I think I might be a nasty gossip

[Trying2changee1]

Please be kind, I’m not a troll incase anyone begins with “well if this is true” type posts. I realised today I might be coming across as a nasty gossip but I really don’t mean to. Just for background context - I had an awful childhood with lots of abuse and no good memories at all that I can look back on. I was severely bullied by much older siblings so I grew up thinking life was cruel and a fight. I’ve been in awful jobs and very toxic environments which I didn’t realise at the time as I just thought it was normal.

About a year ago I joined a new workplace and I have never known this level of kindness that everyone shows me. I’ve never had it! It sounds lovely but I’ve been waiting for things to become “real” in other words my normal of people being nasty and just general horrible-ness.

this week in particular I’ve been complaining a lot as I’ve been given new responsibility and when anyone asks me how I’m getting along I keep telling them all the bad things. Truth is that it’s not in the slightest negative but I keep downplaying things and just focusing on the worst things and making them bigger. I’m worried this will get back to my new manager who is so lovely btw. But I’ve made it sound like they are wrong in some ways. I really can’t help it but I feel fear telling people things are good - I know this sounds strange but I’m sure it’s from my childhood as my older siblings would damage anything I loved or showed interest in e.g. aged 7 my doll was cut up by my sister (19 years old at the time) and I feel anytime I had anything nice they would ruin it. I think I’m making it sound like things are bad do people won’t ruin my happiness but I’m worried incase any of this goes back to my manager.

truthfully I love my job and I really care and respect my colleagues. What should I do?

OP, you don't just grow out of this behaviour, that's not how it works. The more positive experiences you have, the safer you will feel. People are being kind to you, sit with that for a moment without thinking you have to react to it/bat it off. You are obviously doing a great job. Accepting and thanking people for their kindness might be something that you're really uncomfortable with but it really is a game changer if you can learn to do it.

You've had some good advice on this thread, OP. I'd just say that there's no harm done here as yet. You can say, "gosh I've been freaking out/really anxious about how I'm getting on - starting to calm down now, sorry if I've been a bit negative, it was just anxiety really. I'm loving working here." Then make an effort to be positive or at least neutral in your work conversations in future. You can also turn the conversation focus away from you. E.g. "thanks for asking, I really appreciate your support. You always look so busy - how are you getting on?" Ask questions of others rather than allowing yourself to be the focus.

Good luck with it. You deserve to be happy.

Same as me op, I’ve just sabotaged a dream job. Violent upbringing and similar story about anything you held dear being destroyed. Don’t be like me, get therapy op, you sound very self aware. All the best.

do you have children op?

Sounds like imposter syndrome and the fact that you are so used to negativity that you now automatically press the self destruct button before someone else does so that you can control the narrative and feel like you've got control over the situation.

Words and actions during the early years into teens really do matter and really do have an impact. I have older siblings and one used to constantly refer to my weight and legs. They would call me things like fairy elephant when I was in a swimsuit or chunky monkey when I was eating and in my teens, I put on a pair of shorts and they absolutely laughed and joked about how white and fat my legs were. From the age of 15 to now (43) I've never worn shorts or a skirt because I'm so self conscious about my legs. I wear maxi skirts and dresses and that's about it. I've also now been diagnosed with stage 1 lipodema and told my stepmum as I was upset, this has got round to that sibling who started sending me pictures of elephants legs and people with stage 4 lipodema etc so I've blocked them and gone non contact.

I find myself saying ignore my fat legs flr any reason, e.g. even if I've got jeans on or jogging bottoms etc and feel I need to control the narrative before anyone else makes the comment

What I've started doing is trying to say the negative in my head rather than vocalising it which helps and speaking positively about things because actually my cruel sibling isn't reflective of everyone

This year is the first time I've got my legs out on holiday, normally I wear really light trousers or cover them with a towel and nobody said anything! Even at home my legs are always covered

Make a list of all the positive things about your role and project and start using these. It's hard to change your mindset but it can be done. You deserve to be where you are and to be treated with respect and kindness

Thing is op, it’s not just it will get back to your manager, it will. But if it is a lovely workplace your negativity and complaining will habe a negative impact on your colleagues. So yes you need to stop yourself making negative stuff up and saying it.

if you really can’t control yourself then seek counselling.

im not going to heap praise on you like others, as it reads to me the only reason you want to stop and are worried is you’re scared your manager will find out.

You’re just sort of kicking the boot as op acknowledged this already, that’s why people are trying to be positive.

@Trying2changee1 When you come back, remember that people project and scratch their talons a lot on these threads without actually thoroughly reading.

Pp have given great advice. To throw mine in, tell people you have been whinging a lot recently, and apologise. Say you really appreciate the support and being with such a great team or company.

That's it. Then change the subject.

Next time, practise in your head how to respond, practice in the car, and smile at yourself in the mirror more.

I would find someone you admire in the workplace and model your behaviour on that person for now to sort of fake it til you make it, damage limitation and then seek some counselling as others have said.

