Have I been too hard on DD?

[Unconvinced8768]

DD15 is a good kid. Lately has been a bit rude/sullen/not nice to be around, just teen stuff really.
But tonight we had friends over and every time I laughed, she mimicked me to her friend, or repeated what I said in a mocking way.
it made me feel really shitty. Reminded me of being back at school and being bullied, actually.
When our friends left, I told her that she was out of order and how much it upset me. She didn’t seem overly remorseful so I took her phone away, in a ‘why should you have this if you can’t even be respectful of your own mum’ sort of way.
Now I feel like that was a bit of a harsh punishment…Aibu?

I hope he’s backing you up. She’s screaming?! She wasn’t the one being picked on and now she’s acting like a toddler because there were consequences.

Enjoy your soak and I hope you feel better soon, I get why you’re so hurt.

What is your dh’s reaction to her screaming?

I would of told her not to be so rude at the time of the incident
Sent her friend home and sent her to her bedroom

That’s really awful behaviour from a 15 year old, sounds like she needs firmer boundaries.

Can't help but agree with this.

Hope your DH is backing you up and clearly explaining exactly why her phone was removed and that screaming to him about it will only be making things worse.

Personally, I'd have launched myself out the bath the minute I heard her screaming and making her very aware that by continuing this kind of behaviour means more time without the phone. Its up to her now isn't it.

Is she screaming cos you took her phone away? If so, I think that's an extreme reaction from you and you shouldn't be doing that

But what would a strong conversation have actually done? At 15 I'd have said all the right things, but not actually given a fuck or changed my behaviour. I'd have thought I'd got away with it and just been waiting for the lecture to be over because i still would have thought i was in the right. Grounding worked well though.

OP’s daughter will have her phone back tonight, and nothing will change.

Yanbu and everytime she screams or has an attitude about it I'd add a day on to how long I'm keeping it for

You under-reacted if anything OP. You should also have publicly pulled her up on it at the time as well as the phone punishment had she continued to mimic you.
As for screaming at DH, that would be buying her additional days without her phone.

Do you often find yourself excusing her behaviour? It sounds like she's used to calling the shots in your house or that if she makes enough of a fuss, you'll cave.

She would have been even more anxious if you'd mimicked her in front of her friend. I wouldn't let her have the phone for a week.

At 15 dd had her tech including phone removed for a month. A new dd emerged. It's her phone making her an anxious teen. And no more mates round until her attitude is better. And dh better have your back.

Really!!? The child has acted out, she hasn't done anything terrible. She made some sneering comments to her.

I know it's hurtful and I would definitely be telling her this absolutely and I would not be holding back. But, as for keeping her phone,etc and other measures ..these are too extreme and likely to create unnecessary division when really you can deal with this in a totally normal way. It doesn't need to escalate into something else.

Stop with the stupid games and both of you sit her down and talk to her. Tell her how awful it made you feel, and how would she feel if a friend did it to her. She probably won’t listen or care.Tell her that this was the first and the last time she disrespected you or anyone else like this, and mean it.

Your daughter was nasty and needs to learn a lesson . Keep the phone off her .

I agree. It’s the wrong punishment when they should have showed a united front and called her out when it happened. Too late now.

So what's your suggestion do nothing

Exactly.

No. Not do nothing. I would be talking to her at the time and if not later about why she spoke to me like that. I would want to know why.

You've definitely not over reacted, your dd was being a brat and you've set a boundary 🤷‍♀️

Why because she's a teenager who hasn't learnt respect. Talking to her then what because if someone had sat me down at 15 to talk about my actions one of 2 things would of happened I would of either laughed in their face and told them they where overreacting and it was just a joke or I would of gone along with it fake apologised and then slagged them of behind their back. So after this talk then what ?

OP said she did that at the time with little joy:

When our friends left, I told her that she was out of order and how much it upset me. She didn’t seem overly remorseful so I took her phone away, in a ‘why should you have this if you can’t even be respectful of your own mum’ sort of way.

OP doesn’t have a boundary, or she would have showed it when her dd first started mimicking her.

@Unconvinced8768 I think taking her phone was a good idea. You need to check that she's not being mean about you, or others, on her phone too.

When the friends were here I did give her a look and say stop. She chose not to listen. DH told her that my decision stood and best thing she could do would be to go to bed. Which she has done.
I’m undecided about giving it back to her for school tomorrow. If I do let her take it, I’ll have it when she comes home.