Have I been too hard on DD?

[Unconvinced8768]

DD15 is a good kid. Lately has been a bit rude/sullen/not nice to be around, just teen stuff really.
But tonight we had friends over and every time I laughed, she mimicked me to her friend, or repeated what I said in a mocking way.
it made me feel really shitty. Reminded me of being back at school and being bullied, actually.
When our friends left, I told her that she was out of order and how much it upset me. She didn’t seem overly remorseful so I took her phone away, in a ‘why should you have this if you can’t even be respectful of your own mum’ sort of way.
Now I feel like that was a bit of a harsh punishment…Aibu?

In front of her pal I would have said, sorry sweetheart you need to leave. My daughter has lost the run of herself and her manners, so she cant be around nice people. You pop off home and when my DD finds her manners and apologises she can have company again. But until then I am sorry she is not fit for company

If she feels comfortable enough to be a nasty wee witch to you in front of people she is definitely a nasty wee witch at school.

Well done. Stick to your guns.

I don't think you were too harsh but the punishment is not really anything to do with the behaviour.

Sorry pressed send too quickly.

I prefer relevant consequences so in that situation she'd be asked to apologise for her behaviour and reflect on why she felt it was ok to behave like that.

No you didn’t, in my view. I use the phone removal as a general one - it’s what hits them hard so it tends to be effective. I agree with the point mentioned above that they’re not toddlers so it doesn’t need to be related to the wrongdoing as it does with young children.

I’d keep it at least for tonight and it wouldn’t be too harsh for her to lose it for tomorrow as well.

And I’d make it clear that if happens again you will cancel her contract. She needs to understand how nasty her behaviour was. Better that she understands now than is caught doing it to a teacher or a line manager and is in worse trouble.

It doesn’t need to be at that age. It needs to be what has the biggest impact and that is nearly always the loss of the phone.

In my experience, 14-15 year olds are perfectly capable of making an apology and then laughing to themselves all the way back upstairs knowing they’ve got away with it.

If she was genuinely contrite she would not have asked for her phone back straightaway. She was taking the proverbial.

OP says that she didn’t seem bothered that her mum was upset - then came downstairs, apologised and asked for her phone back. Not much serious self reflection going on there then.

YABU for not sharply telling her off at the time tbh.

I'm surprised so many people are agreeing with that because on similar threads it's been seen as making the kid feel shame for their behaviour which apparently isn't helpful.

She's not a toddler, it doesn't have to be linked for her to understand what it relates to.

Not remotely harsh. Take the phone for a fortnight and tell her if she can’t speak to you with respect then not to speak to you at all. Don’t cook or do anything for her until she apologises.

She’s downstairs screaming at DH about it. I’m hiding in the bath. Well, having a bath, I’m not just hiding in the tub.
She’s very highly anxious and I feel bad that I’m making her feel worse. But she’s been just horrible lately.

Where did my gorgeous girl go. 15 year olds are not nice.

Not remotely harsh OP. Sorry it made you feel that way.

Manners and respect are the absolute bare minimum of decent human beings. Stick to your guns.

With respect OP, her anxiety didn’t make her behave in a rude and unkind way did it?

You need to disassociate a few things here.

If she’s screaming I certainly wouldn’t give it back. I wouldn’t anyway now you’ve taken it. Keep it to tomorrow minimal. Taking phones is a punishment that hits them hard, so might make her think twice next time. That’s really shitty nasty behaviour that needs consequences

What a fab rule!

Ours is 'treat people with kindness and respect (including yourself)' as my children are 5&3... definitely updating it to this when they're old enough for the swears 😂

It's a tricky situation but there's no need for you to feel small and embarrassed, OP. DD showed herself up by being childishly rude; you were joining in with conversation and laughter and there's no shame in that. I agree that you need to call her out on it in front of her friends next time, which she almost certainly would not enjoy. Hopefully she'll grow out of this soon.

You DID NOT get the punishment wrong. Stick to your guns!

Good on you. She should be respectful to her mum. She doesn’t deserve a phone (almost certainly paid for by you) if she can’t manage that.

No, sorry I wouldn't have taken her phone away, I feel that's extreme and acting out of order.

I would have had had a very strong conversation with her though either there and then or next day depending on the situation. No way would I let her get away with that behaviour.

Also if she’s that bloody anxious she should have enough self awareness and empathy to realise what she did made you feel bad snout yourself unnecessarily.

Please stop worrying. You did the right thing. She needs to learn to be kind and respectful to you.

This OP.
She's possibly doing this to other people.

She's highly anxious? Well, not anxious enough not to be bullying her own mother. All teens are anxious. Right now she's just frustrated not getting what she wants. Stick to your guns or she will not respect you. Before you hand it back (not tonight !!) ask her if she has understood why you took it away. If she did this to you she might be bullying other kids at school as well. Not too late to help her become a better person but you need to be firm OP. For her sake as well as your's.