I think I might be a nasty gossip

[Trying2changee1]

Please be kind, I’m not a troll incase anyone begins with “well if this is true” type posts. I realised today I might be coming across as a nasty gossip but I really don’t mean to. Just for background context - I had an awful childhood with lots of abuse and no good memories at all that I can look back on. I was severely bullied by much older siblings so I grew up thinking life was cruel and a fight. I’ve been in awful jobs and very toxic environments which I didn’t realise at the time as I just thought it was normal.

About a year ago I joined a new workplace and I have never known this level of kindness that everyone shows me. I’ve never had it! It sounds lovely but I’ve been waiting for things to become “real” in other words my normal of people being nasty and just general horrible-ness.

this week in particular I’ve been complaining a lot as I’ve been given new responsibility and when anyone asks me how I’m getting along I keep telling them all the bad things. Truth is that it’s not in the slightest negative but I keep downplaying things and just focusing on the worst things and making them bigger. I’m worried this will get back to my new manager who is so lovely btw. But I’ve made it sound like they are wrong in some ways. I really can’t help it but I feel fear telling people things are good - I know this sounds strange but I’m sure it’s from my childhood as my older siblings would damage anything I loved or showed interest in e.g. aged 7 my doll was cut up by my sister (19 years old at the time) and I feel anytime I had anything nice they would ruin it. I think I’m making it sound like things are bad do people won’t ruin my happiness but I’m worried incase any of this goes back to my manager.

truthfully I love my job and I really care and respect my colleagues. What should I do?

Just ‘talking’ isn’t going to work, though. Therapy involves ferocious hard work. I am always exhausted for the rest of the day afterwards.

I've never found therapy helpful either. It keeps it all present in your mind and stops me moving on. Was my experience. I hate my history is in my records. I recently was upset about needing to learn to self catheterise because I'm embarrassed and upset it's got to this with my health. And the nurse teaching me in response to my upset was to ask if I have a history of sexual abuse. I fully get how some people would find it triggering with a history like mine but I wasn't even thinking about it but her question brought it to the front of my mind and I then had to have her help me root around down there with those memories going round and round. I've felt like therapists like to dredge up all the details and make me relive it over and over and that causes more harm for me than helps. What I needed was what you are doing. I logically thought it through. Not everyone is like people from our pasts and when we employ harmful defence mechanisms like you describe we ensure we do not connect with the good people. It is important to understand what it is in is that led us into further damaging situations and relationships once we left our childhood behind. So we can break that cycle. Maybeyou do not need therapy to do that, but you do need to work it out for yourself if not in therapy.

It's REALLY hard to be vulnerable and let people close. Maybe don't strive for that straight away for now just work on not being so negative with your coworkers.

Something that has stuck with me is I was once told by letting my history haunt me I'm ruining my own life. Those who fucked me up to start with don't care they have moved on, they are not suffering. If they knew how I was and they may even get a kick out of that. Do I not deserve to be happy? Would I say someone else who has lived the life I have deserves to be haunted by it for the rest of their life while the perpetrators live their merry life? I'm asking you OP what would you say to someone who has a similar history to you? Do I deserve freedom from that fear? Because I think you deserve the freedom!! I don't know but for me logicing it through like that really shifted my thinking and was instrumental in moving on. Also becoming a mother was both a huge trigger and a massive part in finally getting through weeks at a time without fear of bad things happening and good things being taken away. I can look at my ds at the ages I had shit happening and think fucking hell children are so innocent so under serving of trauma even when they are being cheeky boundary pushers like a normal child does. I could see it was my parents who failed me and set a pattern of behaviour in me that had history repeating itself until I finally understood and broke the cycle.

It sounds like you are breaking your cycle. You can see what you are doing and want to change it. You want to keep the good amd you believe good things actually can last. This is pivotal be proud of yourself it's fucking hard what you are doing.

You did your manager is great. Could you ask to speak with her or send her an email and simply say you've had a bit of a crap past and find it hard to accept good things in your life as there hasn't been much of them. Say you love the job the people and all that and that you worry you've been a bit negative to your coworkers and just wanted to say if she hears you've been negative that it's just you working through some stuff in your head. Going forward you will be working on that and appreciate her understanding? Maybe that's not good advice I'm not really sure. In romantic relationships I'd never say sorry ive been negative it's just my past haunting me as I'd worry they would then blame all problems on my past and would treat me bad with that gaslighting ammo (I'm much healed but not fully obviously) But work is different. No harm will come to you for saying you live the job and realise you e been a bit negative out of habit when it's not how you feel?

If you don't get on with therapy, would you give CBT a try? It doesn't dwell on the past. CBT says 'you are here, where do you want to be?' then gives you instructions on how to get there.

I'll second cbt. I've had both that and lots of counselling and they've both helped in different ways. But for what it sounds like you're experiencing, cbt might really help as it helps train you to park or let troubling thoughts flow over you, without taking the full impact or dredging everything up. Great for anxiety and overthinking.