Competitive parenting? From DD (5) best friends parents

[Apple97]

My DD is in Y1 and her friend goes to swimming lessons and gymnastics and loves both. I tried my DD with swimming lessons as she normally loves swimming but she wouldn’t go in and was crying. They were then bragging about how well their DD is doing and that she’s getting certificates and excelling in her swimming and gymnastics classes. They’re also now bragging that she is a member of the school council and how much confidence she has and how much she’s getting on well in Y1. Whereas my DD is more shy and doesn’t tend to put herself forward for things and she is finding the transition into Y1 harder. They are always bragging about something that she has done which I understand is nice that they’re proud, but I’m also proud of my DD and they seem to do it on purpose. Aibu to think they are trying to be competitive?

It's your choice whether to engage with competitiveness. You don't have to feel obliged to meet it with your own. Personally I just reply with the usual 'clever girl!', 'well done X!' and other stuff and don't bring my daughter into it at all 🤷‍♀️

Struggling is a synonym for finding it hard, and your description of her makes her sound anxious 🤷🏻‍♀️ I suspect you’d be much less sensitive to this ‘bragging’ if your DD was similar to the other girl.

Where in OP does it say she wants DD to change? Or become like someone else

This. Smile and say "how lovely". Then change the subject. I'd be thinking "that's nice" in a Mrs Brown way if they're bragging 😁

I found that the minute I learnt (Not others) to stop comparing and judging my own child by others my enjoyment, and theirs increased in everything.

Your friends are allowed to be proud of their child. They are enjoying the developments their child is making. If they dont share that with friends, who then?

Thankfully not all children have to be the best swimmers, the fastest runners or the class president etc. Some rejoice in reading a book, art, music etc etc. It would say much much more about your friends attitude if you added to the conversation that you child had done something that you value highly (regardless of what it is) and they didnt respond with positive interest.

Thanks. I don’t at all. It’s just them constantly trying to have ‘one up’ if I mention something about my DD

OK so they brag and? Sure you don't have to get it but what are going to do about and why would it actually matter if they did, you child is not going to suddenly be well behaved genius who excels at everything so just focus on what you are doing

What is this obsession 'how can I make this be about me'

I get it OP - although you'll have heaps of responses telling you you're jealous, imagining it, are damaging your child with comparisons etc etc etc

It's dull but I do think it's a (tedious, middle class) conversational style , and they're probably used to others communicating in the same way. Just keep her at arms length.

Is dd your first OP? I ask this as, as time goes on you will be faced with this more.

In my experience there are always going to be those parents who think their child has to be the best at everything, and will gloat to whoever is listening about their achievements.

Not every child is going to thrive in every single thing.

Praise your dd for her achievements, and when the announcements come in from the friends parents of whatever accomplishment they got today, just say well done and then move on. So you don't sound off, but also you make it clear you don't want to talk about star awards constantly.

I would find that very tiresome. It doesn’t get better as they get older and the stakes get higher. I think you need to back off, unfortunately.

This is lovely and very accurate. I’m the mum whose child was late to hit every milestone, who needs extra support for things other kids find easy and who I am so proud of for being so kind and resilient despite everything.

Try to focus on all the things your DD does that makes you happy and proud of her. Don’t compare and you’ll be able to delight in your friends children’s achievements in their own right.

Tbh it just sounds like they are talking about their kid. It is quite exciting as a parent after the long slog of the toddler years seeing them start to progress so fast in different areas (not exciting to anyone else obviously). But if it’s bothering you just nod and say “oh that sounds great well done her” and leave it at that.

My dds best friends mum is like this.

They are now 18!!!!

It's always been the same

She is lovely in many other ways. I think she just can't help herself.

I've learnt to roll My eyes Inwardly now. her dd is also very lovely but is one of those lucky people that
Passed everything with high grades/driving tests Has
So far got every job she has applied For and so on.

I'll Be Talking About how My dd struggled with something. She is high masking autistic and has has a hard time as a teen and then her friends mum will tell me about her dds latest achievement. In the same conversation!!! She seem to have no concept of how that makes me feel.

It used to make me feel like shit. But now I try to see she just can't help herself and it must Come From Some Insecurity of her Own

I do find parents who do this difficult. I'm aware they might just be socially unaware, or uninterested in the feelings of others. Maybe they need to affirm themselves for their own self worth. Maybe they are neurodivergent and this is how they have taught themselves to relate to others. But I can't know any of that for sure, and it feels like bragginess to me, probably because I have my own self-doubt to deal with. I think I probably do it myself sometimes in situations where I feel socially awkward or inferior. Hopefully I've caught myself in time to back off and focus more on the person I'm talking with.

The strategy I've come to eventually is to smile, mentally take a step back and remind myself that I can appreciate they are full of good and difficult traits, as am I. It works for me, and it's been hard won. Doesn't mean I don't sometimes say vicious things inside my own head in a flare of irritation....

Just smile and nod and then plan a load of fun things for your DD to do, and make a list for yourself of things she has achieved.

Some parents their lives revolve around their children and taking them to activities and what they have achieved. I think it's probably more because you have a daughter the same age that they are boasting about it to you without realising that it sounds like belittling your child in comparison. I wouldn't let it get to you, maybe you are a bit sensitive that your child doesn't have awards for this and that? Your child has her own merits, be proud of who she is and don't compare. They probably have nothing else to talk about!

