To ask why birthday parties are so rigid?

[Blablabla1984]

I'm from Mediterranean culture but have lived in the UK for over 15 years and have two DC.
We've been going to birthday parties for years now and they used to be very relaxed, fun and a nice way to celebrate the birthday child

In recent years everything has become so rigid and I'm wondering why... Sorting food is the most stressful thing ever, party decorations take ages to do (I blame social media expectations for this) and bringing a sibling seems to be SO frowned upon. Many parents don't have another mean of child care so leaving one child at home isn't an option for them. Most of them are also happy to pay for the additional child's soft play or venue ticket.
But why the nastiness and talking behind people's back (I can't believe she brought her other child.....)?
I'm very much it's a kid's party, come have some food/coffee and let's chat while the kids play.... But it's obviously cultural difference.

I wish we weren't so rigid here, we pass that behaviour onto our children and a mark on the community that people aren't as welcome as we want it to look like.

I've got 4 DC ranging from 11 to 30 (!) and i must say that in my experience parties haven't changed much.

From year 1 to yr 6 it's mostly soft play parties with a table of snacks, or in the village football club room or at the church hall. Some with decs some without. Usually with (the same) DJ who shouts out the rules for games and whips the kids into a sweaty frenzy 😂 Rarely at people's houses.

I've never tried to take an extra kid to a party (which is what bringing siblings is), and wouldn't do so unless i asked first and they said yes. I imagine most hosts would be fine with it if asked as there's usually plenty of sandwiches and crisps to go around.

Do you ask first?

We have had a wide variety of parties over the years (DS only 7 but a lot of parties since lockdown lol) from parties at people's houses to bowling /soft play/trampolining/karting and all are fairly relaxed to be honest.

I haven't experienced the 'frowned upon' aspect of bringing siblings. I'd say 50% of DS parties we have needed to take DD (4 years younger) due to childcare issues. Noone ever has a problem with it. I've always asked beforehand, pay separate entry for her to places and buy/bring her own food. Most people let her take up a spare space if there is one and give her food and a small party bag. I don't know if I have got lucky or just because we get on well with the parents of those parties we need to take DD too as well. I usually do parties at our house so always say yes if people need to bring extra siblings etc.

In regards to the bringing a sibling debate.

If you ask a parent in advance if sibling can come along and they say no then it’s perfectly fine to say ok sorry won’t have childcare so can’t attend. If they say yes then go for it!

But to just turn up with extra DC is unfair imo.

I went to a friends DC’s party before and a few parents brought extra DC unannounced, not only was there tantrums over not having party bags but one had a severe allergy so mum was really funny about the food options - for the kid that wasn’t even invited. Even the invite say allergies and she ticked no, then brought extra dc along who did happen to have an allergy.

I've never brought an extra child but I've seen people who have and some hosts (not all) get very huffy. That then changes the party mood (as the host/hostess are in a bad mood) and it seems so trivial and missing the point of the day i.e. to have fun, it's a kids party after all, not a serious function

A host will have enough food, activities and party bags for the kids they have invited - can you really not understand why bringing an extra child uninvited is hugely rude?

It’s like tagging along as a plus one to a wedding ceremony unannounced then complaining you don’t have a seat or meal 🤣

Err this! Catering for 10 and then 20 turn up is quite problematic. That’s before you even get to the rudeness part

But they haven't been catered for or paid for? Why should you get a free afternoon because you can't be bothered to make other arrangements?

If they ask first it's not an issue. Of course it's frowned upon to bring an extra participant to a paid for event

Would you show up to one of your own friend’s birthdays or dinner parties with your uninvited sibling or partner and expect the host to cater for them? I’m guessing not - so why would you think it okay for parents to bring extra children to a party and expect the host to entertain and feed more children than they’d planned for?

Not sure what “Mediterranean culture” has to do with it: I have plenty of friends from all over Europe and none of them would think it anything but rude to attend something they hadn’t been invited to without the host being asked first.

I went to a 5 year olds party recently and an older sibling was bought along, I think 8 or 9ish. They were young enough to want to take part but also old enough to win most of the party games fairly easily, which upset the younger kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work that well.

I suppose if you are hosting a big party with loads of food and space in your own home you can be fine with having extra kids turn up. The parents hanging around for coffee and everyone joining in - yes - all nice.

BUT - if you've booked a venue and had to state and pay for a specific number of kids for food ect, and then extra kids turn up and (worse case scenario) the parents haven't asked first and don't even stick around to parent the extra kid then you can see why that's a cause for concern.

Although a free for all is a nice idea, and fine if you've hired something like a village hall for example, but some party venues are very strict on numbers. Some parties I enquired about had number limits for staffing and safety issues. Then there's the issue of there being enough food.
I have had to take a sibling along to some parties, but I would always check with the host first and make it clear it was fine to say no, and that I was happy to pay any entrance fee for the sibling and for our own food.
There's no need for nastiness but I think just turning up with extra children expecting them to be catered for is rude.

I think because parties require money and time and effort to plan so when someone rocks up with the siblings etc it's emotionally draining. You should respect other people's boundaries and limitations whatever they may be.

I have dc ranging from young primary to secondary age, so have been to a lot of birthday parties. I honestly can’t say I’ve experienced the mood you’re describing. Yes, people ask to bring siblings. It’s no big deal if they are polite about it, pay their own way, buy their own food. It becomes more of an issue if there are strict limits on attendees from a health and safety perspective at soft play, etc.