I absolutely get what you are saying. You are a product of your past. It sounds like you have a chance of a new beginning and well done for being so self insightful.

My mother had a very cruel childhood and she never really recovered so you are doing well.

Indeed. There are some horrible people on MN who just want to kick someone when they're down.

OP, I think possibly it might help to create some kind of ritual around putting on a work persona. Decide what kind of person you want to be at work - cheerful, cooperative, appreciative - and even if it feels inauthentic (as it will, at first) act as if you are that person during your working hours. When you leave for work in the morning, maybe put on a piece of jewellery or a perfume that signals to you that you're putting on your work self. Then when you get home, if you need to, you can work out your negativity and anxiety through writing or in counselling sessions. It might help to say to yourself, for now, 'okay this doesn't feel like me and doesn't come naturally, but this is how I have to be at work, so I'll fake it and put on this other persona. I don't have to say this is really me, or that I've changed, I just have to put on this mask for work because to do otherwise will make my life so much harder.'

Of course, in time, you will find it coming much more naturally to you and you'll become more light hearted. But for now, it's okay to just fake it.

I don’t think it’s talon-scratching to point out to the OP that incessant vocal negativity is generally likely to create a problem in a workplace she clearly adores, and that she’s misguided to think it’s only an issue if it gets back to her line manager. I absolutely get the self-protective aspect of why she complains, as it’s a pattern she’s learned from childhood (the way that in some cultures, mothers fend off the evil eye by saying to one another ‘Your baby is ugly!’ ‘Yours too!’), but it’s important that she realises she’s actually risking self-sabotage here.

Her workmates are not her siblings, poised to grab away her job if she doesn’t continually point out how awful it is to make no one else want it. She needs to learn new ways of behaving which are not going to alienate her colleagues, of whom she is very fond. Someone who hits you with a stream of complaints every time you say ‘How’s it going?’ is eventually going to pall. It’s why I suggest the OP practices saying ‘Fine thanks, and you?’

Try 'not so bad' or 'can't complain' or 'it's going alright' which are not gushing statements of positivity but not negative either.

I think, if you feel you can and if the workplace is a supporting and inclusive one, you should tell your manager some of how you’re feeling. That you feel imposter syndrome, that you’re happy with your job but you’re coming to terms with some issues at the same time etc.

They can then be more accommodating if they notice some of these behaviours in you.

good post

Op, I can relate to everything you've described about your childhood and your behaviour as an adult.

Therapy has helped me immensely but it's not a quick fix - changing these patterns takes a lot of time and work but it is worth it.

i note that you say you fully relate to the OP and have just sabotaged a job because of it

does it occur to you that seeing posters who offer different perspective in an entirely unabusive manner as “projecting and scratching their talons” is exactly what we are talking about and would make colleagues lives unpleasant

I’ve recommended this to so many on here, and colleagues and signed up myself. It’s 9 months free and very high quality coaching around MH and work. Have a look.
https://able-futures.co.uk
💐

You've got self awareness, which is good. I would recommend therapy, it's important to try to overcome this. I work with someone like this and its soul destroying, the negativity brings everyone down and you just end up feeling flat listening to it.

The quick fix until you can properly work through this, is to change your behaviour in conversation. Instead of doing a lot of talking where you can accidentally fall into saying the things you don't want to, have a few brief prepared positive phrases if people ask you about the job or your colleagues. Say them, then move the focus straight to the other person with a question, so you become the listener rather than the talker. People will love you for this as everyone enjoys being listened to.

If your manager is really lovely and you get on, ask to speak to them and explain what you've said here - both about your personality traits and how much you love the job and people

I struggled similarly at work because of an emotionally abusive childhood. A lovely mentor of mine recommended a book called Assertiveness at Work. Developing my adult voice really helped me start healing from my childhood.

I agree with pp’s that mostly when people ask how you’re doing a generic I’m fine or All good and you? is all most people are looking for.

Thank you so much everyone. I’ve only just looked at my phone and I’ve had so many lovely messages. I haven’t read them
all yet.

I think a PP said it’s a defence mechanism which I think might be right. I grew up with 2 older sisters and both were as bad as each other. The middle one was the worst. I have so many memories of random people saying I was “such a pretty girl” etc. like people did in those days to little girls and I remember her scowling at me and she would hit me a lot when we would get home. My mum enabled their abuse of me.

I didn’t want to write this before as I don’t want to dismiss therapy but I’ve had lots of therapy where I talked about these incidents plus when I was SA by a male relative when I was around 9 years old. I don’t think therapy works for everyone.

I've had therapy over years. Had a very poor role model and I actually mimicked elements of that.
I've completely tapped into my empathy and understanding and much greater awareness now after this. Plus life experience.

It can be worked on. Podcasts are great on these things. Even psychology today articles.

You can relearn and tap into the person you were before your environment shaped parts of it.

Oh a diary is also fantastic for saying what you really feel - the childish part of your mind. Mine has been so full of every swear word imaginable. It really can help. Just make sure it's never found.

what you need is faith