for actual diagnosis.

You can request support without the diagnosis. But you really need to chase the assessment and diagnosis as it will be essential to him in life.

You've already emailed SENCO but this has to be followed up. You can ask for this ;

You want him on the SEN register asap even without diagnosis ( they can do this. They may lie)

You want a meeting to discuss Accommodations. This means based on the very high chance he's ADHD, what can and will school do to help him cope. You want specific examples in writing on a SEN support plan ( even a scrappy one side piece of paper will do!)

How will they support you in accessing an assessment for him for ADHD in order to diagnose.

I would make the SENCO your number one focus. Every time you put something in an email to them they are under pressure to do something. Trust me, they need this. They are notorious for trying to just sweep it away and blame mums!

I paid for a comprehensive assessment via zoom with questionnaires. All done with a report confirming in weeks. Cost about £200 I recall.

ADHD often comes with Autism, even though you would not automatically think they are Autistic. Paying for this assessment would cost loads more. I ended up paying £2000 for a very detailed autism assessment down the line because I was fobbed off so much I couldn't get an assessment. I blame the SENCO entirely for this. They were horrendous. Don't fall for their excuses. You must be firm.

If he gets a diagnosed I believe it will help him understand himself and help him emotionally. You would also be able to try medication if he's willing that does help many with emotional regulation and attention difficulties attributed to ADHD.

Edited to add - an EHCP is the next level beyond a basic SEN plan. Difficult to get, will take time and more intensive. Many are rejected. For now, in the interim, the school can draw up a SEN plan which is more informal. Please don't let them put this on you and your parenting. Shut it down immediately and don't bring that into it.