I think I might be a nasty gossip

[Trying2changee1]

Please be kind, I’m not a troll incase anyone begins with “well if this is true” type posts. I realised today I might be coming across as a nasty gossip but I really don’t mean to. Just for background context - I had an awful childhood with lots of abuse and no good memories at all that I can look back on. I was severely bullied by much older siblings so I grew up thinking life was cruel and a fight. I’ve been in awful jobs and very toxic environments which I didn’t realise at the time as I just thought it was normal.

About a year ago I joined a new workplace and I have never known this level of kindness that everyone shows me. I’ve never had it! It sounds lovely but I’ve been waiting for things to become “real” in other words my normal of people being nasty and just general horrible-ness.

this week in particular I’ve been complaining a lot as I’ve been given new responsibility and when anyone asks me how I’m getting along I keep telling them all the bad things. Truth is that it’s not in the slightest negative but I keep downplaying things and just focusing on the worst things and making them bigger. I’m worried this will get back to my new manager who is so lovely btw. But I’ve made it sound like they are wrong in some ways. I really can’t help it but I feel fear telling people things are good - I know this sounds strange but I’m sure it’s from my childhood as my older siblings would damage anything I loved or showed interest in e.g. aged 7 my doll was cut up by my sister (19 years old at the time) and I feel anytime I had anything nice they would ruin it. I think I’m making it sound like things are bad do people won’t ruin my happiness but I’m worried incase any of this goes back to my manager.

truthfully I love my job and I really care and respect my colleagues. What should I do?

Give yourself a hug for having the courage to start a thread.

Get counseling.

Write down the worst things that could happen if everyone knew you're happy and evaluate how likely they are to happen and if you think it's rational to take action based on them. Then write down what's the worst that could happen if you continue what you're doing and how likely it is to happen. Then decide if it's rational to take action to stop it. Do go through that process because you need to cognitively engage - this is a big override and bringing in your rational mind is not easy so you need to strengthen that muscle.

If you decide against doing what you're currently doing, think about different responses that you might have had if you hadn't had the experiences you've had. Think about which of these would feel comfortableish to try doing. Think about the words and phrases you could use. Try it out alone. "X is really supportive. I appreciated Y giving me a hand the other day. I'm feeling really lucky to be in such an encouraging team. Thanks for the advice."

You can see what you are doing which is great, so now change it. Next time someone asks say you are starting to get the hang of it now you've stopped panicking, put it back on you and start turning it into a positive. How old are you?

Thank you both. Yes I will try those suggestions. I’m 36! I know I should have outgrown this behaviour by now

It’s so hard when it’s compulsive isn’t it! You kind of need to experiment with a new response, I think the PP are both great. You could even make a start just by thinking of some specific praise for your boss/the company culture and just finding opportunities to say something positive without it being a response to a question. that way you are in charge and it won’t take you by surprise, and you get to start re-routing those neural pathways. So, for example, you could say “ I feel like I don’t say enough, but this is such a lovely work environment, everybody is so kind” or something that feels comfortable to you?
practice will make perfect, you’ll get the hang of it.

@KurtShirty thank you. It just feels so unnatural to say things are going well. I keep actually waiting for someone to tell me I’m doing a crap job and I need to leave!

Sounds like a cross between Imposter syndrome and self-sabotage. Please be gentle with yourself.

I think noticing this and being curious about it is a fabulous first step. Now you need some therapy so someone else can help you unpick this and figure it out - and recognise when you are repeating patterns from your childhood and support you to manage situations in a new and different way.
And by the way, this is not your fault. It sounds like you learnt to do this as a way to navigate some really difficult and distressing times in your childhood. Good luck

As another thought, it might also be helpful to remind that 7 year old child within who is worried that the things she loves are going to be destroyed… that you have her back; you are an adult now and you’re going to look after her and be kind to her and you are not going to let anyone cut up her dolls anymore.

How lovely OP that after everything you've been through, that you've found yourself in a supportive and nurturing environment. I hope you work through the issues, thrive and feel lighter for it x

Congratulations OP on having the clarity of mind to see this about yourself. Now it's up to you to change 1. Your inner narrative; instead of thinking people will want to take this away from me- tell yourself "these nice people will be happy for me" 2. The narrative you present :start tmw by retropedalling and say how much you appreciate your manager, your collegues and the work you do.

If you could get therapy that would be great. If not (NHS being what it is in terms of waiting lists) atleast you have taken the first steps towards having positive relationships and embracing them. Here comes a big hug for you!

therpy
thats what you should do. also.apply some(long overdue kindness)to yourself. your "normal"wasnt.
there is another side(thats why it hurt so much )
You are coming out the otherside-and i know what a fukin long,sorry,trek thats been
only last week i had to "advise"my 14yo son to give himself permission to "be happy"dmn near killed me,we went through hell and his runs paralell negative nrative isnt new.
i sorta demonstarted "him"to him cos he was go on a school trip.im used to him .i knooow wht hes like.i reminded him,was an absolute "first ever" not just for him. His friends and peers would have mixed emotions and prob longest sepeartaion from one other or both parents.in so many wys his childhood has been denied(including kidnapt and sustained time where we had zero contact. so like him...you CN reframe your shitty rotten experiences.
they are over.you are a strong resilint person and people apprecite that .you dont gotta share details,your "naaature"is essentil to a team cos even tho shaped differently your strengths are fantastic.
so.same.
dont necessarily drop your guard entirely,but absolutely switch your thinking to "i m llowed to be...ok,happy,kind,reciprocate kindness without sell my soul"
life isnt easy,but you can love it

Ah @Trying2changee1 , self-awareness is the first step to a whole new life! Congratulations in recognising what you're doing and wanting to change. You have learnt that you need to act defensively to protect yourself from abusive situations. But, as you have seen, not all situations are abusive; in fact, most people are nice.