I think the issue you may be experiencing might come in part from the fact that this isn’t a sunny, warm Mediterranean country, so we are often shoved down n cramped indoor spaces where a few extra people does make a difference.

Culturally, I think there is also a big thing about being a bad host. If you turn up uninvited, for example, and a host doesn’t feel they can properly cater for you, it reflects badly on them. I suspect this isn’t quite the same in Spain, Italy, Greece, etc where there is more openness to just making space and sharing around what everyone has, with no judgement of the host.

Actually, DH is also from a mediterannean background and actually, the casual attitude to this has been a source of frustration for us.

So yes, his family absolutely WOULD turn up with random additional people and/or expect to be able to bring additional people and be bemused when you ask for details. They'd also turn up ridiculously late or bring huge amounts of unnecessary food without discussing in advance. His aunt invited some random old friend to our wedding "as a surprise" for us (apparently it hadn't occurred ot her that if we'd wanted her to come, we could have sent the invite herself). I will never erase the image of her trotting across the venue carrying a chair she'd nabbed from somewhere then squeezing herself onto the table with his aunts and uncles! BIL's girlfriend's (relatively casual, new relationship) DD managed to get herself into an awful lot of our wedding pictures - none of us can even bloody remember her name now but her face is immortalised forever. BIL also let his girlfriend dress her in a dress that was very similar to BIL's dd's dresss - she was a flower girl!

I never found them relaxed and fun as a parent.

If you are doing it at home you have to make sure your house is reasonably presentable then there is a fuck load of cleaning again afterwards. There is a ton of preparation to do and even if it's only a small party, a significant cost. You hope the entertainer turns up and is not drunk or inappropriate. Then you have to deal with a number of excited, sugared up kids, and possibly some gossipy judgemental parents judging your soft furnishings. You may have to make small talk with some of these people while trying to shove a tray of sausage rolls in the oven and open a bottle of squash. You hope no-one is sick, wets themselves, dies or gets seriously injured while you are in loco parentis. You hope no-one brings unexpected siblings as frankly ten extra kids in the house is pushing it already. You hope there is enough food and drinks and enough party bags. Then hopefully everyone fucks off on time and you can have a big glass of wine.

All this after trying to hold down a stressful professional "part time" job and being completely exhausted.

Relaxed and fun. Are you on drugs?

If you genuinely don’t have any childcare e.g. single parent not just Dad won’t miss golf, and have asked nicely in advance and made it very clear that it’s ok for the host to say no then that’s absolutely fine! Most people would say yes or if it’s a no invite the child to be dropped off. If the host is getting huffy on the day it’s obviously because the extra kid has just turned up which is so incredibly rude. Also, then there isn’t food or party bag for them and you know they’re going to get upset. There can be problems from different ages. Younger ones can ruin party games, refusing to pass the pass the parcel for example or crying when they go out in musical statues. Older ones can be a risk to younger ones on a bouncy castle or winning every party game and not giving anyone else a look in. And if everyone did it you’d double the size of the party, and the birthday child wouldn’t know half the kids there! Someone did it to me once at a bowling party, as it happened one cancelled last minute so there was space for the girl but I was a bit at a 10YO celebrating their win over a bunch of 7YOs…

And what does Mediterranean culture have to do with it? I only know about France but it’s all drop off parties there from a young age so definitely not a more the merrier vibe…

Having uninvited siblings can also totally change the dynamic of the party and the behaviour. It's just as bad bringing a toddler along to an adults lunch meet up

I think it depends what type of party you go to. If you go to an informal party at someone's house, then decorations and food are only as stressful as you make them. After the first 5 year old's party, my group realised pretty quickly that young kids never eat the carefully prepared sandwiches and are reluctant to try any fruit that's not cut in exactly the same way it is at home, so you're better off just offering a packet of crisps, some cut up cucumber and the birthday cake.

Having said that, a lot of people live in flats too tiny to accommodate more than 1 or 2 kids at a time, which means paying to have the party at a venue. Venue costs have skyrocketed and they're strict on numbers. It's therefore problematic if people just show up with older/younger siblings and expect they'll be able to join in.

Bringing sibling is a bit annoying as it makes knowing how much food or party bags to do difficult. When my dd was young we did a few church hall type parties which I think were relaxed, I didn't care really if siblings stayed and did a few extra party bags just in case. Food was a buffet so once it went it went 🤷‍♀️

It's a bit different though if you've booked somewhere like soft play that does the food etc.

It’s almost like a load of additional guests you weren’t expecting so haven’t budgeted for would cause stress for the host!!

There's definitely a cultural aspect to this. Every person that I know that is either an immigrant or the child of an immigrant has absolutely no issue with uninvited siblings coming along to the party. I would always prepare extra party bags for my kids' parties, as I knew there would always be a few. We very much operate on a more the merrier basis. The only time it was ever an 'issue' was at a soft play because we'd ordered a set amount of meals - no biggie, the parents ordered food for their kids that weren't invited

@rainfallpurevividcat aaaaaand that's why i've never hosted a kids party at home 😅

Bad enough the hiring of a hall and praying any enough kids will actually turn up - but hosting in your house .... nopes 😊