Have I been too hard on DD?

[Unconvinced8768]

DD15 is a good kid. Lately has been a bit rude/sullen/not nice to be around, just teen stuff really.
But tonight we had friends over and every time I laughed, she mimicked me to her friend, or repeated what I said in a mocking way.
it made me feel really shitty. Reminded me of being back at school and being bullied, actually.
When our friends left, I told her that she was out of order and how much it upset me. She didn’t seem overly remorseful so I took her phone away, in a ‘why should you have this if you can’t even be respectful of your own mum’ sort of way.
Now I feel like that was a bit of a harsh punishment…Aibu?

I would never have done that to my mum.

She needs to learn some respect.

She shouldn't have taken her phone away. That's just adding fuel to the fire and being disrespectful to her belongings.

It would be better to just air her feelings strongly and let her daughter reflect.

I feel the mother has just escalated and daughter of course will undoubtedly feel this. Mother has created a cycle of drama.

Reflect 🤣🤣 can you remember being 15

I think the poster might actually be 15. Or currently has small children.

Stuck to your guns and don't give the phone back tonight.

Her behaviour towards you was not good. I would be having a conversation about this and making it clear that if SHE wants to be treated nicely and with respect then she has to do the same to you in return and that there will be consequences if this happens again.

I am sure there are plenty of nice small things you do on a regular basis which she would miss if you decided to withdraw the favours.

My DS had moments of being shitty and this is exactly what I said - and did - when it arose.

You did the right thing. How dare she treat you that way. And the apology was only because she wanted the phone back.

I also wouldn't engage over the phone. You were a twat; to me, in my own home. The home that houses you. You had a chance, you fucked it. I have your phone. Which I probably pay the bill for anyway. There is no discussion. Next time you feel like being a twat, you will remember the consequence and you might decide against being a twat. If you don't, I will keep your phone longer and I will not give a shiny shite about your tantrum.

Doesn't sound that sorry then clearly!

What a nasty little madam.
She wouldn't be seeing her phone and to say I would be doing nothing for her is putting it mildly.
Do not doubt yourself OP, her behaviour is appalling and completely unacceptable.
Not normal behaviour and I have a 17 year old, as do a bunch of my friends.
Her arse would be handed to her or her friends.
No way would me or my friends tolerate such disrespect.

@Unconvinced8768

Removing her phone is fine. Screaming at DH about it would have seen it lost for longer 🤷🏻‍♀️

However, the first mimic would have got her 'the look' (it puts grown men under the table)

should she have been stupid enough to do it again she'd have been sent to her room. After removing her phone (getting her to bring any tablets/laptops down from her bedroom)

Teens need boundaries. If you don’t stand firm on it, her behaviour will simply escalate. I don’t think you’ve done wrong here.

Absolutely right what you have done, OP. I would confiscate it for a week. If it happens a second time I would take it for longer. You totally need to clamp down on this as it is extremely nasty behaviour from her.

I can be laid back about mess but rudeness needs a zero tolerance.

There is no way she would have mimicked me twice.
Her friend would be banned.
OP, she is 15, not 5.
We teach people how to treat us.
You are her mother and she is a nasty brat.
Teens can be tetchy at times, but such rudeness would be ruthlessly dealt with here.
I am too old and have far too much self respect to tolerate that.
That bloody phone would really be the least of her concerns.

@Terrribletwos you’ve never met a teenager have you?? 😂😂

Gosh you've done well to get 15 years of pleasantness out of her. Mine started their grumpy nonsense around 13yo. It will pass, so I'm told.

Our punishment for rudeness is taking phone/tablet away so if you’re harsh, then so am I! I paid for the phone and pay for the contract after all…
I would have said the exact same thing you said first then taken the phone. She can have some
phone free time to reflect on behaviour instead of getting the dopamine hit of scrolling on a phone.

Me too

What were the consequences of her screaming at her dad?

She must know that's unacceptable behaviour, right?

I truly feel your pain. My daughter is nearly 15 and it feels like I have lost her right now. She's not a naughty teenager but towards me she can be rude, dismissive and make me feel like I'm a teenager again desperate for friends to like me.

I don't have anything in the way of advice as tbh I always feel like the consequences I give her are wrong too and feel like absolute rubbish each time. I just wanted to say you're not alone, as just reading your post made me feel a little better, like I wasn't going crazy.

I live in hope that this phase is short lived for both of us!

Thank you for sharing this. That’s exactly how I feel. Sometimes lonely in my own home, sometimes like a bank.

I hope you didn't give in because of the shouting @ DH. If you allow her to win the phone back like that you are reinforcing that bad behaviour gets results. You need to be firm as her behaviour towards you needs addressing. I would have asked her what's making her feel so small that she was nasty to you to make herself feel more powerful?

I'd probably have smashed it with a hammer so you did a better job than I would have done.

You took it because she didn't care when you spoke to her and you wanted her to care so you took something she cared about.

You stick to your guns OP.
Ideally... calling her out on it at the time would have been good, but I can understand why you didn't.
But... you do not and should not put up with that level of disrespect from your teen. (@terribletwos doesn't have a clue...or is a teen themselves) It's horrible when they are like that and they are children.. large, toddler brained children. and it's hurtful.
I had four teens all at once, the girls were moderately tetchy and unpleasant at times, I confiscated Dd2's phone for a half school term after endless rudeness, lying, that sort of behaviour. I didn't like the person she was turning into and wasn't sure her friends were a good influence.
Dear Lord she hated me for a while.
BUT... her attitude changed completely and believe it or not when she finally got her phone back (6 weeks) she actually said thanks... she knew she was getting more out of line and the break from the social stuff, (and the Mean Girl friends who dropped her) put her back to herself. She's lovely now :)
I'm sure people thought I was being too harsh but tough. My kids were grounded when needed, had tech removed when needed and as they are all now lovely kind, respectful adults... no regrets here!
You don't have to be their friends when they are being horrible..it's ok to BE the parent and say no this stops.