You're lucky to have found yourself working with good people in a supportive environment; initially you're going to have to work consciously to appreciate their kindness and reciprocate. It will pay you back a thousand times!

Good luck!

Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive messages x

It's a habit and survival mechanism to always see the negative and its a learnt behaviour in terms if making connections with others too. You are aware of what you are doing and can turn it around with practice and being willing to let your guard down. Seeing the best in others is also accepting your own short comings. I'm sure you will get there.

I love your self-awareness - most people are too stubborn or afraid to take a good, hard look at themselves! 🤗

I know what you mean - my family loved to bring you down just at the point you thought you were doing well, and you learn to be fearful of good feelings, and to try to hurt yourself before they can (I know, twisted, but if you're a kid, you're just doing what you can to survive).

Counselling would be great if you can access it, but you have already taken a huge step forward by noticing this pattern. Try to stop - breathe - smile before you respond or say something negative - just start changing the habit.

Things like meditation and journalling can also help you. Life is going to feel so much easier once you start allowing yourself to be positive! Good luck!

@Doingmybest12 makes a good point about self-acceptance. Kristin Neff's book on 'Self Compassion' might help you, and there are lots of online resources if you google that.

you have incredible insight op

now do something productive with it and seek help

To me it doesn't sound like you are gossiping but moaning about your work so that people won't notice how much you like it and then 'cut it up', you are acting from a position of fear and protectiveness about something that is precious to you, it's understandable given your experiences with your abusive sister.

I've met lots of women who are nasty gossips and are trying to 'cut up' what's precious to other people. They have none of your sense of guilt and happily and purposefully destroy the reputation of other women and their children by saying negative things about them to their peer groups.

OP, if you can afford therapy that might help. If not, books on self care and acceptance as has been suggested. Don't be too hard on yourself and do stay somewhat alert to any cutter uppers, they do exist and they seek to destroy those they're envious of while feeling superior to them.

It doesn't work like that. These messages (core beliefs) that are developed in childhood are very hard to change, you don't just outgrow them. You aren't thinking and acting this way because you are childish or immature. You developed self preservation/defence.mechanisms as a child that your brain has hard wired them in in order to protect you. You learnt there was a risk or harm and you learnt a way to avoid that. It's your very well developed evolutionary mechanism to keep you safe that's doing this, which is why it's so hard to change.

What happened to you isn't your fault and how you are reacting now isn't your fault either.. Be kind to yourself and seek some support so you can start working through everything that happened to you so you don't have to constantly feel like you are under threat and have to defend yourself.

💐💐💐

Well done for recognising this behaviour and wanting to change. I think that's probably the first and most important step

When you are in work today or the next day, just do as I do, and say sorry I was such a moan earlier this week, a few things had gotten on top of me and I was just having a whinge. And do as the other people have suggested and try counselling and maybe put an elastic band around your wrist. Next time you feel like a moan, ping it off your wrist first a few times. We all moan, we can all be negative, the trick is a to recognise we are doing it and to try not let it turn into such a pattern that it is all we do every day.

It can help to take a couple of minutes just to think of, or write down, two or three positive things that have happened to you or that you have in your life. Maybe make it a daily ritual with a nice notebook and a cup of tea. The things could be big (“I have a secure home” “I have a partner who loves me”) or small (“Mary made me a fantastic cup of tea this morning” “I saw a rainbow at lunchtime”). Then maybe tell someone else at work something good- about them or about someone else. As long as it’s not confidential! Gradually you will change the pathways of negative thinking, or at least allow some brambles to grow up across them so they’re not quite so well trodden.

i completely agree with pp who have pointed out that core beliefs formed in childhood are pervasive and strong. Don’t blame yourself for yours- congratulate yourself for noticing them and for wanting to change them. The noticing is the hardest and most important part.

Yes, helpful suggestions here.

I think you should also consider that it’s perfectly possible, and indeed advisable, not to tell anyone who says ‘How are things?’ every detail of exactly what’s on your mind, no matter how much you like them. You can also say ‘Fine, thanks. And you?’ It’s not a choice between complaining about how awful everything is (especially when it isn’t, you’re just self-protecting) and silence.

It really sounds as if therapy would benefit you.

You can take it in small steps when leaping into full blown positivity feels like too much.
"I freaked out a bit last week but I think I'm getting there"
When people ask how you're getting on... "getting there" and a smile if you can muster it genuinely.
Good luck 👍

You aren't user to saying things are going well so it seems strange and abnormal for you to do so.

Get a piece of paper and write down some positive replies for when people speak to you. Read it over and over and then start practising them in real life. You've got this!