It sounds like you are getting annoyed by children with different strengths being compared as if they are the same. Usually the only reason such comments are upsetting is because there is some truth to them. So do you feel your daughter isn’t good enough because she doesn’t swim as well? Is that the real issue?

I had some friends who had exactly this problem with some friends of theirs. One day when those friends were coming round, my friend’s DH put loads of complicated algebra on the whiteboard in their kitchen in advance of their visit….😂

I've had three children, all grown up now and yes, there are parents like this. I learned to nod and smile and change the subject. Your daughter sounds great and will find her own interests. Could the noise at Rainbows and swimming be a bit much for her at the moment. By 6 or 7 her reactions could be completely different.

It's also very daunting going into these situations solo. Some art galleries, theatre groups and community organisations run one off parent/child workshops, where you can do a craft activity with her as a one off. No pressure there about signing up to anything long term but, might be fun and a confidence boost to try a few - just to get used to handling a different environment, noise, tutors etc.

It is hard to say what is going on here OP but I think it is fair to say that some parents do treat school years like a competition, at least the early years when they're closer to it. As if their children's achievements reflect the quality of their parenting or their own talents and in the early days perhaps that correlation feels strong.

One day along the way we all discover that our children will be who they are meant to be and will decide for themselves. Or life throws a curved ball and decides something very different for them and for us. Give it a decade or so and the confident certificate winner could be anything. Your DD will be very different too. A bit of showing off will pale into insignificance.

Whatever our children are like they will take us parents on a roller coaster ride of happiness, terror, pride, sadness, worry, embarrassment and joy while they decide who they are and the end result will be that you realise your hand in all this was as moderator and guide, no more. Your daughter is who she is, her progress can't be measured against anyone else.

My DC are adults now. The one who won all the prizes at school from a young age dropped out of university and lives a very unconventional life having caused me massive worry in recent years. Another of my DC struggled through school, shy, never found their niche but blossomed later and is now an academic. They are both happy with their choices I'm glad to say. They are just so very different from what I could ever have imagined.

I guess what I'm trying to say @Apple97 (in a very lengthy way) is let competitiveness wash over you. It has no relevance to you and yours.

Some people are just a bit obnoxious when it comes to their own kids.

I knew someone who was like this, convinced that her little girl was a genius and a sporting prodigy. She'll play for the county / she's so clever / modelling agencies have approached us because she's just so beautiful! All the while letting her behave like a little brat because obviously she could do no wrong. Never told her off, thought her rude and sometimes frankly upsetting behaviour was funny and adorable. Only child, of course.

By the time she got to year 6 it was apparent she was just a very average kid who was pretty unpleasant to be around because she believed her parents' hype. Rude to her grandparents, entitled, constant tantrums, rolling her eyes at waiters and calling people stupid - we had to keep reminding ourselves that it wasn't her fault.

The awful thing was how hard she found secondary school - it was a real shock to her. Suddenly she was bottom of the class, she didn't make any teams. Her confidence took a massive hit. It made her significantly less awful to be around, but it must have been horrible for her.

The main point is not to let it get to you. There is a good chance that competitive parenting does more harm than good. Just nod and smile and focus on your own child.

My SIL has always been like this, backed up by my MIL and it's as tedious as hell. Our oldest has SN and struggled badly in the early years. SIL's oldest was born a few years later and the reports/photos/comments about what a genius this child was were constant. If we posted something of interest on the family group, two days later their child was doing the same thing bigger and better, and obviously much younger to the applause of everyone. It pissed me off no end and was extremely hurtful.

It's amazing how things right themselves themselves though. The two second children were born within months of each of other and their DS struggles in a similar way to how our DD did. However, our DS is genuinely pretty clever (such that if the boot was on the other foot we would hear about him on said family group even more regularly than we did with their eldest). If he does something particular spectacular 😀I post but otherwise I leave it. They know well enough and I don't want to set my child up for a fall. They are only young and as has been proven by our oldest, things change. Our DD is thriving at school where she has grown and developed extraordinarily so yes, they had those early wins but life is a long haul.

Do you know the parents just because of your DD? If so, I think its pretty normal as that's the only thing you have in common. Some people will never let on something negative about their child, especially if you aren't a close friend. I'm sure Daisy isn't perfect but I wouldn't be telling someone mine wets the bed or whatever.

Maybe concentrate on your dds positives. Mine have all been awkwardly shy and terrible at sports but good academically. I don't concentrate on the negatives with other parents but with my friends, I'm happy to say it's like watching Frank Spencer or Mr Bean.

If its a friend then it's a bit shitty because you have more in common and there is no judgement. If I told everyone my child was shit at sports, they would think I'm horrible.

Oh come on. Do you say you've never met any bragging parents? I know a few and they are TEDIOUS. What is worse, their kids would come to mine and say 'I am at LIME books at school, haha, what are you on?'. Luckily my own DC was on a higher level and shut them down- guess the bragging kid didn't expect it, as their face really dropped!
My DC is also shy, but very academic and has some friends. She just doesn't brag.

OP, limit contact with those people if they annoy you, it's perfectly fine to have a child who is not an extrovert.

Do you have other friends @Apple97? Imo there is nothing more boring than people who do nothing but talk about their children.
Spend time with people who have other interests. Not all parents live vicariously through their child or need to constantly drone on about them.

What does your little girl enjoy doing? Could she be a chess genius, a budding artist, play netball or learn to code? It's harder for parents to compare their child's achievements to yours if they don't do the same activities.