Competitive parenting? From DD (5) best friends parents

[Apple97]

My DD is in Y1 and her friend goes to swimming lessons and gymnastics and loves both. I tried my DD with swimming lessons as she normally loves swimming but she wouldn’t go in and was crying. They were then bragging about how well their DD is doing and that she’s getting certificates and excelling in her swimming and gymnastics classes. They’re also now bragging that she is a member of the school council and how much confidence she has and how much she’s getting on well in Y1. Whereas my DD is more shy and doesn’t tend to put herself forward for things and she is finding the transition into Y1 harder. They are always bragging about something that she has done which I understand is nice that they’re proud, but I’m also proud of my DD and they seem to do it on purpose. Aibu to think they are trying to be competitive?

But why do you? Mention things about your DD?

You know what they're like ....so why mention your DD at all?

You seem to be trying to keep up with their DD.

Why? Don't bother. Who cares?

Just say "well done x" and change the subject.

Why put yourself through the game?

It would have been a lot healthier to think of other parents as colleagues rather than friends during the primary years.
You need to work with them, for company and information whether that's alternative swimming lessons, party logistics or looking at secondary school options but they are colleagues.

Today I really enjoy the company of one couple - funny, topical, good company but when they switch to talking about their kids, it's such a utter bore. I have their version, my observations and my teens gossip and opinion.
Thing is, it's not a conversation, I can't say he's always been a bit pants at maths but he could do this because that's completely at odds with their truth.

It's made me over the years quite reluctant to share too much which of course has lead to my relationships being all the more superficial.
Good luck, not easy.

Excellent advice. The school parents are acquaintances to me, not friends!

I haven't read all the replies, however.....
My kids are older now, but when they were young there were definitely parents who liked to brag about their kids. It wasn't necessarily intended to make anyone else feel worse about their own DC, more a personality trait I think.
Conversely, I knew a few parents whose DC absolutely excelled academically, but you would never have known it. I knew from what my kids told me, and consequently chatted about it in conversation with the parents.
Some people will brag about themselves in all stages of life. I tend to avoid those people!

To go on and on about how wonderfully their DD is doing in something when you have just said your DD is having trouble with it is just crass to me.

They happen to be the parents of your DD's friend, they are not your friends, you don't have to have lengthy conversations with them and definitely don't have to discuss how your child is doing in anything with them. They have shown they aren't going to encourage you or empathise but just make you feel down.

It's a good idea not to be friends with the parents of your child's friends. Inevitably there will be a falling out between the children or the parents and then it gets messy.

I’d just let it wash all over you. Why waste time thinking about what their daughter does? Don’t even try and say, oh my DD does this. You do you. When the other mum mentions what her DD does, just say lovely/nice/well done, etc and leave it at that.

Would you think about Speech & Drama classes for your DD, it can be super for building confidence.

All of this sounds incredibly spiteful and enjoying seeing other people suffer what are great misfortunes in their life at such young ages. How unpleasant!

Yes indeed. All you can do is be the big person, smile and say "that's amazing. You must be so proud" because anything else will make them think you're jealous of their superior offspring, which is the intention.

@Smurf1993 I think the point is that by all this bragging they are potentially setting the kids up for a fall as if you do get in other people's faces and something does go wrong people are much more likely to shrug their shoulders and think it's karma.

They can only be competitive if there's a competition. Don't enter into one. Just agree and say how wonderful when they brag and just say the same response every single time or a variation that you like and then move the conversation on.

If people think it's karma for teenagers to have an unplanned pregnancy or catch HIV because their parents did a bit of bragging lord help us.

@Smurf1993 Clearly HIV and unwanted pregnancy are extreme so that’s why I said ‘something does go wrong’

Comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy your daughter and let.her crack on

@Apple97 where are you?!

Tbh they said their DD was getting her certificates and school council is boosting her confidence. If someone said that to me I’d not think anything of it tbh. i’d assume they are just sharing how their kid is getting on. I honestly do think it’s because you feel insecure about your own DD not enjoying those activities. So what she’s a different person.

You sound as though you think that OP's daughter is inferior to her friend. Even if she is anxious, she is only just 5 so one of the youngest in the class.

I'm sure she will grow in confidence as she gets older. I don't think comparing children is helpful. The other girl's parents do sound boastful and I would probably give them a wide berth.

The OP has said that she isn't concerned about her DD's engagement/achievements at various activities. It's the fact that if she mentions anything that her DD is doing, her friend's parents always respond with a comment about how much better their DD is doing. The constant oneupmanship is annoying.

I love the use of 'with all due respect' before saying something really rude to the OP.

There is nothing in the OP's posts to indicate that she has an inferiority complex. She is happy with her DD's progress. She is just asking if she is being unreasonable to find her DD's friend's parents boastful comments annoying.

My son was 'class representative' on school council in reception. It was basically just a badge to wear. Swimming lessons were the one activity that was non negotiable as far as I was concerned. The get certificates just as they pass through the stages. None of the stuff she's 'boasting' about is a big deal.

I think this says more about your insecurities than it does the other parents.
If you spoke about your holiday would this be bragging that you can afford to go abroad? If you spoke about your boss emailing you all the time is this you bragging about your high flying career? Only to those with the evil eye

Hi I was just wondering how long you gave it before you stopped your dd going to these activities like rainbows and swimming? It’s hard when you drop them off at rainbows and they are crying but i volunteer at my local rainbows and they are used to little ones being sad at drop off. It’s harder for the parents than the volunteers because we normally get them to stop and they enjoy it in the end. One girl has been crying for over a term at drop offs but it’s a joy to see how she is at the end of the session now as she’s starting to blossom 🌸 my daughter cried at the beginning of each session which is how I ended up staying and volunteering 😂 she loves it now. Maybe the other parents are being competitive and my sons best friends mum is like it. I embrace it now tbh and share in the enjoyment that he does stuff well. My son is never going to be as academic or as sporty as him so I embrace the boasting about him. Better for mind and soul. I’m sure your DD will find something she enjoys soon but the key is not to let other peoples comments bother you. You can’t control other people’s behaviours but only how you respond to them.

I'd be more annoying with myself as a parent for not insisting that my DD got in the water and did the lessons!

I know people like this. They are known as "toppers" - whatever they are told, they always have to "top" it.
My friend uses the phrase - if I went to Tenerife, they would have to say they've been to "Elevenerife".
I have no time for these people unfortunately. My tolerance levels have become smaller as I've got older.

I learnt to swim at...8!
SO old! /sarcasm

These kids are still little, better not to put them off swimming by being too forceful, surely? At this age I'd just take her swimming for fun myself instead of being so, well, pushy.

No wonder everyone has mental health problems these days, pressure to do it all since the age of 5.

@hot2trotter Thank you, I laughed out loud at Elevenrife!